Confess all?!

ems_12

Hi guys, just wondering what people's opinions are on this:

If you are in a long term relationship, and basically dirt comes up about your/their past (I'm talking about past while in the relationship, not beforehand), what would you do? I'm all for confessing everything, and then allow the other half to weigh it all up and decide where to go from there?
Or do you just tell as much as you think they know, and keep the rest to yourself?

btw, I'm a newbie but have been reading boards for a while. Hi

biko

Are you having a issue with this or just curious?

Slow Motion

ems_12 wrote: »

Hi guys, just wondering what people's opinions are on this:

If you are in a long term relationship, and basically dirt comes up about your/their past (I'm talking about past while in the relationship, not beforehand), what would you do? I'm all for confessing everything, and then allow the other half to weigh it all up and decide where to go from there?
Or do you just tell as much as you think they know, and keep the rest to yourself?

btw, I'm a newbie but have been reading boards for a while. Hi

Hi, as this isn't actually a PI, you might be better off asking this in AH!

RobbieTheRobber

The past the past stop living in the past!

ems_12

AH? After hours? Should I move it?

It's *sorta* a personal issue. To be honest I started typing my personal issue but wanted it more generic.

My personal issue - ages ago found dirt on my ex, basically txts on his fone to and from exes, sexy and saucy ones! We got through it but my trust is a bit wobbly so some days I get suspicious etc. He's a huge flirt to any girl he meets but this is part of his personality. BUT I've just found more bad stuff - I'm not talking about an 'x' in a txt or anything, its a girl saying "hope the night we had didn't mess things up.. too much alcohol....I'm not used to doing silly things....u r..naughty!"
Argh this is why I didn't type my personal issue because reading through that it just looks plain and simple that I'm being used. The thing is, this is from before we patched things up, and we decided to make a new start, clean sheet and all of that - but he didn't fess up about this one?!

ems_12

ems_12 wrote: »

Hi guys, just wondering what people's opinions are on this:

If you are in a long term relationship, and basically dirt comes up about your/their past (I'm talking about past while in the relationship, not beforehand), what would you do? I'm all for confessing everything, and then allow the other half to weigh it all up and decide where to go from there?
Or do you just tell as much as you think they know, and keep the rest to yourself?

btw, I'm a newbie but have been reading boards for a while. Hi

I think you need to tell him/her. My best mate cheated on his mrs when they were together two months and she never found out. It wasn't just a one night thing but happened for like 2 weeks. The girl he was with was a former friend & there is always the chance of it all coming out. It has my mate paranoid all the time so I think its always better to not have any skeletons!

ems_12

I agree with Robbie, shouldn't live in the past but my trust isn't always on a high.
Thanks KaG1888, the problem is he is adamant that he told me everything but now I know he didn't. Start up the same old arguement?

O sorry, I fukd up the context but you catch my drift. Mmm, yeah you need to find out everything. It'll ruin your relationship otherwise.

Regards,
Dr Phil

RobbieTheRobber

ems_12 wrote: »

I agree with Robbie, shouldn't live in the past but my trust isn't always on a high.
Thanks KaG1888, the problem is he is adamant that he told me everything but now I know he didn't. Start up the same old arguement?

If your happy let it go no good will come of this if you bring it up he will only respond defensively and deny it.

And mods maybe this should go back to PI
before its gets AH'd

daveharnett

I'm confused.

ems_12 wrote: »

found dirt on my ex... We got through it but my trust is a bit wobbly

Is he your ex or no?

Karoma

Moved from AH - OP wants to discuss a personal issue as well as/more than the hypothetical thing...

ems_12

daveharnett wrote: »

I'm confused.


Is he your ex or no?

Oh balls :eek:. He's my bf......freudian slip due to the nature of what I'm talking about??

corcaighcailin9

Hey ems, that sounds like a bit of a crappy dilemma you're faced with. If it's bothering you maybe you should talk to him and clear the air, one way or another but be prepared to hear the worst. People don't have to break up cos one of them cheated, some can work through it and come out stronger than before. People make mistakes and do stupid things especially after drink. Only you know if you can forgive and forget and ultimately move on. Good luck.

LegacyUser

ems_12 wrote: »

Hi guys, just wondering what people's opinions are on this:

If you are in a long term relationship, and basically dirt comes up about your/their past (I'm talking about past while in the relationship, not beforehand), what would you do? I'm all for confessing everything, and then allow the other half to weigh it all up and decide where to go from there?
Or do you just tell as much as you think they know, and keep the rest to yourself?

btw, I'm a newbie but have been reading boards for a while. Hi

Its so weird this is posted as i had this deliema on new years, i had an affair on my fiance and i got drunk new years eve and told him, and yes i know im a selfish bitch.But im glad i told him he deserves someone better than me

Long story short he said he kind of knew and that there was no problem we couldnt get past.He took some of the blame(him going off sex, refusing to talk about problems ect) and we both talked it out and decided new year new start, and if either of us have a problem we talk about it and dont bottle it up, and im going to give up the drink for a few months as i feel it brings out a bad side to my personality

So telling the truth has helped my relationship a great deal- so i say go for it

tritium

ems_12 wrote: »

AH? After hours? Should I move it?

ages ago found dirt on my ex, basically txts on his fone to and from exes, sexy and saucy ones! We got through it but my trust is a bit wobbly so some days I get suspicious etc.

