What should I do about this problem?

LegacyUser

I could write a massive post on this problem I have but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I'm in my late 20's and I've never had a real relationship. I've only had sex with 2 girls a few times each, and in the last few years only kissed a few girls, never going any further....

Every other part of my life is fantastic apart from this. I'm a totally normal guy, very soliable, loads of friends, there isn't anything weird or strange about me. I don't have a problem talking to women, I have lots of female friends, but women just never see me as anything other than a friend, not matter what I do. I'm a very very genuine good guy, and very nice - often to nice, which I know is no what women rally want. Recently I've tried changing my attitude and trying to be more of a bastard. and yes, it does actually work in getting their attention and often kissing them, but ultimately that is not who I am and it still never gets me any further.

Believe me I've tried all the normal suggestions, but now I'm thinking perhaps I should go see a psychologist, as perhaps there are some deep seeded problems that are shaping my personality. I don't really think so but I'm not ruling out any possibilities.

I'm looking for advice on what options I have to turn this around. It's getting ridiculous at this stage, I almost feel like I will NEVER have what is such a normal thing for most people - a girlfriend.

Any ideas you guys would have would be helpful.
Thanks

Cathmandooo

Is there a friend or two of yours that you could ask to be brutally honest with you as to why they think you don't have a girlfriend? They might be your best insight into it as they'd know you best.

If you feel you want to talk to a professional then go for it.

It's rubbish that women go for 'the bad guy', well it's rubbish for any lady who's mature anyway! You said you're in your late 20's, are the women you've been talking to and chatting up your age too? Maybe you put too much pressure on yourself when you chat to a girl at first? Are you going out with too many friends? As in maybe an outside girl feels a bit under the spotlight cos you've too many mates out with you?

I don't think there's any magic solution in finding a partner (male or female). Just keep going out with a few mates, try going out when your mates girlfriends friends are out. Meeting a partner through a friend seems to be a good way. Also New Years is a good way of meeting someone. If you're going to a party make sure it's one where there's outsiders there too!

Good luck anyway, I know how annoying it can be to be single for ages.

Marksie

Its all about tha balance OP. You say you are a nice guy? in what way, always obliging? Which is your default personality trait?.

I agree that you should be who you are, but first and foremost you must understand who you are.

In the end what about yourself is stopping you being relationship material and not getting out of the freinds comfort zone?

and describe what you mean by bastard behaviour and for that matter "nice"?

newestUser

Cathooo wrote: »

Is there a friend or two of yours that you could ask to be brutally honest with you as to why they think you don't have a girlfriend? They might be your best insight into it as they'd know you best.

If you feel you want to talk to a professional then go for it.

It's rubbish that women go for 'the bad guy', well it's rubbish for any lady who's mature anyway! You said you're in your late 20's, are the women you've been talking to and chatting up your age too? Maybe you put too much pressure on yourself when you chat to a girl at first? Are you going out with too many friends? As in maybe an outside girl feels a bit under the spotlight cos you've too many mates out with you?

I don't think there's any magic solution in finding a partner (male or female). Just keep going out with a few mates, try going out when your mates girlfriends friends are out. Meeting a partner through a friend seems to be a good way. Also New Years is a good way of meeting someone. If you're going to a party make sure it's one where there's outsiders there too!

Good luck anyway, I know how annoying it can be to be single for ages.

Not entirely sure about the ask a friend scenario - they might focus on something that annoys/repels them particularly, sending the OP off in the wrong direction. Look at it this way: if the OP said he'd stopped a girl in a nightclub, and asked her to be totally honest, what did she find unattractive about him, and she said 'Oh, X', would the OP be right to assume that X was the problem? No, because that's just one person, and one person's opinion only.

Make sure you're in a position to meet women, eg through existing friends, work, hobbies etc. I don't rate pubs+clubs for meeting people.

To be honest, this nice guy/bad guy stuff is a little immature for someone in their late twenties.

Miss Fluff

OMG OP you don't need to see a psychologist. You may however be coming off as a little desperate when you are out if your main focus is on finding a girlfriend and finding one fast. Don't change who you are and pretend to be a bastard, you won't do yourself any favours. Go and enjoy yourself, play the field etc and try and have some fun. I always say a girl has to kiss plenty of frogs before she finds her prince. Likewise, continue to spend time with your mates, try and adopt a more carefree attitude and it WILL happen for you. Don't see every night out as a failure just because you haven't scored/arranged a date.

Cathmandooo

newestUser wrote: »

Not entirely sure about the ask a friend scenario - they might focus on something that annoys/repels them particularly, sending the OP off in the wrong direction. Look at it this way: if the OP said he'd stopped a girl in a nightclub, and asked her to be totally honest, what did she find unattractive about him, and she said 'Oh, X', would the OP be right to assume that X was the problem? No, because that's just one person, and one person's opinion only.

Make sure you're in a position to meet women, eg through existing friends, work, hobbies etc. I don't rate pubs+clubs for meeting people.

To be honest, this nice guy/bad guy stuff is a little immature for someone in their late twenties.

I agree that one persons opinion doesnt find a solution to this guys problem and certainly not a random girl in a pub! But think about your single friends, if you were able to be completely honest with them wouldnt you be able to give them pointers of what they're doing wrong with meeting someone? As in maybe they get too drunk, cry too much, say stupid things before thinking, sabotage their own relationships, maybe theyre not over an ex and dont realise it.

Obviously you'd want to be very careful not to completely offend your friend but it may help them in the long run, like the OP's close mates might be able to shed some light. I'm not suggesting they list off what they hate about him, there's a big difference between what you dislike in a close friend to what a new person might dislike.

newestUser

I second that you're coming across as desperate on this post, and I also think that you should be more relaxed about the situation (easier said than done, I know). People respond well to a relaxed, friendly, happy, person who's at ease with themselves. If you're desperate or nervous, you're not going to be acting in a fashion that's attractive.

Cathoo's advice sounds like it's more appropriate for a girl to be honest. Guys don't do these open heart-to-hearts in general. I'd advise the OP to observe men who are successful with women up close. Look at how they act and behave, try to get a feeling for what they do, why they do it, and why people (not just women) like it. That's a better idea than initiating a potentially awkward, unhelpful conversation with someone. And anyway, for all we know, this guy's mate's are pr1cks.

sobriquet

MrSingle wrote: »

Believe me I've tried all the normal suggestions, but now I'm thinking perhaps I should go see a psychologist, as perhaps there are some deep seeded problems that are shaping my personality. I don't really think so but I'm not ruling out any possibilities.

I'm looking for advice on what options I have to turn this around. It's getting ridiculous at this stage, I almost feel like I will NEVER have what is such a normal thing for most people - a girlfriend.

