friendships

LegacyUser

I seem to have a problem. I have a tendency to pathologically obliterate friendships.

It starts with the friendship. Well, friendship at a base level anyway. Someone who I see regularly, talk to often and generally get on ok with. But not deep friends who I could say anything to type of thing. Over time, as the friendship develops, I increasingly fixate on the person. My internal monologue eventually convinces me that this person would make an ideal partner. However, usually nothing whatsoever has happened in actuality to make this a realistic expectation. But I allow my delusions to take hold and I wind myself up in a knot thinking how great it would be if we got together and how terrible it would be if me exposing my feelings meant the death of our friendship. The rational part of me says that we are just friends, any interest is not mutual and I mustn’t ruin a good friendship. The other part of me says that we’re perfect for each other, meant to be together and the only reason we’re not is because I’m stuck in the friend zone and am too much of a pussy to let my true feelings be known. I am not unattractive or unintelligent. I am not devoid of confidence or socially retarded. Who could resist? So, after much self-torture I work up the courage to tell the person how I feel. When I am rejected I can’t face the person anymore. How could I be so stupid? Again.

For this has happened several times. I have destroyed good relationships, I have lost good friends. I have made a fool of myself. I have lost dignity and respect. The longest friendship was over five years, the shortest six months. There have been others in between. And yet, I recognise I am in the midst of this process again, right now. The ‘victim’ has been a friend for over two years. At the outset of our friendship I had no intentions towards her but after a while I flirted with her. Once I even half-jokingly asked her out. Her joking response was that there would be no dates, only marriage. This rebuttal settled things down and the friendship evolved. Still, I have persisted and convinced myself that maybe she didn’t realise I was being serious and if I were to ask her unambiguously she would not decline. As explained above, my internal monologue swings violently from pole to pole. It is distracting me, confusing me, crippling me, and ultimately, destroying me. I don’t want to lose another friend but I can’t get her out of my head. Surely it is worth the risk, to take the chance, to find love. And so the cycle continues …

seahorse

Perhaps you'd consider seeing a therapist over this Starshineon? I'm sure I don't need to point out how damaging it's been to your life and your self-esteem, so perhaps it'd be worth talking to somebody about?

Also, maybe it'd be an idea to put the breaks on making new friends, just for the time being until you have figured out how to nurture friendships without letting this propensity to steer them in a romantic direction ruin them for you.

Best of luck

WhiteWashMan

If you can see a pattern emerging, then you can change it.

My definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.

Perhaps you need to change something. I mean, if it's all going to end in disaster, why not just take a chance?


Oh, and you think too much. Stop over-analyzing everything.

LegacyUser

i can realate to what your going through, happened to me at least 4 times before i met my current GF(we weren't friends first). i'm not sure what i can say in terms of advice as i'm nearly sure the same thing would be happening if i was single.

when you say asking out is it "fancy a drink" or more towards the "i love you" asking out, if its the former i'm sure the girls on the forum here will agree with me when i say they'd really on be flattered and its no reason to be ashamed. however if you are more like i was and fall in "love" with the girl then since you have identified there is a problem you should be able to talk yourself out of it in your head.

Best of luck

K_P

If any of these girls were interested in you as more than a friend, you'd know. There'd be obvious signs. As it is, you're talking yourself into asking them out, forcing yourself to do it as to do otherwise would be weakness.

You can see the pattern, you know the kind of hurt it's caused you in the past. YOU are the only one who can change this pattern.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Seeing a therapist is something I have considered. I'm not sure if it would do me much good though. I have some kind of superiority complex. How could you possibly know what's going on in my head? You're just you and I'm me. You know nothing. I resent those who I feel are less intelligent than I think I am. Especially those who are willing participants in trashy popular culture. I rarely let on though, I manage to maintain a calm veneer despite seething with incandescent hatred. Sometimes I feel sorry for them, mostly though it's the hatred. So I think I'd have difficulty relating to a therapist and getting anything out of sessions. I'd talk, listen and nod appreciatively but go away thinking (knowing) that I know better. I just do whatever I want anyway.

Not making new friends isn't something I have to consciously make a decision to do. Quite the opposite in fact. I function adequately in social situations but I find them more of a chore than a pleasure. A lot of this goes back to the resentment thing above. Some people are animals. Actually that's not fair on them, worse than animals. Things are deteriorating on this front, I sometimes find myself cursing furiously under my breath at people who are just going about their lives. I don't manipulate or otherwise use people but I do see dealing with people as a necessary evil and, for the most part, a means to an end. But not with friends.

I'm not usually particularly emotional, aloof and unflappable by most people's standards. But this week I've been all over the place. Relatively speaking. I'm not entirely sure why. I can't concentrate, I feel I could break down at any moment. It was one of the things that prompted me to start this thread. A feeling of angst, unease, despair, even dread. And I don't drink, smoke or do drugs before y'all tell me to lay off.

Of course I recognise the pattern, I know it's not good. I also know that I'm the only one who can break it. It's in my power to change, to evolve. But it seems inevitable. I am hurtling towards the abyss. Powerless to resist. It's gonna get worse before it gets better.

Good luck to you too Matt

WhiteWashMan

You do realise how those 2 last paragraphs smack of Emo, Dont you?

Either you are going through adolecence, or you could probabloy do with visiting a counciler, or you could probably just do with brightening up your outlook on life.

