Advice Please??

howcome

My boyfriend and I have recently started having sex. We had spoken about it alot before hand about what one another likes and previous experience etc and i gathered from these conversations that he is seriously lacking in confidence when it comes to having sex, he orgasms quite fast and is visibly upset afterwards it doesnt bother me how long he lasts during sex and I've made this very clear to him however the fact that it bothers him so much does get to me. The major issue as far as I can gather is his confidence and I'm running out of ideas of what to do to help..

If anyone has any ideas on what I/we can do then please share...

Marksie

You say you have talked about what each likes, but have you actually shown him and communicated what you want during sex?
Does he ask you if it feels good or what he can do?

are you also concetrating on the penetrative aspects?. From your post and the fact you say he comes quickly it would indicate you are talking about penetration.
It is common it seems that guys think that penetration is teh be all and end all and that its the way that women should come, it isnt.... by a long chalk

What about making foreplay the be all and end all for a long while. Touching and stroking can be exquiste and definitely more satisfying than penetrative sex. As can oral sex or mouth magic :-).

You could masturbate or self pleasure in front of him to enable him to see what turns you on.

If you want to try to make him "last longer" you could try to teach him how to squeeze his pc muscle, once conditioned it can be squeezed to prevent ejaculation.
an alternative technique is the stop start technique by taking him to the point and stopping he can incerase the length of time before he ejaculates. You can do this together or he can do it alone.
This tecynique will allow himto realsie wwhen he is appraching and either squeeze or pause and let it subside a little.
Going slowly is another option and not racing to the post, as is altering the depth and positions. Deep penetrative psoitions like the missionary will cause someone to ejaculate much more quickly.
Switching to a shallow position like crossing the T will allow him to reduce the sensation slightly and last longer. It will also allow your g-spot to be stimulated.
If he feels himself approaching he can deep breath and relax the body completely.

Dont make it too serious an issue, he is sensitive enough about it already, but its uup to him to start lerning about his responses and modifying them.

Incorporate such training techniques as part of your play as they are very enjoyable.

davyjose

What he said ^^^^ Also change positions regularly - that's what the pornstars do. Seriously, when he's about to come, if you guys change position, he'll continually keep losing momentum and be able to go for another few mins again.

Rattlehead_ie

Do you mean during actual intercourse he is orgasming quickly?
Do you guys use condoms?

Reason I ask is that the Durex Performax range of condoms are desgined with a kinda numbing gel to lessen the sensation slightly for a guy in an effort to make him last longer that is one possible solution.

An oldie but a goodie would be just as simple as changing positions, when he comes to a point before orgasm just get him to pull out and you slowly move into another position before you guys continue, purpose of this is he looses his concentration slightly and the orgasm will die down and let him last a few mins long, this can also build up later to be a much more powerful orgasm later on if you do it a couple of times.


Why is your bf embarrased about the situation is it due to
1) He believe lasting a short time means that he doesn't pleasure you.
2) He just wants to share and have the intimacy longer with you.
3) Something else.

in the case of one, I think alot of foreplay on his part with you, till your at a point of near orgasm before the 2 of you engage in intercourse would be one solution, hopefully timing it right to orgasm at the same time

in the case of 2. Performax condoms or lots of more sex (this might sound odd and I dont mean he gets bored of sex) but when a couple start having sex for the 1st time a guy can usually just have a lot of VA VA VOOM built up that might take a couple of session to pass before returning to a "normal" timetable so to speak.

in the case of 3, its over to you, do you think there could be any reason.
You said he was lacking I know you have verbally told him that it doesnt matter about his quick orgasm but maybe a physical showing (fake orgasm) if his confidence is low. I know most guys who would be in a realtionship are more embarrased about not pleasuring their other half rather than orgasming quickly.

Marksie

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

Reason I ask is that the Durex Performax range of condoms are desgined with a kinda numbing gel to lessen the sensation slightly for a guy in an effort to make him last longer that is one possible solution...

