Online Affair

LegacyUser

Where do I start? This has been the worst Christmas I have ever known and trust me, Christmas has always has some bad s hite happen to me over the years but this year took the biscuit.

I live abroad with my Wife and 2 kids. We have been Married for 5 ½ years. First 5 years were very tough to say the least but the last 6 months I thought we were doing great.

Anyway, we had just got back from a 13 hour road trip where we visited my Wife’s family for Christmas. We arrive at the house and I /We are all exhausted. I head up stairs and lay down for about 10 mins. I get up and go back down stairs. I see my wife at the computer all jumpy and acting strange. Did not think anything much about it. She mentions that the bag is still in the car. I go get it and I come back and she is jumpy again at the computer. Red Flags start kicking in big time. I let it go for about 30 mins until we got the kids to bed and she asked me what was wrong.

To make a long story short, she had contact for 3 months with her First Love. She showed me all the emails she sent and he had sent back (After hours of arguing) and I have to say I have never felt more gutted or betrayed in my life. She told him she loved him and he told her the same. They talked a lot of s hit but it was all lovey dovey expressing their feelings for each other. This emails through myspace and she sent them every day for the last 2 weeks, while I was working 10 – 12 hour days to get money for Christmas.

The worst was on Christmas Day, were she went out of her way to get onto a dial up computer in her Grand Mothers to send him a I love you note. I can get over most things but this is killing me.

She explained her reasons of why how this happened and was sincerely apologetic about the whole thing. This guy is in Iraq right now and I do believe they never had any intension of meeting up.

This all happened a week ago and I cannot get over what has happened. I have forgiven her; we have talked and agreed to sort this mess out. I am like a roller coaster of emotions all week. I feel so hurt and betrayed and feel that a wedge has been put in between our marriage. I love this woman more than anything and maybe did not show it as much as I should have done in the past. I do not look at her the same anymore and I am very depressed about the whole thing. If she had of went out and f ucked some stranger it would not hurt as much simply because of what was said between them both. If it was not for the kids I would have left straight away. How do you walk away from your family, especially when your kids and wife are your life? I don’t want to have to do that but I do not know how to help my feelings for depression, loneliness, anger, hurt and betrayal. I have given everything up for my wife including my home country, family & friends. Worked my bollix of to build us a life together and then this happens.

Once minute I am okay, the next I feel like my World has ended. She has promised on the Kids life that it was all just a Fantasy and it will never happen again. I do believe her (I have to) but as I said the hurt and anger I hold right now is something I have never experienced before and I don’t know how to get rid of. I cannot go my life feeling this way, it’s the worst feeling In the world.

Part of me wants to leave her the other part of me says I cannot live without her, and there are the kids! I have spent my whole life giving up for others, putting others ahead of me, thinking of others and always leaving myself last. It nice to be nice is what my parents taught me, I don’t think I know any other way to be. All of my efforts though out life and always left me getting a kick in the face. Before this happened, I could look at my marriage and say at least I have that. A Woman who loves me no matter what and no one else. Now I feel that is gone and things can never be the same again.

Not sure what I expect to get from you guys, but any advice would be nice for a very depressed Irish Man Abroad.

Thank you in advance.

Carrigart Exile

Why should you be leaving your home and your kids, she did wrong, if anyone is to leave its her.

You should tell your wife to send an e-mail to her old flame to say that she will be leaving you and bringing the kids with her and can he advise where they can stay and can he send money to get things sorted. Could he also arrange for a DD into your wife's bank account to meet the housing costs......there's usually nothing like a right good dose of reality and responsibility to bring such fluffy relationships crashing down.

corcaighcailin9

Yeah a dose of reality might be what's called for here OP. It sounds like she was living in cloud cuckoo land, I mean any of us can have perfect relationships if the only means of communication is email and we dont have to live the daily grind etc. What a selfish woman, she doesn't deserve a husband who has given up so much and worked so hard for his family.

padser

HURTING SO BAD wrote: »

We have been Married for 5 ½ years. First 5 years were very tough to say the least

Doesn't sound worth it TBH.

With kids involved I never advocate splitting up physically (I think kids are much better off with a mother and father under the same roof) but emotionally I'd be inclined to break it off.

Dizzyblonde

I feel very sorry for you, your wife has betrayed you and you must be very hurt. If you do believe that it was a fantasy and want to try getting your marriage back on track, I believe the only way you can do it is with outside help. Relationship counselling would be the way to go, in my opinion. Of course she'll have to earn your trust too and this will take some time, but at least if you try to work it out you'll have given it your best shot. And with children in the picture you've got to try.
Good luck.

Ishindar

thats an awefull betrayal OP i feel really bad for u.
u have been grossly taken for granted and cheated on emotionally.
I would suggest that your wife needs to feel and appreciate what u bring to her life properly and needs a cold hard shock. She also needs to work hard at winning u back if thats what she chooses.

