Spark gone! What to do

Mickdogg

Hi,

I have been in a relationship now for 6 years with a lovely girl, we have our ups and downs like most people but we get on well and are both easy going. The problem is that we don't really put much effort into going out or doing things and over the past year we are more like friends than anything else. The sex is not passionate anymore, we don't seem to fancy each other anymore. The problem is that I think we both know but are afraid to say it or end it!! Its nearly just easier to stay together and I don't know how to be single - I'm actually afraid that I wouldn't know what to do. Anybody else have experience with this???

muboop1

Mickdogg wrote: »

Hi,

I have been in a relationship now for 6 years with a lovely girl, we have our ups and downs like most people but we get on well and are both easy going. The problem is that we don't really put much effort into going out or doing things and over the past year we are more like friends than anything else. The sex is not passionate anymore, we don't seem to fancy each other anymore. The problem is that I think we both know but are afraid to say it or end it!! Its nearly just easier to stay together and I don't know how to be single - I'm actually afraid that I wouldn't know what to do. Anybody else have experience with this???

not over saem time period(shorter then 6 years basically),
but dude you said it yourself... its gone... you have 2 deacent options... and 1 bad...

end it now... talk to her... she might be same... give up on it make a break and hope to keep as friends, after all that is what you are essentially from what you have said

try re-kindle it.. failing that back to plan 1...

stay with her afraid but comfortable, possibly runing your chances with many other people, always wondering will she say it?

if its gone its gone... do you love her? do you love her like a friend or more? do you see a future together?
does her smile still light you up? and yours hers?

but from wat iv goten... you need to step back... to let go of it...
you deny yourself a future with someone else by staying where you know isnt right...

eventully this train of thought will lead you to just getting over her and seeing her as a friend... and eventully... you will like other people... but still be with her? temptations... living lies etc... why go through that...

How Strange

Mickdogg...The problem is that we don't really put much effort into going out or doing things and over the past year we are more like friends than anything else.

OP, before you start throwing the baby out with the bathwater, take stock of what you have and what's going on at the moment.

It seems you have gotten into a rut and as you say yourself stopped making an effort. Why not sit your gf down and do an 'audit' on your relationship? I know its an awful american concept but it might actually be a good thing.

Talk about your hopes for the future, plans etc. Talk about what it is about each other that you find attractive - both physically and as people. See what you can do together. Start making an effort - get dressed up one night a week and go out or start doing something together.

All I'm saying is don't confuse boredom with falling out of love. If you find that the spark can't be relit then you have more serious things to consider but try to reignite your relationship first. Afterall, if you are with someone for 6yrs and are really familiar with each others habits etc it can be hard to see them as a sexual being as well. I personally think this is the greatest danger to any longterm relationship - complacency and replacing an intimate relationship with friendship.

Mickdogg

Thanks for that guys, but still wondering what to do. what about a break or do they even really exist or work?????????

LegacyUser

Should you not take the advice this thread has before you try go on a break?

My gut tells me you want out...

How Strange

Mickdogg, you've been together 6 years and you are clueless about how to make an effort? No wonder things are going down the pan.

Firstly, do you want out or do you want to save your relationship?
If you want out then go and don't leave it too long. Maybe leave it until after Christmas though.
If you want to stay then only you will know what constitutes making an effort in your relationship. You can go on a weekend break but the problems you have will be going with you.

IMO, its the small things that count and show that you've put some time and planning into it. And no I can't tell you what they are because it's different for every relationship.

GoalsGoneWild

Talk to her about it before one of you looks for "excitement" with a 3rd party. Trust me - it'll happen eventually. She may feel the same as you do at the moment and you'll either:

a) decide to walk away from it and try to stay as friends
b) decide that you BOTH want to make a go of it and take it from there

The fact is that there's a problem in the relationship. You need to talk to your girlfriend. You won't find the answer on here.

Good luck...

Marksie

Complaicency is what this is all about. Long term relationships gradually falling into a routine with people taking each other for granted. Then wondering where the magic has gone one day.

Very common actually.

However, what effort have you bothe made to rediscover what has been forgotten. By the looks of things not much. Drifting into the same old rut.

Yes it takes both to make the effort but it takes one to recognise whats happening and be open enough to start communicating this to the other, then both can work on it.

As for what to do, it doesnt have to be grand one off gestures, in fact perhaps it shouldnt be, but weekends away, breaking the routine by setting aside time together, making efforts if you like to "date" again.

Now a lot of people reading this know i follow tantra and that connection both to self and to your partner is a part of what i believe..passionately. BUT you can't leap from comfortable complacency to sacred sexuality in one bound.
It has to be gradual.
So before setting things right in the bedroom, start outside of it. and both of you start with looking at yourrselves and what you have done a) to allow this to happen and b) what are you going to do about it, if anything.

Look at wher yu are and where you want to be, not looking backwards at what was.
Though i will say try to rediscover what it was that you both found attarctive to each other in the first place.
Break the routine, small things
use this to move onto larger things.
and communicate both initially and throughout if it begins to backslide

consider it not as falling in love again, but as one author describes it, learning to rise in love.

The Dudette

I broke up with a guy just over two years ago, we were going out for 4 1/2 years. I was in your position - we had been "just friends" for almost a year at that point, and I honestly couldn't see a future with him anymore. I felt the same way as you've described though - it felt easier to stay together, and I hadn't a clue how to be single! Couldn't picture myself with another guy.

I ended it eventually, but to be honest, I should've done it sooner. Although he agreed that we'd just, lost the spark, he was still quite ready to give it another go, or even a few. In short, he found it hard to take no for answer and bear in mind even though you say your gf quite possibly feels the same as you, she may not.

Eventually I met another guy who I got on very well with. Now, I'm engaged, have a baby on the way, and although we have a lot of ups and downs in our relationship I'm still so much happier than I ever was with the previous guy.

You owe it to yourself to be happy. If you're not happy in this relationship, then I really think it's time for you to move on. Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat about it some more