Breakup Help

LolaJJ

OK so me and my ex-boyfriend were together just over 2 years, very like minded people, we got on well, appreciated similar things. I'm 27 and he's 24 and seeing as he is still in full time education and me in full time work it means we want different things right now.

The relationship started out with the best of intentions, we both went in very innocently - at the time all we wanted was each other but as time went on life got in the way.

So, eventually full on reality kicked in and the actual prospect of us being able to take the natural progressions in our relationship....i.e- move in together or get engaged. Well, they were too overwhelming to talk about. I didn't want to put him under any pressure but it got the better of us and after a few long dragged out months of tension he finally took the reins and decided we were done.

It was a hard knock as it felt like we were suited in every way other than our age and situation. There was talk of getting back together in the future but we've agreed not to "wait" as anything can happen.

I have maintained an ok front, besides a few occasions where i temporarily misplaced my dignity as you do! As the break up was his choice more than mine, and I would have been willing to try again it happened but I have come around now

However, I don't want to fall out with him but he seems to want to keep our close friendship, i find this hard as I would like the opportunity to move on. He's taken me for lunch and asked me to accompany him to social events. It just feels wrong.

I find it hard to say no or stop as I do love him.

So, what should I do? Be rude? when I deeply enjoy seeing him!

Its hard, he says he doesn't love me anymore but he won't say away, we've agreed to do "zero contact" several times but i always hear from him within days.

Is this normal?

spinandscribble

he still has feelings for you but he knows you shouldnt be together. can i ask why you have to get married/move in/nothing? he's still in college and only 24. it sounds like you pressured him and thats why you split...

the healthiest thing to do is cut contact. you still love him but he's more over you then vice versa. it'll cut you up when he starts going out with new women or talks to you about women. be stronger and simply delete his number.

LolaJJ

I'm not sure I put pressure on him. I was quite aware of his age etc. I would happpily have waited. I just think you get to a point in a relationship where u should live together. It felt like we should move in together - we looked for a place in September but there was no where suitable within our price rang. He has plans to move to the UK next year when he graduates and I wouldn't have wanted to abandon my career here.

It felt as though things were going to get harder instead of easier, we had been argueing and I think the break up was inevitable, I get why nity happened, but I still feel VERY attached to him and wondered whats the normal answer to a question of not wanting to offend someone you care about by turning ur back on them

21stone

i agree with above

cut all contact as he seems to want his cake and eat it

i had that b4 and a compete break was needed

spinandscribble

you want different things from life and you were both unwilling to move for the sake of the other.

theres nothing wrong with that but it gives you a good idea that you werent meant to be.

move on. theres really only one way to go with this: you cut all contact. expect angry hurt winey txts/calls but dont enter into a conversion.

LolaJJ

Yeah, exactly like you said, the thought of still being around when he moves on to someone else is horrible.

I've tried to cut contact before, like just not replying etc and he's got really agro with me. He feels like he's given me the best break up ever, like hes answered all my questions relating to it and been on the end of the phone if i needed him.

He sort of acts like I'm ungrateful when i don't reply or ignore his calls, and I feel that way too.

Miss Fluff

LolaJJ wrote: »

I'm not sure I put pressure on him. I was quite aware of his age etc. I would happpily have waited. I just think you get to a point in a relationship where u should live together. It felt like we should move in together - we looked for a place in September but there was no where suitable within our price rang.

He's still a student though!!:eek:Sorry, but sounds like you put the poor bloke under pressure.

In answer to your post, tell him you want a clean break. And be firm about it.

LolaJJ

Yea, ok, um I so didn't put pressure on him, even when we were going to move in together it was to facilitate him more than me and it was me who said to forget the idea.

I'm not sure where that vibe is coming from, i totally understand the reasons for our break up, it's the aftermath i need advice on.

spinandscribble

LolaJJ wrote: »

Yeah, exactly like you said, the thought of still being around when he moves on to someone else is horrible.

I've tried to cut contact before, like just not replying etc and he's got really agro with me. He feels like he's given me the best break up ever, like hes answered all my questions relating to it and been on the end of the phone if i needed him.

He sort of acts like I'm ungrateful when i don't reply or ignore his calls, and I feel that way too.

wow you have no idea how much this sounds like a friends ex. listen you do NOT need to feel grateful for his contact or his willingness to prolong this with constant phonecalls going over what went wrong.

in fact you should resent him not listening to you and accepting your decision to move on.

