My father is having an affair...what should I do?

mel_m

I just discovered today that my father is having an affair, but he doesn't know. I have had my suspicions for a few years now but never had any evidence other than 'a feeling'. My father has always been very secretive about his mobile, rarely leaving it and deleting all his messages. However I have been aware that he has been looking at porn on his computer, which is fine, men will be men. But I became aware that it was swinging he was into- new situation, that effects my mother who I believe is completely unaware. This distrust has caused relationship with my father to fall apart, and I finally needed to know if my mother was aware. If so then they are adults they can do as they please, at 20 I am at uni four hours away for most of the year.

Today for the first time in a very long while my father left his computer on whilst he and my mother were out. So I had a look at the internet history, saw alot of stuff i wish I hadnt but nothing suggesting an actual affair. Until I found a chatroom address, to which my father was registered. Things got worse as his login name, was a combination of his name and that of a female family friend (also married). Entering the sight, I saw pictures of the woman I have known my whole life, whose xmas presents are currently underneath our chrismtas tree, that I wish I had never seen. And messages informing other users to call if they ever visit the country. This prompted me to check his emails to her, none of which were highly incriminating, only mildly flirtations, mentions of testing out a new skype account, someone being upstairs in the house (suggesting secrecy).

Sorry for the long explaination but I think the facts are important, I am now in a dilema, I had intended to ensure my mothers safety, I am now faced with the prospect of ruining her marriage. To add insult to injury, in a conversation a few years ago my mother and I both said we thought that this woman and my dad may have been having an affair. I snooped it was my own fault, but at the end of the day, I have a responsibility. Do I confront my father? Considering what I know about his sexual preferences that could be awkward. Do I tell my mother? What responsibility do I have to the other womans husband?

Baring in mind it is 3 days until christmas and a few days into the new year I go back to my final year of uni, exams and coursework. But how can I face the next few days with a man I know is betraying my mother? Can anyone help?

MagicMarker

I can't really offer too much advice because i honestly don't know what i'd do in the situation.

But i would say try and keep this to yourself until after xmas, especially if you have any younger siblings. If you do anything now then your family will remember it every xmas for the rest of their lives.

MIN2511

wow, this is heavy news.

1st take a deep breadth and think about everything
1. He's is still your father, whether or not this ends up in a divorce (if you tell your mum) and only you can decide that.
2. Most people here would tell you to tell your mum, is there an aunt or close family friend (older) that you can confide in. That might know what kind of reaction your mum would have if she is told.
3. She might hate you for telling her, she may have suspected but did nothing about it.
4. She might be grateful to you too
This is really a dilemma for you.. I am so sorry, my dad cheated on my mum a couple of times and it was horrible. She didn't leave him, because of us but i always thought she should have followed her heart not her head.
I am sorry if this doesn't help much but i think you should talk to someone older an aunt, your mum's best friend someone that knows your family.
All the best! Keep us posted

biko

Do you think anyone involved will thank you for bringing this into the light?

mel_m

Whatever I do I don't plan on acting before christmas, maybe with the exception of talking to my father. If I have suffer at christmas for his actions why shouldnt he? I am very angry but I would never want anything to disrupt my mothers christmas. I have no younger siblings, only a half sister, 9 years older from a previous marriage of my father (my mother is his third wife). I have considered confiding in her, as we are close, but am not sure her loyalties to my mother (even though my mother was not the cause of the divorce) also I am not sure that my mother would want other family members to know before she did. I have no other relatives, no grandparents, or aunts/uncles.

In response to the question to I think anyone will thank me?
No, I don't and sa bad as my relationship with my father is, my mother loves him, and relies on him greatly. I can't imagine she would divorce him, or ever saw herself being alone in later life. But at the same time would she thank me for not telling her? I have spent my whole life admiring my mother for her strength and wisdom, now it might be my turn to have strength to speak the truth. The other woman, as been in my house for dinner more times than I can imagine, they have been on holidays together, if she doesnt know, she should. Noone should get away with walking all over someone like that, doing those things behind their backs.

