Very Long thread!! Help with my ex!

uh oh

Hi everyone. (this is gona be long so feel free not to read.. haha)

I wouldn't usually post anything here in PI coz I usually just use this for fun but you guys seem to give good advice. I have some trouble regarding my ex. We broke up almost a year ago but I still miss him so badly. He wasn't really that good to me and he always ditched me to spend time with his friends (which I think is ok sometimes) but also to go out drinking with the girls he worked with. It always bothered me but it really upset me when I realised he had actually slpet with one of them. Anyway, he ditched me on my birthday - went out drinking with God knows who! So I arranged a second date where we could all have a birthday dinner the following week with a few friends and my family. He ditched me again. When I rang to see where he was he was in a pub. (could tell by background noise) Anyway he was often really nasty and said things to me like it's impossible to stay faithful to me and that I wasn't what he expected and some really horrible things. At the time I just kept smiling and did what I thought would make him happy. I let him get away with doing so many bad things coz he had me convinced that I was just being a bitch when I got upset about things. He told me that he didn't wana hear what I was feeling coz my feelings are "stupid" and told me he'd rather walk away from me than apologise for anything. He just never thought he was wrong. And for a long time I just took it and tried to improve myself.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him for a week and while I was angry over my b'day I still really missed him. His b'day was the following weekend so I went into town and spent the day organising his pressie. He sent me one text asking if I was home and I said I'd be there in a lil while. That's the last I heard from him all week. I text him and tried to call him loads of times to tell him I was home but he ignored me. I found out later he was seen in town drinking with a gang of people.

So the following weekend my friend asked me to come out with her and her bf. I text it to my ex, who I now hadn't seen in two weeks and it turned out that he was going out to the same place. He said I'll prob see ya there etc.. So I went out but that night he totally ignored me. He didn't even sit beside me. He kept leaving with a girl who'd been trying it on and calling him for months at this stage. I couldn't do anything because everyone in the club who knew us was looking at me and whispering about it. Anyway when I was leaving he stayed inside and I rang him and asked him to come outside. He came out and this girl follows him. I got into the taxi and left.

Later he texts me saying I treated him really badly and that I humiliated him. He calls over the next day and dumps me. He said he still loved me but would rather be with other girls. The same day he was seen kissing her in front of everyone about an hour after leaving me...


Anyway, I keep telling myself how badly he treated me but I really would love to be with him. There doesn't seem to be anyone like him. And I know it's stupid coz he treated me so badly but I think if I got another chance I'd make him happier this time and he'd treat me better.

He told me recently that he misses me and cares about me but then ignored me....

Help! I don't know what to do... Should I text him again?? In fairness, he was having a very hard time when all this happened. He was under lots of stress...

21stone

hi

dont dare make excuses for this sad excuse of a man , ur worth so much more and deserve so much more , he needs to grow up , all he seems interested in is drinking and that fact he said he cant stay faithfull should be an indication that u couldnt trust him at all

im sorry and i know this might sound harsh but u need to completely blank this idiot and while i dont condone violence if i was ur friend id destroy this muppet.

what goes around comes around
hes destroying ur self confidence , feck him forget him ,

u made a show of him ? when he had a diff girl at pub when u there with friends , how self obsessed is he ?? only reason i can tell why u like him that much is u might be really over weight and he prob only boyfiend u ad and afrad to be alone ?????????

id rather be single that have that , get on with ur life u dont need idiots like that seriously it will drag u down

bronte

Walk away..you have taken way too much.
This guy hasn't shown you a bit of respect.
If you like yourself at all, please keep your distance from this guy.

t_ucd

You said that if you got another chance you'd make him happier and treat him better, but (from the sounds of it), shouldn't it be him asking for another chance? If he treated you that badly before and hasn't acknowledged any of this behaviour himself, what makes you think that he'll make any effort to change this time around? Actions speak louder than words and until he actually shows you that he's changed at all (or is trying to), I can't see how getting back together with him would be a good idea.

