Still no pleasure sex

Ruby19

Im new to boards so please go easy on me!

My friends and I arent very close and we dont talk about personal thinga and im also the oldest im my family so i cant talk to my brothers or sister so i hope somebody here can help.

I have been having sex with my boyfriend for a while now and pretend that it feels nice everytime when really it just hurts and i dont feel any pleasure at all. He is a bit older than me and has been in various relationships and i never told him i was a virgin when we first had sex because i knew he had been with other people.

I have heard people say it can hurt the first time but it seems to always hurt me a little and i never feel an ounce of pleasure at all.

Is it possible that we are doing something wrong? I dont think lube will help cos that doesnt seem to be the problem.

garthv

Try lube, its not gonna hurt to try it anyway

seamus

It's possible that you're just not giving yourself enough time to relax and warm up. Pleasureable sex doesn't really come naturally to most people, it takes time to work at it.

One of the big problems (particularly with women) is that they're not very sure or confident of their bodies. When asked what gives them pleasure, they say "I don't know, I've never figured it out". You should both take the time to explore each other's bodies and find out together what gives you pleasure. Just jamming it in there and pumping away will do nothing for you.

Also note that many women don't feel a lot of pleasure from penetrative sex alone. With a condom this can become little or no pleasure.

Porkpie

Get to know your own body more. Try some self-exploration. Indulge in plenty of foreplay. Try having a bath together, sensual massages, more kissing and stroking. Get him to give you some manual stimulation. Also, get him to go down on you if you're both comfortable with that. After all this, try the lube, I definitely think it will help.

You need to communicate together to work out a solution. You both need to be patient and willing to persevere. Hope this helps.

Ruby19

Porkpie wrote: »

Try some self-exploration. Indulge in plenty of foreplay. Try having a bath together, sensual massages, more kissing and stroking. Get him to give you some manual stimulation. Also, get him to go down on you if you're both comfortable with that.

We didnt really rush into sex, as he's experienced he knows how important foreplay is and we do all these things.

I suppose me being so inexperienced is an issue cos i dont know what to expect or what im doing which makes me afraid of trying new things. He always asks for blow jobs but i make excuses because i just plain dont know what they are or how to give one. From what i can tell my friends dont seem to know either.

His experience kind of inhibits me bacause im afriad he'll find out i lied about not being a virgin

Rattlehead_ie

As Porkpie said, relax, explore your own body 1st, see what feels nice for yourself, can you pleasure yourself etc? It may or may not be something that your doing right. Do you guys have much foreplay before hand or is it straight into sex etc. EVERYONE is different and while some people can just be ready for sex at the drop of the hate and get excited very easily some people, need alot of foreplay and even after that need lube etc.
One thing is don't get too hung up on it, or you will be lying there with your bf thinking oh god this isnt working, why isnt it working and you wont relax, will make you feel bad for lying to you bf and unless your really good at faking make your bf feel like **** cause he will thing that he isn't pleasuring you. Sit down talk about it, but as I said at the start enjoy your own body and see what you like, then see if you can teach your other half the same.

AngryBadger

How old are you and how old is he?

Seems to me that there's a lot of you avoiding certain things because you're embarrassed or ashamed about them, (i.e. sex stuff, like what's a blowjob).

Unless your bf is being totally insensitive, (which is going to stress you out and completely diminish your sexual comfort, and therefore your satisfaction), then I think you need to look at your own feelings about sex.

It's obvious that you feel you need to "measure up" to your bfs previous sexual experience, and I suspect this is creating a lot of stress and tension for you, which, without a doubt, will make it difficult to enjoy sex.

Ruby19

Im 19 nearly 20 and he's about to turn 23.

I suppose i do avoid certain sex related topics but i think it comes not from a lack of trust or closeness between me and my boyfriend but rather from the way ive been brought up, my parents are very very religious and would kick me out if they knew i was having sex and my friends are very prudish and dont talk about relationships or sex at all.

Im not ashamed of the fact that i was a virgin and i dont think my boyfriend would react badly to it but he hates lies and would be very upset that i didnt tell him the truth. Too much time has passed now for me to be able to tell him.

