Something missing

Bog Man

Early last year I was going through the final throes of a totally screwed up marriage. I was desperately unhappy but couldn't face not being around my kids or living somewhere they could not visit.
After months of procrastination (and some good advice from contributors to this forum) I decided to go. As it happened, my wife beat me to it and announced last August that she had found someone else and was moving out. Her solicitor's correspondence started within two days
So she moved in with her new BF. My daughter has stopped speaking to her mother (I told her not to take sides). The new BF lives in a really nice apartment but we have agreed the kids should stay with me at home until things are sorted.
In the interim I have had to adjust to being sole carer on a day to day basis, not easy but I was surprised by the number of friends that surfaced to help me out.
Early in December I was invited to a friend's house for a Christmas party (thats what I was told). Basically my friends wife was playing at being Cupid and tried to fix me up with one of her friends. These things rarely work, but this woman was really really really !^* nice. I just said what to hell, I have nothing to lose and asked her out. I enjoy her company, she is clever funny and looks great. We have seen a lot of each other in the last four weeks. She is a bit younger than me but it doesnt seem to be an issue. Her husband died quite young from cancer some years ago. My kids like her & bought her a small Christmas present without any prompting from me. Last night she stayed with me for the first time. I had forgotten what it was like. It was great. I think she liked it too.
Yet there is something niggling me today. I cant put my finger on it quite. This woman is a good thing for me - I know it. But I am uneasy with the whole situation.

LegacyUser

Relax And Enjoy

How Strange

OP, could it be your heart saying 'don't break me again, I'm just mending from the last time'? Or could it be your head saying 'what happens if this goes belly-up? My children are involved in this too and they can be hurt as well'?

I'm not suprised you are feeling a bit weird if this is the first woman you've met since your marriage broke down, you only met her very recently and she stayed the night last night. I'm not being judgemental at all; just pointing out a few things.

Realistically, you are only recently separated and you are the primary carer for the children so you must consider them when starting a new relationship.
Slow the whole thing down a bit. Enjoy each others company but don't let your children get too attached to her for a while. It is really lovely that they bought her a present but be careful that they don't look to her as being the new woman in the house. I'm sure they miss not having their mother around so having a nice woman in the house may seem comforting to them.

You deserve a bit of happiness but don't dive into a full on relationship just yet. Allow yourselves to date without any strings attached and let things evolve in their own time.

Otacon

???

Reading your post, I was thinking this was going to be something bad! You seem to have come through a major life change with some really good things [your kids, your house and it seems, your dignity] Now you've gotten together with a young woman who by all accounts seems nice. I can understand it being a bit weird at first seeing as it seems to be happening quite fast [less than 6 months after your marriage ended] but tbh I think you need to look at what you have now.

Talk to her, simple as. [The new woman I mean]

Beruthiel

Bog Man wrote: »

Yet there is something niggling me today. I cant put my finger on it quite. This woman is a good thing for me - I know it. But I am uneasy with the whole situation.

It's all new to you and can take time to adjust.
Be totally honest with yourself here, are you ready for a new relationship? Have you given yourself time to get over the fact that your marriage is over? Can you honestly say that you have 100% moved on? You realise you must be over one relationship before you can start another, otherwise you're on the rebound and it will probably end in disaster.

On the other hand, if you are comfortable with moving on and this woman is great, I suggest you take it very slowly.
I also think you should consider how much time you allow your kids to spend with her. They have already gotten her a christmas prezzie you say, so are you not rushing it by allowing them so much contact at this early stage?
Slow down and relax, enjoy the experience.

IRISH RAIL

Maybe see a counsellor by yourself just to talk things through and it might air out any underlying problems you have ?
but I think you have done really well here dont give up a good thing.

LadyJ

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

Maybe see a counsellor by yourself just to talk things through and it might air out any underlying problems you have

I would agree with this idea.
It is hard sometimes to know exactly how you feel about someone when
you haven't sat down to work out how you feel about yourself and your life first. Counselling can really be an eye opener and generally beneficial in the long run.

A broken marriage is not something that you can brush under the carpet so
easily. It takes time to sort yourself out and know yourself again. It's great
that you've found someone that you like but there will undoubtedly be lingering issues from what you have gone through in the past. How could there not be?


Just take it slowly and things will become clearer.

AngryBadger

I doubt there are many situations that can be as emotionally traumatic as going through a seperation, and making the kinds of adjustments that you've had to make in the last few months.

Like a bone needs time to knit itself back together, so too your emotions need time to mend after such a difficult period. That said, just as using a newly mended bone makes it stronger, so too will all these doubts evaporate over time.

You're both adults, and no-one's getting hurt here. Enjoy it for what it is, you've only known this woman the bones of a month, and of course you're going to find it weird, (maybe even difficult?) to be comfortable with her as a new partner, but you don't know where this is going to go.

Whether this develops into something long-term, or whether it becomes a friendship or a short term fling, there's no reason not to let yourself enjoy it.

My advice is to continue seeing this woman, and see where things go. If, in time, you feel things are going to fast, or whatever then maybe talk to her about it.

Of course, as has been said already, it always helps to talk to someone else be they a friend, family member, or indeed a councillor.

Bog Man

You know what?
I am worrying about nothing. I put up with awful sh*te for so long in a so called 'relationship' that maybe I expect awful sh*te to be part of this relationship (if there is one). But if my friendship with this new person should turn sour then I can just say goodbye. Time to start enjoying life again.
PS I received a smilie by text from *****. It is only a friggin text but I am grinning from ear to ear like a spotty schoolboy.

LadyJ

Good for you Bog Man.
Life shouldn't always be such a chore.

AngryBadger

Bog Man wrote: »

Time to start enjoying life again.
.

Time to kick it up a notch! BAM!

Go team Bog Man!

gamblitis

Good for you man. Its about time you start enjoying yourself properly with a woman.Now i'm not suggesting rushing into anything of course but enjoy yourself at a steady pace and in time things will take their course and hopefully for the best.I would have to back the idea of counselling.Just to get rid of anything that may be laying dormant in the back of your mind that may make you uncomfortable in future ya know.well keep us posted and let us know how things go.best of luck

SarahMc

Its great you have met someone but its WAY too early for them to be a part of your children's lives.

Maple

Bog Man wrote: »

You know what?
I am worrying about nothing. I put up with awful sh*te for so long in a so called 'relationship' that maybe I expect awful sh*te to be part of this relationship (if there is one). But if my friendship with this new person should turn sour then I can just say goodbye. Time to start enjoying life again.
PS I received a smilie by text from *****. It is only a friggin text but I am grinning from ear to ear like a spotty schoolboy.

brilliant. go for it man.

jdivision

OP it's great you met someone you like so quickly. Perhaps the niggling doubt isn't related to new woman in your life at all but more a realisation that yes this is great but there's crap coming down the line. As you say your wife sent you solicitors correspondence within two days of leaving. That sounds, unfortunately, like it could get messy. I think you should enjoy time with the new person in your life and try not to worry about what could happen.