Overbearing Parents

guy_awoke

Hi,

Basically I'm 37, single and living with my parents. It's not an ideal situation but for the moment makes more sense than other options. My background is in merchant shipping, something which both my parents were never quite comfortable with as they always placed a very high value on academic achievement. Of course there was a lot of college involved over the years in various nautical courses at home and abroad but I guess the image doesn't stick as well. Anyways, my father in particular has always had a very overbearing attitude to what I do with my life and likes to be involved in every aspect of what I do. This hurts to the bone and on the one occasion I dared challenge him about it he said that "he had bought the right to be an overbearing father and that was the end of it".
I guess what he meant by that was that he had worked hard all his life and as such had a given right to channel the direction of his offspring. To me this seems like very twisted thinking and points to a deep imbalance maybe fomed after some sort of traumatic event, who can say.

I've always thought both my parents were kind of eccentric people and have horrible memories of being terribly embarrassed by things they would do and say when I was a kid. They definitely liked to stand out in the crowd, whereas I was pretty shy and disliked the attention of being associated with that. I got used to that over the years and even though I still get embarrassed by things I don't let it get to me. My childhood was quite strictly controlled and I didn't rebel at all for fear of the embarrassment that would be caused by their rebuke. On the one occasion I did verbally stand up for myself they threatened to call the police. On most issues, they think the same way but my dad is the one with the hot temper and I never like to see it in action so I just accept things.

The fact that I've been around the world many times during my time at sea seems to mean very little to them and they constantly make me feel as if I'm sort of incapable and immature and have always had everything done for me. My main fear now is that I'm falling into a kind of acceptance of things and slowly letting life go by as I sit around feeling sorry for myself.

The way it is right now, I'm totally prepared to forgive them for everything in the past and move on but they will still be the same whenever I see them.

I would love to go on a holiday, maybe take a few months off and travel around again. The thing with this is that they would want to know exactly where I am all the time and how I can be contacted immediately, meaning exact addresses as well as telephone etc (mobile gsm not acceptable). So I'd have to have everything planned months in advance and give sitreps every day.
The bottom line is that I have zero personal life and have even avoided relationships because they would be even more involved than me lol.

The thing is that apart from the issues to do with me, they are lovely people and anyone who met them would take a liking to them, but that doesn't make it hurt any less for me and I am desperate to meet them on the same level, to have a rational discussion about it all.

Is there any way I can ever come to some sort of understanding with them on where the boundaries are with thier childrens lives?

As for my siblings, they have mixed feelings. In general they probably are more accepting of how things were than me, but weren't as easily embarrased so it probably didn't affect them as much anyway. I've tried talking to them about it but it's not something they are comfortable with.

Anyway, just posting this has made me feel good as someone is bound to read it.

Love to all.

dudara

It sounds as if you really need to reconsider the living at home option. At 37 years of age, you should be independent of your parents at this stage. By being in close proximity to them, you're allowing them the space to intrude.

In fairness, I've tutored young lads who were in training for the merchant navy, so I know that they do get a good education. You should be very proud of this.

Piste

It'd be a good diea to move out, you say that it "makes more sense than other options" but you might need to rethink that f living with your parents is as difficult as you say it is. Once you move out you'll be much more independent and as you begin to look after yourself more your parents will see how independent you are and might not be as overbearing.


How are they towards your siblings? Are they as oppressive towards them? If they're not, it could be because your siblings aren't living at home which is further reason to move out.


G'luck

How Strange

OP, you need to move out. How do you expect your parents to respect your privacy and see you as an adult if you are still living at home at 37?

That situation rarely works well.

However, if you feel you can't move out yet for practical reasons then you need to start acting like an adult. By that I mean don't pander to them. You say you would like to travel but your parents unreasonable demands are preventing that. You are a 37 adult. Why are you allowing them to treat you like a child? If you want to travel then book your flights, make a general plan and tell the parents that you will phone them as you go but leave it all very vague. Believe me they will get used to it very quickly.

It really seems to me like you are enabling their behaviour by a) living at home and b) pandering to their unreasonable demands.

davyjose

OP, could you explain how it makes more sense to stay with them? I can't imagine how anything could make less sense than the arrangement you currently have.
If it's for financial reasons then you need to deal with that and move one (but I presume not, if you can afford to travel). You can always house-share, with some like minded people who won't interfere with your life.

