No direction and in a mess

whyislifesohard

Hi Guys

im not sure if im on here for advice or just to vent, i find reading these boards brilliant and alot of you give great advice!!

So here goes...

Im a female in my 20's i have no direction in life cos i honestly havent a clue what i want to do , i work in a dead end job on really bad money but have no motivation to do anything else

I had a lot of health scares this year but finally im getting back on track this has left me with a major fear of change or getting out there etc dont get me wrong im extremly outgoing and when you talk to me you wouldnt know i was feeling like this but when im on my own i just think and think

2006 was one of the worst years ever for me alot self inflicted alot not

I have been having an affair with a married man stupid i know ive beaten myself up about this for a long time but i fell for him and let him go , he keeps coming back begging and begging i find myself falling back to him everytime and then stopping myself its eating me away because i know i only do it because im lonely

I havent had a relationship in years im not bad looking its just for some reason when it comes to men i become a mess

all i want is a decent lad to call , have fun and hang out with someone who wants me for me but everytime i meet a guy i make a show of myself and they never call again, its really starting to get me down
All i can think about is dying and never of fallen in love - very stupid i know!

Life in general is just hard for me at the moment like im in a hole and i cant see the light i really hope theres a few changes in 2008...

Have any of you guys ever been in a similar situation? sorry for ranting on i hope this makes sense!

Thanks
Barb

Rattlehead_ie

I think most people would be \ have been in a simular situation at some point in their life, some mid 20s and others further on in life. I know I've had a time where I felt the exact same.

I have been having an affair with a married man stupid i know ive beaten myself up about this for a long time but i fell for him and let him go , he keeps coming back begging and begging i find myself falling back to him everytime and then stopping myself its eating me away because i know i only do it because im lonely

Well 1st off its a good idea and well done fro stopping this, this is a situation where you and possible the guys partner will get hurt, so leave it alone I know its hard etc. Do you have any close friends you can talk to you about this?

Do you have any hobbies anything else that you have an interest in. I know myself, I concentrated on the gym and working on a long term injury I had, I also started to eat healthier and also aimed for some sort of goal, I was in a dead end job and I concentrated on, no matter how hard I had to work, that I'd go back to college and get the qualification I had wanted. after failing 2 years in a previous course.

I haven't had a relationship in years im not bad looking its just for some reason when it comes to men i become a mess

You don't need or have to have a relationship remember that. I know you feel lonely and possibly nowhere to go, if you have no other close friends even your parents, you may feel like you have no one to talk to, but entering into a relationship just to feel loved \ cared for is not a reason. Someone will come along who will sweep you off your feet, but for now concentrate on yourself not on yourself and someone else.

Life in general is just hard for me at the moment like im in a hole and i cant see the light i really hope theres a few changes in 2008...

Take it one step at a time. find something to work on and go from there, once you have motivated yourself to do something even something small more motivation will come for more.

I know that it may feel or look hard or bad at the moment, but don't kick yourself too much, we have all been there and well I for 1 have come out of it, I'm happy and still taking one thing at a time and working on motivating myself for more.

Anyway good luck and I hope it works out for you.

silasrat

seems to me u are putting to much emphasize on ''love'' and ''finding someone'' etc...
look around and you will see tht 99% of earths population are or will soon be in serious relationships so why would it not happen for you? my advice would stop worrying about and stop looking so hard for it and it will find u when its ready,... jus do tings u enjoy doing,go out dancing etc,read books,whatever floats ur boat,but most important be urself,look after ur own happiness and the rest will jus flow.......... good luck!

Marksie

I would suggest separating issues out into indivdual ones, from the work down to the personal.
Treating them as one large package will make the task of change seem daunting.

A lot of people fear change, but in reality change is important for personal growth and development. So as such its the fear you have to overcome and that is done by making changes not in a sweeping way but in small incremental steps.