I have a problem about numbing gels as it is hiding the issue as well as cutting down on sensitivity for the guy. These quick fixes don't really lead to an overall improvement as he will beleive its them and not his own abilities.

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

An oldie but a goodie would be just as simple as changing positions, when he comes to a point before orgasm just get him to pull out and you slowly move into another position before you guys continue, purpose of this is he looses his concentration slightly and the orgasm will die down and let him last a few mins long, this can also build up later to be a much more powerful orgasm later on if you do it a couple of times..

It is but sometimes the position and speed is juts right and in changing position it can stop her orgasm for similar reasons.
Also, concentrating on the orgasm brings it on. Better if he focusses his awareness on his partner and moves with her rhythym. He can still be aware of the sensations but they dont dominate.
Dont forget that the male orgasm is followed by ejaculation, they can be separated. So its possible for a guy to be multiorgasmic.

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

in the case of one, I think alot of foreplay on his part with you, till your at a point of near orgasm before the 2 of you engage in intercourse would be one solution, hopefully timing it right to orgasm at the same time..

Why timing it to orgasm at teh same time and why only one for the woman?

He should be able to facilitate his partner in having more than one orgasm. Again its indicating that the only orgasm is a pentrative orgasm.
A fully aroused and orgasmic woman is capable of having many even before penetration occurs. Then when penetration does occur it is a continuation of that.

Rattlehead_ie

I have a problem about numbing gels as it is hiding the issue as well as cutting down on sensitivity for the guy. These quick fixes don't really lead to an overall improvement as he will beleive its them and not his own abilities.

I wouldn't consider this a quick fix. Yes there may be some emotional background and reasoning for the issue (which I touched on later in my post) BUT it could also just be his physical make up and that his penis \ genetils etc is overly sensitive (there is nothng wrong with it or its not considered abnormal), in that case the likes of numbing gels are great for the people who need them. Do you consider Viagra a quick fix for men who cant get physically errect or for men and their partners who want to go more times in the night than his little soilder can't? Yes its a fix and yes its quick but it doesnt mean that the guy is less attracted to his partner or that should be ashamed, its just the physical make up of the guys body.

It is but sometimes the position and speed is juts right and in changing position it can stop her orgasm for similar reasons.

That is 100% correct, but the OP has asked for her help in someway to give her man confidence or in helping in someway for her partner to last longer. So this will help him last longer. It may take away from the girls orgasm or it may even prolong it to multiple status.

Also, concentrating on the orgasm brings it on. Better if he focusses his awareness on his partner and moves with her rhythym. He can still be aware of the sensations but they dont dominate.

I agree.

Why timing it to orgasm at teh same time and why only one for the woman?

In the context that that is written was under the point of
1) He believe lasting a short time means that he doesn't pleasure you.

So my point was, get her partner to pleasure her till the point of where he believe he can time the orgasm together, therefore guy is having intercourse with his partner when they both orgasm. This would help eleviate any mental issue that the guy is having about

"Oh **** I have to last longer I have to last longer or my gf isnt enjoying it....oh ****, splat"
Sorry for the crudeness but I think you get my point.

ztoical

try and not make the focus of sex to be penetration - even thou your assuring him that your not worried about him climaxing quickly, its obviously on his mind.

Try having lots of foreplay to help him relax. take things very slowly, lots of kissing, thouching etc etc We're getting better in this country about sex and you can now finds lots of books on the subject with ideas for creative foreplay. Don't do anything your uncomfortable with but think about exploring each others bodies more, your genitals aren't the only sensitive parts on your body, or even adding a few toys [big thumbs up for chocolate sauce ]

Make sure everything is focused on enjoyment, relaxing, even laughing, remember sex should be fun and move slowly towards penetration to the point were it will just happen naturally and won't seem like such a big step.