GO out and buy some new clothes. Youd be amazed how good it feels.

rjt

starsshineon wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

Seeing a therapist is something I have considered. I'm not sure if it would do me much good though. I have some kind of superiority complex. How could you possibly know what's going on in my head? You're just you and I'm me.

Ironically this is one of the reasons I never reply to PI threads, who am I to give advice about someone else's life! Still, a lot of what you've said could just has easily been written by me, so maybe my opinion is relevant here.

starsshineon wrote: »

You know nothing. I resent those who I feel are less intelligent than I think I am. Especially those who are willing participants in trashy popular culture. I rarely let on though, I manage to maintain a calm veneer despite seething with incandescent hatred. Sometimes I feel sorry for them, mostly though it's the hatred. So I think I'd have difficulty relating to a therapist and getting anything out of sessions. I'd talk, listen and nod appreciatively but go away thinking (knowing) that I know better. I just do whatever I want anyway.

Not making new friends isn't something I have to consciously make a decision to do. Quite the opposite in fact. I function adequately in social situations but I find them more of a chore than a pleasure. A lot of this goes back to the resentment thing above. Some people are animals. Actually that's not fair on them, worse than animals. Things are deteriorating on this front, I sometimes find myself cursing furiously under my breath at people who are just going about their lives. I don't manipulate or otherwise use people but I do see dealing with people as a necessary evil and, for the most part, a means to an end. But not with friends.

Do you honestly believe that people are "worse than animals"? To be honest, it sounds more like a cop-out or a defensive measure (what does their opinion matter, they're just animals etc. etc.). But what if you actually manage to convince yourself that this is true? I doubt it'll bring anything but isolation and bitterness. From my (albeit limited) experience, humans really are social beasts that depend on others to reaffirm our sense of self-worth. If we keep people at arms' length we never get this, with all sorts of negative effects (eg. maybe clinging on to those people that you know are not "animals" - perhaps part of the problem from the original post).

Regardless, I've went on a tangent. My point is, the pent-up anger/bitterness/resentment towards strangers is probably doing you more harm than good. And superiority-complex aside, surely you agree that mental health professionals are trained in this sort of thing, and so might be able to help you out of the rut you're in? They may not be you, but (perhaps surprisingly) these kind of issues are rarely unique, and probably documented and categorised etc.

starsshineon wrote: »

I'm not usually particularly emotional, aloof and unflappable by most people's standards. But this week I've been all over the place. Relatively speaking. I'm not entirely sure why. I can't concentrate, I feel I could break down at any moment. It was one of the things that prompted me to start this thread. A feeling of angst, unease, despair, even dread. And I don't drink, smoke or do drugs before y'all tell me to lay off.

Of course I recognise the pattern, I know it's not good. I also know that I'm the only one who can break it. It's in my power to change, to evolve. But it seems inevitable. I am hurtling towards the abyss. Powerless to resist. It's gonna get worse before it gets better.

Given that you've been through this before and failed to stop the cycle from repeating, perhaps it's time to get someone else's perspective? (not necessarily a professional, perhaps a family member or friend or somesuch?). Whenever I have some problem that I can't bring myself to fix (even though I see the problem and potential solutions), there's always some other related issue that I need to address first, and these things are sometimes more obvious after a chat with someone who knows you pretty well (whereas, all we've got to go on is a few paragraphs of text and our own misconceptions/preconceptions).

I also second WhiteManWash's over-analysis comment.

Best of luck whatever you end up doing, I hope my comments aren't too far off!

K_P

How old are you OP?

It might seem like an irrelevant question but I recognise a lot of my teenage self in your second post there. If you've hit your twenties though and this is still how you feel, then you have more of a problem than just asking girls out and being rejected.

LegacyUser

I'm 27 and not emo. (I looked it up on urbandictionary)

rjt - I don't think you are too far off with some of your comments. Quite astute. Thanks

over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving opportunities behind.
Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

Overheal

yeah because urban dictionary and uncyclopedia give an unbiased view of emo :rolleyes: its not all razors and hair-dye. Actually at times in your posting you sound as much Goth as you do Emo. Its nothing to feel bad about but its something worth looking into. Look up some sources on both and it might shed more light on your situation, for the better.

But you are over-analysing this: its plain as day, from your choice of vocabulary. To the point where in my honest opinion? Yes, you've over-analysed it to the where you now probably take as much comfort in the Drama of it all as anything else. Thats whats stopping you from just making simple friendships - because once they're figured out, you occupy yourself with 'pathologically' dismantling them or trying to rebuild them into something you've imagined. You're never happy with being 'just friends'.

You need to quit daydreaming and stop using the people you see in Real Life as characters in your fantasy. Take them at face value and quit looking for hidden meanings everywhere. Its not Honors English: there arent 15 different meanings to everything someone says!

Its time to step down off the poetry-podium and join the rest of the fleshlings, lad.

LegacyUser

urbandictionary was an attempt at humour - I'm so not emo I don't even know what it is etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a box to fit into, emo or goth or any other. I don't enjoy drama. I don't see what my choice of vocabulary and use of language has to do with anything. I'm not sure where this thread is going now but I am glad to have thrown some stuff out here, it will help me think logically about it. (There I go again eh?) Thanks for all the responses