Crying from pure frustration

Bendihorse

When im frustrated or cant express something that i desperatly want to put across, to someone thats totally at sea when it comes to understanding my point of view or where im coming from, i start to cry.

It doesn't happen too often and I know it sounds stupid but its desperatly annoying as sometimes it happens in work situations where i get a massive lump in my throat which renders me unable to respond to questions or ill start to cry... Its REALLY annoying and i just wondered if anyone had any tips on how to prevent/deal with it...

How Strange

I know people who cry when they have an argument with someone - anyone at all, not just a partner.

I would suggest an assertiveness course or cognitive behaviour therapy. It really is just a case of you gradually becoming more relaxed in these situations but an assertiveness course or cbt may give you tools to prevent the tears next time you feel the frustation coming on.

r3nu4l

It happens to someone I know too and she finds it really annoying because she isn't crying from sorrow, it's pure frustration and anger. Certainly a sense of confidence in what you are saying as well as a sense of control of the conversation is needed to avoid this feeling.

Bendihorse

I have previously done an assertiveness course but i didn't find it much help. It doesn't happen with many people, mostly in work situations where i cant say what im really thinking to people in authority. I do have confidence in what im saying but the fact that i know it wont be taken on frustrates me to the point where the lump starts growing.

How Strange

then it does sound like an assertiveness problem. Do you have issues with authority? Do you feel intimidated by people in authority?

I'd say shop around for another course. Maybe life coaching but get a recommendation as many of them are just crooks.

You need to develop tools or skills for coping with these situations. I used to dread speaking in public; even in front of people I knew. My voice would get squeakier and squeakier until it disappeared altogether. I hated it and always felt stupid but it happened every time.

I've changed jobs a few times since then and because of those jobs I've gotten used to speaking clearly and with authority in front of 50 people or more. Why? I suppose its because I am confident in myself now and in what I say.

Confidence is the key. It doesn't matter if they take it on board, what matters is you believe what you say and you put your point across clearly. What they do with it after is their business.

r3nu4l

Bendihorse wrote: »

I have previously done an assertiveness course but i didn't find it much help. It doesn't happen with many people, mostly in work situations where i cant say what im really thinking to people in authority. I do have confidence in what im saying but the fact that i know it wont be taken on frustrates me to the point where the lump starts growing.

Wow! Honestly, this is amazing, you are saying word for word here the exact same thing as the girl I know!!

The people in authority thing is always a tough one and is something I had to overcome myself. I was raised to respect my elders, be grateful for what I got etc and while that's great and induces great respect and manners in people.

If it goes too far you end up subconsciously feeling that your opinion isn't as valid or can't be stated as forcefully (authoritatively) as those of people in seniority to you. That's so frustrating and when you repress it it can express as fear, nervousness, anger or in tears!

You should try reading "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. It was written a long time ago but is one of the better self-help (hate that term) books out there. I found it really, really good as it helped me recognise why other people reacted the way they did to some things I said and how I could control situations in a more positive manner!

How Strange

r3nu4l Quote:..The people in authority thing is always a tough one and is something I had to overcome myself. I was raised to respect my elders, be grateful for what I got etc and while that's great and induces great respect and manners in people.

If it goes too far you end up subconsciously feeling that your opinion isn't as valid or can't be stated as forcefully (authoritatively) as those of people in seniority to you.

Spot on r3nu4l, I couldn't have put it better myself. Like you, I was raised to ALWAYS respect authority and whats worse NEVER question it. That might be a hard concept for people in their late teens, early twenties to understand but that's the way my parents brought us up. They believed and deferred to anyone they regarded as superior to them i.e. doctors, teachers, priests, gardai. Oh how times have changed!

Anyway, I also think that left me with feelings of inferiority around people in authority for most of my life (to date). I think I've overcome it now through self improvement, confidence and a belief that everyone puts their trousers on one leg at a time regardless of who they are or what they do.

It took a long time but as I said in a previous post, I can now stand in front of anyone and give my opinion with authority (no pun intended).

OP, try the self help book recommended. The worst that can happen is it does nothing for you.

r3nu4l

How Strange wrote: »

...I was raised to ALWAYS respect authority and whats worse NEVER question it...They believed and deferred to anyone they regarded as superior to them i.e. doctors, teachers, priests, gardai.

How Strange, that's exactly what I was getting at! We definitely had similar-thinking parents My nervousness used to manifest as me talking too fast as if I was afraid that if I didn't get the point out quick enough the person (in authority) I was talking to would stop listening to me.

These days I talk to rooms full of people such as CEO's of major Pharma companies and product managers for pharma drugs. I lead meetings that include the Managing Director of the company I work for and our pharma clients and I help hammer out details of projects we work on together. I'm far happier now than I was three years ago!

The thing to remember bendihorse is that if you are in a job, then part of your job is to let your manager know if things are not going well or if there is something they should be aware of. Equally, when a manager asks you a question, it isn't an interrogation. They need some information, and you might be the only person who can give them that information. They aren't trying to catch you out.