Miss Fluff

Miss Fluff wrote: »

In answer to your post, tell him you want a clean break. And be firm about it.

As above

spinandscribble

i understand you moving in together. hell i was only a year with my bf and then we moved in together at the ages of 19/20. it just happened though.
tbh i dont think you pressured him, like you said neither of you were willing to move ect..

Crash

LolaJJ wrote: »

II just think you get to a point in a relationship where u should live together. It felt like we should move in together - we looked for a place in September but there was no where suitable within our price rang. He has plans to move to the UK next year when he graduates and I wouldn't have wanted to abandon my career here.

Sorry, you have no problem with feeling there is a point where you need to move in together if you're in a relationship, yet have issues with moving to the UK and abandoning a career here?

I can understand having issues with moving to another country etc. with an other half, but at the same time as that expecting them to move in, you're being exceptionally unreasonable. Really, how do you see an even balance out of that one?

spinandscribble

theres a big difference there and besides the op did say they BOTH wanted to move in together but due to price ect SHE called it off.

LolaJJ

Um yeah, it almost happened, but obviously now I'm glad that it didn't. I don't think it would have fixed anything.

I mean the core reasons for our break up are the ones that have already been outlined. There are other issues also, he has lots of friends but is not close to anyone, he is an only child and is not hugely in to drinking or socialising so ends up quite isolated at times, he gets lonely so I really do hate to turn my back on him.

There's other things too that drove us apart, 2 years together and I picked him up and dropped him home to his house hundreds of times but he never introduced me too his mum, he says he regrets it now - he found it too hard, but sometimes I feel like if he had just done that, I would have been able to relax in us and many of our issues would never have arisen.

Anyway that's neither here nore there.

He gets depressed this time of year, his dad died in Jan a few years ago also, so ignoring his messages makes me feel like the wicked witch of the west, I don't want to leave him alone and isolated.

I spose it's what he wanted

LolaJJ

spinandscribble wrote: »

theres a big difference there and besides the op did say they BOTH wanted to move in together but due to price ect SHE called it off.

Yeah thanks.

It felt like moving in was a natural progression, but due to practicalities it wasn't feasible.

I was just highlighting the fact that it was my call not to do it because someone was stating I put him under pressure.

I was not willing to move to the UK, which highlights the different directions we were taking in life.

Again, I have no issue with why we broke up, it's just dealing with the aftermath thats difficult

spinandscribble

it seems to be all about what he wants. everyones got problems but you're not his gf anymore and dont owe him anything anymore. i think you know your relationship wasnt right. he shouldnt be so dependant on you. tbh he wants you at his beck and call (ie. there whenever he needs you) like a gf but free to date others.

how long ago did you break up??

LolaJJ

spinandscribble wrote: »

it seems to be all about what he wants. everyones got problems but you're not his gf anymore and dont owe him anything anymore. i think you know your relationship wasnt right. he shouldnt be so dependant on you. tbh he wants you at his beck and call (ie. there whenever he needs you) like a gf but free to date others.

how long ago did you break up??

Late October, 2 months ago. I think your right, it's just finding the right words.

Genuinely, I care about him. I'd hate for us to go our separate way hating eachother but everytime i try nicely to get him to stop contacting me he gets really upset and he's very convincing in tellling me all the reasons I'm being unreasonable, he isn't able to see it any other way.

A good example is last weekend, he called me at 4 in the morning because some of his friends had upset him and he needed reasssurance, he stayed on the phone till he fell asleep. He apologised the next day - I was really understanding but asked if we could go back to no contact for a bit he agreed and said

"I'll leave you alone for another while now"

I just don't think he has any intentions of walking away at all long-term. I've tried to explain it's not helping anyone but it's like banging my head off a wall. He always comes around then 3 days later I've another message.

I know I would give my friends the same advice - just move on, forget it, but it's a lot easier to say than do

spinandscribble

you're right but you need to take a stand and thats all you can do. there is no other desirable option.

you *could* hold on, be there for him ect, hoping somehow it'll work out and someday ring him for reassurance at four in the morning, much like you would if something happened, to be told to leave him alone as the new girlfriend is there now and he doesnt need you or *you're* over stepping the mark.

or how about you meet some great guy but he's warned off because you're still very close to a ex? that happened to me except he wasnt a great guy so i got lucky i guess lol

its not going to be easy. in most cases i've seen, the person in your situation wont be able to let go and stand up until the ex hooks up with another person. even then some fail.

