Back with ex for 3rd time, but need advice; should I end it?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, Ill keep this as short as I can. My girlfriend has broke up with me twice in the past and both times after bout 6-8 weeks she has come back to me because she realised she missed me, wanted to give it another shot, etc (wont get into detail to prevent this being a super long thread). Anyway, last week we got back together again (3rd time going out).

My problem is, I just dont trust her very much and as such, Im finding it hard to love her, but at the same time Im delighted we're back together. Things that are bothering me are I dont trust her level of commitment. Meaning I keep thinking she'll turn around and say "Sorry, was just confused, unsure of what I wanted. I made a mistake getting back with you". Also, its been 8 days now and her relationship status on Bebo is still at 'Single'. She also seems to be acting distant the last while. We havnt seen each other since last Thursday because of assignments and so on, but when we were together we got on brilliantly. In fact, she nearly had teary eyes when we got back together on Wednesday... Lastly, when we got back together last time, I remember I felt the exact same as now; not trusting her commitment and thinking it would end after a couple weeks, but it didnt. We havnt had a proper talk about 'us' and our future and past and so on, she just asked if Id take her and I asked how long she felt that way and agreed, and all was well.

Please, I need others opinions on this because I dont want to make a rash decision Ill regret. Should we have a talk about the relationship and our feelings, should I just follow my gut and end things, am I being over-apprehensive about things (thinking she'll change her mind soon, etc), are these feelings of mis trust normal and will pass? I really have strong feelings for her and would love for it to work if we can make it.

Sorry about the questions, but would really love other peoples opinions or experience, really messed up at the moment and have exams in 5 weeks, which is why I want this resolved rather than letting it play out its course. We're going out 16 months altogether and are both in our early 20's

Thanks

21stone

personally ??? yes

ur even doubting it now id say , unless u 100 % happy theres no point

i was with somebody 7.5 years and during that time broke up loads etc , but got back with her because it was routine and stable

i know now after 3.5 years without her that i should have never got back with her as its never ever the same after u first break up , the sparks never there for whatever reason u broke up u always say this time it will be diff etc

u might just realise in a few years that you should have left her and moved on or slight chance u might think diff

this might sound bad but maybe she's using you till she finds somebody better , as in she likes being in a relationship but doesnt do the couply things and is distant when she dont want u and all over u when insecure

ur choice and best of luck

Fanny Cradock

If you have to ask you probably already know the answer.

Why not do what is right for you, and not what is convenient for her.

IRISH RAIL

Look after number one thats you shes doing the same when she wants you youre there. what more could she want ? she could be feeling guilty about something and when it comes around youre in the way of her feelings.
go go go go and show her the door.

rdcgenyr

get out now... ain't you ever watched a horror movie when you're screamin at the main character to run n not walk up those stairs??...... DON'T WALK UP THEM STAIRS...... its time to cut the chord...... RUN!!!!!!!!!!

girlwitcurls

she just wats a boyfriend, and wants you when your gone. its all games id say. id say walk away and cut off contact before it gets longer and harder.

WhiteWashMan

RBK1985 wrote: »

Hey guys, Ill keep this as short as I can. My girlfriend has broke up with me twice in the past and both times after bout 6-8 weeks she has come back to me because she realised she missed me, wanted to give it another shot, etc (wont get into detail to prevent this being a super long thread). Anyway, last week we got back together again (3rd time going out).

My problem is, I just dont trust her very much and as such, Im finding it hard to love her, but at the same time Im delighted we're back together. Things that are bothering me are I dont trust her level of commitment. Meaning I keep thinking she'll turn around and say "Sorry, was just confused, unsure of what I wanted. I made a mistake getting back with you". Also, its been 8 days now and her relationship status on Bebo is still at 'Single'. She also seems to be acting distant the last while. We havnt seen each other since last Thursday because of assignments and so on, but when we were together we got on brilliantly. In fact, she nearly had teary eyes when we got back together on Wednesday... Lastly, when we got back together last time, I remember I felt the exact same as now; not trusting her commitment and thinking it would end after a couple weeks, but it didnt. We havnt had a proper talk about 'us' and our future and past and so on, she just asked if Id take her and I asked how long she felt that way and agreed, and all was well.

Please, I need others opinions on this because I dont want to make a rash decision Ill regret. Should we have a talk about the relationship and our feelings, should I just follow my gut and end things, am I being over-apprehensive about things (thinking she'll change her mind soon, etc), are these feelings of mis trust normal and will pass? I really have strong feelings for her and would love for it to work if we can make it.

