Caught between a rock and a hard place RE New Years.

LegacyUser

Ok, this will be a long message as there's a bit of history involved.

In autumn of last year 2 of my close friends who were going out for years broke up. A few weeks later he had a big house party and as she is in our circle of friends she was there and witnessed him kissing another girl, which obviously upset her. The other girl was a housemate of another guy in our group, most of us met her for the first time that night and she didnt know the situation between the recently split couple.

Anyway, despite this, my 2 friends eventually got back together soon after, however at a house party for new years eve the "other girl" who we were all getting to know was also there. My female friend was a bitch to her, throwing looks and calling her a slut behind her back - i.e. pissing on her territory.

Roll on into 2007, I started seeing "the other girl" who is now my girlfriend. Been seeing her for a few months and it's going great, we get on well and if not together then texting all the time.

My female friend's birthday is in January - so she's having a joint birthday party/new years eve do. I had already said I'd go before I realised that I never asked if i could bring the girlfriend - we'd only spoken briefly about her but she seemed happy for me, and the rest of my friends assumed there'd be no aggro over something that happened over a year ago and was essentially something my girlfriend had no knowledge of.

I asked my friend on Steven's Night could I bring my girlfriend and she rambled about how she doesnt know the girl and wouldnt be comfortable. I was disappointed but it is her party and her house so i was willing to respect her wishes.

She called the next day to clarify that she wasn't comfortable around my girlfriend as she sees her as the girl who kissed her boyfriend. When I asked she acknowledged that a) my girlfriend didnt know the situation and b)that she's being irrational. Again, I was disappointed but I had already agreed to go and he house, her rules.

When others in my group asked if my girlfriend was coming to the party I said no, and told them why; I'm willing to respect my friends wishes but if im asked why im not spending the night with my girlfriend I'm not going to lie and cover up my friend's irrational insecurities.


Anyway, none of this seemed to matter as my girlfriend's buddy was having a party but this was cancelled. So now she is in on new years eve. I've always said that you put friends first over women but Im finding it difficult to choose where to spend the night.

I think one of my friends gave out to the hostess as she's extended an invite for my girlfriend to me, but she apologised in advance for anything she may say to her, and said she'd "really try" not to.

My girlfriend doesnt know about any of this, but she's sensitive about the issue of my friend, as she was mortified when she learned about the background of the situation last year.

Nevyn

I would not put my bf/gf in a postion where they will be made uncomfortible like at,
your friend grudginly give an invite but warns you in advance she may she upsetting things to or about your gf ?
Why would you go there ? Why would you subject your gf to that ?

tba

yeah, you don't have to go out to the party either, the two of you could just stay in together.

Overheal

Go wherever both you and your girlfriend feel comfortable. Dont go anywhere either of you feels awkward. Seriously... just tell your femFriend cool then I guess I wont be there bye!

I say surprise your girlfriend with some romanticised one on one time new years eve: take her out for dinner in the Dublin City Centre or something. Show her who's important to you, y'know?

j0e

Its just a party, id rather spend it sitting in with a gf than going to some party run by a(for want of a better term) bitch.

LegacyUser

Sorry, my mistake I should have clarified. I have no intention of subjecting her to that, and if I go to the party I wont be bringing her. I guess I'm just seeking advice on how to deal with the situation. Im just wondering should I go at all or stay in with my girlfriend, bearing in mind ive accepted an invite to the party myself? If i dont go to the party it may only aggravate the bad feelings my friend has for my girlfriend.


Am I wrong to think my friend is being unreasonable? She got back with her boyfriend and she moved on with him, even though he knew she was there that night; she's holding a grudge over my girlfriend over something she had no idea about for over a year now.

tritium

Your friends being irrational, she knows shes being irrational, and she has to take the consequences of being irrational.

