Taken for granted or expecting too much?

LegacyUser

Hello.

This thread might seem a bit pointless as it's not an earth-shattering predicament or anything close, but it's something I'd like some unbiased perspective on.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 10 months. Anyway, I do love him, but recently some things have just been really pushing my buttons.

I lost my virginity to him a while ago. Currently looking into going on the pill or some other form of contraception, and using condoms for the time being, the idea being that we intend to have sex without a condom afterwards. However, I really want him to have STI etc tests before we do this, not because I don't trust him, but to put my mind at rest (I've never had sex with another person and I don't fancy catching something the first time I do without a condom). He kind of sighs etc when I broach this subject, arguing that on the one night stands he has ever has (few, he assures me) he has always worn one, and that out of his two previous girlfriends he only ever slept with one unprotected. I have argued that that's not the point, you don't know if you have something unless you are tested, that he doesn't know all these people's sexual history etc. Whilst we haven't had a raging row about it (I'm leaving it be for the time being), it kind of annoys me because I think "hey, I'm going on contraception because we're in a committed relationship, if you value that as much as I do you'd do this much to put me at ease". Am I being a cow?!

Also, I am always the one to come to him. He is working full time at the moment but claims to be too broke due to debts, credit cards to be paid off to bring me out at the moment or even get the odd bus to town and meet me there. This basically means I make a 2 hour public transport journey to see him a few times a week. For family reasons (on my end) he can't really come to mine, but that's not the issue...I'd be happy to meet halfway. I just feel a bit like it's a very convenient set up he has.

Another little thing, we are going away down the country for a weekend soon. I booked this on his credit card (at his request). A week or so later he starts to mumble something about changing the weekend to the following weekend because his sister, her husband and their baby will be coming up for her birthday and will be staying and he wants to be around for it and the baby (who he is mad about). While this does make me feel a bit miffed, he had known about it earlier, so I don't see why he didn't tell me to book it for the other weekend in the first place! The booking was moved to the following weekend anyway. I'm not exactly jealous of the baby (maybe just a smidgeon haha), and I do like that he is very family oriented etc., but sometimes I feel like its at my expense too.

So, breath. Am I expecting too much from him? I'd just like to know if I'm a total psycho bunny boiler or being taken for the proverbial ride! Thanks!

King of Kings

on the std testing front (i know i'll be hung here ) but personally i've never been concerned when in a relationship about switching from condoms to unprotected sex. no point me saying so cos in any relationship i've never asked that we do std tests. but that said if any partner had asked me to take you I would have.
I am appalled that he won't. It does sounds to be that he doesn't respect you.

My opinion on him respecting you is confirmed by what you describe his unwillingness to move his ass to meet you and making you travel 2 hours to get to him.
As a guy who has lived a little I think he does take you for granted.
I do think you should ditch him. There are plenty of other guys out there decent enough to treat you right and at minimum meet you half way if you live far apart.

That credit card bills thing is crap - he doubt he is bankrupt and i'll bet he can afford pints with the lads.

the dee

I agree with kingofkings. It's perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to be tested if you plan on having sex without condoms. He's being a total jerk about it.

I know you've only described the negatives of the relationship here and there's probably plenty of positives, but they sound like big enough issues to question why you're with the guy.

PeakOutput

he is taking you for grated BUT that does not mean dosnt care for/love you.

i took my x for granted fr a good while which eventually ended in her doing the dirt. im still not sure if i loved her but it is the best relationship iv ever had and its ****ty that it ended like that. so what you should do is tell him first in a rational calm way how you feel.

he WILL probably shrug it off as you overthinking like i did but give him a chance to change and keep bringing it up. if you really like him give him 6 weeks to change after that its time to move on just dont do it the way my ex did as thats pretty ****ty

Rattlehead_ie

I would for the most part agree with some of the others.
Being a guy, I had been asked once by a partner to have an STi test, I did it but ill admit was a bit pissed off at being asked seeing at the time I was a virgin
I would normally have no problem with this kinda request (all be it a bit strange) from a partner, I wouldn't take it as a sign of mis trust or anything. I also would think from his perspective though and be patient with him over it. I would expect her to have the same response if I asked her the same.

the dee

Rattlehead_ie wrote: »

I would for the most part agree with some of the others.
Being a guy, I had been asked once by a partner to have an STi test, I did it but ill admit was a bit pissed off at being asked seeing at the time I was a virgin
I would normally have no problem with this kinda request (all be it a bit strange) from a partner, I wouldn't take it as a sign of mis trust or anything. I also would think from his perspective though and be patient with him over it. I would expect her to have the same response if I asked her the same.