I know it's easy for me to say all this, but think of it like this - if one of your close friends was in this exact situation and you could view things objectively, what would you tell him/her to do?

uh oh

I'm not over weight, I'm a wee lil size 8. I've been told by many people that I'm good looking. I get lots of male attention.. (or used to before he came along) I don't know if it's my looks that bothered him coz he seemed to be crazy for me at the beginning. I think it's my personality that's the problem. I got into a cycle of not standing up to him and it just got worse...

I really don't think he's BAD person underneath. He really opened up to me once. I think he has so much potential, he's cute (well I think so), and funny and very talented. He's just very self absorbed and he's used to being centre of attention. His mother treats him like a God!!

Feelgood

Think you need to move on here missus, if this is the way he treats you now its not gonna get any better...you should never give a guy your power like that and don't let anyone walk all over you, which I hate to say but thats what he has just done.

I know it might be hard though move on, forget about him and learn from you mistakes!. You sound like an amazingly sweet girl too and you will find someone that deserves to be with you and that will treat you properly - like a ladie...

Remember your not the one thats gonna lose out, he is....:)

Hard to believe all that came from a guy right?

uh oh

t_ucd wrote: »

I know it's easy for me to say all this, but think of it like this - if one of your close friends was in this exact situation and you could view things objectively, what would you tell him/her to do?

I'd kill the f*cker if anyone ever tried it on them!! :mad:
But because it's me and I know him like I do I really can't forget about the good things about him...


And it's been a year, I've only kissed one person (maybe two, its a blur) when I was drunk. I hate the whole casual scene, its just not my thing but nobody I meet seems to be like him. And it isn't even fair to compare another guy to him coz nobody deserves that but I just can't ever see it ever feeling the same with anyone again...

I'm so sorry about this thread, I know it's pathetic..

21stone

u think u need him when u dont , u think because u met others and they didnt compare that he's the 1 or something , i was like that bout my ex , nobody was like her in bed etc but then i realised i only really liked her because of sex and when i opened up i met loads of women i liked far better

uh oh

bronte wrote: »

If you like yourself at all, please keep your distance from this guy.

I just wish we'd stuck together. I don't even understand what I did wrong. I let him away with so much and gave him everything he wanted. Even when he was smashed of his face on something, I'd tell him I'd prefer if he didn't but I didn't lecture him or make him feel bad about himself. I tend to see myself more negatively now but I try not to show it. I'm very jolly on the outside

Feelgood wrote: »

Think you need to move on here missus, if this is the way he treats you now its not gonna get any better...you should never give a guy your power like that and don't let anyone walk all over you, which I hate to say but thats what he has just done.

I know it might be hard though move on, forget about him and learn from you mistakes!. You sound like an amazingly sweet girl too and you will find someone that deserves to be with you and that will treat you properly - like a ladie...

Remember your not the one thats gonna lose out, he is....:)

Hard to believe all that came from a guy right?

Haha yes, thank you.

21stone wrote: »

u think u need him when u dont , u think because u met others and they didnt compare that he's the 1 or something , i was like that bout my ex , nobody was like her in bed etc but then i realised i only really liked her because of sex and when i opened up i met loads of women i liked far better

I don't think it's sex related. It's just everything about him. And being honest I don't think I can open up to anyone else.


I also feel kind of guilty that if I just move on he'll be angry or think that I never loved him. He's able to twist things but he doesn't do it to be bad, he does it to try make himself feel better about what he does.

t_ucd

It's not pathetic! A few years ago I was in quite a similar situation - I had a boyfriend who treated me very badly but at the time I was completely blind to his faults and made excuses for everything he did - somehow, everything came back to being my fault. It came gradually, but I eventually realised that I deserved better and that I would prefer to be on my own and be able to respect myself rather than being with someone who didn't respect me and only made me feel bad about myself. I broke up with him, cut off all contact and subsequently received loads of messages from him (far more attention than when we were going out!) but I never got in contact with him and never intend to again. It did take a while to get over him but I am much happier now than I ever was with him, so it has definitely been worth it.

