Paranoid about ex

The Dudette

Ok, this is going to sound incredibly stupid, I'm sure, giving my situation. My fiance's ex girlfriend is a fairly pretty, kinda funny, horny little minx, to get straight to the point. They broke up almost 3 years ago, but have been in contact with each other on and off ever since, via text mostly. I have never ever EVER been a jealous peson (and I'm a Scorpio!) but since meeting her I just felt there was something not right, which I'll admit had me a little paranoid from day one.

In brief; I'm with my fiance, (very recently engaged) only been a together as a couple for 18 months (know each other 3yrs) and I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child. The same evening I found out I was pregnant, was the same night he had text sex with the ex. I came across the texts by accident when using his phone (with permission by the way) and they were extremely graphic and incredibly hurtful for me to see. In short, after a huge series of rows and sobs, I could see that he was drunk when he did it and generally sorry, she says she was too, and I decided to forgive and forget......I was a dumb@ss.

Now 5 months later I find myself still not able to forget about that horrible incident, and paranoid to death about any female he comes in contact with. I don't want to feel this way as I'm actually really excited about the thought of us having the baby together, and the wedding we'll plan in the future etc. Bottom line is I love this guy very much, and although I know he loves me in return, I can't shake the feeling no matter what I do that he still has a roving eye for the ladies and will perhaps hurt me again.

He's still in touch with the ex and although that kills me now, at the time I thought I was being the bigger person by saying that it was ok every now and again, seeing as before all this they had once upon a time been great friends.

Am I a complete door mat or is it possible that pregnancy hormones have me completely paranoid??

togster

The Dudette wrote: »

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Am I a complete door mat or is it possible that pregnancy hormones have me completely paranoid??

A bit of both tbh. But you have a reason to be paranoid. He had text sex with his ex. For me if i love someone i would never even think about having text sex with homeone else. He doesn't really sound mature enough to have a kid imo. But you say you love him so talk to him. Tell hin to stop texting the ex and move on. I hope it turns out well for you.

The Dudette

Thanks, I'd like to think so too! I just think I'd have a clearer train of thought and handle all this better if pregnancy mood swings weren't an issue!

Feelgood

Right well I don't want to get to personal with you here, but you say that you were pregnant when he did the whole text thing?. I'm by no means an expert in this area, but I presume that because your pregnant your sex life has gone a bit down hill no?. I'm only saying that cause personally I couldn't do anything if my girl was pregnant....

I think every women on the planet knows that guys are just randy little buggers really, particularly when we have a few drinks on us...so it's possible that he was in the mood for a little loving and you weren't up for it so he went for the closet thing possible - his phone??...

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest, hes standing by you and your talking about marriage there so obviously you have spoken to him about the future and hes comfortable that your gonna be in it so basically your the one!!..

Hope that makes sense...

the dee

I think she said it was the night she found out she was pregnant, I don't think pregnancy issues would have been affecting their sex life too much at that stage.

OP: I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you're feeling. If you're having a baby together you need to know he's 100% committed to you. Let him know how much it upsets you when he talks to his ex. I think saying 'never talk to her again' is not the way to go, he might resent you giving him orders. Just let him know that you really want it to stop.

The Dudette

I really appreciate the responses guys, thanks. And yes, I mean, he proposed to me at the end of the day, just once it was for the right reasons I'm happy with that. I really do feel pregnancy has a lot to do with it, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do to prevent hormones making me insane for the next few months! And yes, our sex life can be up and down from time to time but only recently as I'm getting more uncomfortable (due to expanding bump) by the week.

Mazeire

Good God....Feelgood am i misunderstanding you totally or are you trying to say that a woman being off sex because she's pregnant actually makes it ok for her partner to have a bit of a wander??!!! Are you nuts or just very young? As for his phone being the closest thing i would suggest that his hand would have been closer!

OP, he's cheated on you. plain and simple. This was not some random number or sex line this is a woman he knows and is intimate with. who knows where it could have gone? As you say yourself you found him out. He didn't admit to it.