Short version: +1 to Miss Fluffs response.

Hi OP. You're description pretty much fits me - I'm 26, never had a girlfriend, just a few casual flings here and there. Where we part though is that I don't care, I'm really not interested in getting a girlfriend. The opposite in fact, I'm actively avoiding getting involved with someone. The reason is that I'm grieving for someone. It's ****ed me up, to be blunt about it, and I've put a lot else on hold because of it.

Anyways, introduction over. You come across as desperate and insecure. You don't need to see a psychologist. You don't need to be a bastard to succeed with women. Describing yourself as 'very very genuine' and 'very nice - often too nice' sounds odd. What is 'very very genuine' for one thing? It sounds like it's not. What's too nice? Sounds like 'doormat' and 'eager to please.'

It sounds like your overall mindset is that of someone who views women - all women, effectively - as potential girlfriends. If this is the case, then you're fully set up for complete failure. If you've set yourself in that mindset, then it colours all your interactions with women into something it's not, and that's probably the source of the 'too nice' thing, if I'm right. So stop doing that. Treat women as people and potential friends, exactly as you would any bloke you were introduced to by a mate.

I know that's reading a lot into your post, but I don't think it's unreasonable. The reason I mentioned what I did in the first paragraph is that I went (or had to go) through a similar change in thinking a few years ago, and your situation sounds similar. Having opted out of getting into any relationships at all has only compounded what I learned then, that thinking of or treating women any different than you would your mates is a losing proposition. Best of luck.

newestUser

sobriquet wrote: »

Short version: +1 to Miss Fluffs response.

It sounds like your overall mindset is that of someone who views women - all women, effectively - as potential girlfriends. If this is the case, then you're fully set up for complete failure. If you've set yourself in that mindset, then it colours all your interactions with women into something it's not, and that's probably the source of the 'too nice' thing, if I'm right. So stop doing that. Treat women as people and potential friends, exactly as you would any bloke you were introduced to by a mate.

Sorry for butting in again! I strongly agree with this.

SarahSassy

Any woman with an ounce of sense wants a nice guy... Dont change your personality to get a girlfriend cos if you do you will end up with a girl who likes assholes and she will most likely not be suitable for you....

AARRRGH

Obviously we can't analyse you from the little information you've given us, but it does sound like you're too nice. Or delusional. One or the other

The fact that women do not go for you at all would suggest to me you may not be very good looking (sorry). Join the gym, buy nicer clothes (get a girl to help you with this one), get a nicer hair cut, get skin products, and maybe a trip to the dentist.

For your mind do an assertiveness course, and maybe start some confidence building exercises which a therapist can suggest. Confidence definitely attracts women, no matter what you look like.

There is nothing wrong with being nice, as long as it's not based upon fear (for example, your mega strict parents forced you to be the perfect, polite person.)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Because of the fact that I have been totally honest, yes I can see how the post comes across as desperate, but believe me I'm not like that when speaking to people normally. I'm a very confident and content guy.

I have many times asked friends etc for their opinion on what it is about me - as much as I and they want to be able to pinpoint one thing, there doesn't seem to be any real answer.

Here's a story for you: A few months ago I met a girlthrough friends of mine, soo cool, nice, sound and really pretty - totally my type. We had a little smooch, but only for a few seconds. We started texting that week and when i met her out the next week, she told me all about how happy she was to have met me, and that she's so glad she has me in her life, but only "As a Freind". She told me all about how great a guy I am in every way, and that I'm almost "the perfect boyfriend", but just personally for her there was not that initial spark she was looking for. I asked her to lay it out plain and simple about what is it about me that constantly gets me in these situtions and really what can I change? She replied saying "Don't ever change a single thing - you are an indredible guy and you will find that person one day".

That last phrase I have heard a hundred times - but people have been saying it to me for more than 10 years, it's getting kind of boring. It's not like I'm searching for my soul mate and won't settle for anything less. I do have high standards but I meet nice girls I like all the time!

When I go out to bar and clubs, I mst definitely do not go out with the main intention of scoring or getting numbers etc. If I did I really would go home pissed off every time. I just go out to ahve a good time, and always do, but if the opportunity arises I'll take it, but I'm not desperately hunting, that's not my style.

The one thing is that girls lead me on all the time. They love the attention from me, and will act completly like they are totally into me and want to score me but when it comes to the crunch say the just want to be friends or give some other bull**** reason. I could give you dozens of examples..

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote: »

Any woman with an ounce of sense wants a nice guy...

Very true but often what women define as "nice guys" is completely at odds with what blokes who define themselves as nice guys or too nice, act like and are.

Nice guys also define guys who get lots of women as bastards, entirely based on how they themselves think men should act. Now some of those guys might be bastards, but most wont be and even if they are, it's going to be at least more interesting to go out with someone like that than a complete walkover. They're active not passive. Passive will get you nowhere.

They also may see them as bastards because they simply have more success with women. Mostly down to confidence and giving off the impression to potential girlfriends that they would be a part of an equal relationship, not acting subordinate all the time.

Most if not all of these nice guys come across as needy, emotionally immature and weak. They come across that way to other men. They make great friends for women as they act like their girlfriends or a gay friend, with the added bonus of unflinching adoration. They constantly put women they fancy on pedestals which most women feel uncomfortable with, or at least don't see as potential boyfriend traits.

They also tend to try to make friends with the woman first and then hope for the best. Never gonna happen. The exceptions prove the rule. They not un naturally get friendzoned by the woman as that's how they have been acting. As friends, not boyfriends. There is a difference. Now a boyfriend should be a friend too, but after the fact, not at the start. "Nice guys" have cut themselves out of the running right from the get go.

OP. Forget about being a "nice" guy for the moment. Think about how you act when you do get action. That's why what you see as "acting like a bastard" gets you the kissing action. I would be fairly sure that when you act that way you come across as more confident and you make it clear you want more than to be just friends. That's not being a bastard, that's just expressing what you want. It's part of adulthood and it's part of being a man.

Changing clothes, hair and working out is only a small part of the puzzle. It's a tiny part actually. It's only plus point is increasing your confidence. The biggest player(for want of a better word) I've known is short and podgey. He likes and respects women, but he knows himself and likes himself and goes for it. people respond to that, men and women.

Wibbs

newestUser wrote: »

I second that you're coming across as desperate on this post, and I also think that you should be more relaxed about the situation (easier said than done, I know). People respond well to a relaxed, friendly, happy, person who's at ease with themselves. If you're desperate or nervous, you're not going to be acting in a fashion that's attractive.

Agree with that.

