Not sure what to do (seeing a woman with a child)

jesus smith

Ok gotta bit of a problem, basically I’ve met this girl, we’ve really hit it off, only problem is she lives at the opposite end of the country, she has a kid and an angry violent Ex.
Now the kid isn’t the type of thing to bother me, I don’t really like the idea of holding something like that as a reason to not be with someone. And her ex is an asshole who slapped her around but I can handle myself fairly well so he doesn’t really bother me either. The distance thing doesn’t even bother me that much.
The problems basically started cropping up when I came home over the X-Mas and got talking to my Ma about it. Now she’s saying that I’m breaking up a family if I get involved (They broke up several months ago and where together about 2 years, she has no intention of taking him back after he hit her) and that if I go up he’s going to get me beaten to a pulp or shot by the IRA or some other ridicules ****.
Also my Da started weighing in then saying that women with children are always going to be on the look out for someone to look after them, and not too get suckered into raising someone else’s kid.
This is all driving me mad, I mean we’ve known each other 3 years and got back talking over the net a few months back because we’d both just gotten out of long term relationships and then decided recently to go on a date(which was planned for next week) but now my “date” has turned into me being knee capped and having to support a single mother.
On one hand I think they can go and ****e and mind their own business but on the other hand what if they’re right? I mean were both still reasonably young (I’m 24 she’s 21) so I don’t think she’s looking for a husband and I think it’s unfair to assume she’s some blood sucking cow plotting and scheming, from what I can tell she’s just a normal 21 year old who wants to have fun with her friends. I mean it’s a messy situation that she got pregnant so early in life but I’m not going to hold that against her. But then there is the issue of her ex who is a violent asshole and is NOT going to take the news that she’s seeing someone else well at all.
I’m wondering whether or not to start this ‘cos I thought it would be grand but now I’m not so sure, I mean if it develops into something I could wind up in a very messy situation.

Victor

Do I have it right that you haven't had a proper first date yet?

jesus smith

No! this is the whole thing, I just wanted to go for a nice date get to know her a bit better. we've both admitted we like each other but because of the distance issue we haven't been able to meet up so we spend a lot of time on the phone etc. I know her about 3 years but this is the first time we've both been single since we met.
truth be told I couldn't believe my luck when she said she liked me, we've pretty much everything in common and shes unbelievably attractive.
it kinda started out as we where gonna go on a date as neither of us had been on one since getting out of the last major relationships, it was more so a joke but then we admited we actually liked each other.
I know it sounds silly to be getting bent out of shape so quick. I was grand about this before my folks started getting at me.
As I said I know it's very early to be getting freaked out but I was wondering if anyone else has had an experience like this and how did it go? I'm freaked that it could get very out of hand with regards if her ex starts causing lots of trouble and also if we actually really like each other.

Victor

I think go and have the date and enjoy yourselves. Sure ye mightn't even like eash other. I hope ye do, but you are building all this into too much.

In a first date, all you should really expect is that ye get on for the date and have polite conversation. Anything extra is a bonus.

channaigh

how about speak to her before your date you've known her 3 years

jesus smith

Yeah I just don't know how to say "is your ex going to have me shot and are you kinda half hoping I'll be more then just a boyfriend" without it sounding insulting. I seriously doubt she is doing either from what I know of her but my bloody folks have really put the ****s up me.
I feel like a dick for even thinking things like that, but my parents have an uncanny ability to be spot on about things like this...

jawlie

I'm not sure what advice you are looking for from a website such as this? I mean, do you really mean it that you really like this girl, but your mother may be right and you shouldn't see her? Or that her ex boyfriend may not like you so you shouldn't see her?

jesus smith

Advice wise I'd like to hear from people who've been in relationships with women with kids, how'd it go etc. and if anyone has an idea on the situation I'd like to hear em, Like am I over reacting, is it a bad idea to start something if I think theres a chance it could wind up in a mess etc

milli

jesus smith wrote: »

Advice wise I'd like to hear from people who've been in relationships with women with kids, how'd it go etc. and if anyone has an idea on the situation I'd like to hear em, Like am I over reacting, is it a bad idea to start something if I think theres a chance it could wind up in a mess etc

Can't speak from personal experience but from family members in similar situations to you, they went ahead and got involved with women with kids and 10/15years later they're as happy as they could be. I think it'd be a shame not to at least give her a chance, really sounds like you like her a lot.

biko

Start dating but take things very slow. You don't want to be caught in the middle in case she takes him back.

jesus smith

Hrmmm good advice keep it coming! and yes I do think I like her quite a bit

sunnyjim

If she's 21 and has a kid, I'd be rather curious if she didn't want a husband.

