Very Unhappy marriage - what to do

Irishmanabroad

Myself and the wife got married and moved to the states just over 2 years ago. I always got on well with her parents until now. We lived with them for 6 months whilst i was getting my greencard. Once i started working, From the getgo they (especially her mom) wanted us to live close to them, even for a while she suggested an inlaw appartment. Now dont me wrong i like my wifes parents but they are controlling and negative. I comprimised with my wife and moved to a town close enough to them.

I moved over here to start a new life, yet we live in a place i have now come to dispise. I commute 4 hours daily to work. I am beginning to hate my life over here.The money is good but the quality of like sucks.

I long for the day to move back to Ireland. I miss my family and friends and the life we once had back home. Everything was easier and cheaper too. Irish people are illadvised when they think that living here is cheaper. I suppose its my fault. Even though my wife was homesick i was the one that supported the move. I moved over for the wrong reasons. I moved over here to prove my family wrong, to make them proud and make them notice me for a change. Well 2 years have gone by and things have changed. I now have a great relationship with the majority of my family.

I have tried to approach the subject to my wife but she quickly changes the topic. I have a feeling that she is quite happy to live near her parents, her mom calls 5 times a day for example on most days. If her mom is over and i dont make a big effort toward her her mom thinks i hate her. Its pretty petty. My relationship with my wife has changed since we moved over too. My wife is getting more like her mom and not the carefree independent woman whom i met in dublin 4 years ago. I see my wifes parents and they argue all the time, slowly we are turning into them. Her mom is the control freak whilst her dad is the laid back soul whom i like alot.

I love my wife very much but we need to change direction otherwise we will end up like her parents. We had a baby a few months ago and things are very tough both financially and emotionally.

I dont know if moving back home is the answer but i do know that we have to get away from her mom. With her mom been so involved it is wrecking our marriage, the majority of our fights are over her interfering. Her mom overreacts so if i suggest something she thinks the exact oposite and thinks i hate her.

In an ideal world we would move back in the next few months but i dont think my wifes heart is in moving back. Everytime i suggest the subject she brushes me off with yet another goal that i have to reach before she decides to move back.

I want to make my marriage work especially now that we have a new baby. Our baby is the most precious thing on this earth and i want to make things right. I dont know what to do. All i know is that things have to change. I have given the states a go but things havent worked out,maybe things would have been different if we had moved to a different region.

The Sweeper

Ugh - I feel for you, I really do. I'm in Australia and in April 2008 I'll be living with my mum in law for one year. My husband and I are buildling our own house and it won't be ready until maybe August or September 2008 - so I've quite a while to go here. Initially, living here, I was up the walls and utterly miserable. My mother in law and I both had some set ideas about how things would be. Those ideas clashed. The biggest problem was my work - I worked at home, and my MIL didn't want me to use the spare room for my desk, so she got me to move into the same office that she's in, so she literally sat about six feet away from me, day in, day out, in the same house we both lived in.

By August 07, I was murderous. We were just too close together and she just had too much input into my day. In September, through the intervention of my husband, I relocated my desk to the spare room and honestly, you wouldn't believe the difference it made.

When dealing with your in-laws, boundaries are of the essence. See, your in-laws see you as a surrogate child so believe they can speak to you any way they please and offer you 'constructive opinions' on things. However they forget that you will ALWAYS see them as in-laws, not surrogate parents, so if you're like me you find yourself holding your tongue most of the time, until you're ready to explode.

There have to be boundaries, and there has to be personal space. Without those things, you'll end up feeling the way you do - miserable. It is possible to live close to your in-laws without experiencing hell on earth, provided you do have personal boundaries. When things are right 80% of the time with the in-laws, you can cope with the 20% of the time when they drive you bananas.

To achieve happiness with the in-laws, however, your partner and you have to be on the same page. Whatever about you against them, you'll lose every time if it's you against them AND THEIR CHILD.

Think about it with your own new baby - wouldn't you put your child first and foremost above all other considerations? That's what they're doing with their child (notwithstanding the fact that it does sound like your MIL is a manipulative creature at best).

Trust me, proximity to in-laws does not necessarily provide kill or cure. If you have appropriate boundaries and personal space, you could live next door and feel fine. If not, moving back to Ireland will cure nothing.

The first thing you need to do is get your wife on your side. Explain how you feel and try and see if you and she can reach a compromise on your work/life balance. You need to lessen your commute for starters - less time commuting will change the face of your entire life. Then you need to set boundaries on the influence of your in-laws - and only you can decide what you want those boundaries to be. You don't really have a right to tell your wife when she can and cannot talk to her parents, but you do have a right to say you'd like it if she and you could make a choice on something in your lives independently of their influence and input.

Basically you don't need to "get away" from your mother in law. You just need to learn to get along with her, and if that means taking her to task on her whole "he hates me" act, then you may have to take a deep breath and do that, in a reasonable, non-confrontational manner. It won't be easy, but trust me, family support is useful when you have small children and you DO have the power to set the rules yourself.

Victor

It sounds like life is catching up with you. Marriage, move, new job, less family support, baby. Sounds like you need a break.

Decide what is important in life, make some space for yourself. I suspect thats your wife and your baby. Try to find a job that doesn't have such a commute and get some quality time with them. Think about a holiday.

However, moving from one country to another will probably only change the list of problems and not solve any of them. You might also look into ways of being assertive to the mother in law. Respect her, but she must respect you also.