Your returning to a guy who is ultimately no good for you is holding you back. It is affecting your self esteem and sense of self worth.
So as a mantra you could try telling yourself that you are worth it and are better than you think you are.
As for affecting change in your life
List the things you want to change, both he positives new jiob, relationship etc. and alsoi the negatives you want to change, self view and non productive relationship.

Take one of those things, perhaps even a small one and work on the steps you need to fulfill it.

Then go about taking those steps, juts for that one thing. When you achieve that you will begin facing your fears and will improve your self view.
Then when completed go onto the next one.

If you dp not fulfil it straight away do not lok at it as a failure but as a l;earning curve and that lessons are to be learned from everything you do.

When you are dating for example and "make a fool of yourself". What causes it, nerves? fear?, doubt?
Look at your behaviour and honestly assess what it was you are doing.
It is possible to change or spot such behaviour and then alter it or stop it before it gets too much.

It does take time and it will take effort and a willingness to accept that things may not always go smoothly, but gradually you willl begin to affect the changes you want.

whyislifesohard

Thanks guys for all your replies and advice its good to know im not alone on this

i just feel like im stuck in a rut life is so hard at the moment and im surrounded with all this negative and very few positives

My friends are brilliant but all the advice they give me i.e get a new job
i just dont have the energy to go to interviews or even look for a job...

I'm am very lonely I would love to have someone special just to be there
with any guys I mean its normally a disaster because i never let them see the real me .. its like i turn into a show off or something and just ruin everything.. i have also got a great habit of sticking my foot in things and i think this is why they run a mile they can probably smell the desperation off me... i'm not sure why i keep going back to the married man i suppose he says the right things and because i fell for him it didnt help i never thought i would ever be in this situation and i really beat myself up about this...

Marksie

whyislifesohard wrote: »

i really beat myself up about this...

That is where its coming from. You are beating yourself about everything.

The lack of motivation is merely a blind. If you REALLY wanted to affect change you would do it.

No-one, neither us nor your friend can change your circumstances. It is up to you to do it.

and you have to have the will tp do it. Simply saying oh but i am not motivated is an excuse.
You actually dont WANT to do anything about it.

It is a case of the known comfortable life of quiet misery is preferable to actively leaping into the unknown.

As for the dates..well what is the real you? At some point if you want a realtionship you will have to realise that being yourself is the essential way to be.

As for the married guy..well yes its a known factor again isn't it.

whyislifesohard: because you choose to let it be

Rattlehead_ie

Dont be afraid of being yourself around guys, dont be thinking "oh am I coming across as desperate or not." As Marksie said this is an issue and your beating yourself up about everything.

I have been accussed of being "keen" by 3 different girls over the last month and its not that I was trying I was just being myself and friendly. So take that as an example of don't worry about what they think, just think about what you know.

Whatever you do, set yourself a goal this week, whether its go to the gym once this week or meet up with a friend you havent seen for ages for a walk or whatever something that you dont normally do and keep your mind of married guy as if you even continue on and reach lots of targets the one mistake of going back to him will bring oyu back to where you are, your only young and have loads of your life to live

Piste

Try to prioritise your issues, the most concrete one seems to be your job, so try to look at changing that, you could try asking for a pay rise, and if that doesn't work out, think of your skills and what other jobs they could be used for. Having a look on some of the recruitment sies like www.irishjobs.ie and www.monster.ie might give you a bit of a boost.

As for the relationships think, there's not that much you can do to be pro-active about it, most likely think is you'll find yourself with someone without trying really hard, but to ensure that they don't run a mile try to think of the things that were turing guys away in the past, instead of thinking "i always put my foot in it" try to think what EXACTLY it is you're doing, you say it's "not you" so don't let that crop up when you're being with guys, acting as someone else obviously isn't working so when you find someone you're comfortable with just try to act naturally as you can, think about what to say or do before saying or doing it and think how they might react.

Finally, instead of searching for a new relationship, try to strengthen existing ones with your friends, try to make new friends too before starting a relationship as if you get comfortable with them without the pressure of wondering if they like you, you'll be more relaxed and confident whenit comes to taking things a bit further.

good luck