If she doesn't, that might mean she wants to lead the responsibility free life that most 21 year olds have... And thats not good if she has a child to look after.

Steer clear OP. Baggage never works out.

Riesen_Meal

Entirely disagree with the above post, of course it can work out, sure ya know each other years aswell, I was in quite a similar experience myself recently that didnt work out, at least I tried, but I had a violent ex coke dealin psychopath follow me and her around, after a while I just didnt give a ****!

Best of luck OP

cunnins4

ah go for it man. Enjoy the date. See what happens. It's only a date.

Mighty_Mouse

As per name looks like yer a martyr type!
Realistically, big-picture, longer-term....................If ya havent invested any feelings in the relationship why not choose an easier life in terms of what girl you date?
ie. operating a little quality control when in comes to who you fall in love with.

But anyways, looks like yer reading waaay to deep into it.
The girl might just want a date to feel normal for a night.
ie. she could send you packing after a date or two regardless of how many ridicolous steps in advance you've thought this out.

Beruthiel

I had a daughter when I first met my partner. We've been together 8 years now. It never bothered him.
I took the relationship slow and was careful that she did not get involved with him for nearly a year. No point getting a child attached to someone who may not be around. Once you are aware of that, go for it.

padser

jesus smith wrote: »

from what I can tell she’s just a normal 21 year old

Except she is not a normal 21 yr old. She has a kid.

Parents can often have more sense then we give them credit for. They have been around a lot longer then us - and have a lot more experience. Sometimes they go OTT but often there is some wisdom in what a lot of them say. Your dad makes a pretty good point IMO - do you want to be stuck raising someone elses child?

Look at this from her point of view - she doesn't have the carefree, fun loving life that a normal 21 yr old has. Even look at Beruthiel's comment. She took it 'slow' and yet her partner was involved in the childs life within a year. Do you want to be raising this Ex's kid next christmas? If that's fine with you - then go for it. But if you decide you don't want this then why bother starting a relationship that can't go anywhere?

We can choose what relationships we get into - do you want to get into one with that kind of baggage attached???

Dr_Teeth

Dude, I'm quite sure you can do better. Find a nice girl that lives nearby!

d2b

I'm with Dr. Teeth on this one. There's plenty of fish in the sea and all that, go find one closer to home with less strings attached.

And that's not just an arbitrary statement, I'll bet my right arm you are only scratching the surface in terms of the so-called 'baggage' she has got going on in her life. It may be best for both of you to keep it on a friendship basis,as in, it probably would. In these situations of 'the heart says yes but the head says no' go with the head dude.

muppetkiller

I'd be more concerned about the fact that she lives on the other side of the country than anything else. Reason being is she has a kid ..She can't just uproot the child from Schools and the father easily. So you're the one doing the moving.

I'm actually going on a date this weekend with a girl who has a 9 yr old kid.
The thing that freaks me out is the age of the kid not that fact that she has one. 9 years of age is a funny age for a guy to come in a be Mr Dad.
I'm 30 so it doesn't bother me as much as it should bother you though..
Remember if you end up in a relationship long term now that you'll be going on holidays as a family , no coming in to the house at funny hours hammered.....no long term travel plans etc...you'll need to grow up fast. But that's not to say it's not going to be worth it

spinandscribble

go on the date. if it works out set ground rules ie. no playground trips with the kid. theres no point messing the kid around emotionally.

j0e

21 has a kid at the other end of the country, your 24 in the prime of your life id say forget about it i'm almost 23 and can not see myself playing happy familys for a VERY long time soon. id say keep her as the friend option if you want but its always going to be hassle and you will always be number 2 and the ex is a woman beater. bottom line ur 24 not 44

JackieChan

What would bother me the most is that the kids father is such an as*hole and he'd be involved in your lives to some degree.
Personally, I'd go on the date and see how things went. There a number of things going against this working out but if it does work out it could be magic!

jesus smith

Hrmmm all good points
hey thydydal just out of curiosity, when you met him first, was the fact you had a child something that was on your mind with regards seeing him initially? like did you just want to hang out with a guy you liked or where yu kind of eyeing him up as a potential long term partner?

JuliusCaesar

padser wrote: »

She took it 'slow' and yet her partner was involved in the childs life within a year.

I think a year is enough time to know whether you want to get involved with someone and take on being part of a child's life!

Muppetkiller........"no coming home hammered" - do you seriously think most Irish parents have a personality transplant on becoming parents!!!!

The main thing is take it *slowly*

She may or may not want a 'meal ticket'; she may or may not want you to be this 'meal ticket'.

Your parents are looking at the worst-case scenario. My ex's parents are convinced that I stole his sperm to get deliberately pregnant. It suits them to belive this (and him too! ).