Confused and hurt

LegacyUser

Hi Everyone,
Staying unregd for this one. I have suffered from depression for quite sometime, diagnosed with clinical depression, although it is reoccuring. I have seeked all the help I can, and it's sorted out most of the issues I have with my past, which there were quite a few really, everything from a violent home to learning difficulties which still make it difficult for me to express myself in a business enviroment, dispite the fact people think I am very successful, I still can't find any satifaction in my life at all, and I frequently slip back into suicidal tendencies and self harm and frequently run away from my problems, which came to a head today, when I almost uped and left on the Stena Line, just because a friend didn't show up for lunch, and my short term girlfriend (always short terms) wanted a break.

I have identified a few reasons primarily for why I keep lapsing back into these problems, and possible causes, but I really really need someone to kinda I suppose just say that makes sense, because I just don't feel comfortable telling anybody about these things in person, or even over the phone. Any individual therapy courses, books or anything at all (I'll try anything) would be brilliant, I always try to be optimistic in making myself better and making things, although I'm a pesimist at most things in life.

I lost my virginity a bit too young (early mid-teens) to the girl who was undoubtably the love of my life. It's been a long time since then, but I still don't enjoy intimacy with any women half as much as I did with her.

Also although I love public speaking, I really can't take critism in any form, dispite trying to learn to deal with it for years, so much so that it can often make me plumet. More than anything else, it really makes me low. Once when I was criticised for speech I made, I went home and tried to kill myself. I know it sounds extreme but I genuinely cant handle it and never have been able to. Probably back to the fact that my father never particularily praised me at all, and created a hellish enviroment for when I was very young, apparently I was in total fear of being around him.

The same happens with women, I cant handle their criticism at all, and my counceller was never really able to resolve the issue in the slightest, neither was one of my best (and wise-st(?) and training phycologist) friends. I just feel worthless, even the smallest critism, such as my hair being too short after being cut or something like that sparks me off, nevermind the end of relationships which rarely last past a few weeks, which tend to hit as soon as I'm happy with someone new.

But atleast that is better than what happens when I get critised by men and workmates, I literally explode, once I insulted a work colleage so much I made them cry, and when I do that I feel much worse for doing it.

I know its a long post, but I've posted alot on this forum, and have gotten lots of positive feedback for helping people in need, so please any advice is much appreciated, because I'm taking getting over everything in stages, and I think it's about time to get a normal self confidence level in my life, I have self conviction, but very little self confidence.

Thanks in advance,
B

randombar

I don't really know where to start buddy but I know what you mean about the love of your life and not finding anyone else, all I know is it takes time to find someone "better" as in from my experience the next girl you really hit it off with and enjoy the intimate moments with usually you end up loving more than anyone before! All I know is it takes time. She'll come along some day and surprise ya!

As for the other stuff, well even posting here is doing something positive so ya gotta look at it that way!

There's a lot of people that can help even if it's just people on boards!

Dizzyblonde

You sound like a very nice, bright and intelligent guy to me and recognising that you have a problem is a huge step. I'm not a medical person but you mentioned your counsellor and I wonder if you should go back to your GP and ask for a referral to a really good psychiatrist instead? I bet that with the right kind of help you'll get on track, and remember - you're worth it.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this myself. OP, I can kind of relate to some of what you are saying especially with regards to how badly you handle criticism and how a lot of your problems stem from your relationship with your father.

I've realised that I too carry around a mountain of baggage because of my childhood and relationship with my father. I always knew it but never really confronted how much damage it is still doing to me.

In response to your post, I would say you need to try different counsellors. Try http://www.irish-counselling.ie/01 2723427 - they can give you a list of therapists in your area and will ask if it is for anything specific. In your case it seems cognitive behaviour therapy might be effective. But if one doesn't work then don't give up; you might have to try a few before you find one who works for you.

About the love of your life - I used to think like that because like you I avoided emotional intimacy like the plague. I would never date anyone let alone consider a relationship. I closed myself off from everyone and used to make jokes about my independence, not meeting the right one etc when they asked why I was still single. Now I see I was running away from emotional closeness because when you are close to someone then you are vulnerable to being hurt and that is the one thing I've always feared. Deep down I've always craved being accepted and loved.

I used to think my first love was the greatest but now I see that was a rose tinted glasses outlook on it because I had rarely taken the risk since and when I did it didn't work out or develop into love so therefore the first one was the greatest. Now I am with someone fantastic and I can see that the first one wasn't my greatest by a long shot.

I think you know the stage you are at - you want to run away, you are full of rage, you lash out but are over sensitive to criticisim of yourself. You run away from emotional closeness.

You obviously want to do something to help yourself otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
thanks for the quick replies. I'll look into finding a new professional to help. I really hate being depressed, and I get very little symparthy for it which is probably best but really lets me get really down without doing anything about it.

I'll see what I can do about things over the next while.

Thanks again,
b

JuliusCaesar

CBT therapists on Irish Council for Psychotherapy website or babcp.com - Republic of Ireland. Try Overcoming Low Self Esteem, Robinsons publishers which is a CBT book

LegacyUser

Hi everyone again,
Just had to write back to say I'm still alive I suppose. Other than falling out with my dad in the last two weeks beyond realistic resolution I've been ok I guess in general. Ironic twist of faith I suppose I have started feeling real feelings for my ex girlfriend, it seems like maybe she did just want a break because she seems to be willing to help my lick my wounds and puts a bit of spirit into my life when I'm feeling down, she could be my saviour, but I am still up an down every week. I also started volunteering locally and it really seems to give me a sense of family, I never really felt like I had a real family, my dad was mainly absent and not very pleasant, so I guess helping children kinda makes me feel like I'm living my childhood, either way I feel happier for it.

I also bought a few books on depression recently, and watched a copy of Stephen Frys documentary on depression my friend leant me two weeks ago. I know I will need to see someone professional regardless, but I'd just happy to have some "feet" back in my life I suppose. I have been enjoying work more too lately, and people have noted that I'm less angry and more sarcastic.

I'm thinking about maybe taking a year out in a year or two's time and taking up volunteering full time for a while in Africa or something like that, you never know I suppose. Anyway I guess I'll let you know if I need any more advice, and I'll keep helping others on the forum (good hypocracy!)

Thanks everyone :-)