How do we get rid of Junky friend?

LegacyUser

A guy we grew up with is about to be released from prison. He is a complete and utter Begbie (see trainspotting). He had a tough upbringing (sure didn't we all).. His parents split up and both of them are batsh*t crazy. We were understanding for years to him and tried to help him when we could.

The thing is now - the time is up. He's been in prison for 6 months and we've finally been able to have some peace away from him but he's getting out soon and is going to plague us again. He was a heroin addict, but still dabbles everyday in coke, speed, pills and anything else he can get his hands on. He's completely paranoid and lashes out at his own friends with weapons.

We've finally had enough of him. I've felt sorry for him for so long and I've tried so many times to get his head clear and off drugs as I knew what they were doing to him. He'd say he was getting clean but then he'd go off session again for days straight and turn back into a nutcase.

To illustrate how much of a scumbag he is - One of my other friend's 21sts was on about 2 years back. My junky-friend had decided it would be best for himself to get rattled drunk and off his game on E's before we went out, knowing full well he'd ruin our chances of getting in anywhere. We couldn't get into any pubs because of him, and the day was about my friend - as it was his birthday and he deserved to go out and enjoy himself.

We told our junky-friend that it would be best for him to go home and get some rest because he was barely able to walk, let alone get into a pub and that it was our other friends birthday and he deserved to be able to enjoy it.

He went nuts and caused an absolute scene telling my friend he was going to stab him. He started kicking cars driving past and acted the complete and utter child. He then started kicking in windows and ran off screaming "I'm going to HANG myself" - and my friend spent the rest of his birthday unable to enjoy himself over it. Needless to say, our junky friend never hung himself and as usual just wanted to cause a scene.

We can't get him out of our lifes.. He shows up unexpected at our front door. If we don't answer, he will come around and knock on your bedroom window. Countless times have I been woke up at 3 in the morning from him banging on my window when I had work the next morning at 8.

I can't answer my phone anymore to private numbers just incase it's him. We can't go to any pubs with him because he always starts fights. We all had a craic and did some stupid things as kids (as does everyone), but we've all grown up now and matured - all except him. We can't be seen with him anymore. One of my friend's is a primary school teacher, the rest of us are either in college or in public jobs. Association with him could get some of us fired.

If we tell him to go away until he gets his head sorted, he still comes back. We've said it firm and clear that we don't want anything to do with him but he always goes away for a few days and comes back saying his head is sorted. There is NO way to get rid of this guy. HE will pester you on the phone, knock on your door, wake you up out of bed. I really can't put up with him anymore. I know this sounds cruel and unsupportive, but I've no time for junkies like him in my life. We've spent enough time trying to support him and help him.. but the time has come. We're so nervous about having to put up with him again as he's getting out of jail - we'd nearly go as far as put him back in prison, just so we don't have to deal with him.

What can we do? One of my friend's went as far as to move away and didn't tell him where he moved to, just to escape from him. I'm not moving anywhere. If we went and tell him firmly and clearly we don't want to hang out with him anymore, he will either go away for a week or react weird to it and lash out, breaking the place up.

Jack B. Badd

Jesus, that sounds awful for you and the rest of your mates. Surely this kind of behaviour qualifies as harrassment? Could you go to the gardaí and seek advise from them?

LegacyUser

What could we say to the Garda though? The thing is - if he heard we put a restraining order on him or something, he's so unstable mentally - it's hard to say what he might do. Normally because he hung out with another friend, we would have to put up with him everyday - but when he was in prison, one of his other friend's was murdered. It sounds so selfish of me, but he will try to spend every waking hour with us now.

He's a liar. He even got my friend chased around our city in his car - guys were trying to throw cans of coke and everything at the windscreen chasing them out a backroad. When my friend asked my junky friend why they were chasing them and if he knew them, he said no. But about a week later at a house party - my friend was told our junky friend owed them lads a large sum of money, and that's why they were chasing them. He didn't even have the courtesy to tell my friend who could of been killed! He had to call the garda on his mobile circling around outside their station to get a paddywagon to pull the other lads over so he could get away.