Thanks for the advice, xXx

Podge2k7

Talk to him,and find out if its true!

aidan24326

mel_m wrote: »

Until I found a chatroom address, to which my father was registered. Things got worse as his login name, was a combination of his name and that of a female family friend (also married). Entering the sight, I saw pictures of the woman I have known my whole life, whose xmas presents are currently underneath our chrismtas tree, that I wish I had never seen. And messages informing other users to call if they ever visit the country. This prompted me to check his emails to her, none of which were highly incriminating, only mildly flirtations, mentions of testing out a new skype account, someone being upstairs in the house (suggesting secrecy)

You know there isn't really anything here that proves an affair. Raises suspicions yes, but no proof or at least not from what you've posted. A few pictures, a chatroom, mild flirtations? I mean was there anything in there that would constitute more solid evidence of an actual affair, rather than just two people having a bit of a flirtation (not that I'm saying the flirtation is fine, but a full-blown affair is still a whole other ball game)

Baring in mind it is 3 days until christmas and a few days into the new year I go back to my final year of uni, exams and coursework. But how can I face the next few days with a man I know is betraying my mother? Can anyone help?

It appears he is betraying her but like I said you don't seem to have much proof of what he has or hasn't been doing so tread carefully here. Just because he has been in swinging chatrooms and the like doesn't automatically mean he's followed through on it.

Admittedly it all looks highly suspicious. But be wary of steaming in and telling your mother straight off. Perhaps you should confront your dad about it first. You may have been wrong to go snooping, but I don't think he's in much of a position to be the one giving out here. Tell him what you know and gauge his reaction. You'll know if he's guilty or not. He may admit to it if you push him.

If your worst suspicions are proven to be true then it's difficult to know what to do next. Your mother deserves to know if he's screwing around but do you want to be the one to tell her? The bearer of the news isn't always thanked for their intervention in these situations, so it's an awkward spot to be in. All the best.

MIN2511

mel m
Your dad has been married 3 times already... hmm... that speaks for everythimg.. I say tell her, she knows the man she married
Hope am not jumping into conclusions

Lemming

mel_m wrote: »

I am now in a dilema, I had intended to ensure my mothers safety, I am now faced with the prospect of ruining her marriage. To add insult to injury, in a conversation a few years ago my mother and I both said we thought that this woman and my dad may have been having an affair. I snooped it was my own fault, but at the end of the day, I have a responsibility. Do I confront my father? Considering what I know about his sexual preferences that could be awkward. Do I tell my mother? What responsibility do I have to the other womans husband?

Baring in mind it is 3 days until christmas and a few days into the new year I go back to my final year of uni, exams and coursework. But how can I face the next few days with a man I know is betraying my mother? Can anyone help?

This entire discussion (I've cut it down to the last part because that's what I think is really relevant here) reads like it is about assuaging your guilt - your dilemma - not helping anybody else. You brought this down upon yourself by snooping into something that was really none of your business (it is the business of your parents only. end. of.) and now you will have to live with whatever consequences arise from it.

But whatever you do, nobody is going to thank you for dragging this into the open. And assuming that your parents do not have some sort of open arrangement between themselves and/or this other couple, you will be destroying one and possibly two marriages. If there is some sort of swinging arrangement, you will create some incredible embarrassment which will linger in your interactions with any of these people long after any confrontation and whatever trust exists now will not do so any longer.

Assuming of course that there is an affair going on.

I'm not going to tell you to either keep your mouth closed or go tell someone, that's your own choice. Personally, I do not envy you whatever way this works out.

Einstein

personally I feel that if you were to do anything, you should confront your father. As upsetting as it is, your mum deserves to hear the truth from your dad. If it's a case that it is actually true, yet your dad denies everything even with any evidence that you present to him, he'll know that his cover is blown.

