Feel like I'm missing out ...

LegacyUser

To keep it simple:
I'm now 27, and before I met my girlfriend (ages 22 to 26) I used to be quite socially active, and loved meeting lots of new people all the time.

I'm a musician and play trad and some other stuff, and I enjoyed straying around the place finding random sessions, meeting random new people, going to various festivals and making new contacts with people from different countries/backgrounds, having the craic, having wild late night sessions in the pubs or on the street... and early morning sessions playing music on the beach (?).. etc..

I don't drink or do drugs, so this was my whole social outlet.. pretty much.

My gf is not a musician. She prefers to socialise with people who are close to her, and likes to go out to a set location, with a set group of people, and stay with them for the whole night. This is what most people do (from what I gather) so maybe I'm a bit weird. Since I've met her, social occasions have boiled down do; going to the pub with people who both she and I know. Or going to places that we know.

I hardly ever play music sessions anymore. Every now and again I see all the old gang on bebo with photos from festivals and sessions which are going on, and I feel.... to be honest, I feel like I'm missing out.

It that a terrible thing?

I love her very much. We get on great... but I've tried to bring her along to sessions before, and she is a little bit shy with new people, so I sense that she feels somewhat out of place. Somebody once said to me "make sure you find a partner who fits into your lifestlye"... and that made me think a bit...

we've solved this a couple of times by getting her to bring a friend along, but this is difficult to organise and so far (in nearly 2 years) has only happened twice. She is prepared to let me go off and do my thing, and she supports me... but I'm just not finding the time. I love spending time with her, and I know she'd feel lonely if I went away for a weekend (we only see each other at weekends). And thus, I'm feeling a little bit torn and feel like "should I be sacrificing everything for this relationship?".

I don't think she will ever be able to share my sense of adventure. She likes things to be organised, planned... hopping to another pub halfway through the night is a big deal to her!! She likes to be with peope who she knows well, and sometimes feels uncomfortable around strangers. I'm the opposite in some ways...

any advice is much appreciated!

sunnyjim

Dude, you'll only resent her if you don't do your thing. Get out there and hit the wild sessions, just make sure you spare some time for her.

Seriously, don't let such a big part of your life just drop like that!

cowzerp

sunnyjim wrote: »

Dude, you'll only resent her if you don't do your thing. Get out there and hit the wild sessions, just make sure you spare some time for her.

Seriously, don't let such a big part of your life just drop like that!

great advice.

MagicMarker

If she's not actively stopping your from doing what you always did, then what's your problem?

This is all your problem, not hers. She's made the effort to go with you but felt uncomfortable. She can't change how she likes things and you can't turn her into an adventurer. Just like she can't do the opposite to you.

Go and do what you want, you're girlfriend will go and do what she wants and you can meet somewhere in the middle.

K_P

Agreed. You'd have yourself a much bigger problem if she was stopping you from going off and doing your thing. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Who knows, when she sees you getting into the music again, she might be a bit more open to getting involved.

muboop1

Muso23 wrote: »

To keep it simple:
I'm now 27, and before I met my girlfriend (ages 22 to 26) I used to be quite socially active, and loved meeting lots of new people all the time.

I'm a musician and play trad and some other stuff, and I enjoyed straying around the place finding random sessions, meeting random new people, going to various festivals and making new contacts with people from different countries/backgrounds, having the craic, having wild late night sessions in the pubs or on the street... and early morning sessions playing music on the beach (?).. etc..

I don't drink or do drugs, so this was my whole social outlet.. pretty much.

My gf is not a musician. She prefers to socialise with people who are close to her, and likes to go out to a set location, with a set group of people, and stay with them for the whole night. This is what most people do (from what I gather) so maybe I'm a bit weird. Since I've met her, social occasions have boiled down do; going to the pub with people who both she and I know. Or going to places that we know.

I hardly ever play music sessions anymore. Every now and again I see all the old gang on bebo with photos from festivals and sessions which are going on, and I feel.... to be honest, I feel like I'm missing out.

It that a terrible thing?

I love her very much. We get on great... but I've tried to bring her along to sessions before, and she is a little bit shy with new people, so I sense that she feels somewhat out of place. Somebody once said to me "make sure you find a partner who fits into your lifestlye"... and that made me think a bit...

we've solved this a couple of times by getting her to bring a friend along, but this is difficult to organise and so far (in nearly 2 years) has only happened twice. She is prepared to let me go off and do my thing, and she supports me... but I'm just not finding the time. I love spending time with her, and I know she'd feel lonely if I went away for a weekend (we only see each other at weekends). And thus, I'm feeling a little bit torn and feel like "should I be sacrificing everything for this relationship?".

