feeling invisible

LegacyUser

My bf and I had another small argument and being a bit upset I told him it was better to break up.
It's not the first time I "suggest" something like this but we both know that I didn't really mean it.
The thing is that my bf seemed to be ready to accept this break and didn't say anything to try to sort things out.
Maybe I thought he felt more for me and wanted to stay with me for real doing something about it.
I think it's over for good and it's so upsetting to realise only now that being with me or not was the same for him.
I feel so unsignificant

the dee

Maybe he got fed up of you threatening to dump him so let you do it this time. It's not something you should suggest during an argument unless it's really what you want.

I doubt he's as indifferent to you as you think - it sounds like you might have pushed him too far and he's upset with you. You need to calm down. If you really want him back you have to talk to him, tell him you didn't mean what you said, you're sorry, you'll never do it again etc. Then, if you get back together, keep your word.

Again - if arguing - don't suggest breaking up unless it's really what you want!

Cathmandooo

Sorry but that's such a mean thing to do to a partner. You cant say something and expect him to know you dont mean it!! You were the one who suggested a break up, don't play games like that and expect not to come out of it burned. If you manage to pull your relationship back together then never do that again, no one deserves their head to be messed around like that. If a fella did that to me he'd be booted out the door.

Jack B. Badd

AngyBari wrote: »

My bf and I had another small argument and being a bit upset I told him it was better to break up.
It's not the first time I "suggest" something like this but we both know that I didn't really mean it.
The thing is that my bf seemed to be ready to accept this break and didn't say anything to try to sort things out.

Wow, so you dicked around with your boyfriend's feelings repeatedly by telling him you wanted to break up even though you didn't mean it and it bit you in the ass, you say?! I find it somewhat difficult to feel sympathetic for you.
Best thing to do is to carry through with this threat and break up, do some growing up and maturing and when you are capable of acting like an adult in a relationship then you should start dating again...

bronte

You can't suggest a break-up if you don't really feel that way.
That's not fair.
He seems to have gotten fed up with your threats.
If you do get back together, don't do this to him again.
It's not up to him to "try sort this out" it's up to you.

Teddi

sorry to say you put yourself in this prediciment, If my g.f told me for the second time that "we should break up" id be like....ah here, fine...your doin my head in now!...and you didnt mean it?.....fair enough the first time you can put down to an accidental blurt out, but a second time is inexcusable.

albeit i dont know what the argument was about, you may have to be the apologiser here...

j0e

well maybe next time u wont mess ppl around with head****s and mind games

TheDriver

Absolutely agree with all the above, you cried wolf once too often! How in Gods name is he supposed to know you didn't mean it, that would wreck guys heads that you say things you don't mean! Cop On, go talk to him if your ready to act like an adult or go out with someone immature if you want to act that way.

j0e

AngyBari wrote: »

I feel so unsignificant

this really gets me saying you feel so unsignificant how do you think your bf felt in the relationship being left in limbo land where his gf was constantly suggesting to break up

LegacyUser

AngyBari wrote: »

My bf and I had another small argument and being a bit upset I told him it was better to break up.
It's not the first time I "suggest" something like this but we both know that I didn't really mean it.
The thing is that my bf seemed to be ready to accept this break and didn't say anything to try to sort things out.
Maybe I thought he felt more for me and wanted to stay with me for real doing something about it.
I think it's over for good and it's so upsetting to realise only now that being with me or not was the same for him.
I feel so unsignificant

How will he ever know when you really mean it? He is probably better of without you.

stratospheres

You must be quite young?
I'm ashamed to say I've done this sort of things in relationships before. It was just my own insecurity, I was feeling the guy needed to prove how much he wanted me or something. It's a very mean thing to do and it will backfire eventually. There's only so many chances someone will give you even if they do love you very much.
If you're lucky enough to sort it out with your boyfriend, I would suggest you stop and think before you go to do that sort of thing again.

Asok

I don't feel any bit of sympathy for you. As someone who has been on the receiving end of these "Games". There is nothing for your boyfriend or ex boyfriend now I suppose to do about this. You are the one who is going to have to grow up and go and try get him back and never pull a stunt like that with him again. Its not fair on him and certainly something that should never feature in a healthy relationship.