I can see it might be a sensitive subject to bring up but the guy has said that he had unprotected sex with someone once. That's reason enough and he should respect that.

Rattlehead_ie

the dee wrote: »

I can see it might be a sensitive subject to bring up but the guy has said that he had unprotected sex with someone once. That's reason enough and he should respect that.

Oh I missed that.... In that case, they guy should have no problems getting a test done same would go for any girl that I would come across in the same situation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. Seems the general consensus is he is perhaps taking me for granted a little. I do know he loves me, but I think he can be quite a selfish person, even unwittingly rather than vindictively etc. Re: the STI test, thanks for reassuring me that it's not a completely terrible thing to request! If the shoe was on the other foot, I really wouldn't have an issue with it at all. So, do I bring up these grievances, ask for compromises, wait for him to change or deliver an ultimatum?

kittykitty2

You're totally right to ask him-it doesn't take a lot of bother to get tested and it's well worth it. I know a girl who contracted an STI when she lost her virginity to her boyfriend of 6 months , simply because he wasn't too keen on wearing condoms and the girl was on the pill. That's the kind of thing that really makes you see the logic in making sure your partner is tested, for his sake as well as yours.

the dee

Unreasonable? wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses. Seems the general consensus is he is perhaps taking me for granted a little. I do know he loves me, but I think he can be quite a selfish person, even unwittingly rather than vindictively etc. Re: the STI test, thanks for reassuring me that it's not a completely terrible thing to request! If the shoe was on the other foot, I really wouldn't have an issue with it at all. So, do I bring up these grievances, ask for compromises, wait for him to change or deliver an ultimatum?

He's not going to change unless you talk to him. You'll probably know the best way to do it yourself. You might know if he responds better to sweet-talk or threats or whatever. If all else fails give him an ultimatum. If he's genuine in his affection for you, he'll act on it. If not, then go through with your threat, you'd be better off without him.

Don't make an ultimatum and back down on it later - he'll really take you for granted then.

LegacyUser

the dee wrote: »

He's not going to change unless you talk to him. You'll probably know the best way to do it yourself. You might know if he responds better to sweet-talk or threats or whatever. If all else fails give him an ultimatum. If he's genuine in his affection for you, he'll act on it. If not, then go through with your threat, you'd be better off without him.

Don't make an ultimatum and back down on it later - he'll really take you for granted then.

Thanks. That's really good advice. I think I've just been too much of a soft touch and also thought I was being unreasonable in my expectations. I will try and have a calm conversation with him...and not let him brush it all off as he usually does...and if he doesn't at least try and compromise with me on certain things (and especially if he refuses point blank to take the STI test), I'll have to tell him that it's not going to work.

LemonyFresh

I definitely think you need to have it out with the guy! He might love you and all the rest, but come on, he's DEFINITELY taking you for granted based on what you've said. I mean, how much does it cost to get the bus to town? 2 euro max!!! And the STI thingy, he gets tested or you get going! :rolleyes:

Toots

OP, you definitely aren't being unreasonable by asking him to take an STI test. In this day and age, it's a fairly standard thing and if I was you I wouldn't even consider having unprotected sex with my partner unless I knew he was clean. Like you said yourself, with a lot of STIs you don't know you have them unless you get a test. Also, you don't have to have penetrative sex to get an STI, oral will do it too, so that's also something to bear in mind. As regards issuing ultimatums on the relationship, that is up to you, but I would definitely tell him that condom-free sex is off the cards until he gets the test.

Carrigart Exile

I'm sorry but if after 10 months together you asked me to take an STI test or go, I would go. I also get the feeling he has lots going on in his life whilst you do not, does he come from a big family and you dont? Do you resent the fact that he has loads of other calls on his time? I would be careful playing the tough nut, the advice about sitting down and chatting is best, after all unless you tell him these things are getting to you he won't know.

Suave

About the STI testing thing: has the ever had oral sex with someone else? If yes, he could have caught something that way (I doubt he'd use a condom for that!), and really, I don't see why he wouldn't have himself tested if you really want him to. It's not an unreasonable request. Have you had sexual partners before him - with or without protection - and have you had yourself tested? If yes + no, then I can see his point; otherwise not.