I would also be very suspicious of the fact that even after this he still seems to be in regular contact with her. Why does he need to do this? Also, you say that he says he was drunk was she? I mean she was obviously responding so was she drunk as well? It sounds like there is intent on her side at least if not on both.

I never believe in partners dictating who each others friends are but at this stage, after everything that has happened and the circumstances that you find your self in, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say "her or me". After all it will let you know where you stand, who is more important...the mother of his child or some horny ex girlfriend? I understand that you have spoken about marriage and have dreams about a family and a white wedding but his recent actions would suggest he is committed to you as a glass of water.

Look, at the end of the day, you are a grown woman. If you choose to stay in a relationship filled with suspicion paranoia and lies then thats your call to make. But the baby that you are having deserves better.

l3LoWnA

My ex has been texting me on and off since he got back with what was his ex when he was with me (confusing I know, sorry) Anyways, she laid a load of ground rules when they got back together after I left him, one of which was, she wanted a baby (he was adament he didn't want to bring anymore children into the world after previous relatinships with children involved ending very badly)

Anyways, they got back together, moved in together, she was pregnant within a few months and he proposed (yes, he proposed, he knew that's what she wanted, after all, she'd been very clear abut what she wanted when they got back together and he decided to make a go of it!) A week after he proposed to her he started texting me (after no contact since we'd split 9 months before) He told me he was unhappy and she was dull and boring etc etc "fond memories of when we together" "we can never get that back now but can only remember fthe good times" "life is crap at the moment" etc etc "miss you" He would text me first thing in the morning and last thing at night and all day on his breaks at work etc....don't know how she didn't notice. He asked me to go half way around the country to where he was working to meet up etc etc) I did enjoy the flirting initially, as I loved the guy and lusted after him so much when I left him (best sex ever - absolutely out of this world etc....no-one will match up to it, I don't understand how his fiance doesn't enjoy sex with him, it's wonderful)

But I cooled it off when I realised I'd left him and then he'd gone back to her (whilst still trying to get back with me....long story) He is a liar and cheat but this girl now loved him (probably alot more than I ever did) and was carrying his baby and had dreams of their future together. He's a total womaniser but in fairness to him he IS trying with this girl ever since. He did text me after the baby was born and mention that he was bored and would love to meet me for a weekend but it was wishful thinking as he knew he wouldn't and I wouldn't act on it! (I'd never be "the other woman" or a home-wrecker)

I do feel that he (my ex that is....) feels under alot of pressure at the moment, and will possibly leave her in the end, as he's done to other women in the past, I'm just glad I wasnt the one who got pregnant, but that's what his present girlfriend wanted and planned....even though she knows his past....and hopefully understands him and what he's capable of.... I do not want to play any part in him leaving her and I've cut contact with him for the last few months because I'm genuinely hoping he can settle himself and be part of that solid family unit that she wants so badly.

I wouldn't be happy though, if I was her. And I wouldn't be happy if I was you. Who cares if he's not getting sex. Nothing excuses texting an ex like that telling her you've still got feelings for her OR describing what you'd like to be doing with her etc....it's totally out of order...to be honest, I could have done without hearing from my ex, and him texting me was absolutely pointless and everyone involved could have got hurt one way or another.....it was completely selfish of him, he knew that his girlfriend/fiance hated him being in contact with me, and he still did keep in contact on the sly (he even set up an email address on her computer and used to email me in case she checked him phone - which she did regularly)

You should ask your fiance to cut contact with this girl....completely!! If he respects you he should and will do it!

Best of luck OP, with the baby and everything else!

(Watch out for heart-burn arund Christmas time - I was 28 weeks at Christmas and the heart-burn near killed me! )

l3LoWnA

If you put into context the fact that another thread in personal issues today talks about an purely "online" relationship, yes, your fiance HAS cheated on you!

MizzLolly

Firstly, congrats on the baby!!

Secondly, I can't say what you should do because at this stage you guys are planning on getting married and I've never been that far in a relationship. But from my own experience, my ex used to text girls all of the time. Ex's and randomers trying to get with him... I ended up being cheated on and eventually HE dumped ME!! I've read a few threads with similar problems (in fact there's loads) and mostly, it seems that everyone thinks it's crazy to put up with it. I know you love him and it's hard but just keep your eyes open, he's proved that you cannot trust him just yet..