Well OP, sounds like you might have had reason to be mistrusting

ems_12 wrote: »

He's a huge flirt to any girl he meets but this is part of his personality. BUT I've just found more bad stuff - I'm not talking about an 'x' in a txt or anything, its a girl saying "hope the night we had didn't mess things up.. too much alcohol....I'm not used to doing silly things....u r..naughty!"

and sounds like you do again......

ems_12 wrote: »

Argh this is why I didn't type my personal issue because reading through that it just looks plain and simple that I'm being used.

Sounds about right

ems_12 wrote: »

The thing is, this is from before we patched things up, and we decided to make a new start, clean sheet and all of that - but he didn't fess up about this one?!

I'm assuming that this text is more recent then the other ones OP. If so then it sounds like the old story about leopards and spots My 2 cents is that if I was in your situation I'd be A LOT less passive - I'd tear his head off (metaphorically!) to get at the truth.

Besides that, if you're checking texts on his phone it sounds like you don't actually trust him, so I have to ask why you're still in a relationship with him. Are you content to be a doormat?

In my experience OP (and I'm sure others will disagree here), cheaters don't usually just do it the once, that just tends to be part of the excuse when they get caught.

My advice is simple. Confront him, give him 5 minutes to come up with a damn good explanation, and if everything doesn't fit perfectly, dump his ass. If you don't I've a feeling we'll be seeing you ask the same question about the same guy on these boards down the line.

davyjose

ems_12 wrote: »

Hi guys, just wondering what people's opinions are on this:

If you are in a long term relationship, and basically dirt comes up about your/their past (I'm talking about past while in the relationship, not beforehand), what would you do? I'm all for confessing everything, and then allow the other half to weigh it all up and decide where to go from there?
Or do you just tell as much as you think they know, and keep the rest to yourself?

btw, I'm a newbie but have been reading boards for a while. Hi

Yes but the critical thing is he didn't 'fess up. You caught him. So you can only presume he would continually do this behind your back.

Dump him. I'm sorry, but too many people here are being stuck with people that are beneath them. There are a lot of people out there who aren't cheating scumbags, and you'll find one. Could you imagine being stuck with this person for life? He'd ruin your life.

Son_of_Belial

Honesty's generally the best policy unfortunately

Carrigart Exile

ems_12 wrote: »

AH? After hours? Should I move it?

It's *sorta* a personal issue. To be honest I started typing my personal issue but wanted it more generic.

My personal issue - ages ago found dirt on my ex, basically txts on his fone to and from exes, sexy and saucy ones! We got through it but my trust is a bit wobbly so some days I get suspicious etc. He's a huge flirt to any girl he meets but this is part of his personality. BUT I've just found more bad stuff - I'm not talking about an 'x' in a txt or anything, its a girl saying "hope the night we had didn't mess things up.. too much alcohol....I'm not used to doing silly things....u r..naughty!"
Argh this is why I didn't type my personal issue because reading through that it just looks plain and simple that I'm being used. The thing is, this is from before we patched things up, and we decided to make a new start, clean sheet and all of that - but he didn't fess up about this one?!

You only have a text to go on from a time before you drew a line in the sand, and to compound it, you clearly only found this after trawling through his personal texts. I would say nothing and accept the nagging doubts and pain as punishment for your jealousy and mistrust

tallaghtoutlaws

EMS 12 I would confront him and ask him first before deciding.

With my missus for 7 years 1 year married now seperated. She like you found txts on my phone and emails after trawling through them and rather look for an explanation opened fire and now we aint together no more. I had good friends before her and like your partner am quite flirtacious. My mistake not telling the missus of these friends to begin with as she claimed i slept with one and continuing to the dirt with another. Turns out im not the one message she did find was to a girl who is getting married and my missus caught the wrong end of messages to this girl. Now I cant really speak for your other half as in my case I wasnt doing the dirt I lacked honesty in the sense that women and im not generalising just from experience in ireland tend to have trust issues and jump the gun. If he was cheating well its up to you to decide.

ems_12

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Honesty's generally the best policy unfortunately

Just if any of ye were wondering how this went down;

we had it all out, he explained some stuff, I apologised for being distrustful and going through his stuff, he apologised for some of his ways that make me a little uneasy with self confidence etc.

Solution; I'm taking some time out to sort out my confidence, as his flirty/chatty ways etc didn't bother me at all before the first big fight. So once I feel I'm in my good place again, he's bringing me out for a romantic date.

At least that's how its supposed to happen. I'm optimistic cos I want this to work, here's hoping! Thanks for all your help, it just pushed me to action instead of sulking away with my thoughts