If your using condoms and find that stopping to put the condom on is breaking the mood and causing his stress level to rise, try and incorporate the act of putting the condom on into foreplay ie make sure you put it on rather then him and be creative if you feel up to it using your mouth maybe to put it on.

Rattlehead_ie

+ what ztoical said.

Just to note and this is contradictory in some ways, but he is your partner and your the best one to guage this. Foreplay with him, ie playing with him actually may build his physical enjoyment up to a point that when it comes to penitrive sex he orgasms quickly as the foreplay was, for lack of better phrase "too good" this will take time and as ztoical said get to know your partner physically a bit more explore take a day off in bed together etc.

howcome

Foreplay does tend to play quite a big part between us and penetrative sex isn't necessarily what we're building up to. We both agreed to wait a while before having penetrative sex we have taken some time to explore and get to know what each other likes however I do think more time can be spent doing this (its not as though it would be a chore ).
Changing positions is something I hadn't thought about and will definitely be trying it out..

With previous partners my orgasm was never at the forefront of sex so its not something I expect expecially during penetrative sex but it would definitely be clear that I'm enjoying myself.

Faking orgasms and numing gels and lubricants are more cover ups rather than help and if he was to realise I was faking or anything like it I think it would be worse for his confisence but alot of what all of you have said has been seriously helpful, so thank you so much, any other pieces of advice are more than appreciated and as I said already thanks a million!

ztoical

howcome wrote: »

Foreplay does tend to play quite a big part between us and penetrative sex isn't necessarily what we're building up to. We both agreed to wait a while before having penetrative sex we have taken some time to explore and get to know what each other likes however I do think more time can be spent doing this (its not as though it would be a chore ).
Changing positions is something I hadn't thought about and will definitely be trying it out..

With previous partners my orgasm was never at the forefront of sex so its not something I expect expecially during penetrative sex but it would definitely be clear that I'm enjoying myself.

Faking orgasms and numing gels and lubricants are more cover ups rather than help and if he was to realise I was faking or anything like it I think it would be worse for his confisence but alot of what all of you have said has been seriously helpful, so thank you so much, any other pieces of advice are more than appreciated and as I said already thanks a million!

what happens exactly when he climaxes? does he tense up? do you both tense up? Don't give any details you don't want to but does he stop what he is doing and move away from you, does he start saying sorry etc etc

Do you talk about it then and there or do you wait till later?

howcome

He does tend to tense up and he'll stop kissing me or lose body contact.

We wouldnt talk about it straight away however he'll bring it up a little later, maybe apologise or comment that next time will be better but I think the fact that he's worrying himself about it means he cant relax.

ztoical

howcome wrote: »

He does tend to tense up and he'll stop kissing me or lose body contact.

We wouldnt talk about it straight away however he'll bring it up a little later, maybe apologise or comment that next time will be better but I think the fact that he's worrying himself about it means he cant relax.

Its good your not to talking about it when it happens, it tends to add more pressure and guilt as your both lying there naked and its all he can focus on. If he does make comments saying "next time will be better" make it clear to him that you enjoy sex with him ever time your together because your with him and thats all that matters. Some people buy into the myth of the perfect sexual relationship and are disappointed if the sex isn't "best ever" quality every time.

Has he had many sexual partners before you? I know its shameful but we girls can be bold and fake climaxes and if he was with someone who always climaxed quickly and on cue, it might be confusing for him that its not happening with you.

It can help alot if you've already climaxed during foreplay as there is less pressure on him to bring you to climax at the same time as him or for him to last a great length of time.

If he tenses and pulls away try and distract him. Pull him towards you and kiss him, thouch him, keep his focus on you. If he wants to withdraw or slips out of you thats fine, don't let him focus on that. Take his hand and bring it to your vagina and guide him into bringing you to climax with his fingers. You might have to be a little forceful the first time but hopfully the next time he shouldn't need to guided. Be vocal, avoid over the top porno sounds but make sure he knows you are enjoying it.