Good Luck...

The Dudette

Thank you so much, I actually feel better hearing similar type stories, especially being from a different perspective (like, you were in my fiances ex's shoes, if that makes sense?? ) so I really appreciate it.

See, she'd actually been with a guy for a long time since they split up and that only ended shortly before the texting incident. So I can understand she was probably quite lonely all of a sudden with the other half no longer on the scene. I was still p*ssed don't get me wrong, but I think, again, due to pregnancy (seems to be the excuse for everything right now!) my hormones are everywhere and I didn't want to be a bad person saying "you can't see her, she's no longer a friend blah blah blah" for fear it would seem like orders, which it would have. In spite of trying to be the bigger person I was still all over the place and really should've thought about it longer, but one thing was for sure that I was still in love and hoped he really meant his apology. Which I think he did, but just still feel quite depressed and find it very hard to forget it, which drives me more nuts than the whole incident itself. Thus being the one downside of pregnancy, I'm more insane than usual!

As for heart burn, curry is out the window much to my disappointment, ho hum.

l3LoWnA

As for heart burn, curry is out the window much to my disappointment, ho hum.

Chocolate used to kill me

I hope this was an isolated incident that you can put behind you and that everything works out great for the two of you.

l3LoWnA

The Dudette wrote: »

My fiance's ex girlfriend is a fairly pretty, kinda funny, horny little minx, to get straight to the point.

I really thought you were talking about me at a first glance - hehe


As for your situation though...

I think your fiances intentions are good, you might just need to keep a tighter hold of the reigns That's what my exes fiance needs to do and is probably doing a good job of too, she knows him best after all, he wouldn't be where he is today (ie. with her) if he didn't want to be!

This girl was probably, as you said, feeling a bit lonely and possibly needed a confidence boost...she was offerring saucy chat up to your bf on a platter! Very few men would refuse I'd imagine (or at least get caught...) As long as you make it clear to your fiance that anything like that in the future will be the end of ye I'm sure he'll get the idea....

tbh

Dan Savage (www.savagelove.net) gives the best advice:

while back, I discovered my fiancé was having an affair, so we broke up. Maybe I should have laid down specific ground rules when we got back together, but I still felt betrayed when I found out that he was in regular contact with the Other Woman. I avoid social gatherings that I know the Other Woman will be at, but my fiancé goes without me. He knows I hate it, but he guilts me about not trusting him. I've even seen her name in his e-mail inbox. (I wasn't deliberately spying—we share the same computer.) Am I wrong to feel insecure, or is my fiancé being insensitive?

Going On Paranoid



Your fiancé cheated, GOP, so the onus is on him to avoid, within reason, doing things that make you feel insecure. Hanging out with the OW, e-mailing the OW, chatting with the OW at parties—he shouldn't be doing any of that crap out of simple consideration for your feelings. If you're going to marry him, you have to forgive him and trust him. But he has to avoid doing things that give you more cause to mistrust him than he's given you already.

pookie82

Mazeire wrote: »

Good God....Feelgood am i misunderstanding you totally or are you trying to say that a woman being off sex because she's pregnant actually makes it ok for her partner to have a bit of a wander??!!! Are you nuts or just very young? As for his phone being the closest thing i would suggest that his hand would have been closer!

OP, he's cheated on you. plain and simple. This was not some random number or sex line this is a woman he knows and is intimate with. who knows where it could have gone? As you say yourself you found him out. He didn't admit to it.

I would also be very suspicious of the fact that even after this he still seems to be in regular contact with her. Why does he need to do this? Also, you say that he says he was drunk was she? I mean she was obviously responding so was she drunk as well? It sounds like there is intent on her side at least if not on both.

I never believe in partners dictating who each others friends are but at this stage, after everything that has happened and the circumstances that you find your self in, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to say "her or me". After all it will let you know where you stand, who is more important...the mother of his child or some horny ex girlfriend? I understand that you have spoken about marriage and have dreams about a family and a white wedding but his recent actions would suggest he is committed to you as a glass of water.