Cathoo's advice sounds like it's more appropriate for a girl to be honest. Guys don't do these open heart-to-hearts in general.

Good point. Now it's a generalisation, but let's dive into that a bit more. Blokes don't have those heart to hearts nearly as much as women do. They don't tend to discuss their feelings as much with each other. Women are far more open in general doing that. Now let's look at "nice guys". What do they tend to do? They discuss more feelings and emotionally based stuff with women they fancy. Maybe thinking that acting like that will get their attention and confidence as they're engaging them on their turf. Nope. It won't, as basically they're acting like a woman friend. If you reverse it and have a woman acting like a bloke(looks aside), you will tend to treat her like a bloke and not want to jump her bones. Simply put women will respond to you as a man much better than they will respond to you as a pseudo woman. I'm not talking macho bullshít either. That's as bad, though you may get more women. Both traits in men, overly emo and overly macho are two sides of the same coin. Immaturity.

I'd advise the OP to observe men who are successful with women up close. Look at how they act and behave, try to get a feeling for what they do, why they do it, and why people (not just women) like it.

And then copy it and add it to your own personality. You say you can get snogs but can't translate that into something more? I would say that's because after the snog, when you take it further you go straight back into emo boy territory.

Don't take the usually daft advice of "just being yourself". It's utter crap. and something will happen. If that worked you wouldn't be here and it's the worst advice you could take. Better advice would be, don't compromise yourself or what you want from life. Work on your weaknesses and get out there.

LegacyUser

Only saw the last few posts now after writing the other reply, so:

I'm quite a good looking guy, I dress very well, hair, skin etc all good. My only drawback in that area is I'm quite small and thin (5'6 and about 9 stone) - girls usualy like tall and stocky guys, but personally I like my phisique and stature. As far as the "Overall Package" that girls might look for, I do very well I think. Great job/career, earn good money, own my own apartment, drive nice car, have a lot of good friends, well respected bla bla bla sorry I hate to list off superficial things but they do matter somewhat.

Being genuine and true to yourself is very important. I am a very nice guy but I'm definitely not a doormat or a pushover. Compared to my piers I'm plenty assertive and confident. I do hang out with what some would percieve as the 'cool crowd' so it's not like I'm a spotty nerd who's only friends are through playing quake or somehting. When I meet new people for the first time through friends often they will either say to me or I will hear back from others that they thought I was a really cool guy, really sound etc.

I know, it really must sound like I am dillusional lol

Seriously, what the hell am I going to do to change this? I'm not looking for anything completely ridiculous, just something that most people take for granted! I would prefer a girlfriend but if I met a girl and all she wanted was a casual thing then I'd be cool with that too!

Funny, the last girl I kissed, long story but ultimately I managed it because we had an argement about how girls only like bastards - she totally denied it. I acted like a arrogant prick and ended up kissing her. I want a girl that wants a nice/good/genuine guy who will respect and treat her properly

I'm trying the internet dating thing for a laugh, haven't really done a whole lot yet but I'll see what happens

weeginger

Hey after a certain age a lot of single people start the "what am I doing wrong?" mindset -and the answer probably is nothing. I was fairly stressed about this time last year about being single when all my friends seemed to be getting married. But after a bit of thought I realised, I am happy within myself, so yeah a relationship would be nice (but only if its a good one) and I have learnt enough about myself that I don't enter into relationships too easily. I am attracted to people who are warm, friendly and relaxed.

There is a certain energy that people give off when they are happy within themselves (not the same as being big headed)...that energy is like a magnet for a lot of women.

Try giving yourself a few months of time to just be you, completely ban the notion of relationships from your mind and just enjoy meeting people and getting to know them...basically give yourself time to relax within your own skin. If you do that it won't matter whether you're single or not.

Failing all that I need a date for a ball i'm going to in a few weeks, ha ha!

McGinty

Hi Op

If it makes you feel any better I have been single for over four years, basically I haven't found someone who suits me, and maybe it has to do with not finding someone who suits you. I don't think you should change who you are unless you are being a complete asshole, it comes down to this, they don;t fancy you but remember this, you only need one woman, as I see it I only need one man, and eventually you will find her, as I will find that man but for now enjoy the experience and the ability to find someone.

Overheal

weeginger wrote: »

Try giving yourself a few months of time to just be you, completely ban the notion of relationships from your mind and just enjoy meeting people and getting to know them...basically give yourself time to relax within your own skin. If you do that it won't matter whether you're single or not.

Agreed. Nobody goes out with anyone that wallows in self pity.

And when it doesn't work out - which it often does not - yeah, its usually something in who we are or who they are that stops anything from going anywhere. If you are trying to waterproof yourself into being the perfect guy with no faults then you will fail. We all have faults.

I dont think anyone ever meets someone special when they are looking, anyway. They just bump into each other when they're ready to. Stop spending your time looking for someone and just keep bettering yourself; achieving personal goals (not relationship goals); take up a craft or a hobby, etc. Oh, the mass regurgitation of get a hobby :rolleyes:

Wow, bettering IS a word...

newestUser

Mr Single wrote: »

Seriously, what the hell am I going to do to change this? I'm not looking for anything completely ridiculous, just something that most people take for granted! I would prefer a girlfriend but if I met a girl and all she wanted was a casual thing then I'd be cool with that too!

Funny, the last girl I kissed, long story but ultimately I managed it because we had an argement about how girls only like bastards - she totally denied it. I acted like a arrogant prick and ended up kissing her. I want a girl that wants a nice/good/genuine guy who will respect and treat her properly

I think you may have a sense of entitlement when it comes to relationships. You incorrectly assume that relationships come easy to almost everyone else except you. People often have to put themselves out there, and be imaginative, in how they meet partners (though granted, often it just happens casually), and *everyone* who's in a half-decent relationship has to put some amount of effort into it. Most people in successful, fulfilling relationships do not take them for granted.

And I also think that the incident with the last girl you snogged is inconsequential. You were out one night, got drunk, told a girl your pet theory about women and bastards, and snogged her. Doesn't prove/disprove anything. It's just a drunken snog.

eveamp

Hey,

I dont think you sound desperate here. I think that it is ok to want to find someone and to actively think about how you come across to others. However, sometimes wanting a relationship can make people seem a bit intense with others...

Anyway, my personal advice is try internet dating! I know some people think its a desperate thing to do but I think its great. It gives you time to get to know people (on some level) before meeting them. This means that when you do meet you already know what things you have in common and have some sort of basis to work from which helps with that first date awkwardness! I'm 25 and had already had a long term boyfriend when I tried it. I wanted to do it more for a laugh and to meet some people (as I dont like the pubs and clubs scene) than to find love. BUT, I'm now happily with my new guy for over a year. He is briliant and we were in touch for weeks before we met which meant I knew we had something in common and made it easier when we did meet.

