It's finished

LegacyUser

Just literally broke up with the bf after speding 4.5yrs together and I am in bits. I know it hasnt really hit me yet but that is the part I am dreading.

It literally came out of the blue and if I let myself think about it properly i have nothing left to live for.

i have feck all friends, i have to ask can I go back and live with my parents. I am 28yrs by the way, should have my own place by now but for the past 2.5yrs been living with the bf. We were engaged.

Dreading asking my mam can I move back home. I have feck all money to my name and I have a good job but pay is not the greatest.

i am dreading waking up tomorrow to get that sinking feeling and realise that my world just fell apart.

How do people get on with their lives after a break up? I see people who have been with their partners for years and then break up but on the outside it doesnt look like it affects them much. I want to be one of those people.

How do I cope?

NADA

Hey! I broke up with my girlfriend of two years in September. I was pretty cut up about the whole thing like yourself! Didn't wanna get up in the morning or do anything! And everybody was telling me there were plenty more fish in the sea and I didn't wanna hear it or believe it because I was mad about this girl! I was mad to get back with her(although that was very naive of me as she cheated on me). Then I met another girl. I'm seeing her from time to time. All I can say is there is nothing to get you over the last partner like the next one! The girl I'm seeing now is far more suitable to be honest! Shes nothing like my ex. Which is weird how I was attracted to two completely different people!

Overheal

OP, the ones that look like they can handle it on the outside are the ones that hurt the most inside. Dont become one of those people. Let it out.

Manic Moran

I broke up with my GF of some five years many moons ago. Wasn't even any disconnect between us, I just moved to another country.

I'm now happily married to another lass. Just bear in mind that there are going to be other lads out there, you'll find them.

NTM

rondeco

Let your emotions run through you for a few days. Dont fight it. Let them flow. They say the darkest hour is right before the dawn.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.

I have to begin packing up my stuff now. Go through every room, and put it all in a black bin bag...

It's new years day and I am miserable. I really hope the rest of the year is better than this.

My ex partner was always on my mind, I was constantly thinking about him, how do I go from constantly thinking of him to not thinking about him at all? I dont want to be reminded about all the times we had, or places we visited..

I am starting back in work tomorrow and I know I will be in bits there too...

Please any advice??

McGinty

Hi Op

The only advice I can give you is to go with the pain, when you want to cry, cry because the more you try to hide away from it through other means, the more the pain is prolonged, I was forever running away from painful issues until they all caught up and smacked me in the face big time. Time really is the only healer, its a cliche but true. At first you will obsess about your ex-partner but over time he will start to fade away, and personally what I would do is cry, write out my feelings (I usually burn it after but it is a safe place to rant and vent my feelings). Accept you will feel like crap for a while, nurture yourself with nice things and when the sharp pain of it is easing away try to rebuild life by joining clubs or whatever interests you. Take every day as it comes and try not to think of the future as endless and empty, you will get through this and come out smiling. I tend to keep saying that when I get down.

Feelgood

The way I see is you get once chance at this life and thats it your gone. If you really love this guy then don't let him go without a fight unless its something too serious to get over, then open your heart to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him hes the one and thats that.

I think every relationship on the planet hits hard times, if you love each other then you can make it through it.

otwb

1) You broke up for a reason. Don't forget that.

2) You are going to feel like s*&te for a while.

3) Eventually you will get out, make new friends and feel a bit better

4) Then you will meet a fantastic guy who will make you wonder what you ever saw in the last one:D



But you will feel like crap for a while first esp. if you have to move home and start all over again. Why not look at a house-share somewhere? Am a fan of never going backwards. Things may not work out the way that you had planned, but you never know whats coming along!