I suppose if i knew if its normal to feel this way or had some way of finding out the right way to do things ie sex and blow jobs esp id feel more confident which would really help things.

think my fear really holds me back

LadyJ

OP, it took me 3 years of having sex before I really started to enjoy it.
I had to spend an awful lot of time masturbating first though!

If you can make yourself orgasm then you'll know how to achieve one with someone else doing the work. Your boyf may know other women's bodies and what they like but he does not know your's so he's clueless as to what you need. All women are different in this respect.

Play with yourself until you orgasm. It may take a lot of tries but eventually you'll get it!
As regards to the pain, maybe he is big and you are shallow..... Lube and care are required.

Also a lot of men like the fact that they're with a virgin....Maybe consider spilling the beans.

AngryBadger

Ruby19 wrote: »

think my fear really holds me back

Probably, but also I wouldn't be too pushed about the fact that you've lied to him about your sexual experience in the past, I'd be more concerned that you're continuing to lie to him about it now. I mean, are you THAT worried he'd break up with you? Because that's not a great reason to continue enduring painful sex.

You should talk to your bf about this. If he's not willing to talk about it, or if he's not willing to do something to make sex more enjoyable for you then I think you should part company.

I'm talking about a break-up because it kind of seems like you're not being honest with him about your sexual experiences (the ones with him I mean), and I can't understand why you would do that unless you were afraid he would break up with you?

Anyway, sorry, I'm not trying to reign on your parade here, you're obviously not comfortable with sex, that's very normal in ireland, most people are extremely uncomfortable with sex. Talk to your boyfriend, as I said before I think your stress and tension about sex are making this difficult, and obviously painful for you, just getting a positive response from him will ease your mind, and between the two of you I'm sure you can work something out

LegacyUser

Sex can be uncomfortable the first few times you do it, its a matter of overcoming fear of the unknown etc. Definately try lube, it will def make process less painful.

If I were you i would admit to your boyf that he was your first, i promise you he will be very understanding and will prob go out of his way to make everything as pleasurable for you as he can. It could end up being a very good experience for both of you. My first boyf was a lot more experienced than i was at the time and i learned lots from him, and he was very willing to teach me!

As regards blowjobs etc, in my experience men like them different ways so why don't you ask him what he likes/doesn't like and take it from there?

Finally don't feel in anyway embarrassed about sex at all, forget about your inhibitions! Its one of the great pleasures of life, and you should enjoy it to the full.

Best of luck with it!

Porkpie

Yeah, I think your bf has a right to know that you were a virgin. If you can't admit this to him, then there's something wrong. If he's any way decent he should understand. Discuss the whole thing with him in detail. He should be patient and considerate with you. If he isn't, he's not worth keeping. You shouldn't be hiding your discomfort from him. Relationships require honesty to thrive. Be honest with him now, apologise that you weren't honest from the outset and vow to remain honest and open about things in the future.

Regarding the BJ's, why not ask him how he likes it? He can show you! It should be fun!

And remember, you don't actually blow, unless you want to inflate him!

biko

Ruby19 wrote: »

I suppose if i knew if its normal to feel this way or had some way of finding out the right way to do things ie sex and blow jobs esp id feel more confident which would really help things.

Google "performing fellatio on a man".
Surf porn and see how the porn stars do it.

seamus

Ruby19 wrote: »

I suppose if i knew if its normal to feel this way or had some way of finding out the right way to do things ie sex and blow jobs esp id feel more confident which would really help things.

As LadyJ points out, most people's bodies are different. There's no "way" to do a blowjob, for example, each man would have his particular preferences.

Be honest, tell him you've never done it before and ask him to tell you when you're doing it right or wrong.

Same goes for everything. If you're not sure how to do it, be honest and ask him for guidance. Similarly, if he's not doing something correctly, guide him towards the correct way (never say, "You're doing it wrong!" )

barbiegirl

Organise a nice meal somewhere and sit down and talk, really talk. Not in bed or anywhere near bed. Explain that you were a virgin, that you are not relaxing enough, really open up. This will help to create the trust in one another needed to help you relax. You're young and it can take a while for a woman to get there. Remember men peak in their late teens, women in their forties, so it's all up hill for you. Trust him, it will only bring you closer.