You sound like a nice person and you deserve much more than this guy can ever give you...I do feel slightly guilty about giving such strong advice and don't want to push you into anything - but before you do anything, really think about what letting him back into your life will mean.

kf1920

Going to put this as bluntly as possible. He has treated you very Badly!

Leave! Stay away etc!

You need to break the hold he has over you, once that is done you'll realise that in no make shape or form should you feel guilty for doing so. Just remember it's him thats in the wrong, not you, that's what'll get you through:)

Ickle Magoo

OP,

Write down what you want from a man & what you want from a relationship - you don't have to have a particular man in mind, just your dream relationship.

Now write down what you get from your man & compare the two. There a millions of lovely men in world, why put up with one who treats you with so little thought or respect? I have to be honest, reading your post I got to the "he ditched me on my birthday" followed by "he ditched me again", I started questioning your sanity. You can blame yourself for putting up with it or his mother for treating him like a God for so long, but eventually the blame will have to land at the person who most deserves it.

Why would you want a man who treats you like that? Why would you value a relationship that is so one-sided, I think you need to do more than end things with this guy, I think you need to see a councellor about self-esteem & self-respect. Best of luck.

tritium

Hi OP

First off, try not to be so hard on yourself. Your ex is a self obsessed, narcissistic piece of trash - simple really! Unfortunately people like that can often pile the guilt, blame, shame and responsibility they should feel for their actions on those around them, since they're incapable of accepting it themselves.

He's humiliated you, messed with your head, and now he wants you to feel sorry for him WTF!! This guy should be grovelling on his knees to you to forgive him for being such a waste of human life.

I know just how much someone like this can get under your skin, and I know it seems really hard right now, but please, do yourself a favour and stay away from this jerk. Trust me, you've grieved for the time you spent with him, now its better move on. Go out, meet some people, date a bit, join some clubs or get some new hobbies if you don't like the regular approaches. Most of all find out what it's like to be around nice, decent, normal people (there are some out there!) after your time with this pathetic tool. Somewhere down the line you'll meet someone who seems funny and nice and actually TREATS YOU WELL!. Believe me, at that point you'll likely look back and wonder why you were ever with your ex!

Good luck, we're rooting for you!

IRISH RAIL

Holy **** I havent even bothered to read anyone elses replies here.
I wont give you advice ill tell you what to do. ( and I know everyone will agree with me )
Get rid of him dont even waste the cost of a call hes f**king you about big big time, when his bit*h isnt around he misses you when she is your the biggest piece of crap that walked the earth.
I know your better than that so does he, but hes such a whimp he will try anything to break you down.
like the ad says
get out stay out get the love brigade out.
If you need a good shoulder to cry on give me a pm.
it will be a little less public you deserve much better.

The Sweeper

uh oh wrote: »

Help! I don't know what to do... Should I text him again?? In fairness, he was having a very hard time when all this happened. He was under lots of stress...

I have a question.

What is it that makes you hate yourself enough that you'd go trotting back to someone who has treated you so badly?

I don't care if he was under stress and I don't want to hear anything else about him.

I want to hear about you. Why don't you think you're worthy of more?

Nevyn

uh oh banned for advocating the use of volience.

Wormking2002

I'd say get rid of him...time is a great healer....get someone who you can have fun and enjoy life with...not fret that he's going to make a show of you...it will be tough for a while, maybe take up a new passtime or something...just to get your mind off him...go live girl!!!!

WhiteWashMan

uh oh wrote: »

Hi everyone. (this is gona be long so feel free not to read.. haha)