Another option is if he climaxes early and pulls away, reach for him and gently stimulate him orally or with your hand for a minute or two. After a climax, the penis becomes much more sensitive, so try giving it to him a little longer. Be careful though, some men find this afterplay too intense to handle. In both cases your trying to show him that even thou he has climaxed that doesn't mean everything is finished and he has somehow failed.

Marksie

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

I wouldn't consider this a quick fix. Yes there may be some emotional background and reasoning for the issue (which I touched on later in my post) BUT it could also just be his physical make up and that his penis \ genetils etc is overly sensitive (there is nothng wrong with it or its not considered abnormal), in that case the likes of numbing gels are great for the people who need them. Do you consider Viagra a quick fix for men who cant get physically errect or for men and their partners who want to go more times in the night than his little soilder can't? Yes its a fix and yes its quick but it doesnt mean that the guy is less attracted to his partner or that should be ashamed, its just the physical make up of the guys body.

and the point of using them would be to circumvent the users orgasmic and esctatic potential: THAT takes work so its a quick fix. My primary concern would be then that they become the psycholigical prop which is needed before users even think they can perform.
Delay sprays, ehnacers, herbal this and that, all line the pockets of companies who would haev peopel buy into the western myth of the penis. They can be fun to use but shuld not be a requisite.

Viagra was primarily marketed for erectile dysfunction, not the OP issue. Its also available under prescription and random recreational use is not recommended.
I dont beleive anywhere i said the guy was less attracted to his g/friend or should be ashamed. Unless i mistyped something. But you may have hit on something in the psyche of teh OP: I cant make her come therefore she will think less of me etc. etc.

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

So my point was, get her partner to pleasure her till the point of where he believe he can time the orgasm together, therefore guy is having intercourse with his partner when they both orgasm. This would help eleviate any mental issue that the guy is having about

and my point is that it shouldn't matter at all. It is the mind state that is needing to be changed.
Bottom line i have had partners where penetrative sex has not occurred and yet the energised, orgasmic and ecstatic state has been such that it simply wasn't an issue. It was a case of how long is a piece of string in that both could orgasm when we wanted, how we wanted and for as long as we wanted. It came down to the simple basics of communication, openness, exlporation and altering the mind set.

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

"Oh **** I have to last longer I have to last longer or my gf isnt enjoying it....oh ****, splat"
Sorry for the crudeness but I think you get my point.

Oh i do get the point indeed. Its very much a case of him falling into the trap we have all fallen into at some point or other, because that is what bombards us day in day out about how it should be.
In such an instance the guy is in his head convincing himself of what he should do and not being aware of actually what is going on and not living the experience.
Dont get me wrong, everyone has times where they get carried away with the moment, but rather than stop and then go quiet and upset if he laters his thinking he can then move on not to the post coital cigarette, but back to the "foreplay".

But OP: Its a challenge for you and as ma anand geho sayd. If you want your partner to be an ecstatic lover, become one yourself.
In other words... be proactive and take all the advice thats been given here and begin to incorporate it into your play.
Be open and direct and dont get upset or allow your partner to get upset. If he comes too quick then take his hand and guide him to what you want.
If you want him to expand his orgasm, then you take the lead and lie him back and masturbate him but ask him to tell you when he is close then use the stop start technique. UIn that way you are learning and playing together. under the guise of fun play he will then be learning..and having a good time doing it :-).
By all means if you believe desensitising agents are one way, try them, but watch out for them becoming the sole means he believes he can satisfy you.
But more importantly: work on the societal conditioning surrounding sex. Find and explore your own paths together and do so having first rexamined what you both belive sex to be in the first place.
Its a challenge alright, but oine worth making. Simply put: Think Different

Overheal

you could always spend time with him inside you without too much moving around - get him more comfortable with the penetrating sensation. Just get in a nice comfortable missionary position or something where you can both just be intimate for a bit instead of focussing on the motion and the orgasms.