Can't think straight...

LegacyUser

Just broke up from a long term relationship, he says he loves me, but our ideas of the future just don't match up.
I eventually want kids, he can't see kids in his future.
I am devestated, I know we had our problems but we loved each other and wanted to be with each other forever and that was that.
He sees me as the girl he wants to be with forever, but won't go down the marriage and kids route and so thinks its best for us to go our seperate ways.
We're still very much in contact, and we've seen each other a lot since the split and I can see he's not handling it well at all, not eating properly not sleeping looks like crap, and still loves me.
Do I just give him some time? Has anyone gone through this before?
At the moment I'm making a big independant break and moving into my own place as i don't want to be in that suitation again, so I'm not sitting at home and waiting on him...but I'll always hope he'll wake up one day and figure out that he does want us to be toghther, or am I being stupid?

How Strange

Confused... Just broke up from a long term relationship, he says he loves me, but our ideas of the future just don't match up.
I eventually want kids, he can't see kids in his future.

If your differences are so fundamental that neither of you are prepared to compromise then a clean break is the only option.

I am devestated, I know we had our problems but we loved each other and wanted to be with each other forever and that was that.
He sees me as the girl he wants to be with forever, but won't go down the marriage and kids route and so thinks its best for us to go our seperate ways.

So he finished with you because you want kids and marriage and he doesn't? Were you at the stage where you wanted to get married and try for a child or are these both longterm plans of yours?

Do I just give him some time? Has anyone gone through this before?
At the moment I'm making a big independant break and moving into my own place as i don't want to be in that suitation again, so I'm not sitting at home and waiting on him...but I'll always hope he'll wake up one day and figure out that he does want us to be toghther, or am I being stupid?

You think that you are being independent and not sitting around waiting for him but you are doing exactly that. You seem to be waiting for him to change his mind so you haven't made a clean break.

IMO, you should sit down and talk about this again. Have an honest discussion about how you both feel after being apart for a while. Ask him if he has changed his mind about marriage and children. If he says no then the ball is firmly back in your court. Are you willing to stay with him without any children? If the answer is no then you need to move on.

Cutting someone you love out of your life is a hard thing to do but you have to otherwise you are simply wasting your own life for a man who doesn't want the same things as you.

The Recliner

Speaking from a male perspective I went through a similar thing with an ex girlfriend. I wasn't keen on the marriage kids thing

I think whem first confronted with it it can be scary

My problem with marriage wasn't the commitment just the whole madness that goes along with it

I had a huge problem with the idea of having kids but having thought about it it was just that I was scared of all the things that I could do wrong

Give him sometime, he might come around to the idea, talking to him about it in a non confrontational way will help, men don't do much thinking of their own accord and when confronted with something for the first time can be scared

The girlfriend became an Ex for a different reason though, things didn't work out between us so there are no guarantees that when someone gets what they think they want that they will still be happy

LegacyUser

God no I wasn't at the stage for kids or marriage myself, I hasd said I would like to be thinking about it in about 2-3 years, we would have been together well over 7 years then.
I'm not waiting for him to change his mind, and if he did I'm certain i would not be jumping straight back in.
It's been barely 2 months and I'm already in the process of buying my own place, so I really don't think I'm sitting around waiting on him.
I just can't uderstand how 2 people who love each other so much can be at such cross purposes..its frustrating.

LegacyUser

yes, Recliner he has said in the past he's not mature or responsible enough for kids and so won't inflict him as a father on anyone yet.

The Recliner

I would have been in a similar frame of mind to your boyfriend when first approached by the topic seriously

Eventually I realised I was just scared of messing it up but figured if some of the muppets I grew up with it can do it and seem to make a reasonable job of it then there is no reason why I couldn't manage it

He may genuinely not be ready for it though but it seems a shame to throw away a long term relationship when having a few chats about it in a reassuring manner might make the difference

estar

i dont think any man would really throw away a relationship he cared about by saying that he will never be ready to settle down or ever have kids unless
he meant it. it would be easy to say - god yes in two or three years and not mean it, and put it off. perhaps he is being honest. and thats a very fundamental problem in your future.

perhaps this is for the best. move on and build a new life and stick to what you want long term. if he changes his mind he can find you. ive met men that have told me that they don't want children on the second date and said its caused them problems before and that they want to get it out there early.
it does happen!!! obviously thats so narrow minded to me (opinion) that I didnt pursue anything else with them.

LegacyUser

So i had bought him some presents and i know he has got me some, is there any point in giving them to each other or would it be too painful, I'm in 2 minds.

LegacyUser

Not meaning to sound harsh but I think you are really dragging this out and not moving on. If you were determined to sort out your own life, I don't think you'd be out buying him Christmas presents. I know it's very hard to let go but I have been in practically the very same situation. I was with a guy and we broke up early enough in the relationship for the very same reason, got back together after him saying he had changed his mind and then a few years later he says he's still not sure...I felt like I was going mad trying to figure out what to do and there was just no solution other than to go our separtate ways. Both of you knowing that there's this fundamental difference where one person feels they're going to be deprived of something and the other feels that they're going to beforced into something that they don't want just builds resentment if you can't resolve it. Either you want to be with this guy and know you might never have children or you want to take a chance and maybe meet someone else who wants what you want or you want to have children on your own someday.
Even if he were to change his mind, you don't want to have childen with someone knowing at the back of your mind that they are not as happy about it as you and that they might only be doing it because they have been forced into it.
Everyone says it and i think it's true, if you maintain contact you can't move on properly. I know that it's so hard to accept that someone you've been so close to is just gone out of your life along with their family and friends and all your shared history.

LegacyUser

I'm not buying him presents we had already bought them before we split up.