Might not be for you, but it definately worked for me!

Thats my advice anyway!!!

PS. I love nice guys! I dont care if others think they're weak or whatever. Why would I want some macho bastard when I could have a decent, caring, fun guy? Be who you are! There are girls out there who will like it!

acorntoast

Mr Single wrote: »

(5'6 and about 9 stone) - girls usualy like tall and stocky guys, but personally I like my phisique and stature.

I do hang out with what some would percieve as the 'cool crowd' so it's not like I'm a spotty nerd who's only friends are through playing quake or somehting.

Has it occurred to you that the 'cool crowd's can be quite lookist?

Tbh 5'6 would never really be a problem for me, but 9 stone would. I know you're happy with it, but a straw poll of my female friends says this would be a deal breaker for them. Shallow I know - but these things count. However - I have a good guy friend who is similarily sized and weighted and he doesn't have as severe an issue with meeting girls as you - however it does affect his chances, no doubts.

Also - you seem angry with the girls you are hanging around with as they are using you for friendship and compliments - but aren't you by your own twisted logic using them for a potential relationship?

I don't think you are being used - I do think it sounds like you are misinterpreting behaviour and have unfounded expectations from women.

Also - everything that's been suggested to you - you've knocked back so far.

It seems to be - it's not me - it's them... Well - other guys find themselves in relationships, cruddy ugly guys with smelly feet and ****ty personalities. If they can do it??

sobriquet

This:

MrSingle wrote: »

When I go out to bar and clubs, I mst definitely do not go out with the main intention of scoring or getting numbers etc. If I did I really would go home pissed off every time. I just go out to ahve a good time, and always do, but if the opportunity arises I'll take it, but I'm not desperately hunting, that's not my style.

and this:

MrSingle wrote: »

The one thing is that girls lead me on all the time. They love the attention from me, and will act completly like they are totally into me and want to score me but when it comes to the crunch say the just want to be friends or give some other bull**** reason. I could give you dozens of examples..

just don't add up, sorry. I know the kind of behaviour you're talking about, and been that eejit a couple of times myself, and from my experience and observation it's usually the case that a) the girl in question is quite popular and b) it means letting yourself be lead on. It doesn't just happen, it's not a common mode of people getting together even in nightclubs.

The fact that it happens regularly enough to be described as 'all the time' implies that you're not, in fact, going out just to have the craic, as in the first quote. It implies that you're picking the hottest women going and disregarding everyone else in their pursuit, and that you pursue them whether or not there's anything to it. Women in nightclubs, hot and not, flirt all the time, it's like newestUser mentions about kissing, it just happens, there's little to be read into it.

Nothing you wrote has disabused me of the notion that you regard all women as potential girlfriends. There's little in the way of self-criticality in your posts too.

Wibbs

Mr Single wrote: »

I'm quite a good looking guy, I dress very well, hair, skin etc all good. My only drawback in that area is I'm quite small and thin (5'6 and about 9 stone) - girls usualy like tall and stocky guys, but personally I like my phisique and stature. As far as the "Overall Package" that girls might look for, I do very well I think. Great job/career, earn good money, own my own apartment, drive nice car, have a lot of good friends, well respected bla bla bla sorry I hate to list off superficial things but they do matter somewhat.

Oh they matter alright, no matter how many deny it, especially as the years pass. I wouldn't worry about the height thing. You're not that short at 5'6. I'd try to throw a bit of meat on though, as unless you can carry skinny well(and few men can) that will reduce some chances.

Being genuine and true to yourself is very important. I am a very nice guy but I'm definitely not a doormat or a pushover. Compared to my piers I'm plenty assertive and confident. I do hang out with what some would percieve as the 'cool crowd' so it's not like I'm a spotty nerd who's only friends are through playing quake or somehting. When I meet new people for the first time through friends often they will either say to me or I will hear back from others that they thought I was a really cool guy, really sound etc.

I know, it really must sound like I am dillusional lol

Not at all, but lets face facts here, if all of the above is true about what's going for you and on the basis of the above that's quite a bit, why are you not getting far more attention, than you obviously are. You're obviously social, you're apparently hanging with an ok bunch, you're independent and apparently a "cool guy, really sound etc", so why is this not translating into more attention and success with women? Somethings wrong with that picture. To take your example I know an overweight nerd quake type guy and he's had his fair share and he doesn't have half of what you appear have going for you.

Something is amiss in some part of your behaviour that is making you lose out. I mean odds are that at this stage in your life at least two women would have spotted all these advantages. they make up 50% of the population so what is the sticking point?

Funny, the last girl I kissed, long story but ultimately I managed it because we had an argement about how girls only like bastards - she totally denied it. I acted like a arrogant prick and ended up kissing her. I want a girl that wants a nice/good/genuine guy who will respect and treat her properly

Well some part of that "arrogance" made you attractive. Find out what that is that made the difference and add a little of that in future. In any case a touch of cockiness, does not mean you're a bastard or you don't respect the woman you're with. Then again, it could have simply a case that your diatribe about women going for bastards was a challenge for her and she saw you were one of these "nice guys" and wanted to prove you wrong. Did you have a chance of hooking up again? If not that could have been the case. Or she was píssed.

I'm trying the internet dating thing for a laugh, haven't really done a whole lot yet but I'll see what happens

Could be a plan. I've heard it's quite good.

eveamp wrote:

PS. I love nice guys! I dont care if others think they're weak or whatever. Why would I want some macho bastard when I could have a decent, caring, fun guy? Be who you are! There are girls out there who will like it!

That's all grand but it's the definitions that are the problem. What you as a woman define as a nice guy is not the same as what men who describe themselves as nice guys mean or are doing. If that was the case all these nice guys that come on here complaining they're alone would be beating them off with a shítty stick. Clearly they're not.

Plus you're jumping to the usual erroneous conclusion that it's an either or situation. Nice guy V Bastard. It's not. There is a middle ground and that's where the OP should be and I would contend that's what women want when the describe "nice guys". The OP seems a step away from that middle ground.

Also, as I said if "being who he was" was workin' out for him he wouldn't be in this situation. The plain fact is that if just being yourself isn't working then there's something wrong with how you project yourself. Simple as that. Does this mean lying about yourself? No, it means putting the best of you forward and interacting with women you meet in a different way.

Wibbs

acorntoast wrote: »

Tbh 5'6 would never really be a problem for me, but 9 stone would. I know you're happy with it, but a straw poll of my female friends says this would be a deal breaker for them. Shallow I know - but these things count. However - I have a good guy friend who is similarily sized and weighted and he doesn't have as severe an issue with meeting girls as you - however it does affect his chances, no doubts.