I know this all sounds like a hollywood movie, but it's all true. The guy is a nightmare and brings bad news everywhere he goes.

He actually scares us - he claimed to have a handgun (which we've never seen) - but I'd be worried if we said anything harsh to him, he'd come up to our house someone night when he's off his head and do some harm. Or maybe kick our cars in.. Who knows.

I even suggested him to move to England to start a new life (he's well known in town for being a thief/junky/troublemaker) just so he'd be out of our lifes for good, but then he got caught by the garda. I can't stand this guy in my life. None of my friend's can. I know you'd think it's just as simple as telling him we don't want to be his friends, but it's not.

Toots

Maybe some sort of restraining or barring order might be an idea?

Fysh

It definitely sounds like harassment and I'd say your only way out of this is going to be via the gardai. My suggested route would be to get all of you who are affected by this together to discuss it, and if you are all happy to proceed, then do the following:

1) Arrange some sort of group meet-up with him somewhere neutral (preferably not at any of your houses/flats as that may cause problems). Explain that you're all concerned about his drug use and that unless he goes into some sort of rehab program, none of you want anything to do with him any more. It'll take some delicacy to try and avoid him falling into a paranoid "you're ganging up on me" mentality, but you need to all hammer home the "sever all contact" aspect of the situation.

2) Assuming the worst and that he refuses to accept this, all of you will need to contact the gardai to discuss your situation. Explain the history of the situation in brief (perhaps say that you suspect he's using drugs rather than stating that you know full well he's doing so, if you're worried about that aspect of it). They probably won't be able to do anything more than take statements from you, but you should all go to ensure that they realise that this isn't a case of one of you being a bit odd, it's a serious problem.

3) Continuing to assume the worst, you'll all need to keep track of when he contacts you. If he phones or texts you, reply only to tell him you want nothing to do with him. Don't delete the messages, and keep a record of any phone calls. If he calls to your house, tell him to leave or you'll call the gardai. If he keeps it up enough to establish a pattern (eg several calls several times a week, for example, or sending persistent messages, etc) go back to the gardai and follow up your previous statement. This may be enough to get them to have a word with him and try get him to understand.

4) If, by this stage, he still hasn't understood, you should now be in a position to actually make a case of harrassment and hopefully get a restraining order issued. Of course, this doesn't mean that he can't keep nagging at ye, but it does mean that he faces legal repercussions if he does so. After that, it's a case of reporting him to the gardai for breach of a restraining order if he keeps at ye.

The sad thing is that the real problem here is his drug use. But, having had a couple of situations involving friends or flatmates using drugs to a similar situation, I would advise in favour of the selfish option of leaving it to him. Unless step 1) actually works as a sort of intervention and he gets himself into some sort of rehab program, cut him out of your life.

As for his mental instability - I understand your concern, but anything stupid he does or any threats he makes to ye will only accelerate the process of him facing legal repercussions. There's no other solution to this apart from silent relocation, and you shouldn't be forced to move away because someone else can't keep it together and has a drug problem.

johnnyskeleton

You can't really get a restraining order in Ireland (barring orders etc are in family law), but you are entitled to report any crime that has been committed against you.

So if you are threatened with death or serious injury and he intends you to believe he will carry out this threat then that's an offence. (threat to kill)

If he intentionally and illegally damages your property that is an offence.(criminal damage)

If he illegally enters your property and damages or steals property that is an offence. (burglary)

If he illegally and uninvitedly persistently followings, watchings, pesterings, besets or communicates with you intending to disrupt your life or in a manner which could be considered disruptive to your life, that is an offence (harassment).

There is also a new type of caution that the gardai can give, similar to the anti-social-behaviour orders in the UK, and if the person breaches the caution they can be brought to court & ultimately can be prosecuted.

If the person is convicted of any of those offences (particularly threat to kill or harrassment) the judge can order that he not have contact with the complainant for a specified period of time.

It's an unpleasant situation but you ultimately have to do what you think is best.