Look, at the end of the day, you are a grown woman. If you choose to stay in a relationship filled with suspicion paranoia and lies then thats your call to make. But the baby that you are having deserves better.

+1. Can't believe someone would even try to excuse a bit of "harmless" text sex with an ex girlfriend because his newly pregnant girlfriend wasn't in the mood. Grow up.

JohnnyBbad

I3LoWnA always seems to bring every situation in every thread back to her and her ex-boyfriend. You cant compare the two situations. OP; He was drunk and messed up. Tell him he needs to realize he has some serious responsibilities coming his way in the next few months, and he needs to either commit or get out of dodge. Text sex is bad but forgivable

LegacyUser

What the hell is text sex?

AngryBadger

To be honest OP I think there are bigger issues here. But I'll stay on topic.

You're with this guy 18 months. I'm assuming he didn't know you were pregnant when he was having the old text sex? That being the case, I wouldn't feel very secure if someone was messing about with someone else. It would make me question the stability of the whole relationship.

I'm a guy btw.

I have two other questions, which may or may not be relevant. Did he propose before, or after you found out you were pregnant? Did the text sex happen before or after the proposal?

Feel free to answer or not as you see fit.

Wibbs

It's not just men either l3LoWnA. As I've said in other threads on the matter, this kind of contact between exes is in nearly all cases a very bad plan. It almost never ends well unless one of them calls a halt and sticks to it, or the current partner(s) do. It can be a non issue for a long time too, but down the line it can spark up again. I've seen it in my life on both sides and in others lives too. I know a woman who went back to her ex(first love, who she chucked) after 8 years, 6 of which she was living with another guy.

To give you an idea I still get texts and emails from an ex of mine from years ago. Text and emails that her new guy would not be best pleased to see. I've told her to stop, but that only lasts a few months, so now I just delete and ignore. I'm pretty sure if I was to respond favourably to her, I would not be cold one of these winter nights.

Pregnancy or not, hormones not withstanding, you need to find out exactly where you stand and what he's going to do about it. I'm neither capable of being pregnant or indeed hormonal, but you would have witnessed the first documented case of PMS in a guy if I had found out what you had.

witchywoman

The Dudette wrote: »

Ok, this is going to sound incredibly stupid, I'm sure, giving my situation. My fiance's ex girlfriend is a fairly pretty, kinda funny, horny little minx, to get straight to the point. They broke up almost 3 years ago, but have been in contact with each other on and off ever since, via text mostly. I have never ever EVER been a jealous peson (and I'm a Scorpio!) but since meeting her I just felt there was something not right, which I'll admit had me a little paranoid from day one.

In brief; I'm with my fiance, (very recently engaged) only been a together as a couple for 18 months (know each other 3yrs) and I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child. The same evening I found out I was pregnant, was the same night he had text sex with the ex. I came across the texts by accident when using his phone (with permission by the way) and they were extremely graphic and incredibly hurtful for me to see. In short, after a huge series of rows and sobs, I could see that he was drunk when he did it and generally sorry, she says she was too, and I decided to forgive and forget......I was a dumb@ss.

Now 5 months later I find myself still not able to forget about that horrible incident, and paranoid to death about any female he comes in contact with. I don't want to feel this way as I'm actually really excited about the thought of us having the baby together, and the wedding we'll plan in the future etc. Bottom line is I love this guy very much, and although I know he loves me in return, I can't shake the feeling no matter what I do that he still has a roving eye for the ladies and will perhaps hurt me again.

He's still in touch with the ex and although that kills me now, at the time I thought I was being the bigger person by saying that it was ok every now and again, seeing as before all this they had once upon a time been great friends.

Am I a complete door mat or is it possible that pregnancy hormones have me completely paranoid??

definately the hormones pet.youll be fine.

The Dudette

AngryBadger wrote: »

I have two other questions, which may or may not be relevant. Did he propose before, or after you found out you were pregnant? Did the text sex happen before or after the proposal?

