My mum is ruining the family

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me at the moment, because right now I’m really lost and could do with some direction. I'll first start with saying that there's a long history of problems in my family, including several attempted suicides from my father alongside with him being an alcoholic. My parents came from really deprived, abusive backgrounds, and my siblings and I grew up in a tormented house while my dad was around, until around 5 years ago when my mum finally kicked him out.

But in the past year my mum has taken a trip downward. She refuses to seek help, and doesn't listen to any of us. She's started to drink and she's always smoking hash. She spirals into deep bouts of depression and has missed a lot of work, and we're getting into a lot of financial debt because of this. She has nothing good to say about us, and picks out our flaws and weaknesses. I myself have a long-term illness, which she keeps reminding me about and tells me how it's made her weak etc. We cannot keep any kind of alcohol lying around the house because she always just consumes all of it when she's feeling down. She has had a few fairly serious incidents with us where she has cut her arms and legs in front of us and tells us that she doesn't care anymore and how she's stronger than us, etc.

Last night the same thing happened but this time it was much worse. She had cut her legs badly and almost got into a fight with myself as I attempted to stop her leaving the house; she was threatening to ruin a local neighbour's house whose occupants are teasing/bullying us, with paint graffiti.
Please help, I don't know who to turn to. Talking isn't going to do any good at this stage, we've all gone through several counsellors, with mine coming to the conclusion that I need to leave the house. This isn't possible though as I am on disability allowance and trying to make my way through college. And I would not leave my brother (age 15) or sister (age 18) for anything.
I can't turn to family because we literally have none...All of whom are related to us come from the same background as my parents and are for the most part, mentally unstable.
Does anyone know of any kind of charities/agencies who could deal with my situation? My mum doesn't consider anything to be wrong with her so I need somebody who will listen to my siblings and myself without being sceptical.

Thank you for reading through this....Any and all replies welcome

the dee

I don't really have any advice to offer but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you.

Esel

Talk to your GP about this situation. They should know who to refer you to.

Dudess

Barnardos might be a place to start - there's still a child in the house.

JuliusCaesar

Dudess wrote: »

Barnardos might be a place to start - there's still a child in the house.

What a terrible situation you are in. You need to talk to the GP, who may be able to arrange help for her - whether she wants iit or not - and do please talk to Barnardos, Childline, anyone who may be able to help. I do hope you can get something sorted out. Wishing you all the best. JC

kraggy

Maybe Social Services:

http://www.hse.ie/en/HealthServices/HealthServices/Category/ChildProtectionSocialWorkServices/

It's not just Child Protection. They also provide family support. Hopefully they can help.

You are doing the most important thing anyway: seeking help, which is good but it's terrible that all this lies on your young shoulders.

Whatever help you do manage to get, you need to sit with them first and explain everything, especially about your mum so they'll know how to approach her as her reaction could be extreme. She could see it as you going behind her back and that you are against her.

Hope things work out for you OP. Really do. Hang in there and hopefully you'll look back on these days as a thing of the past.

Good luck.

Quality

If your brother is still in school would you be able to talk to his principle? Or your GP?

Do you have a councellor in college that you can talk to?

I hope things get better for you.

bronte

The samaritans may be able to help you too op, just to talk and get things off your mind.

Crumble Froo

Quality wrote: »

If your brother is still in school would you be able to talk to his principle? Or your GP?

Do you have a councellor in college that you can talk to?

I hope things get better for you.

im really sorry you've had to go through all this, OP, and i sincerely hope that over time, you and your family can get through this with as little negative after-effects as possible.

one thing i will say, however, is that i would recommend going to the HSE before you go to the school principal. as far as i know, the school would be obliged to report anything back to the HSE anyway, if they had *any* concerns at all about any of the children's living situations, particularly if someone came in and told them straight out there were problems, and in my experience anyway, schools do not tend to be the most subtle, and i can imagine the last thing your bro wants when he's at school and away from home is to be called out of class, or even generally reminded of things there like that.

i would recommend talking to some sort of authority though, it's too much to try cope with by yourself, and you need to do whatever you can to try help your mam sort her out, even if at the beginning, it looks like the hardest thing in the world.

Suave

Except for Barnardos, ChildLine and Social Services (who all mainly deal with children - although they'd be likely to help anyone who asks for assistance), there'll most likely be local support groups for this sort of situation. If not else, it is your GP's job to source support for you if you ask for it.