About the other things: it's impossible to make a judgement without knowing the both of you and your relationship dynamics, but it sounds like his behaviour bothers you. Perhaps try bringing it up and see how he reacts? If he gets all pissy as opposed to sympathetic about it, I dare say it's a bad sign for a lasting, loving relationship. Difficult as it is, all I can recommend is for you to talk to him about it - and obviously not when you are or he is in a bad mood.

Edit: missed a few points above and agree with most: he should take an STI test and if he doesn't... well, why wouldn't he? Don't know what the guy above me is on about. Is he saying that he'd end it with a girl if she asked for a test? Seems odd.

Carrigart Exile

Suave wrote: »

About the STI testing thing: has the ever had oral sex with someone else? If yes, he could have caught something that way (I doubt he'd use a condom for that!), and really, I don't see why he wouldn't have himself tested if you really want him to. It's not an unreasonable request. Have you had sexual partners before him - with or without protection - and have you had yourself tested? If yes + no, then I can see his point; otherwise not.

About the other things: it's impossible to make a judgement without knowing the both of you and your relationship dynamics, but it sounds like his behaviour bothers you. Perhaps try bringing it up and see how he reacts? If he gets all pissy as opposed to sympathetic about it, I dare say it's a bad sign for a lasting, loving relationship. Difficult as it is, all I can recommend is for you to talk to him about it - and obviously not when you are or he is in a bad mood.

Edit: missed a few points above and agree with most: he should take an STI test and if he doesn't... well, why wouldn't he? Don't know what the guy above me is on about. Is he saying that he'd end it with a girl if she asked for a test? Seems odd.

Yes that's exactly what I am saying. And, its important the OP understands he might just react in the same way i would. I'm sorry i take it as a insult and especially after being in a full relationship for so long. How would you feel if she was asked to bring along her bank book and her credit card statements just so that he can check her financial health before going any further with the relationship.

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'm sorry but if after 10 months together you asked me to take an STI test or go, I would go. I also get the feeling he has lots going on in his life whilst you do not, does he come from a big family and you dont? Do you resent the fact that he has loads of other calls on his time? I would be careful playing the tough nut, the advice about sitting down and chatting is best, after all unless you tell him these things are getting to you he won't know.

I haven't had an STI test because I haven't had sex with anyone else, as I stated above. I also stated above that I would willingly have an STI test if the shoe was on the other foot and I had sexual partners prior to this relationship. It's not supposed to "insult" anybody, it's with a view to preserving and protecting BOTH of our health.

As for resenting all the other calls on his time, to be honest he doesn't really have any right now. He's going back to college at the end of this month after a leave of absence and I am also in college. I work at the weekends as well. So if anything, it's possibly harder for me to get out to see him than vice versa. He is from a bigger family than mine but it is also a broken family, however that is for another post and something I very much offer him support on.

Jack B. Badd

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'm sorry i take it as a insult

Why exactly would you take it as an insult?

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

How would you feel if she was asked to bring along her bank book and her credit card statements just so that he can check her financial health before going any further with the relationship.

This isn't comparable. Your partner's financial health may not necessarily have a lifelong impact on you whether you stay in the relationship or not, but your partner's sexual health could if you're planning to have unprotected sex.

Carrigart Exile

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Why exactly would you take it as an insult?



This isn't comparable. Your partner's financial health may not necessarily have a lifelong impact on you whether you stay in the relationship or not, but your partner's sexual health could if you're planning to have unprotected sex.

One of the main reason for relationship breakdown is financial pressure, I've yet to hear of any relationship breakdown because someone had unprotected sex, truth be told we should all demand financial information of a prospective partner. Is that not romantic, is that failing in the basics of trust, well so is demanding an STI check from a relationship you have been in for almost a year

csm

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

One of the main reason for relationship breakdown is financial pressure, I've yet to hear of any relationship breakdown because someone had unprotected sex, truth be told we should all demand financial information of a prospective partner. Is that not romantic, is that failing in the basics of trust, well so is demanding an STI check from a relationship you have been in for almost a year

You may have missed the point. It's not whether it has an effect on the relationship, it's whether it has an effect on you for the rest of your life. If my partner goes bankrupt and we break up then it has no effect on me really. If my partner gives me genital warts that appear sporadically for the rest of my life even after we break up then i'm not going to be happy.