Carrigart Exile

I work for an organisation that has lots of offices overseas; yours, mother in law aside, is a very common reaction. There seems to be a 'holiday' period where the new country is great and everything wonderful and then almost everyone hits a 'hate it' stage and wants home. From experience, if you can get through that everything is usually fine and you settle down; this time of year doesn't help.

Your problem with your mother in law is a tricky one, but rather than arguing with your wofe, could you have a word with dad in law, ask him if he can calm his wife down a little and give you some space to develop as your own family.

Dizzyblonde

I think that before making the huge move back here (which you might regret since your wife's not keen), you should try moving away from your mother-in-law.
At the very least you need to sit down with your wife and talk abut her mother's interfering. That woman's like a third person in your marriage and that's not good.
It sounds as though your wife depends on her mother way too much too.
Good luck

6th

Go talk to your father -in-law and tell him how you feel.

r3nu4l

Moving home is simply avoiding the real issue or trying to remove yourself from the issue without having to raise it with your wife.

You need to talk with your wife. Explain that you realise that it's great for her having her mother nearby but that you feel that her mother is too involved in your relationship and that there has to be boundaries.

I got married last July, from that moment on my wife and I became a new family unit of our own.

It sounds as though your MIL still holds a big influence over her daughter but your wife needs to understand that she is now her own person with her own family and is now a mother herself and that her primary responsibilities in life are with you and your child just as yours are with her and your child.

Talk with your wife first, discuss it calmly, explaining your worries and frustrations. Don't dive in on a rant or wait until you are ready to explode

Ruu_Old

Having lived with inlaws for about a year, I can understand where you are coming from. The MIL was around us often and went nearly everywhere with us (shopping, films, etc). She didn't mean any harm but I had a word with my wife and she understood. After that I felt that we had become our own family unit as r3nu4l says. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

Irishmanabroad wrote: »

i do know that we have to get away from her mom. With her mom been so involved it is wrecking our marriage, the majority of our fights are over her interfering.

I want to make my marriage work especially now that we have a new baby. Our baby is the most precious thing on this earth and i want to make things right. I dont know what to do. All i know is that things have to change.

Tell your wife this immediately. She needs to know the depth of your feelings.

maybe things would have been different if we had moved to a different region.

Perhaps this would be a step that would help the both of you to be happier. You'd be away from the MIL and she would still be in her home country.

mickd

All the advice here is well meaning but your wife needs to know that you married her not her mother and unwarranted interference in a marriage by in laws can undermine it. Primarily the responsibility for sorting this out lies with your wife as its her environment family, location, background where this situation has developed. Your family unit (i.e yourself, wife and child) is the number one priority here. Everything and everyone else is subordinate to that

Irishmanabroad

I do think that her MIL is the root of the problems between us. I know she means no harm and is just looking out for us. Take for example last year when we were going to first move out, we found a great condo only 30 minutes from where i work via train. The mortgage payment was less than what we are paying now for our current place. We both loved the place and got the wheels in motion. But once we told her parents they flipped out reducing her to tears. I was fit to lash out but in respect to my wife i didnt. Now a year later the same condo is 80k more expensive. My MIL has a knack of getting to my wife emotionally. Same deal when we were looking for a car, holiday etc even when my wife was first looking for a job.Her mom always interferes. My wife's sister stands up to her mom if she tries to interfere. I just wish my wife would do so.

Moving to another region is not really an option. The MIL minds the baby 2 days a week and has indirectly told my wife that if we moved too far away she couldnt babysit for us. Also We bought a house as an investment in ireland just over 2 and a half years ago. We put the house up for sale in june of last year, no real bites then the housing market collapsed. We cannot afford to be paying for 2 mortgages any much longer so unless our house magically sells in the next 6 months then we will be moving back. My mom has already said that she would look after the baby for 2 days a week as my wife works part time. I have not told my wife though, i am just looking at all angles here.

With the baby now i want to give her the best possible life. We get feck all for having a child here. Family health insurance premiums are crazy here even with help from your job. I have loads of family at home. I would be on the plane tomorrow if i could but we have to sort out things first. I really do love my wife and it feels like i am the third person in my wifes like right now after her parents. My wife has admitted to such when i told her how i felt.

Thank you for all your advice so far. Keep it commin

estar

it sounds like you have every stressor on the most stressful list!!
that would be enough to make anyone lose sight of what to do
or where to start.

seriously. parents shouldnt really feature that highly in the daily
lives of a young married couple. it is begging for problems. parents
are there for support and advice when asked after the age of 21-23
when children normally become self sufficient. they are not there
to decide how where you live, how you live, and when you do things.
when your wife was at home how was she treated by your parents.
did they sit between ye on the couch holding ye're hands. probably
not.

the mother in law is a tricky one. but it can be solved. basically she
sounds like a bit of a maniuplator. and the only way is for you and
your wife to face her calmly as a UNIT.

marraige is a commitment to a person. you put that person first
from then on. that doesnt mean cutting people out, but it
does mean creating an independant unit that is self sufficient.

sit your wife down and clearly state how you are feeling and
the depth of your stress. tell her you commited to her in marraige
and she did to you, and that now its time you put your marraige
first.

that means your wife should tell the mother to back off and you come first
now, although she still loves and respects her and needs her in her life.
the mother in law will probably throw a small fit. every bully does when
faced with change. but if you both show a solid and consistant and calm
approach, she will be forced to accept the change if she wishes to
play a part in your lives.

keep the channel open with the dad in law if you can. explain how you feel
to him if you can, after clearing it with the wife.

don't let this go on any longer. stay calm when approaching the subject, but
be firm.