Your girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong at any point in this and shouldn't be made to suffer for your irrational friend-

Spend New Year with your girlfriend, and explain clearly to your friend that you wouldn't want to put your girlfriend in a place where she would be uncomfortable (and possibly send her the 'we were on a break' episode of friends on DVD )

Rattlehead_ie

I'd agree with general consensus. I would say like you, my friends are v important to me and I would never dis them over a g/f, but I think in this situation where

1)The Hostess acknowledges she is being irrational
2)The Hostess has also said that she wouldn't be sure of herself with your gf around

3)Your gf would prob pick up on number 2 as she is sensitive & be uncomfortable.

I think in this case a night in OR even a date (night out with just the two if you)
would be a good idea.

StormWarrior

Your so-called "friend" sounds like a right muppet. If I was your girlfriend, and I had to stay in alone on NYE while you went out partying just because your friend disliked me for no good reason, I would be hurt. I think you and your gf should do something together without your "friend".

Nevyn

You 'friend' needs to get over herself.

Sorry but I would nto have time for such a person never mind having such a drama cow as
my 'friend'.

Why not go to the party see you friends and then leave to ring in the new your with your gf ?

If you friend starts tell her she is not being much of a friend to you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Can understand your friend's point of view. If a female friend of mine was going out with a guy who my girlfriend cheated on me with I'd tell her not to show up with him.

How about you go to the birthday party for a few hours then meet up with your girlfriend? I'm sure they'll both understand given the circumstances

Toots

Thaedydal wrote: »

You 'friend' needs to get over herself.

Sorry but I would nto have time for such a person never mind having such a drama cow as
my 'friend'.

Why not go to the party see you friends and then leave to ring in the new your with your gf ?

If you friend starts tell her she is not being much of a friend to you.

I wholeheartedly agree. If I were you, I'd definitely spend NY with the GF. As Thaedydal said, you could pop in to the party for an hour or so to see everyone and then head off with the GF. If the friend asks why ur leaving early, don't hesitate to tell her exactly why.

Sleepy

Second what Thaed said with a twist - drop into the party and say hello to your friends. Let your girlfriend think she's sitting in alone, arrive at her place around 10 or so and whisk her off to a hotel where you've a bottle of champagne sitting on ice and ring in the new year together.

You'll have so many brownie points stored up for the year you can't go wrong!

BeardyGit

Give that little bitch a box of nappies for her birthday, then go ring in the new year in style with your girlfriend.

I'm serious. A real friend wouldn't do what she's done to you. Even a moany little drama whore like that must know she's bang out of order, but she still expects you to dance to her tune.... Feck that for a game of soldiers. The last thing she deserves is for you to actually attend her party. Screw her.

May I suggest a quiet night in with the good lady, a bottle of vino and a good movie etc. You'll reap the rewards I'm sure, and have a much more enjoyable new years all round I'd imagine.

Gil

Overheal

I wouldn't go to the party at all to be honest: don't encourage your femFriend's behavior.

spinandscribble

its slightly annoying for your gf if you go. if you must go, go for a wee while then come back. i do like Sleepy's idea

Rattlehead_ie

Sleepy wrote: »

Second what Thaed said with a twist - drop into the party and say hello to your friends. Let your girlfriend think she's sitting in alone, arrive at her place around 10 or so and whisk her off to a hotel where you've a bottle of champagne sitting on ice and ring in the new year together.

You'll have so many brownie points stored up for the year you can't go wrong!

Good Work Batman!!!!!!
OP : I think this would be a fantastic idea

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys, appreciated!

A few points

My girlfriends' house and the house party house are a good bit apart, so both wouldn't have been an option really.

Second, my girlfriend didn't mind, as i said when i made my plans she already had plans for a house party in Galway that fell through (we're in cork by he way)

The reason she would have been alone is that she's a student in her final year of college in cork, and is heading back to her college house do some project work. the way her transport worked out is that she wouldnt have a lift back to cork until the end of the week, which is too late for her. However,I just found out that she has a spin down on new years day now, so she'll be ringing in the new year with her family, thankfully not alone!