Toots

Tough situation, but ur going to have to be firm with him. Tell him that you need to have a period of no-contact for a couple of months, as you need to get your head (and heart) sorted out after your breakup. If he really cares about you as a friend he'll respect that.(IMHO, it sounds like he's a little unsure of whether he really wants to be broken up with you)

Explain that you do want to maintain a friendly relationship with him but that at the moment it's just too soon, and you find it very hard accompanying him to social events (I'm assuming you're going with him as his 'date'). Going out to lunch doesn't sound so bad, but maybe wait a while until you feel things have calmed down.

My best advice would be to get yourself out there and meet a nice guy, he may back off a little once he sees you've moved on.

MIN2511

LolaJJ i can actually relate to your problem. I was with the ex for 5 yrs, he's older but i am more matured. We didn't live together but he was at mine weeks on. I made sure his bills and rents were paid and on time (his money), cooked, cleaned did the whole lot... Something rings to mind, is he close with his mum? My ex wasn't so i felt he was running to me for advice or shoulder to cry on. Once i went on a date with a guy and my ex rang me that he was sick, i left the guy to go take care of him (stupid me). He has a gf now, but still insists on talking to me everyday. It's hard for me to move on as i want things in life, he's moving to the UK next year and i can't wait. Cause then i would have a break
Sorry about the long text, i know how hard it is to let go. Maybe when next he suggests meeting up you should tell him you have a date.. or too busy to stay on the phone long, don't ring him back for days. If he tries to blackmail you emotionally tell him you understand how he feels but he should be considerate about how you feel and the need to move on for both of you.
All the best and keep us posted!

LolaJJ

Thanks everyone..

MIN2511 - You know that sounds exactly like what would happen with us!?

There was a week or so where he really seemed to understand the no contact thing, then, the night of my work Christmas party - which he knew i'd been looking forward too he started texting me at 3 or 4 in the morning. I was a little bit dismissive as I was still having a great night and didn't want to bring myself down. I put my phone in my handbag, then when i was going to bed - at 6am (Very good night ) I had like 5 new messages telling me i was making a fool of him and how could i read his messages and not reply. I tried to call him then but his phone was off, it really killed my night.

No, he's not close to his mother at all, he's really not close to anyone only me, I was his first serious relationship too so there's some things he's only ever discussed with me.

I think your right, i'll tell him i want to be his friend but i need a lot of time.

Hopefully i'll have some goood updates for y'all

corcaighcailin9

Hey OP bummer he ruined your xmas party, shame on him :-) I just wanna add my advice that I think you'd be well rid of this guy. He seems so selfish, like the others said about having his cake and eating it too. If he's moving away next year then ye would probably end up breaking up anyway as you don't want to leave. You don't have to be at his his beck and call anymore; you're no longer his gf. I think it's prob too soon to think about being his friend I mean it's all take on his part - what will you gain from him? He's needs to gain some independence from you and you need to start enjoying your life. He prob wont take it too well but he'll eventually realise that you are right. You both need to move on.
Good luck, I know this must be hard.

LolaJJ

Thanks...it's funny, initially I was like "Why do you think he's selfish?" I think when your so used to putting someone else first you'd nearly rather do that than even try and work out what your own needs are.

The really ironic thing is that whenever it does get heated he is always saying "It's not all about you you know"

I feel better armed now at least I can recognise it

spinandscribble

if you must change your number once you've told him that has to be it.

LolaJJ

TBH changing my number would be a real last resort for me... Ive had the same number since I was 18 and i use it a lot for work....i can't see it getting that bad

BeardyGit

I'm pretty sure you can call your mobile operator and ask them to bar all texts from his number. You can configure your phone to bar incoming calls.

Tell him you want him to leave you alone until you contact him. Make no bones about this - It MUST be on your terms or you'll always be treated like his lap dog. Then bar his number....

LolaJJ

Yea, i might look in to call barring...if it gets to that - thanks Gil

spinandscribble

if you cannot muster the will power to not answer his txtx/calls then you really should bar his calls.