I wouldn't usually post anything here in PI coz I usually just use this for fun but you guys seem to give good advice. I have some trouble regarding my ex. We broke up almost a year ago but I still miss him so badly. He wasn't really that good to me and he always ditched me to spend time with his friends (which I think is ok sometimes) but also to go out drinking with the girls he worked with. It always bothered me but it really upset me when I realised he had actually slpet with one of them. Anyway, he ditched me on my birthday - went out drinking with God knows who! So I arranged a second date where we could all have a birthday dinner the following week with a few friends and my family. He ditched me again. When I rang to see where he was he was in a pub. (could tell by background noise) Anyway he was often really nasty and said things to me like it's impossible to stay faithful to me and that I wasn't what he expected and some really horrible things. At the time I just kept smiling and did what I thought would make him happy. I let him get away with doing so many bad things coz he had me convinced that I was just being a bitch when I got upset about things. He told me that he didn't wana hear what I was feeling coz my feelings are "stupid" and told me he'd rather walk away from me than apologise for anything. He just never thought he was wrong. And for a long time I just took it and tried to improve myself.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him for a week and while I was angry over my b'day I still really missed him. His b'day was the following weekend so I went into town and spent the day organising his pressie. He sent me one text asking if I was home and I said I'd be there in a lil while. That's the last I heard from him all week. I text him and tried to call him loads of times to tell him I was home but he ignored me. I found out later he was seen in town drinking with a gang of people.

So the following weekend my friend asked me to come out with her and her bf. I text it to my ex, who I now hadn't seen in two weeks and it turned out that he was going out to the same place. He said I'll prob see ya there etc.. So I went out but that night he totally ignored me. He didn't even sit beside me. He kept leaving with a girl who'd been trying it on and calling him for months at this stage. I couldn't do anything because everyone in the club who knew us was looking at me and whispering about it. Anyway when I was leaving he stayed inside and I rang him and asked him to come outside. He came out and this girl follows him. I got into the taxi and left.

Later he texts me saying I treated him really badly and that I humiliated him. He calls over the next day and dumps me. He said he still loved me but would rather be with other girls. The same day he was seen kissing her in front of everyone about an hour after leaving me...


Anyway, I keep telling myself how badly he treated me but I really would love to be with him. There doesn't seem to be anyone like him. And I know it's stupid coz he treated me so badly but I think if I got another chance I'd make him happier this time and he'd treat me better.

He told me recently that he misses me and cares about me but then ignored me....

Help! I don't know what to do... Should I text him again?? In fairness, he was having a very hard time when all this happened. He was under lots of stress...

the guys was a prick. never ever accept being treated badly. there is no justification, even if he was going through a tough time.

have more respect for yourself. you are worth more than being some blokes poke when hes bored.

get out, meet some people, get laid, get a boyfriend, do what ever you have to do. stop thinking about this bloke, he wont change, and he will walk over you again and again if you put yourself back in the precious situation.


while you cant help who you fall in love with, are you missing him, or are you just projecting any feelings of loneliness or low self esteem and think that youd be better if you were back with him?


if i were you, and i have been you, id cut my hair, id buy some new clothes, id get my gang together and id get out and drink beer, kiss a few people, generally enjoy myself and find out that theres more to life than floating around pining after some wanker who isnt worth the time of day.

meet some bloke who treats you like an equal, and you will very quickly lose any feelings you had towards him. nothing wrong with remembering the good times, or even using him as fantasy material, but relationship wise, do yourself a favour.

Lola123

He sounds like a d1ckhead, and no one should be made to feel that sh*tty. But tbh, as far as I can tell from reading your post, you've allowed yourself to be treated badly by putting up with this bahaviour from him. Sounds like you've low self esteem. Maybe go see a counsellor and sort that out. No relationship will work if one person feels insecure.

r3nu4l

Hmm, when you said you'd "kill him" I didn't take that literally but it looks like that's what got you banned. I often say things like "I'll bleedin' kill him if he's done that" but what I mean is "I'm annoyed by his actions and I'll let ihim know when I see him". I hope you know boards well enough to log out and read this...

You definitely appear to have low self-esteem and this guy has trained (manipulated) you well enough so that you now believe that his actions are somehow your fault. You seem to believe that all the good things are there inside him and that somehow if you become even more of a doormat and alter your behaviour, all will be well and his good side will blossom and life will be rosy. That's a dangerous cycle to get into because he'll strip away every part of your soul bit by bit until you are even more miserable and devoid of life than you are now.

Should you phone/text him? Not on your life, you have a chance now to be completely free and discover yourself for who you really are. Give it some time and you'll find that life is incredibly good without him. Find a guy who treats you well, with respect, a guy who values you and your opinions! Get on with your life and let this guy go for good, you're better than that!