Ive organised to meet up with her on New Years Day and spend the day with her, so I think I've managed to juggle the situation nicely! I'm also going to make a point of letting people (especially the hostess) know tomorrow night that I'm not drinking much at the party because I want a clear head for spending the day with my GF.

So this tricky situation has been solved, but there's still the bigger issue at hand. I'm going to sit my friend down and explain that I came to her party because I agreed to before the issue of my GF arose, and that she's a friend, but I'll warn her that I wont indulge such behaviour in future, and if I feel my GF isn't welcome/at risk of being insulted over something she had no idea about then I wont be coming.

Thanks again for the advice guys.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Can understand your friend's point of view. If a female friend of mine was going out with a guy who my girlfriend cheated on me with I'd tell her not to show up with him.

Just to clarify, they had broken up when my girlfriend kissed him at the party - both my friend and my gf were single at the time, there wasno cheating. My gf didnt know any of us at the time, or of the recent break up

Lazarus2.0

At no point on this thread have you actually put your gf before your party friend ! I think I'd be in the majority when saying that if my partner (wife , in my case) was excluded for any reason from any event - especially New Year's Eve - I'd be with my partner . I certainly wouldnt be considering going to this bash . Who's more important to you ?

Grand that you have plans to sit your friend down etc but actions (like staying away) speak louder than words ..

Overheal

Nooooo you might be making a mistake >.< arent couples supposed to - like - be kissing, when the ball drops on new years eve?

I was working last year and the barman i was with leans over the counter at the ball and starts eating the face off what i hope was his girlfriend... i mean cmon... I think the eve should be spent together.

BigWilly

caughtinbetween wrote: »

Second, my girlfriend didn't mind, as i said when i made my plans she already had plans for a house party in Galway that fell through (we're in cork by he way)

She's just being nice and trying not to ruin your night. If the situation was reversed would you mind? I know I personally would be at the very least close to being single by New Years day.

Ive organised to meet up with her on New Years Day and spend the day with her, so I think I've managed to juggle the situation nicely! I'm also going to make a point of letting people (especially the hostess) know tomorrow night that I'm not drinking much at the party because I want a clear head for spending the day with my GF.

You obviously don't really care much about your gf. Either that or you're just a pathetically weak person.



P.s. I'm sure your friend will really be put in her place when she finds out you're not drinking much..

LegacyUser

Ok, I can see the point people are making but the situation has changed now - because she'll be up the country at home tonight, the only way she'd be down for us to be together "when the ball drops" would be for me to drive up and either spend the day with her parents who I haven't met yet (as I said, we're only going out a couple of months) or bring her back to either my place or hers, in which case with all the driving we'd more than likely be in the car on the road at midnight!!

As I said before the bigger picture, as I see it is that I'm not aggrivating the situation, and my gf is unaware that she wasnt welcome. I'll tell the friend that it wont be tolerated in future.

LegacyUser

Ok, my last messages haven't gone up (if mods are wondering the change in IP address is because I'm at work now)

Anyway, an update.

I called my girlfriend and told her that I want to be with her at midnight, and that I'd drive to see her, meet the parents and all, then bring her somewhere for dinner. She said I was really sweet, but that she needs to get ready to move back for college, and that she'd rather spend the first day of the new year with me in Cork rather than spend the day packing, which she's going to do today and tonight. She insisted that I go to the party, wish my friends a happy new year and that she looked forward to my call at midnight.

So the problem with tonight seems ok, and I plan to have a serious talk with my friend about her attitude.

Thank you all for your advice and input, happy new year to you all.

McSween

i'd go to the party, give her a bottle of wine leave

inside a card say: "spending new year's eve on my own. since you are behaving in such a way towards X I have decided not to stay at the party"

Son_of_Belial

tba wrote: »

yeah, you don't have to go out to the party either, the two of you could just stay in together.

Precisely.