Plus it's not about trust either. For example, he could have contracted chlamydia during his unprotected sex and he may have no idea (symptomless in many cases). Therefore he would think he was being honest when saying he was clean, when in actuality he could easily pass something on.

And finally, who wouldn't go through an STI test for a partner? I know it's a little uncomfortable for a fella but if you are committed to a relationship then it's absolutely no problem. In fact you should be happy you're putting your partners mind at ease.

Breaking up with someone because they insist on getting tested is ridiculous

LegacyUser

I know EXACTLY how you feel, OP. I've been bugging my bf to go for STI tests for nearly a year. When I brought it up at the start of the relationship, he thought it was a ridiculous idea and basically told me to go eff myself. I stupidly had unprotected sex with him once (I was on the Pill but still normally would use condoms), as he had told me he'd been with one girl, who was a virgin so I thought the risk was minimal. Turned out that wasn't the total truth, and I felt really deceived. He didn't get it though - the fact that Id never have had unprotected sex if I'd known the truth. I feel like he put me in danger by lying, but he just doesn't get it. He thinks no normal person would get STI tested unless they were shagging randoms all the time without protection, and anytime I bring up the subject it turns into a fight. He thinks I'm just totally paranoid and am being ridiculous. The thing is, I have a lot of problems 'down there', mystery infections etc, and although I've been tested several times for common STDs, I think he should go and get tested himself just to be sure he hasn't given me something. I feel like he is putting his fear of going ahead of my health, which hurts. He has finally said he's willing to go for tests if it's a male GP, but whether he'll actually go or not, I'm waiting to see.

I will also point out that my BF is FAR from an idiot. He's in every other way a brilliant boyfriend, goes out of his way for me, very caring/loving, and very responsible. Very intelligent - he got a 1st class degree in a science subject. He really isn't stupid, yet for whatever reason this topic is just off limits for him. It must be an Irish guy thing - he just insists there is no reason for him to be tested and he's only agreed to go so I stop nagging him. I just really hope he agrees to go - I've done my part (tested and was clean before I met him, and I'd only had one partner, protected).

Jack B. Badd

csm wrote: »

You may have missed the point. It's not whether it has an effect on the relationship, it's whether it has an effect on you for the rest of your life. If my partner goes bankrupt and we break up then it has no effect on me really. If my partner gives me genital warts that appear sporadically for the rest of my life even after we break up then i'm not going to be happy.

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head and perhaps explained my point better than I did.

Carrigart Exile, if a family member required a blood transfusion from you for some reason would you be insulted that your blood was tested for a transmissible disease? Would you honestly think less of your relative because they wanted to protect their health?

LegacyUser

Notunreasonable wrote: »

I feel like he is putting his fear of going ahead of my health, which hurts. He has finally said he's willing to go for tests if it's a male GP, but whether he'll actually go or not, I'm waiting to see.

That's exactly how I feel too. That he won't even consider going through a little bit of discomfort and perhaps embarrassment for the sake of my health and reassurance. It's hurtful but I doubt he sees it this way. Another thing you mentioned in that quote, say he agreed to go, just for the sake of shutting me up, what if he didn't actually go! I'd never know if he did or not so he could just say yup, all clean! Paranoia is taking over.... haha

Chinafoot

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'm sorry i take it as a insult and especially after being in a full relationship for so long.

A full relationship for so long using condoms. They now want to stop using condoms and the OP's boyfriend has admitted to having had unprotected sex in the past. How is it an insult for this girl to want to make sure they're both in the clear before they stop using barrier contraception? So because she didn't ask him right at the beginning she has no right to ask him now when they're discussing getting rid of the condoms? That makes no sense to me whatsoever.

OP, why not both get the tests done? Yes you were a virgin before sleeping with him but - and I don't want to freak you out here or anything - condoms aren't 100% and as your boyfriend has had unprotected sex in the past there would be just cause for you to get yourself checked out too. Propose it to him as a compromise.

As for the other issues, there does seem to be a lack of respect there. Personally I wouldn't accept having to constantly spend 2 hours on a bus to see my other half while he makes no effort whatsoever. That's very unfair and if I were you I'd be bringing it up and getting it sorted.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

OP, why not both get the tests done? Yes you were a virgin before sleeping with him but - and I don't want to freak you out here or anything - condoms aren't 100% and as your boyfriend has had unprotected sex in the past there would be just cause for you to get yourself checked out too. Propose it to him as a compromise.