Also remember that no matter how confident managers appear, they have problems and issues too. They may have relationship problems, maybe they have an ill parent or they have a medical issue that's worrying them. These people in authority are just regular people with emotions and sensitivities and despite their outward confidence they have their own problems. They wake up some mornings and think "Oh God, I've got to go to work again today"...I should know, I'm a manager myself

small

I identify with you OP, sometimes when dealing with people of authority, out of complete frustration I find myself in tears. Over the times it's happened I've come to realise it's generally when I'm working my butt off and the person above me is slacking. I can't manage to get over the respect that is inbuilt in me for them to kick their a*se. I've gotten this far that I can see when it's happening, I still just don't know what to do about it. Might go check out that book, I've seen it around before.....

Jeapy

Im the same! Its a pain in the @ss alright, but I think its much better than being aggressive or shouting. I find it hard to explain to somebody that im crying because Im annoyed and frustrated, not because im upset! Might have a look for that book too!!!

How Strange

small...I identify with you OP, sometimes when dealing with people of authority, out of complete frustration I find myself in tears.

Jeapy... Im the same! Its a pain in the @ss alright, but I think its much better than being aggressive or shouting. I find it hard to explain to somebody that im crying because Im annoyed and frustrated, not because im upset!

Jeapy, I beg to differ on this point. How in hell do you expect to have credibility if everytime you are under pressure you burst out crying or your eyes well up. If you want to have any professional integrity and earn some respect from your peers and those in more senior positions then you have to get this sorted.

I'm a manager now and if someone turned on the water works I wouldn't stand for it. There is a time and place for everything and tears in work just isn't good. I'm not saying if someone was genuinely upset or had an awful day that I would be a b*tch about it but if I tried to approach one of my staff to discuss something and the eyes welled up I wouldn't be impressed or sympathetic.

As I said before, I've been there manys a time and I've found ways to get over it but I don't think I would be doing my job now if I was meek and timid infront of authority.

Dinxminx

"It happens to someone I know too and she finds it really annoying because she isn't crying from sorrow, it's pure frustration and anger."

AAaaah! That happens to me! It's THE most frustrating thing you can imagine! Have no idea how to stop it though, honestly, I've never been able to get a handle on it...

Bendihorse

I agree How Strange, it makes me feel SO stupid when it happens and i can feel my credibility ebbing away the more chocked i get, you can read it on the faces of the others present... Credibility is what im lacking at work, thats where the frustration comes from, but im not doing myself any favours when my eyes get glassy

Id give anything to be able to controll it, i think i might try hypnotherapy or something.

At least now i know im not the only one it happens to...

Nevyn

I had the same thing until I stopped getting frustrated and angry and just let myself be pure and plain angry.

See being angry and coming off as aggressive is not seen as being feminine or ladylike
And Sod that for a game of soldiers.

Have you looked at some contractive confrontational training and taking part in debating ?

Victor

I had to be really nasty to some people last week - to be fair to me, I had warned them twice of the problem and they ignored it.

I had to ask some questions, to which both they and I knew the answers. However, saying those answer out loud at a meeting in front of their managers was very hard for them as it showed them up as lacking, despite having delivered the project this far.

For me, on one level it was a vindication of what I had been saying for two months. On a human level it felt terrrible - for me (and them!).

---

The way to get over things like this is to gain experience, starting with small things and working up. Realise that people are complaining about the situation - they aren't calling you 'bad'.

small

How Strange wrote: »

Jeapy, I beg to differ on this point. How in hell do you expect to have credibility if everytime you are under pressure you burst out crying or your eyes well up.

I agree that getting weepy in work doesn't do much for credibility (which is why when I feel it coming on I get up and go for a walk, regardless of how busy I am). I would, however, agree with Jeapy that it's

better than being aggressive or shouting.

Being weepy you might loose credibility, but at least it shows you care. Being aggressive you'll possibly loose your job. Obviously the ideal is remain cool and collected at all times!

Jeapy

How Strange wrote: »

Jeapy, I beg to differ on this point. How in hell do you expect to have credibility if everytime you are under pressure you burst out crying or your eyes well up. If you want to have any professional integrity and earn some respect from your peers and those in more senior positions then you have to get this sorted.

I'm a manager now and if someone turned on the water works I wouldn't stand for it. There is a time and place for everything and tears in work just isn't good. I'm not saying if someone was genuinely upset or had an awful day that I would be a b*tch about it but if I tried to approach one of my staff to discuss something and the eyes welled up I wouldn't be impressed or sympathetic.

As I said before, I've been there manys a time and I've found ways to get over it but I don't think I would be doing my job now if I was meek and timid infront of authority.

Lol, see I find that aggressive and unnecessary. I was just agreeing with the OP and said I should read that book that was recommended...therefore dealing with it. Anyway, its a very rare thing and nothing specifically to do with authority or work. If Im having a pretty crappy day for many more than one reason, I usually go for a walk/ go to the bathroom and get a bit weepy. Give it a minute, get over it and get on with it. If somebody asks why Im upset, I try to explain that Im not, Im just frustrated!