Quigs Snr

You will feel bad for quite some time and be totally consumed with thoughts of the other person. There will be anger, sadness the whole lot. I think the only way through, well what worked for me anyway after a similar situation a few years ago (At the same time of year too), was to start focussing on things I wanted to do. I took up sport again, went back to the gym, started to paint, took on a part time educational course after work, started to try to move up in my job, took up reading again and playing the guitar. Well now, 3 years on, I also started socialising with some friends from my sport club and dialled up some old mates. After a few months my confidence was back, I still thought about the other person, but I was fitter, smarter, doing better in work, had more friends and was just generally happier. I was still crap at the guitar though, but that should change as the girl I met 10 months after the breakup, who has now been with me for more than 3 years and is infinitley better for me that the one that came before (even though I would not have believed you had you told me that when I was with the ex, I thought the sun shone out of her backside), just bought be a new guitar for xmas so hopefully that will improve ! I have just been back from a long trip with the GF and planning another, things are going great, I am doing well in my chosen sport and expecting good results this season, as it turns out, hindsight brings great wisdom and the plenty more fish in the sea / you broke up for a reason advice is true - you just won't see it that way for a while. Just to think I would have thrown myself under a bus for the ex, and the thought did cross my mind when I was feeling pretty much like you are now..... If I knew what was waiting for me out there, I would have gone back in time and slapped myself in the face for being so silly.

This WILL get better for you, but it will take time and there are even darker days ahead in the coming weeks so unfortunately you have to suck up the pain. Sorry.

Focus on yourself, don't try to rebound into something else for a while.

Fiii

I don't normally reply in PI, but this post struck a chord with me, as you are me exactly one year ago.
I was with my boyfriend 2.5 years, living with him for 1.5 years (which doesn't seem like a long time, but it was a very intense 2.5 years) when he called me up from England (his home) on New Years Eve and told me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I was devastated, literally devastated. I really didn't know what the hell I was living for. My whole world had been turned upside down and I didn't know how to fix it. I not only lost my boyfriend, but my best friend too and I was gutted.
Luckily my parents were amazing and helped me move home (the hardest day of my life), and my friends were amazing and really looked after me.

I will be very honest with you, it's going to be a tough year for you and sometimes all you will want to do is cry on your couch for days at a time.
And if thats what you need to do, do it! There are no rules here, do whatever you need to do to get through this.
One day, it will become a little easier, and soon you'll be able to go a whole day without thinking about it.

Surround yourself with good friends, try new things and get yourself out into the world again, you'll be amazed how much fun you can actually have.
But don't rush things, let them happen as they will. You'll have good and bad days, you just gotta ride the wave I'm afraid.

It's a year on, and it still hurts like hell, but I'll get there, and you will too, just give it time.
I wish you all the best. Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to who has been through similar.


p.s this is a wee list a friend of mine sent to me when it was all kicking off, some jokey ones, but some very helpful, very true ones!

1. Spoil yourself rotten in every way.
2. Hit the social scene.
3. Buy tonnes of books, CD's, ANYthing to occupy your mind.
4. Get enough sleep.
5. Talk,talk,talk to your friends about it until you lose your voice.
6. Stay around people as much as you can.
7. Plan something HUGE to look forward to.
8. Dress up to the nines ALL the time.
9. Avoid alcohol (hangover blues accentuate all that is bad).
10. Know that the universe is telling you something, that "It all happens for a reason & what is your destiny shall not pass you by."
11. Get some space, take as long as you need and don't force a friendship if you're not ready.

daiixi

You're probably not going to want to but I'd suggest telling the person you're closest to and trust the most at work either today or first thing tomorrow. There's no point hiding it from the people you work with as they'll figure out quite quickly that something is wrong. You're going to need al the support you can gather at the moment. As for how to cope? You'll figure it out. But let yourself be upset if you want to be because as said before emotion is better out than in and festering.

Davstrom

Hi there OP. Your story is remarkably similar to my own i.e. together for 9 years, living together and engaged. I wont go into reasons here but we broke up in may despite the fact I thought we were really happy. The only difference is we continued to live together which was sheer hell, until she moved out in october. So getting out of there is obviously (with hindsight) a good idea.
You are most likely better off cutting your ties with him for now you will be better off, trust me. I say this cos its what I should have done.
I had feck all friends too because everyone else were in relationships and they were mutual friends some of which became two faced.
As was mentioned keep yourself occupied, don't refuse a night out no matter what it is.
Don't be afraid of moving back with your parents, thats just a pride thing. I would, but I'm afraid someone might break in to the house and rob the telly;).
It will be tough, I feel like I'm just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but you will get there. You really see how much your family love you at times like this.

McSween

Some excellent advice above. Do tell somebody at work and plan a trip away to London or New York with some friends.

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years in August. Was/is very tough but I know deep down that these things happen for a reason and that there will be great times ahead.

That was the one thought that kept me going...that as hard as it is to keep going, good times will be just as intense in the future.