I suggest u agree with her that u/her should leave for a significant amount of time so she can experience life without u and all your support both financial and emotional. u will have to be creative in order to make arrangemnts for u/her to see the kids.
At the end of this predetermined time ye should meet up and discuss your feelings and your future together. I think its paramount that she experiences what u bring to her life through your absence from her life.

StandnDeliver

Ultimatum thats what ya need.
i would write her a letter expressing your hurt,thoughts,and what she is messing up.Sometimes having the facts written out for you can get the message across loud and clear.Make points of how she is affecting you and the kids.
Leave her see how cruel she is.

good luck OP

SimpleSam06

There are a lot of things that build up between people in a long term relationship that never get aired. Maybe it might be as well to talk to a marriage counsellor who can, as a third party, get both of you talking and everyone can hear both sides of the story, and I can't emphasise how important that is.

Possibly she feels something is missing in her life, and feels she is "owed" the excitement of an affair, whch boils down to a detachment from reality any way you slice it.

You also need to look realistically at the options. What she has done is a betrayal of your trust, and perhaps she needs to know how seriously you view that, if she doesn't want to go to a counsellor.

Definetely don't let it simmer though, that is the surest way to end it in tears.

BO-JANGLES

Sorry for your troubles OP, but its my opinion that partners have it easy when they fancy an affair. Maybe if you seperate and she is free to do what she wants, maybe she will realise what she had and lost. Anyway best of luck in your future and hope you sort this out....Bo-jangles.

all_smilz

really sorry to hear all this....
whatever u do dont stay together for the sake of children.... speaking as someone who grew up in a really bitter twisted environment, do what u gotta do but dont let any more people be hurt....

and i know its probably so hard to focus on others when ur probably reelin from all of this... but ur kids will need u....

davyjose

Leave her!
This woman does not deserve you, and you do not deserve this. Nor do you deserve the years of torment ahead of you if you stay with her. There can be mitigating circumstances for almost anything -- even (as you said) sleeping with someone else -- but telling someone you love them!!! There is no acceptable excuse for that. Even if she's just an airhead bimbo, to whom the word means nothing, and she just bandies it about, where does that leave you? You still don't want someone who can be so loose with the word. But more likely she just betrayed you horribly. What she did is the ultimate betrayal.
Tell her you acted too rashly when you forgave her (because you almost certainly did), and that deep down you don't forgive her. Because judging by your post, I don't think you have.

Manic Moran

There are those who say it is possible to love more than one person at once. Something you don't mention is if you think your wife still loves you as well. This strikes me as being a rather critical issue. The man in question presumably is based in the UK or US, another country entirely so, as you point out, the chances of anything happening with him are negligible.

I'm going to look on the positive side here: I'm getting the impression that she's honestly answering questions to you, and is willing to work with you to get through this. She showed you the emails, you didn't have to go snooping around the computer to find out the full extent. I may be unable to identify anything more subtle than a brick, but this definitely sounds to me that she feels bad about it, and wants you to help her, or at least not hate her for it. If she didn't care about you, she wouldn't care what you think of her.

Thus, I'm going to put up a contrary viewpoint to the majority here. Now that the problem is in the open, don't do anything rash. No ultimata, no rapid separation. This is an opportunity more than anything else. Consider professional counselling. You're probably going to get more useful answers there than you will from this board. (No offense, boardsies: I'm including myself in this!). It's entirely possible that it would also solve whatever it was that made the previous five years a bit rocky.

that deep down you don't forgive her. Because judging by your post, I don't think you have.

I don't think this is so much an issue of forgiveness, as one of trust, and hope for the future. Both can be resurrected, even if there are still strong doubts today. Why did you post in the first place? Were you looking for reassurance to back up a decision to separate? Or were you looking for something else?

whatever u do dont stay together for the sake of children

Agreed. But don't look at this as a validation to just up and separate either.

Call me an optomist, and I've been known to join in with the "Dump him/her!" crowd before, but I think you may have some hope yet.

davyjose

Manic Moran wrote: »

I don't think this is so much an issue of forgiveness, as one of trust.

Maybe, but he still can't know whether or not he forgives her after a week. There are too many things yet to unfold (in reality and in his head), to be able to genuinely forgive. Trust will be dealt with further down the road.
But I think is key here. I could personally never accept that this had happened, and I could never hold the person and feel anything valid for them after telling someone else they loved them. I could never accept it. I could forgive them, but I could never accept it. Which I guess is similar to lacking trust.

LegacyUser

I'll be damned if another man is kicked out of their home for the wife's issues.

She has done wrong, you have evidence in emails, she won't budge an inch. I am a genuinely nice guy normally, but this sort of carry on gets up my nose entirely.

You need to tell her exactly how you feel, show her the reality of the situation and if she is still obivious, tell her how would she survive with the children without your money and support, some life the children would have in a war torn country with a man she hasn't seen in years, so there's no point of even dreaming of that life, cause it's not going to happen, even in her mind, and if she doesn't snap out of it, her carry on will be noted by more than you (not the children), but trusted friends and family.