Sorry about the questions, but would really love other peoples opinions or experience, really messed up at the moment and have exams in 5 weeks, which is why I want this resolved rather than letting it play out its course. We're going out 16 months altogether and are both in our early 20's

Thanks

theres probably a reason you broke up in the first place.
and the second place.


sounds more like youd both be happy to settle for a 'comfortable' relationship than anything. being lonely or being afraid of not having a partner is the reason for a lot more 'relationships' than people give it credit for.

as for relationship status on Bebo, is that important to you?


why did you split up before anyway?

Wibbs

WhiteWashMan wrote: »

theres probably a reason you broke up in the first place.
and the second place.

Exactly and it's probably the same reason you'll break up again.

A break up is the final sign of something vital going wrong or missing from your relationship. Can you come back from that? Yes, but only if both of you acknowledge the problem(s) and both of you work on removing or getting around said problems. Of course the most important part of all is if you both want to work at it and there is a strong core of affection present, even if the spark is missing at the time. That's a lot of variables to overcome. If you did, then you may end up in a relationship that's more mature, stable and better than most out there. That happens. I know a few couples like you, that have had major "it's over" breakups that sometimes lasted years and now are really good. They're rare though.

DubLegs

The other posters are right. You both are in your early twenties and have so much to learn yet. Concentrate on YOU!! it's obvious that she's only looking out for herself as she wouldn't do this to you constantly and esp since you have exams - it's unfair for her to put added stress on you.

If you don't want to break up with her - play her at her own game. become distant and change ur status :rolleyes:.

redfan

shes not the only one to be that way. ive had a few g/fs like that.
i think its down to inmaturity or just not knowing what she wants.
weather the storm and tell her whats on your mind . shes holding you back from thinking straight
this is just what ive learned from my own dealing with the female species

get your self an auld milf thats divorced or widowed you wont go wrong and the sex will be incredible lol. good luck mate.

but at the end of the day keep your sense of humour theres plenty of fish in the sea .

cheers doctor redfan .lol

LegacyUser

Hi all, Im the OP of this thread

Thanks for the replies. The reason we broke up the first time was after 7 months and was because there were things that I did that really annoyed her and aggrevated her (and she did with me to a lesser extent). In particular it was the way I could get very introverted and distant at times. This lasted about 4 weeks and she said she wanted to try things again because she missed me, and I agreed not to be so withdrawn and distant.

The 2nd break up was 7 months later and lasted 6 weeks. It was due to the fact that, well to be honest, I began acting distant again. Had some family problems, money problems and college issues. Just felt stressed and had no time for the relationship really so I began pushing her away. Went on for weeks and weeks. Thats what I think happened (and Im pretty certain it is what happened), she maintained she just didnt want a boyfriend and wanted to be single. Anyway, we eventually both met up and talk and she said that things had 'fizzled out' and didnt love me anymore. I actually felt kinda the same; hadnt seen much of her at all in ages, was too stressed with other things that needed immediate resolution, was unsure if I wanted to be with her... and so on. So I said I felt the same and that was that.

HOWEVER, I eventually got on top of my problems and things were working out for me, so I had a clearer head. After a month I went back to her and apologized for being cold and pushing her away aand asked for another chance. She said no and that she didnt want a boyfriend right now, but it was cordial and friendly. After that I said I didnt want contact with her until such a point as I felt I was over her, and she was happy with that and we went our sperate ways.

NOW, she would text me the odd time trying to make small talk but Id just be short (but polite with her) because I wanted to move. then Sunday she sent me a message basically saying she couldnt stop thinking about me and wanted to meet. We kept texting each day til she met me on Wednesday (last week) and apologized for being cold, said she still loved me and so on, and said if I still loved her she wanted another chance. So I did. We never actually talked things out though, I asked how long she felt that way and she said a few weeks, but wanted to make sure she loved me so she didnt end up messing me round.... We were together Wednesday and Thursday and things were brilliant. But havnt seen her since. We text alot, but shes been acting distant or something the last few days, but maybe its just my apprehension about things?

Sorry for the lenght of that, but thats the ins and outs of things I guess!

WhiteWashMan; The Bebo thing bothers me because as I said, Im not really very trusting of her at the moment and her commitment to things, and the fact she still hasnt changed it is just playing on my suspicions alot. I could be making mountains outta mole-hills, but it just seems really odd to me.

DubLegs

After reading your last post.I think that you would be so much better off without her. You had the right idea the last time in not wanting contact with her til you were over her. You should look out for yourself, first and foremost.

Hope it works out for you.

Wibbs

Cynical hat on for a moment. I think she's coming back to you because she simply hasn't met anyone else yet, or those she has met indicated to her the grass isn't always greener on the other side, or she's so used to being part of a couple she forgets how to do the early stages and doesn't open up to another. This goes for you too. It's convenient for both of you as the alternative of going through the motions again may be daunting.