Missed this in my fevered ranting, but yea I would reckon that could be a sticking point. Straight from the horses mouth so to speak.

Also - you seem angry with the girls you are hanging around with as they are using you for friendship and compliments - but aren't you by your own twisted logic using them for a potential relationship?

Bingo. Nail on the head. You are spotting what they are. That he's only being "nice" to get into their pants. Pretty much. A hell of a lot of women would have more respect for you if you just walked up and said, "do ya fancy a shag". They would tell you to fúck off, but at least they would admire your honesty.

I don't think you are being used - I do think it sounds like you are misinterpreting behaviour and have unfounded expectations from women.

Three for three.

Also - everything that's been suggested to you - you've knocked back so far.

You're on a roll.:D

It seems to be - it's not me - it's them... Well - other guys find themselves in relationships, cruddy ugly guys with smelly feet and ****ty personalities. If they can do it??

Exactly. With all the OP has going for him, he should be having waaaay more success.

Just a thought. Are you batting out of your league, as it were, in personality and looks? While confidence is one thing, being blind to the obvious is quite another.

Wibbs

Missed this one.

MrSingle wrote: »

Here's a story for you: A few months ago I met a girlthrough friends of mine, soo cool, nice, sound and really pretty - totally my type. We had a little smooch, but only for a few seconds. We started texting that week and when i met her out the next week, she told me all about how happy she was to have met me, and that she's so glad she has me in her life, but only "As a Freind". She told me all about how great a guy I am in every way, and that I'm almost "the perfect boyfriend", but just personally for her there was not that initial spark she was looking for. I asked her to lay it out plain and simple about what is it about me that constantly gets me in these situtions and really what can I change? She replied saying "Don't ever change a single thing - you are an indredible guy and you will find that person one day".

Translation? She liked the look of you. Talked to you for a while, thought maybe. Something put her off and she backed off. Lack of spark = doesn't want to bone you. Crude? Yes, but true. Everything else was all very well but mostly her being nice and letting you down easy. The fact is if you were "the perfect boyfriend" your bed would be in dire danger of breaking. Fact. Women are dealing with knobends on a daily basis. Any guy approaching perfect would have his willy in plaster inside a month.

The one thing is that girls lead me on all the time. They love the attention from me, and will act completly like they are totally into me and want to score me but when it comes to the crunch say the just want to be friends or give some other bull**** reason. I could give you dozens of examples..

OK honest time here. What you wrote there is mostly crap. They're not leading you on in most cases. You're simply misreading the signs. If some women see that, then you end up as a drinks and entertainment supplier for the night. The rest are just being friendly and you're missing that. You're misreading signs all over the place I suspect. I'm not surprised. Most guys do at some stage in their life. I know I did. I was dire in my early 20's. I couldn't have got laid in a whoorhouse carrying a winning lotto ticket. Some get lucky early on and never have to read the signs, unless they get dumped 5 years on and then wonder why they can't attract another woman.

tritium

Well OP, Wibbs has covered this more comprehensively and correctly than I ever could, so I'll just give you my additional 2 cents:

Lots of guys think they have everything going for them, lots of guys think that because they have lots of friends they should be getting laid - It doesn't work like that. Think of the analogy that just because you can drive a car doesn't mean you can fly a plane, no metter how similar they look.

I'm not being harsh here, lots of guys, myself included have been there. Lots of things you might be doing wrong: Waiting and just expecting things to happen, thinking if you're friends with them they'll shag you, not actually asking for what you want, and so on.

You really need to get away from this 'I'm a nice guy' stuff. Honestly the only way I've ever said this to a girl was so blatantly tongue in cheek it was just silly, and tbh I still should have used a better line. Women do like nice guys, but nice guy doesn't equal doormat. I spent a while thinking guys who were up front were pushy bastards, then I realised they're actually just clued in enough to ask if whats on their mind is also on someone elses mind.

You mention being more of a bastard - oh boy, where to start. Having seen the genuine article in action - nasty, manipulative, violent and possessive, I'm pretty sure this isn't anywhere near what you mean! If you mean being cocky, a bit arrogant even, thats not being a bastard- actually I'd encourage you to play with this a bit until you get it to a point where its genuine without being obnoxious: Don't worry, women will clue you in pretty quickly if you're being too obnoxious.

As others have said, clothes, gym etc will all help, but without the right attitude, you can look like Brad Pit and you'll still struggle (Though Brad Pitt would probably do so-so )

spinandscribble

i have to say nice guys generally dont go around saying that. in fact all the "nice" guys i know arnt. the fact you're considering becoming a "bastard" isnt really the thoughts of a nice guy. im guessing you're simply radiating hostility towards unwilling women at this stage.
maybe the type of girls you're attracted to are shallow or sense how desparate you are?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies all, I do appreciate it. Sorry if I feel like I am knocking back suggestions, just kinda a bit under the weather today and kinds depressed about thinking about my situation, which prompted me to write this post.

As I said I hate to list out all the ways in which I think I'm great, it's just to illustrate a point that isn't not the usual factors as far as I can see that are stopping me - I'm pretty sure it's my attitude towards women myself, which others have said - which is why I thought maybe a psychologist could help. There very may well be some blindingly obvious reason that I just can not see or understand about myself.

I probably am aiming for girls who might be a little "out of my league" but I believe that really if the connection is right almost anyone can be with anyone else. I would admit to being a little shallow in terms of wanting an attractive girlfriend, however I can definitely tell you that any of the girls I have taken a serious liking to have not been super pretty etc - they were conventionally pretty average but there was a real connection, a click, that made me go for them - and that is far more attractive that just a pretty face.

I think I probably am going at it with an incorrect attitude. I am the stereotypical male constantly on the lookout for good looking girls and I probably do view them on whether they would make potential girlfriends. It's automatic, aren't most guys the same? But I don't think I 'radiate hostility' at all, I truly love women and everything about them. I probably idealise them too much. The quote "You're putting the pussy on a pedastal" from The 40 Year Old Virgin - has been mentioned before.

Over the years I've had quite a few circumstances where I meet a girl, we get on very well but it never goes any further. But we do become very good friends, hang out loads and get very close. I think sometimes that I am almost like a 'fake boyfriend' to them - it's like I provide lots of the aspects of a relationship; someone to talk to, do things with, get close to and be affectionate with, yet not have any of the real stuff that makes a relationship like commitment and sex. And in reality, I let this happen myself, but I am also getting those same things out of it too. Kinda sad I know but it's kind of a 'better this than nothing' situation. Anyway I stopped doing this some time ago and have become a lot more assertive with what I want. My problem used to be that I was scared to let a girl know that I like her, only doing it in an indirect way. More recently I've gained a lot more confidence - I;ve no idea what has prompted the change - but I don;t really have a problem letting a girl know I like her and at least trying to kiss her should the situation arise.