God...now I AM freaked out! Hmmm, it never even occurred to me, that probably sounds really selfish but it genuinely didn't! Yeah, that could actually be a good compromise. Thanks.

dudara

Certain STIs can remain symptomless for yonks. A quick read of current literature on the topic of STIs in Ireland will reveal a strong increase in the amount of cases being presented.

It's not selfish, or silly to ask him to consider being tested.

Carrigart Exile

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head and perhaps explained my point better than I did.

Carrigart Exile, if a family member required a blood transfusion from you for some reason would you be insulted that your blood was tested for a transmissible disease? Would you honestly think less of your relative because they wanted to protect their health?

sorry guys but you are taking paranoia to new levels. A relationship needs to be about trust and honesty, you are stating you do not trust me and you are building the basis for the relationship on a false bedrock. He could happily pass a STI test then go behind the Op's back with someone catch something and pass it on. If the basis for your relationship is a clean bill of health then sanitise all aspects of your life together including financial, prenups, written agreements on children wanted, etc. maybe its just me (although one other poster got a very similar response from her boyfriend and has now nagged him probably to a point he will have doubts about her as a future wife) but I find it a fashion obsession and an insult. And, yes if it became a show stopper then so be it.

Talliesin

Unreasonable? wrote: »

Currently looking into going on the pill or some other form of contraception, and using condoms for the time being, the idea being that we intend to have sex without a condom afterwards. However, I really want him to have STI etc tests before we do this, not because I don't trust him, but to put my mind at rest

A perfectly reasonable and sensible decision.

Unreasonable? wrote: »

He kind of sighs etc when I broach this subject, arguing that on the one night stands he has ever has (few, he assures me) he has always worn one, and that out of his two previous girlfriends he only ever slept with one unprotected. I have argued that that's not the point, you don't know if you have something unless you are tested, that he doesn't know all these people's sexual history etc.

You're completely correct. He could well have caught something from any one of those people, indeed you could already have caught something from him.

Unreasonable? wrote: »

it kind of annoys me because I think "hey, I'm going on contraception because we're in a committed relationship, if you value that as much as I do you'd do this much to put me at ease". Am I being a cow?!

On the one hand it's pretty insulting to you to ignore such a perfectly reasonable request about what is an extremely important matter.

It's worth remembering though that a large motivation for not wanting to get STI tests is precisely the fact that he could have caught something. He could indeed have chlamydia, or gonorrhoea or even HIV. Who wants to find out that?

Now, chances are he doesn't, but there's a very strong motivation to just leave Schrödinger's box unopen and never find out whether the cat is dead or alive. Consider that people with symptoms of diseases that could only affect them often don't get diagnosed because it's too long, and why that is.

And then the fact that he's quite likely okay will weigh in as a self-justification. So you're caught between the two - the fact that he could have an infection motivates him to not find out and the fact that he probably doesn't prevents him from feeling any guilt about it.

So, while it's deeply insulting to you as a matter of fact, it's not motivated as an insult, but out of very real fears. They're irrational fears, but since when were people rational?

Unreasonable? wrote: »

Also, I am always the one to come to him. He is working full time at the moment but claims to be too broke due to debts, credit cards to be paid off to bring me out at the moment or even get the odd bus to town and meet me there. This basically means I make a 2 hour public transport journey to see him a few times a week.

He's too broke for public transport?

Unreasonable? wrote: »

I just feel a bit like it's a very convenient set up he has.

Here though you sound a bit like you're begrudging. People say things like this and it makes my skin crawl. His having a very convenient set-up would be a good thing. Don't you want him to have things easy in his life? Now, convenient at your expense is another matter, but the problem is that things are inconvenient for you when perhaps they need not, not that things are convenient for him.

Honestly, whenever I hear someone phrase things in that sort of way about their partner I hear major alarm bells. There's just something that doesn't sit right in phrasing the complaint in terms of something being good for him rather than something being bad for you.

Unreasonable? wrote: »

Another little thing, we are going away down the country for a weekend soon. I booked this on his credit card (at his request). A week or so later he starts to mumble something about changing the weekend to the following weekend because his sister, her husband and their baby will be coming up for her birthday and will be staying and he wants to be around for it and the baby (who he is mad about). While this does make me feel a bit miffed, he had known about it earlier, so I don't see why he didn't tell me to book it for the other weekend in the first place! The booking was moved to the following weekend anyway.