(I found out I was pregnant a couple of hours before I saw the texts, but had not at this point told him).

For me, it was 1) Pregnant, 2) Text Sex 3) Proposal

For him, the order was 1) Text sex, 2) Pregnancy 3) Proposal....

Jack B. Badd

If I was in this situation and found out my SO had phone sex with someone I would only agree to stay with him if he agreed to avoid any and all contact with his ex (and I would never consider telling my SO that they shouldn't be in contact with someone in any other circumstance). He cheated on you (oh, yes he did!!!) and if he wants to stay with you this is the least he can do, along with not cheating on you again obviously. If he didn't agree to cutting all contact with her he'd be shown the door. Of course I'm not pregnant and can't envision a situation where I would ever be so I can appreciate it if the pregnancy makes things more complicated. Good luck, OP.

Ickle Magoo

The Dudette wrote: »

He's still in touch with the ex....

That's where I did a double take...he cheated on you & has the brass neck to still see the girl - and you feel like the demanding partner for requesting he doesn't rub your nose in it?! :eek:

Erm, okay, you have to set down boundaries. We all have certain behaviours that we can forgive or find acceptable & others that are no-no's - your bf having intimate sexual conversations with his ex is no-no whether you are pregnant or no, so forget the hormone excuse.

You need to have an open & frank discussion about what you want from your relationship & what you are getting. Worrying about every text & meet your bf has doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me & he seems to have done absolutely nothing short of a token proposal to convince you his "ex" is just that.

ivorygal

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You sound incredibly understanding. If I discovered my boyfriend was texting his ex, never mind having text sex I would be so hurt and angry. You're not being paranoid - your fiance put that element of doubt in your head.

Having said that your relationship has changed a lot since he was texting his ex. You're having a baby and are now engaged - that's serious stuff, maybe he's copped onto himself and realised he can't be carrying on like this!

I don't feel you'd be out of order to ask him not to see his ex anymore. You trusted him to be friends with an ex and he crossed the line.

Best of luck OP

The Dudette

I'd just like to say thanks again for all the posts. I feel guilty moaning about this when there are much more important matters, but none the less it still gets me down. But thanks again to everyone who has posted, and I will sit down and have a chat with him. Thanks for helping me see it's not just down to me being a bit bonkers with hormones

Jack B. Badd

The Dudette wrote: »

I'd just like to say thanks again for all the posts. I feel guilty moaning about this when there are much more important matters, but none the less it still gets me down.

Well, I'd say it is important since not only is your happiness at stake but that of the child you'll be having soon. Surely both you and your "fiancé" want it to grow up in a stable environment whether that is as the child of a single parent family or living with both its parents. Stability tends to suffer when one's parents are unhappy with each other...

LegacyUser

Are you sure its a good move to stay engaged to him? He does not sound trustworthy and a wedding ring on his finger is not going to change him.. He has at minimum had text sex with her and I would think there is a good chance its only the tip of the iceberg. If you are willing to trust him then you need to tell him to cut all contact with the ex.

If he is serious about having a life and a family with you then he will do it. Basic respect for his fiancee would be in order here...

Do you feel he loves you or do you think he proposed because you are pregnant? Sorry for being so blunt but I would rather be on my own forever than with someone who feel obliged to be with me and was cheating on me directly before he proposed....

You are about to take on the very important role of Mother.... You dont want your child to start his / her life with a Mother who is being treated like a doormat.

Look after yourself and your child first and he should be begging for forgiveness and to be part of your life rather than continuing to faunt his fling in your face.

spinandscribble

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

That's where I did a double take...he cheated on you & has the brass neck to still see the girl - and you feel like the demanding partner for requesting he doesn't rub your nose in it?! :eek:

Erm, okay, you have to set down boundaries. We all have certain behaviours that we can forgive or find acceptable & others that are no-no's - your bf having intimate sexual conversations with his ex is no-no whether you are pregnant or no, so forget the hormone excuse.

You need to have an open & frank discussion about what you want from your relationship & what you are getting. Worrying about every text & meet your bf has doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me & he seems to have done absolutely nothing short of a token proposal to convince you his "ex" is just that.