Anyway, thanks again for the suggestions. I'm going to read them all a few more times and post some more again tomorrow.

McGinty

Most if not all of these nice guys come across as needy, emotionally immature and weak. They come across that way to other men. They make great friends for women as they act like their girlfriends or a gay friend, with the added bonus of unflinching adoration. They constantly put women they fancy on pedestals which most women feel uncomfortable with, or at least don't see as potential boyfriend traits.

Hi Op

Wibbs has provided some excellent advice, but I also though who wrote the above hit the nail on the head. As a woman I am extremely wary of men who harp on about being a nice guy, because in experience I have found these 'nice guys' to be very manipulative and overwhelming. I will give one example, I had a friend, who I intially met for a date, he seemed nice but I didn't click with him. I gave him a peck on the cheek at the end of the night but when he rang again to arrange a date I said thanks but no thanks, he got really upset about the fact I pecked him on the cheek, so I said to appease him we can be friends, he acted like the gay friend, and I found myself treating him with disrespect, now I deeply regret this but he was always trying to manipulate his way into my bed and as a girlfriend and I found I resented him, I never used him moneywise or anything like that, just felt resentful towards him. Eventually I put a halt to the friendship because it was stressing me so much as he was such a drain emotionally, well he practically stalked me for ages after but it worked and he is out of my life. He was in his own words 'a nice guy', a genuine guy and reading your post reminded me of him. I can imagine you give out waves of desperation even though you think you don't. I tried telling my friend this but he wouldn't listen. Since then if I met someone and they harp on about being a nice guy I head for the hills.
Incidentally Wibbs is right if a guy asks outright for sex or relationship I find that much more attractive.

Requiem4adream

Whoever said clothes +1.

Dont change who you are, but subtle changes can make the world of difference. Dress sharper. In a pub/club situation girls dont have personality to go on, so initial appearances are important. Dressing sharply, looking "brand new" as my mates say, is definitely a positive.

Go to a new place to get your hair cut. Even if you get the exact same cut done, a change cant do any harm.

In a club situation, if you're trying to pull, the best place is the bar. The amount of times i've got chatting to girls by just saying "you go ahead" when the barman is coming over to serve ya is unreal, it always provokes at least a "cheers!" i.e. conversation!!

There's no magic formula to instil confidence in yourself - but if you taken certain steps like dressing nicely, taking pride in your appearance etc if you're a more confident person in yourself then it'll be far easier to exude confidence and translate that to meeting new girls.

EDIT - Just to say that once you've met the girls, agree dont go overboard with the Mr Nice Guy. If you're a nice guy show that in your behaviour, always in context and within reason. The previous poster made tons of good points. +1

Wibbs

McGinty wrote: »

Wibbs has provided some excellent advice,

Born of moping into my pint wondering "why me?" in my early 20's.:D It didn't last long.

but I also though who wrote the above hit the nail on the head.

That would be me too. I'm on a roll.:D

OP read this very good advice and example from McGinty. It underlines it in a very honest way and it's what 99% of balanced women think even if they say they "love nice guys". Emotional nutjob women are another subset. Not to be pursued anyway. Life is too short.

As a woman I am extremely wary of men who harp on about being a nice guy, because in experience I have found these 'nice guys' to be very manipulative and overwhelming.

Exactly, you can feel they're doing exactly the same thing as the horndog types but being even more manipulative. Which they are. Horndogs are at least honest about their intentions.

I will give one example, I had a friend, who I intially met for a date, he seemed nice but I didn't click with him. I gave him a peck on the cheek at the end of the night but when he rang again to arrange a date I said thanks but no thanks, he got really upset about the fact I pecked him on the cheek, so I said to appease him we can be friends,

Read the last line. She pecked him on the cheek to appease him and more to the point to reduce the chances of him flipping out. The fact is women are more vulnerable than men in general and will try to appease weirdos in a different way to how a guy would.

A peck on the cheek should have given this idiot the clear message. But all too often nice guys have no clue about the obvious signals women give out, so they up their tactics, thinking they can fix this by making her see how great he is. She doesn't care by that point. Anything you do, other than growing a pair will make her uncomfortable and lose any respect she had for you. IE.

he acted like the gay friend, and I found myself treating him with disrespect, now I deeply regret this but he was always trying to manipulate his way into my bed and as a girlfriend and I found I resented him,

See what I mean? The more you try, the less she'll want you. Game over.

I never used him moneywise or anything like that, just felt resentful towards him.

Resentful does not attraction make.

He was in his own words 'a nice guy', a genuine guy

I have noticed that this is similar to those people who describe themselves as intelligent or funny. They never are. If you feel the need to describe yourself in good terms, then the chances are high that you're not what you think you are.

and reading your post reminded me of him.

The type is very common. I can imagine you give out waves of desperation even though you think you don't.

I tried telling my friend this but he wouldn't listen. Since then if I met someone and they harp on about being a nice guy I head for the hills.

Rightfully so. Even if the nice guy gets lucky and finds a girlfriend who looks beyond his emotional clumsiness, sooner or later she'll get bored of it and leave. It's not just a young guy thing either. I see this same mindset in guys in their 30's and even older guys inside relationships. The woman leaves and the guy can't figure why. Back to square one. Or the women stays and resents him more and more.

Incidentally Wibbs is right if a guy asks outright for sex or relationship I find that much more attractive.

Because it's honest and confident if nothing else, I would imagine.

Wibbs

MrSingle wrote: »

As I said I hate to list out all the ways in which I think I'm great, it's just to illustrate a point that isn't not the usual factors as far as I can see that are stopping me -

It rarely is.

I'm pretty sure it's my attitude towards women myself, which others have said - which is why I thought maybe a psychologist could help. There very may well be some blindingly obvious reason that I just can not see or understand about myself.

It's your attitude to women, that stems from your attitude to yourself and how you project that. I'm not so sure a shrink will help there. It may though.

I think I probably am going at it with an incorrect attitude. I am the stereotypical male constantly on the lookout for good looking girls and I probably do view them on whether they would make potential girlfriends. It's automatic, aren't most guys the same?

Yes they are and so are most women. Women want to get laid and have relationships too, but if they came out with that straight off the bat within minutes of meeting a guy, the chances of them getting that are slim(well maybe getting laid;)). See what I mean?