Esel

guy_awoke wrote: »

As for my siblings, they have mixed feelings. In general they probably are more accepting of how things were than me....

Could this be because they have their own lives now, while you still seem to be living through/for your parents?

MagicMarker

Move out, if you hadn't have mentioned your age then i would think you're a teenager. You're not. Be a man and move out.

WhiteWashMan

I understand that there are all sorts of reasons why people live with their parents. Hell, Im doing it at the moment! Although, to be fair, its only becuase I emigrated, and need somewhere to stay until I have built a house of my own, but still...

I think you need to look at moving out. Life is passing you by becuase youre not oit doing your own thing, leading your own life. it isnt healthy.

Oh, and get a girlfriend!

estar

they arent going to change, or meet you on the level you want.

accept your parents as they are, flawed human beings. if you want
tell them how they made you feel as a child, but don't expect
them to agree.

not everyone is meant to get along with their parents. you seem to
have survived well from their controlling nature, except emotionally.

again, you need to speak with someone regarding how you feel
about your parents. a counsellor will help you decide how to
handle the past.

move out. dont update them with every move. you dont have to.

as an adult - your parents are involved in your life according to
your boundaries. if that means just ringing once a month to see
if they are still alive, and thats all you want then thats fine.

parents dont own children, your father didnt buy control over you
by bringing you up. he was your legal guardian, and was obliged to.
it was his duty.

Beruthiel

guy_awoke wrote: »

Anyways, my father in particular has always had a very overbearing attitude to what I do with my life and likes to be involved in every aspect of what I do. This hurts to the bone and on the one occasion I dared challenge him about it he said that "he had bought the right to be an overbearing father and that was the end of it".

Bullsh!t and you know it.
Now you are 37 years of age, not 5. This is your one and only life, do what you want with it, when you want and how you want. Let your parents whinge whatever way they wish, ignore it and let them waffle on, then carry on as normal and above all, move out! While under your parents roof they will always have the habit of treating you like a child.

The fact that I've been around the world many times during my time at sea seems to mean very little to them and they constantly make me feel as if I'm sort of incapable and immature and have always had everything done for me.

Most people would be totally jealous of that! I envy the fact that you've seen so much of the world, the fact that you've done that and come back alive should tell your parents that you are well able to take care of yourself!

I would love to go on a holiday, maybe take a few months off and travel around again. The thing with this is that they would want to know exactly where I am all the time and how I can be contacted immediately, meaning exact addresses as well as telephone etc (mobile gsm not acceptable).

It's time you grow a pair. Book your holiday and when leaving tell them they can reach you on your mobile. End of.

So I'd have to have everything planned months in advance and give sitreps every day.

You allow them to bully, giving into such demands means that you have given them the right to act so unreasonably.

I am desperate to meet them on the same level, to have a rational discussion about it all.

That won't happen until they respect you. If they respected you as a grown adult they would not treat you like a five year old. Time to stand your corner.

Luckyduck

I know people always say they have to live at home for certain reasons. If you don't mind me asking I am curious to know what your reasons are for still living at home? Why I ask is that I am in my late 20's and lived at home for way to long as I too have a parent that is extremely overbearing and who dwells on the negative things so that I took on her worries...I always thought that whatever I did was not good enough as although she would often say things like that she was proud of me, she spent 90% of the time giving out about everything I did and interferring. I believed that no one would put up with me as she always told me I was moody etc.

Anyway things came to a head and I moved out. Now when she contacts me if she starts on at me I always politely tell her that she has her own opinion and I am mine and that I am happy in life so that if she continues the conversation like that I will hang up. I have a much better relationship with my mother now. However she is never going to change as she thinks she is always right but I can change who I am so I ignore her comments and carry on with my life.

I guess it is just a case of gaining control and realising that you are responsible for your own life as when they are dead and gone you will wonder where your life went and could end up bitter about how it has worked out. So no matter what the excuse, move away and do your travelling. Get out and see the world. And on a lighter note, as a woman I can tell you that women would find what you do attractive as it different from the norm and I have a boyfriend who would love to be doing your job!