I'm rather vicious, but I've been working my way around people for years... like you I've had everything seconded to me, always putting the other person first, however it is important to know when to pounch back when you are being taken advantage of.

Best of luck, after all there is no scedueled service to Iraq from these parts, maybe cut the telephone wires, or tell your telecom provider to cut the internet.

CrazyNoob

I'd be collecting all those emails and I'd be lining up my casein court, to kick her to the curb. (once is enough for me)

It doesnt have to be a physical thing to be an affair, her emotions were clearly elsewhere and looks like a major betrayal in my book

The real question is if you could forgive and trust her and
as to whether she'd betray you again only you can answer.

Beruthiel

HURTING SO BAD wrote: »

Not sure what I expect to get from you guys, but any advice would be nice for a very depressed Irish Man Abroad.

She has betrayed you in the worst possible way.
She has at least been honest about it and told you everything.
You are married with kids, at the very least give it a go and see a professional with her.
It will take time but something tells me that your relationship was missing out on something which resulted in her looking for love elsewhere.
You admit to not telling her how you feel about her, women need that.
I'm not excusing her, she should have come to you if she felt that the love was gone out of it instead of turning to an ex like something out of a Mills & Boon book. She has a lot of making up to do if she wants ye to stay together. You have to decide whither you think your marriage is worth saving.
Despite what some people say here, it's not an easy thing to just throw away a marriage you have invested in. It's gut wrenching and head melting and your decisions change with the wind with regards to what the best thing to do is.
Take some time to come to a decision, don't do anything rash that you may regret later and go talk to a professional asap.
Best of luck.

r3nu4l

Hiya OP, that really is awful for you. Here's the deal, you've both had it tough for the past 5 years of your marriage, that is always going to lead to a wish to 'escape from it all' and for some people this means living in a fantasy land for a while.

You say you've been working hard a lot, long hours and potentially not seeing a lot of your wife. I know from experience that when I've done similar in the past and have felt that this alone shows my devotion to my wife, it simply isn't enough. Women (and men) still need some show of attention and love, simply working every hour you can isn't enough. So when the only thing you want to do is sleep, your wife wants to talk, cuddle, share a bottle of wine with you and watch a movie.

So far as I can tell from your post you've both had a hard time over 5 years and have become a bit distant but tried to work your way back together and for 6 months things improved...then you were absent and your wife probably felt alone. She does have to take a large part of the blame, I'm not excusing her but it can help if you know where this came from. She is at fault for not talking with you. Maybe she was afraid to say anything, maybe she didn't want to get into arguments when things between you had been looking up and maybe she knew in her heart that while all of this secret emailing was going on, she was safe in the knowledge that it wouldn't lead to anything physical.

That still doesn't help you get over it or stop you feeling betrayed. The only thing you can do now is to talk about the reasons why she felt the need to do that...not why she talked to him specifically but what was wrong that she needed to look for "love" and solace outside of your relationship. It's going to be hard not to blow your top and rant and rave but do try not to. Try listening but before you do, explain that you're not looking for a fight or a blame game and that you really do want to fix things because you love her. Try and find out how she feels and if there is a way to improve things. If she thinks things can't be improved then just both agree to give things some time and effort and hopefully you will get on okay. If she thinks things can be improved, then discuss how and work towards that together. However, she must play her part and she must agree to stop contact with this guy.

estar

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

Why should you be leaving your home and your kids, she did wrong, if anyone is to leave its her.

You should tell your wife to send an e-mail to her old flame to say that she will be leaving you and bringing the kids with her and can he advise where they can stay and can he send money to get things sorted. Could he also arrange for a DD into your wife's bank account to meet the housing costs......there's usually nothing like a right good dose of reality and responsibility to bring such fluffy relationships crashing down.

of course you are angry. although the above might be gratifying for a moment
it doesnt really answer your problem. and it is realistic. from reading what you said some things struck me.
- your wife sounds lonely like she wants to escape. perhaps not from her
marraige. but from the reality around her. this man offered that. emailing someone is not real. it might hurt, and it might be a betrayal of sorts, but it
is still virtual. to me, it smacks more of a woman seeking an escape from
loneliness or boredom.

there is no point in you saying you forgive her just to hold the marraige together. there is no such thing as a one sided marraige problem of this kind. it usually arises from a disconnection, a lack of communication which allows another person into the marraige. what the reason for this is I cannot say.
i am not saying that what she did wasnt wrong. i am not saying that you
arent entitled to your feelings. but to try and fix it thats how you are going to have to see it, if not now then when you have calmed down a little.

you must seek marraige counselling for this and address it honestly and decide what is best for you both and most importantly the children.

you cannot lock these emotions away, they are not going to go anywhere.
you and your wife must sit down and work out what when wrong and where
and if it can be fixed.