I probably idealise them too much. The quote "You're putting the pussy on a pedastal" from The 40 Year Old Virgin - has been mentioned before.

Again crude but has some merit. Newsflash, women are people too. Treat them accordingly. Learn the different ways they let you know whether they like you or not. They're pretty obvious about it.

Over the years I've had quite a few circumstances where I meet a girl, we get on very well but it never goes any further. But we do become very good friends, hang out loads and get very close. I think sometimes that I am almost like a 'fake boyfriend' to them - it's like I provide lots of the aspects of a relationship; someone to talk to, do things with, get close to and be affectionate with, yet not have any of the real stuff that makes a relationship like commitment and sex.

Grand if you're gay, another woman or want to add women friends to your social group. Not so good if you're looking for more.

And in reality, I let this happen myself, but I am also getting those same things out of it too. Kinda sad I know but it's kind of a 'better this than nothing' situation.

Yep and that smells, positively stinks of neddiness, desperation and weakness. NO fancy aftershave or clothes will cover that up.

Anyway I stopped doing this some time ago and have become a lot more assertive with what I want. My problem used to be that I was scared to let a girl know that I like her, only doing it in an indirect way. More recently I've gained a lot more confidence - I;ve no idea what has prompted the change - but I don;t really have a problem letting a girl know I like her and at least trying to kiss her should the situation arise.

The danger is that you're still not good at reading the signs women are giving you. You've gone from one extreme to the other. Now the new angle will get you more kissing action, but as you have seen it doesn't translate into anything more. Keep on that course though and try to see where you're going wrong.

acorntoast

acorntoast wrote:

Tbh 5'6 would never really be a problem for me, but 9 stone would. I know you're happy with it, but a straw poll of my female friends says this would be a deal breaker for them.

Odd, I personally like very skinny. I dont know where 9 stone puts the OP though.

Also wanting to say that a guy who calls themself a "nice guy" has me very wary, because they end up ranting about unwilling women and how stupid they are for not going out with said nice guy. That and they're doormats and possibly with all the personality of a brick.

Knowing what you want and knowing how to approach that isn't being a bastard, it's having a little self confidence and knowing yourself. And if you think that's being a bastard, it says a lot more about you than the people you're insulting.

LegacyUser

You are only complaining because you feel "being nice" to girls should be payed back with a relationship. I'm sorry, but this means you are fake nice. A truely nice guy would not feel he deserves something in return for being nice.

The problem is -

1. You act all nice. It probably eventually comes across as insincere.
2. You sound like you love youself.
3. You are a tiny, weedy man. Women do not want to be with tiny, weedy men.

Wibbs

thedudefromdub wrote: »

1. You act all nice. It probably eventually comes across as insincere.

Not eventually either. Within minutes I would say with most nice guys. Though in the OP's case, he's getting somewhere at first(probably due to "cool" crowd, good job, independent etc), but then he screws the pooch further in. At least OP, you have something to work on. Many nice guys don't even get that far and instead hug the edge of the dancefloor, cradling a pint wondering why "just being themselves" means they always go home alone. Just be yourself? Worst advice ever.

2. You sound like you love youself.

I would say he doesn't love and respect himself enough and translates that into how he treats others. If he respected himself and others he wouldn't be pulling this needy shíte.

3. You are a tiny, weedy man. Women do not want to be with tiny, weedy men.

Being a shortarse is the least of it. Being skinny is the least of it. Plenty of women dig one or both(bluewolf above likes skinny guys). They're not as visual as men, or at least the full package can make up for a short fall in the physical area. In the end they may go for tiny weedy men, but they won't always go for tall, strong boys(except when young).

If I had to sum up my long winded ramblings? Man good, boy bad. Figure out the diff plus show the diff equals more attraction for women.

LegacyUser

Can I suggest that you're thinking too much?
Assuming women want bastards/tall guys/muscles etc is really not very productive.

How on earth do smaller/skinny/nice guys end up in happy relationships if that's the case?

OP, you're in your late twenties. When you're younger, yes looks and a 'type' are important. Hell, I had a 'type' that I used to go for. None of those relationships worked out.

I had a particularly bad end to a relationship with a gorgeous, smart, witty bastard and was heartbroken to the point that I made a decision not to get involved with anyone for a while.

So I concentrated totally on myself. I took up interests and hobbies by myself and threw myself into them. I met some great new friends with ages ranging from teens to people in their forties. It was the best thing I ever did.

I was a year single and one day met a guy through work.
He wasn't my 'type' but he asked me out and I thought 'what the hell' and went out with him.
We've been together four years now and I love him to bits.
And yes, he's a nice guy. He's honest, he's sincere and he's kind. To me, he's one in a million and I wouldn't swap him for the world.

TBH as you get older the initial ritual of attracting a mate issue isn't as important. When you're 22, dressing to the nines, seeing the 'signals' and being the wittiest guy in the pub is all-important.

When you're that bit older, you tend to meet people via other routes - work, sports clubs, other hobbies. You get to know the person beyond the chat-up lines and trying to score a snog at the end of the night.

Would you consider getting out of the pub/club roundabout and concentrating on yourself? It can kill two birds with one stone - you're developing yourself and opening yourself up to meeting all kinds of people.

spinandscribble

op you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and that women "owe" you for being nice to them. i have plenty of male friends who are nice because we're "friends" nothing more. i can smell a guy just being nice and friendly for some action a mile off. the only friends i have that cant really lack confidence.

i DEFINATELY agree i respect guys who say they're b*sards more because you know what you're dealing with. i dont know you so i wouldnt call ya a b*stard but what you're doing seems pretty sneeky to me.

theres nothing less attractive then men who put women on pedastoes [sic]. it screams immaturity to me because any guy i know that does that falls in love every second week with such an array of women. wheres the chase? how can the woman feel special by you liking her? men who are constantly on the look out are just not attractive. you seem obessed and i'd bet that has alot to do with it.

i've gone with short guys, skinny guys, large guys. i've even been out with a guy that sounds a bit like you but once i realised he was playing nice instead of being nice that fizzed out. stop focusing on your looks, success and failures. think about something else besides women. start a new hobby.

dazberry

Wibbs wrote: »

Not eventually either. Within minutes I would say with most nice guys. Though in the OP's case, he's getting somewhere at first(probably due to "cool" crowd, good job, independent etc), but then he screws the pooch further in. At least OP, you have something to work on.

Well my take on it (and from bitter experience) is confidence. Being able to chat up the wimmins is not the same as having confidence, and most of the aforementioned bastids are really just people who have confidence enough in themselves - whether they are bastids beyond that is another issue.