What an awful situation. My instinct is to tell you to close ranks around your siblings and let your mother know that she is on her own with her behaviour (generally, this is the only effective way to deal with true dependency), but it can't be easy when it's your own mother you're talking about. How do you think she'd react, if, say, you showed her your messages from this site when she's sober? Is she lucid enough still to be able to turn herself around, do you think?

jos28

I definitely think you should start with your GP. Do you and your Mum have the same GP? He may be more aware of what is going on in your Mam's mind than you think. I feel it is time that your Mam is issued with some form of ultimatum and a guarantee of support to sort out her problems. She needs a wake up call, if she doesn't sort her life out then she runs the risk of losing you all. I don't mean to sound harsh but I think at this stage you have to be cruel to be kind.
I send you every good wish, it is a terrible situation for one so young. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders so stay strong.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all your support and advice everyone I've made an appointment to see my GP about my mum, so hopefully she can point me in the right direction. If it means social services have to get involved, so be it. I can't imagine going on any longer like this, and I'd rather see things change. In reply to Suave, my mum would not take this message lightly because she honestly thinks she's not doing anything wrong. When i have confronted her in the past she makes excuses and says it's ok to "go off the rails" once in a while. I'll keep you posted on how things turn out. Thank you all again so much

Crumble Froo

best of luck again, and defniitely keep us posted

luckat

You seem to be dealing with this calmy and sensibly. Well done.

You might also think of joining Al-Anon/Alateen, an association of people who belong to the family of alcoholics and other addicts. Here's their Irish web address:

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

It's a support group made up of people who know what you're going through, because they're going through the same, or have been through the same - the child's terror that the mother will turn up drunk at sports day, the begging not to drink, the shame at wanting a toy or needing clothes when all the money is urgently needed to buy drink, etc, etc.

And by its nature it's full of people who know what social services can do, and how to find help.

WhiteWashMan

The samaritans is a good place to start. I dont think we have the answer, but one of the councilors they have may be able to direct you to a better answer. This is not something that is going to be fixed with a quick shrink session or an interview with HSE, so the nice chaps at the Samaritans may be to give you some info or idea on what may have to happen long term, at which point you will be better equipped to make a decision.

And you do need to make a decision. Your mother sounds like shes completely cracked up and lost. If she wont get help, then you need to step in, not directly, but by contacting an agency that will help the family. Its obviously not doing the family unit as a whole any good, and none of you will be able to heal while this is on going.

Id advise you to do it right now, if you havent already. Seriously.

Reku

I think it's a case of her being depressed and not knowing how to deal with it, substance abuse (effectively covert/less obvious self harm) as well as overt self harm, pointing out other peoples' flaws to distract attention from herself (sometimes just to drive them away so they won't get upset/worried about you), misplaced anger, etc....
As to how to deal with it, I don't know....
Unless you can get her to admit that she's depressed you'll never be able to help her/get her to help herself, unfortunately between the depression and the effect of alcohol and hash on the brain she may be a bit too aggressive to simply sit down and talk about this with so getting her detoxed may be the first step.

luckat

Farohar, I don't want to gainsay you, but I would advise the OP strongly against becoming his or her mother's counsellor.

Part of being an addict is the swamp-like ability to suck your children into behaving as your parents, rather than your children, and this is destructive to children.

OP, go for help - try Al-Anon, school, the Samaritans, the HSE - but don't take on responsibility for weaning your mother from her depression and addictions. You're not qualified for that and will fail, and it will also interfere with your own growth into maturity.

I'm not saying you need to abandon your mother or stop loving her. But *on no account* try to heal her yourself. She - and you, and the rest of your family - need professional, qualified, experienced help.

Reku

I never said that she should become her mother's councellor, rather that she needs to get her mother to admit to needing help, quite a difference.

milkerman

This is a potentially dangerous situation. A mother with drug & alcohol issues combined with self harm & aggression. Go to your GP and get a referral to the family support wing of the HSE. A social worker might be able to work with your mother & family as a whole to improve the situation, or recommend removal of the minor from the family for safety sake.
I know this service has been much criticised in recent times in light of tragedies in various parts of the country but the service is there and please try to make use of it. Please dont let me read about a tragedy involving your family on the front of a newspaper.