I haven't met anyone knew yet and to be honest I don't really want to for now.

Do spoil yourself - I spent loads on clothes and began to really make an effort...that really helped.

Also throw yourself into meeting your friends as often as possible.

One more thing - don't text late at night no matter what. I really regretted doing that.

Best of luck....you'll be better than ever soon

dr_manhattan

"Some excellent advice above."

agreed.

"Do tell somebody at work"

agreed, assuming you can trust them not to be an arse.

"and plan a trip away to London or New York with some friends."

Hm... yeah, sure but I'd wait a bit. Wait to see how things go with how you feel. Nothing worse than one of those "raa we're all having fun" breaks when you're not having any fun. Likewise, nothing worse than not having a break.

You ask how you'll be okay with this, and my only answer is "after an indeterminate period of agony" - it's different for everyone. The best advise I read above was to relax and let it out, because if you don't it'll come out later in one way or another. Welcome to a short but horrible period in everyone's life where all we can do is wait and heal. Broken limb analogies are corny but...

Someone once told me that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over someone... and funnily enough, I've found that to be true. You forget the pain surprisingly quickly, you sort your life out pretty quickly, but it's only after this period that you can deal with your ex as a person properly again, and not be irrational.

If you've had a bad break up before then you may have some ideas: if not then it's hard as hell. My first time was after 6ish years and it destroyed me. No time since has been any easier, to be honest, but at least you've been there before so you know it ends *sometime*.

The only advice I'd give is take slow, certain steps and don't let anyone tell you how to act or feel, or how to cope with it. People should just be patient with you and not try and plan your life. All you'll be able to feel for a while is heartbreak, then slowly you'll start to remember what you want and what you enjoy, and bit by bit it comes back, and you're back in the driver's seat again.

"after an indeterminate period of agony" is the bad news.

The good news is it heals with time, and makes you stronger. Hell, even my most damaging, dramatic, pointless relationships - I'd not change a thing cos otherwise I'd have to learn those lessons again.

And a side note to those who ditch people on NYE - **** you all, you are a heartless bunch of selfish bastards.

funloving

I wish I could express what I went through in perfect English..I'll try my best.
As somebody else posted above,don't rush..

When I broke up with my ex after a 2yrs relationship,I wanted to feel good and happy asap so I thought that starting immediately to date other guys,keeping everything inside was the right thing to do...but I was wrong.

After spending months seeing guys I was not interested in,I realised that all that pain was still in me and I didn't get over my ex one bit

My advice is to let your emotions out:every time you need to cry,do it,don't be too hard on yourself and NEVER forget that what you'll get better.

Breaking up with a partner is not the end of the world even if now you may find it hard to accept but don't forget you can always count on yourself,on the strengh everybody has.

Loving youself will never let you down

Overheal

god - this time last year my stepmom died and i effectively lost a huge chunk of extended family. Spent 3 months working blind and spoiling myself with books and dvds and all manner of crap ive yet to read or watch Great advice is to pick up something that requires a bit of effort that may or may not occupy your thoughts. One thing I did was bought a few of those warhammer miniatures, and painted them up while i watched TV - great way to kill time and i felt slightly accomplished having prettied up a cheap piece of plastic :rollyes:

Find a craft you like - start a sketchbook, write stories, my mom even used to make dolls and stuff after her divorce. Theres a lot of things out there to try.

fits

OP I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation as you, same age, relationship was same length, also engaged. Didnt see the break up coming either even though I instigated it.

life sucks. I dont think I've felt this bad in my life.

TheB

fits wrote: »

OP I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation as you, same age, relationship was same length, also engaged. Didnt see the break up coming either even though I instigated it.

life sucks. I dont think I've felt this bad in my life.

:hugs:

TheB

dr_manhattan wrote: »

"Some excellent advice above."

agreed.

"Do tell somebody at work"

agreed, assuming you can trust them not to be an arse.

"and plan a trip away to London or New York with some friends."

Hm... yeah, sure but I'd wait a bit. Wait to see how things go with how you feel. Nothing worse than one of those "raa we're all having fun" breaks when you're not having any fun. Likewise, nothing worse than not having a break.

You ask how you'll be okay with this, and my only answer is "after an indeterminate period of agony" - it's different for everyone. The best advise I read above was to relax and let it out, because if you don't it'll come out later in one way or another. Welcome to a short but horrible period in everyone's life where all we can do is wait and heal. Broken limb analogies are corny but...