This sounds like someone had a brain-fart about the pressures on his schedule, and that required a change. What makes this a relationship problem rather than a mere screw-up?

Unreasonable? wrote: »

I'm not exactly jealous of the baby (maybe just a smidgeon haha),

How serious is that smidgeon you mention in joking parenthesis?

King of Kings wrote: »

(i know i'll be hung here ) but personally i've never been concerned when in a relationship about switching from condoms to unprotected sex. no point me saying so cos in any relationship i've never asked that we do std tests.

I wouldn't get the rope out over just that. We all have to balance up the levels of risk and act as we see fit. I wouldn't say you definitely had to have an STI test before stopping the use of barrier contraception.

I'd advise it in many cases, but I won't be gathering up a lynch mob because you and your partner decided otherwise.

Unreasonable? wrote: »

but that said if any partner had asked me to take you I would have.

That's precisely why I've left my best lynchin' rope in the drawer

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Yes that's exactly what I am saying. And, its important the OP understands he might just react in the same way i would.

There's a degree of crappy below which one pretty much assumes ones partner won't behave until it happens, and then one deals with that when it happens.

Otherwise everyone would just remain single forever.

Unreasonable? wrote: »

How would you feel if she was asked to bring along her bank book and her credit card statements just so that he can check her financial health before going any further with the relationship.

If a couple have zero financial responsibility towards each other, they have zero rights (or needs) to know what is going on in each others finances. If they have financial responsibilities then they have a right and need proportionate to that. If they get a loan (such as a mortgage) together they won't actually have any choice in the matter (since you're going to have to disclose details to the money lender).

Unreasonable? wrote: »

Hello.

This thread might seem a bit pointless as it's not an earth-shattering predicament or anything close, but it's something I'd like some unbiased perspective on.

My boyfriend and I have been together about 10 months. Anyway, I do love him, but recently some things have just been really pushing my buttons.

I lost my virginity to him a while ago. Currently looking into going on the pill or some other form of contraception, and using condoms for the time being, the idea being that we intend to have sex without a condom afterwards. However, I really want him to have STI etc tests before we do this, not because I don't trust him, but to put my mind at rest (I've never had sex with another person and I don't fancy catching something the first time I do without a condom). He kind of sighs etc when I broach this subject, arguing that on the one night stands he has ever has (few, he assures me) he has always worn one, and that out of his two previous girlfriends he only ever slept with one unprotected. I have argued that that's not the point, you don't know if you have something unless you are tested, that he doesn't know all these people's sexual history etc. Whilst we haven't had a raging row about it (I'm leaving it be for the time being), it kind of annoys me because I think "hey, I'm going on contraception because we're in a committed relationship, if you value that as much as I do you'd do this much to put me at ease". Am I being a cow?!

Also, I am always the one to come to him. He is working full time at the moment but claims to be too broke due to debts, credit cards to be paid off to bring me out at the moment or even get the odd bus to town and meet me there. This basically means I make a 2 hour public transport journey to see him a few times a week. For family reasons (on my end) he can't really come to mine, but that's not the issue...I'd be happy to meet halfway. I just feel a bit like it's a very convenient set up he has.

Another little thing, we are going away down the country for a weekend soon. I booked this on his credit card (at his request). A week or so later he starts to mumble something about changing the weekend to the following weekend because his sister, her husband and their baby will be coming up for her birthday and will be staying and he wants to be around for it and the baby (who he is mad about). While this does make me feel a bit miffed, he had known about it earlier, so I don't see why he didn't tell me to book it for the other weekend in the first place! The booking was moved to the following weekend anyway. I'm not exactly jealous of the baby (maybe just a smidgeon haha), and I do like that he is very family oriented etc., but sometimes I feel like its at my expense too.

So, breath. Am I expecting too much from him? I'd just like to know if I'm a total psycho bunny boiler or being taken for the proverbial ride! Thanks!

King of Kings wrote: »

on the std testing front (i know i'll be hung here ) but personally i've never been concerned when in a relationship about switching from condoms to unprotected sex. no point me saying so cos in any relationship i've never asked that we do std tests. but that said if any partner had asked me to take you I would have.
I am appalled that he won't. It does sounds to be that he doesn't respect you.