Liam Byrne

I was on the receiving end of this for 3 weeks in the run-up to Christmas, and while I wanted it to work, the feeling that someone doesn't want you gets overwhelming, and you start to feel like you're a stalker and unwanted.....not good for the sanity. It was almost like going out with identical twins; one that was sharing everything with me and one that didn't want me around. At her best, she was amazing (and I'd have stuck with her through thick and thin) but everything seemed to be a challenge or test, or I was accused of reading into things any time she pulled that stunt....

we both know that I didn't really mean it

How, exactly, is he to know ? You can only go by what someone says/how they act around you, and there's always a limit as to how much someone can afford to stick their neck out.

My advice is that if you really want it, ring him or call over to see him and sort it out; if he feels strongly for you - AND if you promise not to pull a stunt like this again - then he'll be delighted to see you....I know that's my scenario, but in my case I know that it ain't gonna happen....unless by some strange coincidence the OP is my ex......

But there's a lesson there, as the saying goes - be careful what you wish for....

LegacyUser

I immediately told him I didnt mean it and that I love him to bits.
He knows that he means the world to me.
In the last year he made many mistakes,he lied to me,he even beated me and bruised me and I have always forgave him because of I love him..
He kept on being cold and distand with me and only then I told him that maybe it was better to break up.
I didn't mean to threaten him or to mess with his head.
I have always been loyal,honest with him and I thought I could help him understanding he could lose me if he kept being like that...
Sometimes people don't realise what they're loosing untill it's too late..
I am sorry you think I have to grow up...I am sure if you knew what I have gone thru you would understand a lot of me.
I only hoped he could do something to sort things out this time

Jack B. Badd

AngyBari wrote: »

he even beated me and bruised me and I have always forgave him because of I love him..

If this is true then you're acting in an even more stupid and dangerous manner than I originally thought. You are in an abusive relationship. You are actively putting your health and wellbeing (both physical and emotional) at risk.
Leave. NOW.

Cathmandooo

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

If this is true then you're acting in an even more stupid and dangerous manner than I originally thought. You are in an abusive relationship. You are actively putting your health and wellbeing (both physical and emotional) at risk.
Leave. NOW.

+1


If he beats you he doesnt love you so leave him before it's too late.

Teddi

you must be young to have thought not mentioning the above in your original post was ok....this would have helped alot....

As what has just been said, this doesnt sound like a very healthy relationship, you must be somewhat scared of him if he has hit you and you've stuck around, there is only so far love can take you. Im getting the impression that he may be taking you for a fool/ someone to manipulate. Are you at his beck and call? if its something where he says jump, and you respond with "how high?" (not in a literal sense) well then you need to get out of this situation a.s.a.p , though this is just my opinion and not to be taken literally.

I hope you get this sorted out.

Liam Byrne

OK, at least that's clarified that the OP is NOT my ex......

Mental and emotional abuse is bad enough, but physical abuse is AT LEAST as bad (in the sense that mental and emotional abuse can leave non-visibile scars).

It's not love and not worth fighting for, and it's a completely different scenario to what you indicated in the original post. Get out now.

Talliesin

AngyBari wrote: »

In the last year he made many mistakes,he lied to me,he even beated me and bruised me and I have always forgave him because of I love him.

I don't think it's loving him that's to blame for you forgiving him. I think it's much more likely that it's a matter of how you view yourself and how you view being in a relationship.

In your first post you complain not of the fact that you have lost a partner, but about feeling insignificant. You were using the relationship for validation and were upset at the lack of validation. This also is a reason for playing the mind-games with him, as arguments threaten the validation and while playing mind-games would threaten the relationship, putting him into a position of re-affirming the validation you're getting from the relationship, and that's more important.

Now, if it was a healthy relationship this would be a big problem, because it could lead to him leaving you - as it indeed has done. In an abusive, violent, and cold relationship it's an even bigger problem, because it keeps you from escaping.

It would have been better in a lot of ways if you'd been the one to leave him, but you're free either way. The important thing is to look at why you didn't leave earlier and why you were playing such games. Otherwise either you'll end up in another such relationship, or else if you are in a good one you'll destroy it because anyone who'd make a good partner would likely be much less reason to put up with that sort of crap than an abusive twat (who after all had his own reasons for his own behaviour).