Its difficult to admit to oneself that you are not confident - and you can often over compensate in other areas of your life in an attempt to make up for it - being confident in a job or being confident in your independence are not the same sort of confidences.

Lacking confidence can be the deal breaker because it can make you look not bothered, disinterested, even moody, or worse just not following thru' when you should do - the blowing hot and cold syndrome - under-confidence can also lead to over analysis.

OP, I do understand your frustrations because in my late 20s I could have written something similar to your original post. It is a tough time, especially if your friends are all getting into more serious relationships and settling down - everyones' life seems to be moving on except yours.

Try not to let if frustrate you - seriously - lifes too short - if you find yourself in your mid-30s and in the same boat - trust me - you won't actually care! The only thing that will bother you is your wimmin friends trying to feckin' matchmake. Enjoy your freedom - its priceless

D.

woolymammoth

i'm intentionally skipping over all the other posts, so apologies to anyone who has said this already, and even if you have i guess i'm just making a stronger argument.

i don't have a lot to say, just one point!

Friends Zone.

It's a simple fact of life, and a situation everyone gets themselves into once in a while, even if they don't want to. My advice to you O/P, recognise when you're approaching the friends zone! And if you are, go for broke, tell her you're not interested in being "just friends". You don't have to stop being who you are, but you do have to stand up for what you want. Any decent person will appreciate you just being honest with them about how you feel, so you're not being a prick, nor are you denying yourself any opportunity, and you can put it behind you and say you tried!

but thats just my two cents! i hope it helps ya, but feck knows, i could be wrong either!

LegacyUser

MrSingle wrote: »

I
I almost feel like I will NEVER have what is such a normal thing for most people - a girlfriend.

Any ideas you guys would have would be helpful.
Thanks

Erm, sorry to bust in on this post so late. And although I feel Wibbs has put up some very insightful, mature and wise answers and may be far better to advise you, being of the same sex, as a woman I just wanted to give my own view. "Such a normal thing" for people, as you put it...normal, and everyday, and six million to the dozen, yes, there are many many guys with girlfriends, and people in relationships out there, but not necessarily happy ones or ones they're suited to. And why do you feel pressured into having one anyway? We're not born with a god given right to a realtionship, and kids, and happy ever after bla... In my opinion there are times when a relationship comes along to nurture you and aid your growth and give you sex and fun and laughs and all that nice stuff, but the world doesn't owe you it. From one who knows the loneliness and solitude of being single (and preferring the companionship and warmth of being with the right person at the right time) I sympathise with your frustration. But I'm going to say very similar to what a lot of other people have said on this post... it sounds like you need it and expect it too much. There are plenty of lovely, normal and balanced people out there who would like to be in a relationship too but they're not as self scrutinising as to begin thinking there's something wrong with them because they're single right now.Is it because maybe it's January and you're being too introspective? You sound decent enough, but lighten up on yourself would be my advice. Watch some comedies, and have a laugh about life. You are lacking something that you can actually provide to yourself (No Pam jokes, pull eeez, I'm not being facetious) and you can put yourself in a much better position to meet someone and fall in love, that would be to start loving yourself a bit more. Ah sorry to sound all Dalai Lama like but it's a cliche cos it's true. I would also ay off hanging your hopes on meeting people in clubs too, it sounds like you're meeting all the wrong girls to be honest. And as for the advice about "coming accross more confident" and dressing snappier etc. from others on this post...in my opinion maybe that's what some younger people judge you on but more mature girlies and lads don't. I've recently met one of the shyest guys I ever have and am happier with him than I ever was with the more seemingly "confident" ones. When you truly see into someone, when you really click with someone, none of the clothes, chat up lines, or witticisms is relevant in the slightest. Sadly it happens rarely in clubs, but you may get lucky. I wish you loads of luck but I would hate for you to pay attention to all of the b-sh*t about appearances and lines. If you keep it real and from you, you should be coming accross as genuine enough. Good Luck with it. And remember, just because it seems like everyone else is happy with their girl /boyfriends because you are looking at the hole you see within you...no one just magically becomes complete when they get a partner...yes, they get laid, and hugs, and it all helps, and especially if you really fit with someone well...but it's ongoing growth of two individuals and it's not the be all and end all. Sorry this is so long and hope it's not too lecturey school teachery-ish!!

Son_of_Belial

Likewise, continue to spend time with your mates, try and adopt a more carefree attitude and it WILL happen for you. Don't see every night out as a failure just because you haven't scored/arranged a date.

Hear hear! If you're getting really bothered about it, you could try something like Speed Dating or http://www.plentyoffish.com

estar

first of all life isnt about fitting pieces into a jigsaw. i am in my late twenties so i must have a girlfriend because i dont want to be weird. i am trying different tricks to get girls - nice / bastard.

to have a relationship with a girl you first must start one with yourself.
who are you, what are you about, what do you have to offer?
what turns you on, what doesnt. seeing a psychologist is not going to
fix you. you are you. it can help you know yourself. it can help you accept yourself. it can give you skills to cope with life.


just be yourself. put yourself in situations and put yourself out there to meet people, parties, dating events, online. but just be yourself. relax. it will happen in time, if you are friendly, polite, and offer something to people
that they like. friendship. complements. interesting facts. surprises. at an non threatening pace.

you cannot just go around trying to acquire a girlfriend. usually what happens is that you meet a person that you want to share time with.
relax into your life and enjoy it as it is before you invite someone into it.

estar

i bet you go for looks first and personality second

i dont know why i think this, but i bet im right.

unless you are as shallow as a saucer, as im sure lots of people
are and if it works for them, fine, this is not going to work at making you happy.

you are obviously a good companion if you have female friends.
but the only reason you seem to be friends with them is either
practice, or to get it on.

just be yourself and stop going around trying to be the right person
or do the right thing. seriously you sound like you are observing yourself
from a distance rather than feeling anything at all or being yourself.

i dont mean to sound mean.

btw lots of people who play quake have girlfriends. lots of spotty nerds
have girlfriends. lots of 9 stone men have girlfriends.

i saw a programme on tv the other day and a man that weighed a tonne
and was bed ridden had a girlfriend.

its not about looks, your car, your job, your parents, your tie, the size of your wallet, your tricks, your lines, your height.

its about relaxing, enjoying being yourself, insisting on being yourself and finding people who like you as yourself. some people find this
easy. people naturally gravitate towards them. usually because they truly
like themselves. they are at ease, and put other people at ease. they make other people feel good around them. and about themselves.

instead of worrying so much about whether or not a girl is going to
be whatever just relax and enjoy the moment. chat, make her laugh, and dont expect anything back, and find someone who likes you for you.