I do feel that you have 100% reason to question your dad, but I wouldn't tell your mother, it would be very hard not knowing exact facts etc...

just my 0.02

D

Oryx

Did you ever hear the phrase about shooting the messenger? As in the bearer of bad news gets it, even though they are not the cause? I really feel this would not turn out well for you, even if you are in the right here, and your dad is messing about. You will have brought the whole sorry mess out, and even if its not your fault, people wont forget that.

You asked if you have a responsibility to do something about this. I actually think you dont. All these people are adults. You may not agree with how they are living, but its not your business, really. I understand you feel responsible for your mother, but you are not. You may care but is interfering here being caring? Maybe shes living in a deliberate contrived ignorance, how would you know?

And the crux of the matter is youre not really sure what your dad is doing. Your guessing, even if it seems plain what hes up to, you dont know for certain. Not enough to drop this bomb anyway.

Talk to your dad if you must, but other than that, Id say let them sort their own mess out.

Carrigart Exile

so far all you know is that this woman is baring her assets to all and sundry including your father. The last thing you should do is tell your mother he is having an affair; however, I would certainly tell your dad he left his website on and you saw 'auntie' whatshername.

wanabehome

MIN2511 wrote: »

mel m
Your dad has been married 3 times already... hmm... that speaks for everythimg.. I say tell her, she knows the man she married
Hope am not jumping into conclusions

I agree I am sure she suspects something's going on too.
Better to confront him and don't let him persuade you to keep it 'your little secret' as some men do that.He may say he wants to tell your mother himself and keep putting it off,while carrying on the affair,as soon as you notice this pattern just tell your mom and get it over with.
Honestly ur mom would be grateful especially if his previous marriages were ended because of him being unfaithful,it would be no shocker.
It's up to them to work it through or end the marriage.

LegacyUser

Hey,

Sorry to hear about your problem. I was in the same position in the past. Its not nice at all. I knew for four years before my mother confided in me that she suspected my dad was having an affair. I was just after finishing my leaving and away, where I wasn't in a position to be there for her. It was and still is a messy situation. I never said that I suspected because that'd hurt my mother. She was and still is extremely hurt by the whole episode as you can imagine. Seven years later the hurt hasn't stopped. I couldn't prevent her finding out but if I could I would.

However in your case IF your parents are getting on well aside from the obvious problem contrary to what most people above are saying above say nothing. This may sound callous but if you do you will be given some of the blame as you knew for a while and said nothing. This probably wont make sense to someone who isn't in your situation but hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say. I don't want to post my name so that I cant be identified.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever action you decide to take.

jos28

If it was me I don't think I would cause a major confrontation at Christmas. It will be difficult but keep this to yourself for now. I imagine your Mam has her suspicions. I would bide my time and then some day soon if the opportunity arises I would try and find out your Mam's view of how things are going between herself and your Dad. Steer the conversation around and gently tell her what you have seen and let her draw her own conclusions.You will probably be confirming what she already suspects.

The_Conductor

What your father and your mother get up to, is entirely their business. It is not your place to bring your father's indescresions to the attention of your mother. You will not be thanked for it. You have no idea whether your mother is aware of the situation or not- nor do you have any business knowing this. You should not be snooping around your father's computer- you are nosing into things that simply are none of your business. Your mother probably will find out, if she has not done so already- let her find out of her own accord.

mel_m

My guilt in this whole matter is not something I deny...go looking and most likely you'll find something you wish you hadnt. My snooping wasnt just for the sheer hell of stiring up trouble. My previous suspicious were all caused by things I neither instigated nor asked to know, although for this final nail in the coffin the blame lies at my feet. However no matter how I came by the information, I now know it.

Thank you all so much for all your advice, it is so useful to hear other people's opinions on the matter, objectivity is valuable.