Ruby19

I know I probably should just tell him but my Boyfriend has serious trust issues (comes from his past...his dad walked out on them when he was small) He really hates lies and I dont want to uspet him.
I enjoy all the foreplay just not the actual sex. apart from this we are the perfect couple

barbiegirl

If he has serious trust issues then now is the time to establish a deeper level of trust. You didn't lie as such. Your virginity is special and as you understand his past he must understand your with your mum and dads issues. Trust includes speaking and understanding. If you can't trust each other with your physical relationship it will bleed into other areas. One of the best places to start the conversation is in the car, in the middle of nowhere where neither one can walk away until the conversation is finished. Getting to the next level in the relationship is always hard but it is so worth it.

Ruby19

thanks BarbieGirl, you're really supportive.
I think i'll just tell him. He's really bad at talking (trust thing again) so maybe ill suggest we go for a drive and try talk then. Think with him being older I have the fear that he'll go find somebody his own age too.

any blow job tips now that people are being so helpful??:D

LadyJ

Ruby19 wrote: »

any blow job tips now that people are being so helpful??:D

I got good at it by reading an FHM article. Try google or FHM online.
Maybe something good there.

No.1 tip though, close your eyes and your gag reflex won't kick in so fast!

seamus

Ruby19 wrote: »

any blow job tips now that people are being so helpful??:D

I have it on good authority that if you don't share a thorough shower beforehand, you'll probably never let it anywhere near your face again

barbiegirl

They all like it different, but think hand firm but not too hard, have fun cause unless you enjoy it it will come across. Think of it the same way you'd suck a calypso ice pop
Plus make sure he returns the compliment.

Toots

seamus wrote: »

I have it on good authority that if you don't share a thorough shower beforehand, you'll probably never let it anywhere near your face again

I second that. Plus a shower together will be a nice way to relax and unwind. Just suck it like you would an ice pop - not too hard tho, and don't use ur teeth under any circumstances (unless he asks). Also, let him know beforehand whether you're ok with him cumming in your mouth so he can give you fair warning. Even if you are ok with it, it can be a bit of a shock the first couple of times so it's nice if he lets you know what stage he's at. Good luck OP, and like BarbieGirl says, make sure he returns the favour.

LegacyUser

I lost my virginity 5 years ago. I've had sex with a number of different men. The first few times it hurt, of course it does. My current boyfriend and I have been together just over a year and I had my first ever orgasm last summer. I'd say at most I've had 10. 70% of women dont come from sex. Tell him you're a virgin, this will help to relax you and bring you closer together. It has nothing to do with your own masturbation. If your body isn't comfortable, it wont enjoy what it's doing. Its that simple. My body wasn't comfortable with any of my other boyfriends and therefore wouldn't let me relax enough to enjoy myself. Not that you know this at the time. You think you love him and there's no one else you'd rather be with. But in your sub-conscience, something is stopping you. And it may be because he's not the right person for you, or that you aren't ready or simply because you do love him, but you're moving to quickly for your sexual maturity. These things take time (as i said, 4 years) and you could have sex with Ron Jeremy himself, if your body is rejecting it, then let it mature or obey your body and wait till you find someone you are comfortable with. Hope it works out for you

carveone

Rattlehead and porkpie had some great advice there. Knowing your own body can help a lot and, if you don't mind me saying so, there are good resources on the web (like here for instance).
That site points out that "Pain or bleeding may well also be because you had sex without being aroused enough to be properly lubricated, or did not use extra lubricant if needed.". Pretty much what's been said here already.

As an aside the site also points out that hymen problems can cause painful and unpleasant intercourse so that might be worth asking your gyno about.

Miss Fluff

Time to go back to basics OP, seems like you are trying top run before you can walk.

a. Start masturbating
b. Tell your BF the truth