excessiveness in the name of confidence.

LegacyUser

Hello I just stumbled across this website in work.Im looking for some advice and dont feel I really have anyone to talk to so I hope you dont mind me posting in here. I will try and keep this as short as I can.

Basically Im back in work this morning and I am utterly depressed.Over the festive period I have indulgied in mindless binges of drink and drugs and just feel like crap.

But the reason I go on these crazy binges is because..........I know this sounds extremely pathetic....but its because when I go out I have no confidence in approaching woman.
I have a fear which/why I cant quite put my finger on in regards to the opposite sex.

So in order to gain confidence I drink as if the world was going to end.....and when I become so drunk I attempt to talk to a lady but make a show of myself. I often black out and get sick after a night out. Sometimes its a mixture of cocaine and drink which I need to give me the courage to even approach a lady.I am unable to go on a night out with out cocaine now....and every week the amount that I take is growing but the affects are decreassing.

Im not ugly person......girls do fancy me but even then I never seize the situation.....I always want them to ask me for a drink or a meal and they dont like that because they feel that I dont like the.They feel that If I really like them I should be asking them to do these things.But I just cant....I feel as though they dont really like me.Sounds stupid I know.

And its not as if im not a nice guy although you might feel different after reading this I am actually a nice person.

One of my friends goes out every weekend with us but he dosent drink.......he is saving for a house with his girlfriend.

But he does be up dancing away chatting to people having a good time and not really caring about what people think.........and even though he has a girlfriend and he is faithful.....he has no problem chatting to girls and being friendly........even girls approach him! If I was to behave like the way he did I would need to be out of my mind on drink and drugs........and yet there he is having the time of his life sober free!

I wish I could be like that but I cant.

I just have a complete lack of confidence and courage and was just looking on finding a ways of getting what I most desire.

I wish I could go out and not drink and have a ball and talk to girls. You might think im such a loser........and the way I feel today I actually think I am.

Sorry for rambling on......its just that I cant focus and actually get annoyed when thinking about this situation.

Thanks

corcaighcailin9

Here's a bit of female perspective for you : there is no bigger turnoff than being hit on by someone who is out of it to the extent you describe on drink and/or drugs. We as a race are not that scary so don't BS about having to be off your head before you can approach someone.
And we do rather like to be asked out for a drink or a meal. Try and calm down on the Dutch Courage and relax. Ask your buddy for a few tips if think that would help. Forget about the nights out over Christmas; they're over with now.

LegacyUser

fair play on a brutally honest look at yourself.

2nd, don't be overly hard on yourself, the aul crimbo blues hit most people, but I'm sure it's worse after the binge you've described.

If you're serious and not just having a "never drinking again" moment then try cutting out the booze and drugs (obviously) but on building confidence with the ladies, have you any female friends? how are you with ladies in general who you're not trying to chat up?

I'd say talk to a female friend sober, not as an exercise to chat them up, just to feel comfortable talking to someone when you're not drunk/drugged up. Find some good points about yourself, or even ask a friend for some things that are good about you, sounds a bit weird but if it's lack of confidence that's the problem hearing some encouraging statements always helps. Get happy with yourself, and comfortable in your own skin. It's usually the people who aren't who are always locked, high, or trying too hard.

good luck, it's not an overnight change by any means.

Canis Lupus

I wish I could be like that but I cant.

Yeah you can. God knows I'm no expert but if you can live with yourself going out and making an arse of yourself through drink and drugs then you can enjoy making an arse of yourself by just trying to chat "relatively soberly" to de wimmin.

Failing that move into a flatshare with single women and get to know them and their friends.

EDIT for what it's worth it's easier to chat to women when you have a GF cos you tend to be relaxed. There is no need to impress so to speak. Least that's what I find.

Ishindar

there is a difference between confidence and being a drunk blithering idiot.
dont be so hard on yourself, give yourself the credit you deserve in life and good things will follow.

white_falcon

i think everyone has been in this situation at some time in their life. drink and drugs are a short term solution, and in no way solve it it all. live with single girls. get a load of single female friends. talk to women in work. talk to your female friends. throw in a flirt now and again, just messing

both drink and drugs are a short term solution as they temperarily increase your attitude and how you see yourself. on coke, you think you are the sh1t - although i've never done it myself.

you don't need to go out and pretend that you think you're deadly, but you should go out and know what you deserve. you need to make urself angry about your situation. so angry that you get sick of your current attitude and get up and go.

go to a nightclub with a friend totally sober. both of you go sober and have a competition about how many women you can chat up. when its fun like that, you don't care, and if you get a slap in the face, its just funny and you dont look like an idiot cuz its all fun and games between urself and a friend

also, when you stop actually caring it really does work. stop caring and stop trying, and have fun. when you start doing that, you'll find yourself in a totally different situation.

davyjose

Why not, for the next month or so, just forget about chatting women up. Just put the idea out of your head for a month and that way when you go out, it's just to be with your mates. Then you can chill out and actually enjoy it.
You may also be surprised at how it lets you see things from a different angle, and when you do go back to pulling chicks, you'll be a lot cooler.

It's not the be all and end all of your life is it? Chatting up chicks?

qz

I agree with davyjose and funnily enough, you might find you get the most attention from girls when you pay the least! Happened to me once or twice and I can't help but find it funny.

WhiteWashMan

If you talk normally to people, and dont expect much, youd be surprised at the positive reponse you will get back.

Go out like a desperate drunken young fella, and chicks wont want to know you.

People respond to people. Not to drunken idiots.

davyjose

qz wrote: »

you might find you get the most attention from girls when you pay the least! Happened to me once or twice and I can't help but find it funny.

Actually I forgot about this - this is very true. I remember years of toiling away in Nightclubs trying to chat up women, with a very low strike rate. And when I got into a serious relationship for the first time, the next time I walked into a nightclub with my mates, I got chatted up within an hour. Clearly the thick lacquer of desperation was no longer there.

ztoical

davyjose wrote: »

Why not, for the next month or so, just forget about chatting women up. Just put the idea out of your head for a month and that way when you go out, it's just to be with your mates. Then you can chill out and actually enjoy it.
You may also be surprised at how it lets you see things from a different angle, and when you do go back to pulling chicks, you'll be a lot cooler.

It's not the be all and end all of your life is it? Chatting up chicks?

good advice - i always find that when I'm just out with friends, enjoying myself and not thinking about meeting anyone thats when I always do.

UnitedIrishman

I think if you go out on a night out desperately looking to get with someone, then it simply doesn't work.

My advice is, go out with your mates, relax and just enjoy nights out. I guarantee that you'll get more interest from women than if you are drunk and off your head. Don't get wasted because of something like being single.

As for the bit about the friend, speaking from experience (now being single) I can tell ya that it is way easier to talk to girls when you're in a relationship because you're not worried about what to say, because at the end of the day, you have a girlfriend to go home to.

Listen to the advice above like chatting to work mates, colleagues etc. and try and smile. I've been down before, but having the craic with people around me always picks me up big time.