Someone once told me that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over someone... and funnily enough, I've found that to be true. You forget the pain surprisingly quickly, you sort your life out pretty quickly, but it's only after this period that you can deal with your ex as a person properly again, and not be irrational.

If you've had a bad break up before then you may have some ideas: if not then it's hard as hell. My first time was after 6ish years and it destroyed me. No time since has been any easier, to be honest, but at least you've been there before so you know it ends *sometime*.

The only advice I'd give is take slow, certain steps and don't let anyone tell you how to act or feel, or how to cope with it. People should just be patient with you and not try and plan your life. All you'll be able to feel for a while is heartbreak, then slowly you'll start to remember what you want and what you enjoy, and bit by bit it comes back, and you're back in the driver's seat again.

"after an indeterminate period of agony" is the bad news.

The good news is it heals with time, and makes you stronger. Hell, even my most damaging, dramatic, pointless relationships - I'd not change a thing cos otherwise I'd have to learn those lessons again.

And a side note to those who ditch people on NYE - **** you all, you are a heartless bunch of selfish bastards.

All what Dr Manhattan said..

Someone once told me that it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over someone

... Charlotte in SATC said that too.. (I know I am a SATC saddo..)

Bizarrely - as a rough guide it is true..

MattKid

Yes you will feel crap, you invested a lot of time, energy and love into someone and it now seems for nothing. but lets look at the positives


2008 is all about YOU.

It's time to write lists of what you want to do, achieve, places to visit, new places to live. There is nothing stopping you now.


I came out of a long relationship about 6 years ago and became a different person, I finally figured out who I was and wanted to become after that, I learnt my lessons from the failed relationship and whilst I've only had one other since then, I know what I want and need from a relationship and would rather be single than wasting my time with the wrong person.

Karen_*

I really feel for you. I broke up with someone a month ago but we've seen each other all the time. Its still finished and its still agony that I have prolonged for myself making it very hard to move on. I could have been feeling alot better than I do now if I'd just cut ties but its so very hard.

You're not alone in feeling the way you do and work has been torture for me. Try to get through the hours every day in there without showing too much how you're feeling.

I've been a right mess all Christmas but today I'm going to the gym if only to use the pool. And I'm going to clean out my room. I've alos decided to stop drinking altogether as thats something I really need to do. Its too easy to use as a crutch but I really owe myself to do something for me.

We're all here for you and I'd like to thank all those who responded to me and gave words of encouragement and kindness.

You can get through this you know and you will. xx

estar

he broke it off.

why do you have to ask to live with your parents?

tell him to live with his parents if possible.

you are 28, still young, still with plenty of life to live and people
to meet to live it with you.

in my experience right now you need to be nice to yourself.
that doesnt mean maxing out the credit card, but it does
mean taking care of yourself, taking support from people that offer
it and trying if possible to get out and do things to keep busy and
take your mind off the immediate sting.

it might be a simplification, but really sod him, its his loss.

if you have lost touch with friends get back in touch. go
on any and every work night out that comes around. join a gym
and punch the punch bag.

make plans to do all the things you ever wanted to but had perhaps
post poned - travel, different night courses (january is an ideal time)
learn to dance, or cook, or a martial art, or yoga, or reflexology, or
a business course, or read all the books you never read

dont let this situation beat you down.

WhiteWashMan

Only advice I can give you is to make sure you get closure on this as soon as possible in order to start moving on, and that this too will pass.

Rossibaby

its only natural you feel like ****,when your with someone that long they become a part of you,every decision is taken with them in account.buttt,after the weeks pass by and 2 months later the pain will cease and cease.i seems terrible at the time,the worst thing in the world,but the cliche is true,time heals

Aura

Overheal wrote: »

OP, the ones that look like they can handle it on the outside are the ones that hurt the most inside. Dont become one of those people. Let it out.

Agreed. I intially let it out but then made decision to brave face it and hope my heart would just follow suit. No chance and it came back to bite me months later with a heartwrenching bang. Work through it minute by minute if you have to OP and allow yourself time to cry as many tears as you have to but try and not let that be the only thing you do and make yourself get up and out there from time to time to do things you enjoyed yourself before you were part of a couple.

Good luck.

A.