At the moment, I'm going to try and forget it. Nothing can or should be done now. As many people have said, everything I know is pretty suggestive but nothing actual, my dad has always been a flirt. I think if/when I do anything I will talk to my dad first, I know it sounds unlikely but he is a decent guy and does love my mother, so I can find out from him. I dont think he would risk lying coz he knows that I would tell my mum if i thought i have to. Everyone's sex life is there own business, rich coming from the girl who has been investigating her own father, but its true. So if it is the case that they practice an open marriage, are into swinging whatever, my mother will never know that I know. My dad has been pretty careless in the past, so a certain knowlegde of his sex life I already had, but i dont think my mother would find out on her own, but if all is innocent then the subject will be over. If he lies or admits then I will talk to him about what he plans to do. My parents are strong and I reckon, and pray they would survive that.

I can only hope that I wont get blamed but its a risk I might just have to take, if my dad angry gets its most likely for getting caught and if my mother gets angry it will be either misguided anger at my father or its because I alerted her to something she wanted to remain ignorant of, but hopeful she will see that I love her and was trying to help her.

If only I had written my christmas list a little later this year, I could ask for a happy ending. Please keep responding if anyone has been in a similar situation/has some advice, and thanks to everyone who has posted, the kindness of strangers, eh? Merry Christmas...xXx

l3LoWnA

..........Hi Mel!

I was in teh same situation. I suspected my father and my mothers "best friend" were having an affair for years. I didn't want to know about it, or snoop or anything, but I just knew....to me, it was obvious. Eventually, I caught them (locked into our house, down in a bedroom etc) and he denied everything. I said nothing. I never had to. When my mother was ready to open her eyes (I believe it was so obvious she was actually in denial all along, possibly not, but it was very obvious) and face what was going on, she hersef snooped. She followed him one night and found the two of them in a car together (steamed up windows etc) I was 18 at the time, but I'd known about the affair from when I was about 12.

She left my father.... for a week. They got back together, the affair continued and about two years later I found a phone that none of us knew my father even had (he was totally not the type to even own ONE mobile phone, he hated the things, and here was a phone he owned, on the sly that none of his family knew about) with texts from the same "best friend" of my mother, who was also my friends mother saying how she loved him etc. My mother was away at the time and I didn't want to be involved, so I let my older brother handle it and he met my mother at the airport (she'd been in the UK for the weekend) and gave her the phone etc. She left my father again....for another week :rolleyes:

That was about 5 years ago. They're still together and probably always will be. I still suspect my father is still playing away from home and I'm sure my mother does suspect that or else shes absolutely blind to it all (they're together since my mother was about 13 or 14 so she's possibly naive when it comes to love & men and way too trusting, even though she's 54 now! Maybe she just wants a life-companion and knows he'll lose his appeal with other women soon....hehe)

Basically, as much as you love your mum etc and don't want to hurt her, if she's oblivious to it at the moment or not facing up to it, I wouldn't go telling her. Of course, that's just my opinion. For your own sake, at least you get to disappear to college and suspecting him 24/7 won't be eating away at you like it was me all through my teens.

Do whatever you feel is right, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders anyways, try to do whatever you think will be best for your Mother aswell. Sometimes ignorance is bliss in matters like this, as ridiculous as that sounds, my mother is pretty happy to go on married to my father, who betrayed her over and over and over again in the worst way possible. Each to their own I suppose. What kills me is I don't think I'll ever trust a man 100% myself after seeing what can and does go on from the people that you'd least expect it. Absolutely no-body would ever believe my father would be capable of what he is capable of.

axer

Lemming wrote: »

This entire discussion (I've cut it down to the last part because that's what I think is really relevant here) reads like it is about assuaging your guilt - your dilemma - not helping anybody else. You brought this down upon yourself by snooping into something that was really none of your business (it is the business of your parents only. end. of.) and now you will have to live with whatever consequences arise from it.

That is not fair. Of course it is the children's business as infidelity will lead to huge problems that WILL effect the children. I am sure the OP loves his/her mother and wants to protect her which is what is to be expected.

OP: as many have said before the messenger can end up the "bad" person even though they are doing right so bear that in mind. Good luck - you must decide what you want to do.