StandnDeliver

i know you said you dont want to move,but i would and change my contact number too.
have you visited this guy in prison?and how do you think he will take if you didnt?

other than moving you have no sure way of getting rid,maybe get a cd of a dog barking if you see him at the door.This may sound a bit mad but it does deter people makes them nervy.
Just say it isn't a convenient time,the dog is getting mad she doesnt like strangers or some story like that.

Shelli

I feel where your coming from, its very sad but the only way out of this may be to report some of his illegal activities to the gardai, it may end up with him back in prison, but that may be the only way.
from what your saying he sounds unstable and I can understand why you would be very scared to approach this matter with him, people under the serious influnce and hold of drugs are capable of anything, it may be too late by the time a barring order comes through, you or your friends do not deserve to be harmed by a nutter who has had all the chances in the world.

On the upside though, could it be that his stint in prison has reformed him at all? You may not have as much of a problem to face as you think. I do hope for your sake that this is the case.

sunnyjim

Oh jaysus OP, that's a tough one.

I'd try persisting him to move to England. Visit him after he's there 2 days, then maybe 3 weeks later, then maybe 2 months later, then cut contact...

Wean him off ya, you know?

I'd hate to be in your shoes. Especially since you and your friends are all doing the respectable thing, working hard, studying, proper public jobs.

Solair

It's tough but there's only so much you can do for someone like that. If he's become a danger to you and your friends you have no choice except to cut *ALL* contact.

This guy is a stalker, and worse still a violent, dangerous drug-addicted one with a criminal network.

I don't mean to worry/scare you but this kind of person is extremely dangerous and the most likely (statistically) to kill you, injure you, your family or friends.

You cannot mess about and you absolutely have to take action on this.

Go to the Gardai and tell them that you are being stalked by a former-friend etc and that you need to speak to someone for advice. They usually have someone who has dealt with this kind of situation before and who can provide you with advice on the issue. If you are worried about him finding out, explain this to the Gardai and say that you would like to meet someone in a station outside your area.

The usual advice is:

Do not accept any calls from him
Do not reply to any text from him.
Get a new mobile number and landline number if needed.
Do not engage in any conversation with him under ANY circumstances either in person or by telephone.
If he calls from a withheld number, hang up on him and do not engage in conversation.
Do not answer the door to him.
Instruct all of your mutual friends not to pass any information about any of your personal lives on to him under any circumstances.
If you're on any social networking sites e.g.: facebook or bebo, close your accounts a.s.a.p. Blocking / Making them private can work, but remember people can pass info on / he may have access through someone else.
Ignore any attention seeking behaviour.
If he knows where you go out at night / socialise - change venues. It's difficult to do but you may need to avoid pubs, clubs etc where he might be / might know that you frequent.

Obviously you have to do all of those things within reason i.e. in such a way that you do not provoke a violent response but the aim is to not interact in anyway to such an extent that he just looses interest / forgets about contacting you at all. It's very difficult to do, but often it does work. Just don't make it seem like you're 'blanking' him too suddenly as he may pick up on this and become frustrated.

Absolutely seek advice from the Gardai though, they are very helpful on issues like this and have some excellent people who will be able to give you full advice on how best to proceed for your own safety and the safety of your family.

If you don't get a good response from your local station, ring Garda HQ and ask for details of a suitable liaison officer to speak to.

Remember, Gardai themselves often experience this kind of harassment on a personal level so they're very very aware of the risks, dangers etc.

Solving a situation like this can be very difficult to do and can be highly disruptive to your social life, but just remember it you your personal safety that's at risk and quite possibly that of your friends and loved ones!!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Was any part of his sentence suspended? Say you knew he has a decent amount of coke on him you could set him up.

Einstein

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Was any part of his sentence suspended? Say you knew he has a decent amount of coke on him you could set him up.

despite how bad the situation seems, I think te above post is a little excessive.
When is he due out of prison? Has he been clean when he was in there? Might be an idea to visit him in prison and tell him of your plans? Depending on how long he has left and if he manages to stay clean in there it might sink in?
Was this his first time in jail? If so that could be enough of a wake up call in itself.