+1

if my fella was still in contact with an ex he had txt sex with i'd have finished. its understandable that you want to give it another go as you're preggy but why keep contact?

Miss Fluff

You should NOT be stressing over something like this whilst pregnant. Tell him to delete her number from his phone. And that your instruction is NOT down to hormones. I don't care what excuses everyones else makes, he was having text sex with an ex. Often its a precursor to something else. How the hell could it be "innocent"? So what if he was pissed, he is/has been obviously harbouring some longings with the little b1tch. If you don't do it now, when WILL you put a stop to it? When she turns up at the christening? Seriously OP, grow a set and demand some respect ffs.

Mighty_Mouse

He's still in touch with the ex and although that kills me now, at the time I thought I was being the bigger person by saying that it was ok every now and again

You thought it ok to still be in touch with his ex with whom he had text sex!!
FFS!!!

The Dudette

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Seriously OP, grow a set and demand some respect ffs.

Lol, ok ok, I get it.....normally I'm a real hard ass, I promise you, but I just haven't had the energy for this the last few months.

But you're right. Everyone's right!! There's no way in hell he's having anything more to do with her, no more bullsh*t......and if I see her in the meantime so help her God.....(wow, you really do get more energy after 5 months of pregnancy.....hummmm)

Wibbs

I can see why you might have an issue with her, but the real problem lies with him. He's who you should aim your concern at. Don't fall into the all too easy trap of hating "the other woman". He's your partner, not her.

Good for you though. Lay down the law. He shouldn't even have to be told TBH.

Mazeire

The Dudette wrote: »

and if I see her in the meantime so help her God.....(wow, you really do get more energy after 5 months of pregnancy.....hummmm)

Why would you bother? She owes you nothing save maybe a little respect from one human being to another. By going after her you are in denial. The problem lies between you and him and with your relationship. She's just incidental. To be honest if someone is in the frame of mind your bf is in it could have been anyone. It just happened to be her.

l3LoWnA

Mazeire wrote: »

Why would you bother? She owes you nothing save maybe a little respect from one human being to another. By going after her you are in denial. The problem lies between you and him and with your relationship. She's just incidental. To be honest if someone is in the frame of mind your bf is in it could have been anyone. It just happened to be her.

+1

OP, if he happens to become your ex down the road and he hooks up with a new woman and then he contacts you (or doesn't discourage you from contacting him) and you two get a little bit flirty etc, would you appreciate his new girlfriend hating you or getting onto you in a public place etc because of his wandering mind. It really isn't the exes fault, it's his! You need to realise that this girl has nothing to lose, and probably doesn't know you all that well, whereas, out of respect for you and your unborn child, your boyfriend should NOT be in contact with her (especially after you make clear that you're not happy about it)

Don't throw the blame at this girl and all your energy into hating her, that's the easy way out, it's your boyfriend that's to blame. Don't forget that and make sure you lay down the law too and discuss it openly and honestly and get the respect you deserve (from him!!! She means nothing to your relationship after all, it's about you, him, your baby and genuine respect from all sides) Good luck!

The Dudette

l3LoWnA wrote: »

If he happens to become your ex down the road and he hooks up with a new woman and then he contacts you (or doesn't discourage you from contacting him) and you two get a little bit flirty etc, would you appreciate his new girlfriend hating you or getting onto you in a public place etc because of his wandering mind?

Well to be honest, I certainly couldn't blame her for hating me if that was the case...If I was fully aware that an ex of mine was in a relationship and I participated by flirting or something similar, then yes, I would feel that the girl has every right to confront me and hate me for it. True it isn't all her fault, it's less her fault than it is his. However, she knew the score and didn't seem to care either.

Put it this way, I actually tried to be on civil terms with this ex of his, and I feel worse now because of that than if I'd just gone with my first and gut feeling - that I should've had it out with her rather than brushing it under the carpet, and she should be cut out of his life and mine.

Btw, I would never actually do/say anything to her now, if I ran into her I mean. My previous post was more humorous than serious.