I don't think she will ever be able to share my sense of adventure. She likes things to be organised, planned... hopping to another pub halfway through the night is a big deal to her!! She likes to be with peope who she knows well, and sometimes feels uncomfortable around strangers. I'm the opposite in some ways...

any advice is much appreciated!

dude, you cnat stop being you and enjoying life, your way...

you will resent this and ultimately it will mess you and your relationship up!

you cant change your life for someone, you cna only open up and accept them into it, the thing is... thats what your life is... now and again obviously you do what she wants... do her thing as compromises go thats how it has to be!

but you have to do your thing, you will regret it if you dont...

in long run denying yourself these things will hurt you both in long run... alot more then acceptance of eachothers ways will...

and dude, the truth is she either accepts thats your life and lets you live it to the fullest, with her... or she gets out of it...

jellie

you shouldnt have to give up hobbies when you get a gf. ok maybe you might need to compromise a bit & spend a bit less time on them to make time for the gf but its not a good idea to let go of them completely. why? because your relationship might not last forever. maybe it will. but if it doesnt & youve lost contact with the people you used to do these things with, what then?

Overheal

OP you may have just described my Mother and my Stepdad He does the gigs and she goes for the moral support.

If its important to you than I dont see why she shouldnt be able to make the time and accomodation. If that isnt the case maybe id question a few things.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the helpful responses guys..

But the thing is we only see each other at weekends... so it's *really* hard for me sometimes to get all my hobbies in during the week, cos usually I'm wrecked from workin and don't have much energy. Then at the weekends, when I do have lots of free time, I spend all of it with her. To some extent we are kind of "under pressure" to spend every second together during the weekends, because that's all we have. So if I want to do something some weekend, she will support me of course and says it's not a problem.. although sometimes I sense that "the lady doth protest too much" and I feel like I'm always the only one who ever wants to do other stuff at the expense of not seeing her. She never does this and just wants to spend all her time with me... and I know that she'd prefer it if we just spent all of our time together because she is mad about me.

I'd feel a lot happier if she had some hobbies or things that she wanted to do as well the odd time(I'm her one and only hobby!), but she doesn't really... so I'm always the one responsible for wanting to do stuff outside our relationship.

I don't know if this is all making sense...

Maybe a lot of it will solve itself when we move in together, and are under less pressure to spend every second of every weekend together?

Delorian

I understand where you're coming from and am not going to say, like many of the other ppl here, 'do your own thing otherwise you'll resent her' cos you already know that and would do it if you were prepared to.

How about you try and get around the problem of only seeing each other at weekends. Could you move closer, work closer & have lunch, stay at her's on Tuesdays and she stays at yours on Wednesdays?

It sounds like you care about her very much, maybe this is a natural progression that needs to happen anyway. And it results in you eating a little more cake.

BC

A relationship is about give and take. In the same way that you do things that she likes (going to the pub with mates you both know), she also needs to compromise and do things that you like. You need to explain to her how you feel.

AngryBadger

Some fair points being made on both sides here.

Why is it that ye only see each other at the weekends? Is it a distance thing? If so is it going to change any time in the enar future? I mean if it's not a distance problem that's preventing ye from seeing each other during the week, (or some other obscure problem like anti-social working hours or what have you), then why can't ye see each other a bit more during the week? I mean if you managed to see her a night or two during the week surely you'd be able to head off one weekend a month or something and have a session?

To be honest I think heading off sessioning for one weekend out of each month isn't asking much, whether your gf wants to be involved or not, (comfortably or otherwise).

I understand that a relationship is give and take, but I don't understand why you can't take one weekend a month, (or even just now and then) and go off sessioning?

LegacyUser

"I understand that a relationship is give and take, but I don't understand why you can't take one weekend a month, (or even just now and then) and go off sessioning?"

I don't either.. I guess we always have stuff planned for our weekends and we want to be together as much as possible...

I'm in "the country" and she is in Dublin. We plan to move in during the summer. We already lived together but she had to move back to dublin for work, she couldn't get a proper contract here.

So I'm hoping that livng together will make it easier.