My opinion on him respecting you is confirmed by what you describe his unwillingness to move his ass to meet you and making you travel 2 hours to get to him.
As a guy who has lived a little I think he does take you for granted.
I do think you should ditch him. There are plenty of other guys out there decent enough to treat you right and at minimum meet you half way if you live far apart.

That credit card bills thing is crap - he doubt he is bankrupt and i'll bet he can afford pints with the lads.

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Yes that's exactly what I am saying. And, its important the OP understands he might just react in the same way i would. I'm sorry i take it as a insult and especially after being in a full relationship for so long. How would you feel if she was asked to bring along her bank book and her credit card statements just so that he can check her financial health before going any further with the relationship.

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

sorry guys but you are taking paranoia to new levels. A relationship needs to be about trust and honesty, you are stating you do not trust me and you are building the basis for the relationship on a false bedrock.

It's not about trust and honesty. He is completely honest about the fact that he could quite easily have an STI - several sexual encounters involving penetrative sex, one of which was unprotected. He doesn't know whether he actually does or not and isn't prepared to find out. It's not a trust issue, it's a responsibility issue.

Carrigart Exile

Sorry OP this has gone off at a tangent. The point I was making is that despite the affirmation from many on this thread please be prepared that he may feel as I do, and it could become a major issue, indeed the rock on which your relationship founders.

LegacyUser

Talliesin wrote: »

Here though you sound a bit like you're begrudging. People say things like this and it makes my skin crawl. His having a very convenient set-up would be a good thing. Don't you want him to have things easy in his life? Now, convenient at your expense is another matter, but the problem is that things are inconvenient for you when perhaps they need not, not that things are convenient for him.

Honestly, whenever I hear someone phrase things in that sort of way about their partner I hear major alarm bells. There's just something that doesn't sit right in phrasing the complaint in terms of something being good for him rather than something being bad for you.

How serious is that smidgeon you mention in joking parenthesis?

Thanks for your response Talliesin. I guess that portion of my post does make me sound like a begrudger. I'm not, I want his life to be happy and stress free (he has had a lot of things go wrong for him in 2007 in relation to family life etc. and I am very understanding of this and supportive of his efforts to return his life to how it was before the fallout as it were) but I've no qualms in saying that I'm peeved at the way I spend perhaps 8 hours a week, maybe more, travelling to see him, when it suits him, and that when I ask him if he wants me to call him, he will allocate a time in line with his tv viewing schedule or something!!! Convenient was probably the wrong word to use though. The baby, of course I'm not envious of a newborn child, I think it's just how I now and then I am expected to rearrange my plans around when he wants to see him. Again, this phrasing is terrible and makes me sound like a horribly self absorbed person, but, it's hard to give examples of.

Beruthiel

Unreasonable? wrote: »

I have argued that that's not the point, you don't know if you have something unless you are tested, that he doesn't know all these people's sexual history

I totally agree and if I were you, I would continue using the condom until he is tested. Your health is too important to be taking risks like that.

or even get the odd bus to town and meet me there. This basically means I make a 2 hour public transport journey to see him a few times a week.

He doesn't sound exactly overly interested, does he?

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

I'm sorry i take it as a insult and especially after being in a full relationship for so long.

What a bizzare comment to make - they have been using a condom all the time, he now want's to stop using one and the OP has requested he is tested first. A perfectly reasonable request for someone who does not want to take risks with their health.

How would you feel if she was asked to bring along her bank book and her credit card statements just so that he can check her financial health before going any further with the relationship.

What has that got to do with the price of turnips?

Jack B. Badd

OP, the fact of the matter is that requesting an STI test from your partner does not constitute a trust issue. It's not an insult or a judgement on their character. I do realise that there is a stigma about STIs in our society but if you're mature enough to be having sex then you should be mature enough to overlook any such stigma in favour of your health and that of your partner. I think both of you getting tested would be the best idea, that way all minds are put at ease. If he refuses or gets insulted then I really don't see what he's doing in a relationship in the first place as he's one of the most selfish people I've ever heard of. Good luck. Stick to your guns on this topic, it's too important to let slide.

estar

cool off and stop making thing so easy for him and see if he makes an effort

what would happen if you didnt make that bus journey or didnt sleep with him

or decided you wouldnt go on the pill

dont go on the pill unless you are happy to do so. dont put your life at risk.

Carrigart Exile

any update

Stabshauptmann

Rumour has it the STD test is quite painful and Id guess thats a big factor in him not wanting one. Dont go unprotected if he wont get tested, simple as.