Mighty_Mouse

Anyway, I hadn't seen him for a week and while I was angry over my b'day I still really missed him. His b'day was the following weekend so I went into town and spent the day organising his pressie

Unbelievable!

Really there's nothing anybody on here can say that will help you.
You already understand the situation completely yourself.
You see the difference between whats right in a relationship & whats wrong.
You understand that he's a bast*rd etc etc
But you continually make excuses

Some people are just attracted to destructive relationships.

Truth is, even if this guy doesnt come back, you'll probably end up with another similar type guy who'll also treat you like a doormat.

But there's a reason for it.
There's something in you that accepts & tolerates this type of horrible destructive relationship.

Unless you fix it & properly understand the difference between love & obsession you're gonna have a lot of trouble for the rest of your life.

Looks like this could be your chance to make a proper decision.
It's your opportunity to decide right now what you want from the rest of your life.

I'm thinking you'll make some excuse & return to what you know best though.

Aseth

uh oh wrote: »

Anyway he was often really nasty and said things to me like it's impossible to stay faithful to me and that I wasn't what he expected and some really horrible things. At the time I just kept smiling and did what I thought would make him happy. I let him get away with doing so many bad things coz he had me convinced that I was just being a bitch when I got upset about things. He told me that he didn't wana hear what I was feeling coz my feelings are "stupid" and told me he'd rather walk away from me than apologise for anything. He just never thought he was wrong. And for a long time I just took it and tried to improve myself.

There is this type of [usually] girls that think they can change guys they love and that's their fault if it doesn't work out. Because he is sooo wonderfull it has to be something they[girls] are doing because he is Mr Perfect.

He's not. He obviously doesn't care, it's him who humiliated you in front of everyone and who treated you badly.
And I know it seems very easy to give advices and maybe it feels like you will never find anyone like him but it's simply not true.

Please make yourself a favour, forget about him, start going out with your friends and meeting new people. I'm sure you will soon find someone caring and not as Bridget often said some 'emotional f*ckwit'

Mr. Incognito

This guy is an asshole. You only want him because you can't have him.

He cheats on you, and treats you like crap. You're attractive, good for you. He dowsn't respect you and is only after one thing, trust me. Walk away.

AngryBadger

OP you allowed yourself to be a doormat for this guy.

There is no way in hell you should give him another chance.

End transmission.

Overheal

Dont hang onto this guy - for what? to be in a relationship?

Too many people get stuck in this trap that you have to be in a relationship: if you can't respect yourself enough to stand up and say hey i want x y and z and I dont want a b and c then I'd reccomend going single. Honestly there is no better time to sort out yourself and what you want from life and the people in it when the only one you have to care for is you.

Wanting a relationship isn't enough.

witchywoman

my god woman, can you not see this cad for what he is? i know that you cant really choose who you fall in lovewith, but his behaviour leaves very little to be admired about him, im guessing that you live in the country, because if you were in the city, youd soon find another target for your affections. i think that you are obviously a very nice lady, who cares deeply about people, but any fool could see that your affections are totally wasted on a w**ker like him. do yourself a favour, make a firm commitment to yourself to value yourself more and steer clear of him in future.

LegacyUser

Hey I'm back but I'm STILL banned. This will prob be deleted for that reason. Just to let you all know I never intended to seem violent, what I said was a figure of speech. I didn't mean to offend anyone so sorry if I did.

I'm just posting to say thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my original post and for the advice.Thank you

supergirl2

Hi there!!
Errr' have you read your own message to yourself??? Is it not just totally obvious to you that you deserve better??? It's so'oooooooooo obvious to me!!! I appreciate that you believe you love him but i can guarantee you in a few years you'll realise that you probably just lacked confidence & self esteem & that i was not love you felt just the fear of been on your own. Do you want to spend the rest of your life unhappy cos he let you down?? Do you not want to feel "special & adored"???
Please move on, ditch him, he's just mentally ****ing you around you deserve so much more and there is a person out there to make you happier than you could possibly imagine.
I hope you have the guts to do that.
Good luck.