Now I also suspect that if she does meet someone that lights her fire she'll be gone and not look back and you'll be left wondering what happened. That's my take on it anyway.

As for your distance and withdrawal, that's just emotional laziness, unless you're suffering from a depressive state(which I doubt). The fact that she's given you the repeated chance to change or at least include her more is something that has it's limits. For get her for the moment, you need to start opening up more, as if you can't with a woman you're involved with this will keep happening in this relationship and the next until you do.

LegacyUser

The thing is that after I decided to have no contact with her, things were going great for me. I joined a sports team at the university and got a place on the starting team nearly right away, made alot of new friends through it and started meeting alot of girls. I was out with me other mates lots as well meeting new people and new women. The thing was though, that I always felt guilty or something upon meeting new women, like I was betraying her, and I always felt she was just so much better than them, which is why I went back to her and asked for another shot, because she really did mean alot to me, even if I thought I didnt love her at the time.

I know how she sounds after reading my posts, but she really is a nice person and very open, honest and straight forward. If she had have met new guys or wanted to break up so she could meet new guys she wouldnt have lied about it. Maybe she did try to hook up with other guys in the break up, but I tried to meet other girls. I think Id find it ok to move on from her, but as long as I have a chance of making things work with her I know that Ill always regret it if I dont try, and right now, even though Iv said I dont trust her and amnt even sure of the relationship, the prospects of breaking up with her are really horrible.

Should I meet up with her and lay this all out and ask for a serious talk about 'us' and where we see ourselves going, even though it could very well mean the relationship ends at the end of that conversation?

DubLegs

RBK1985 - Do excatly what you said! Talk to her about it, tell her what YOU want and try work on a comprise if being with her is really what you want. If it means that it ends the relationship well then it's not meant to be.
I honestly think you should go your separate ways, as apart from the issues you have with meeting someone new - you seemed alot happier. Once you get over her you will be in a better frame of mind to meet someone new - it doesn't happen overnight.
This is your decision at the end of the day, you should listen to the advice given here and take what you want from it.

CathyMoran

I broke up with my husband several times and we are now very happily married - we always loved one another but could not get past our problems until fate interevened and I got really ill and we found out what was important (each other). I would not give up on her yet - there is hope and if you are meant to be together you will be!

Jack B. Badd

OP, do you want to be in a relationship with this girl?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, thansk for all the replies

CathyM, thats nice to hear, would like to try keep positive about this.

Anyway, Im gonna give her a call tomorrow night and see what the story is. Ideally we woulda met face to face to have this out, but I cant keep having my mind preoccupied with this when Im on such a deadline for exams.

As I said already, I think I could move on, but now that Im with her and have a chance to make it work, I really want to try make it work. The thoughts of a break up are horrible (even though, if Im right, thats gonna happen very soon). I do want to be in a relationship with her, but I need to know what her feelings are about things.

Ill just lay everything out for her I guess and see what she has to say, I havea feeling though it will be that she feels she made a mistake and wants to break up Hate all this up and down crap...

cudman

Your obviously not sure your self what you want and although other peoples opinions can help I would say deep down you know yourself what you need to do. To have any future you need to have trust and if you cant bring yourself to have a conversation about hwere you stand its not a good sign.
If I really really had to give an opinion I would say, if your not sure what you want to do now take another break. However this time make it a clean break i.e. no meeting up or weekend texts (its very easy to give into temptation when you know you can have it).
Meet other girls, see how you feel after a year and if its meant to be its meant to be....do try having a conversation with her before doing anything rash.

LegacyUser

Hey, thought Id give an update. She hadnt been talking to me a while so last niht I text her saying I wanted to speak to her today because e needed to talk. So anyway, she sent me a text at 6 today saying "I want to break up, and Im sorry. Ill call ya bout 10". So at 11.20 I text her saying I wanted to talk to her, so she text me back she was tired after being out with her m,ates and wanted to leave it for tonight. Cannot believe how inconsiderate and selfish she is, she changed so much from when we were going out. Shes literally nearly a whole new person. My mates had warned me but I didnt want to see it.

As far as Im concerned we're dead to each, not because she broke up with me, but because she thought so little of me she did it with a text message.

Wibbs

Now you know. Now well rounded personalities will let their ex move on and put some distance between them to let that happen because they're thinking of the other person. That's a good thing. Then there are men and women that are very nice and attentive when they're fixated on you or in love with you, but that changes the moment they're not and then they treat you discourteously. Not a good thing in someone and sooner or later they'll not be thinking of you so they can be a very bad bet for a longtermer. I trust manners and empathy in someone before I'll trust pure emotion. The former is a constant the latter changes.