What to do? need serious help!! please!

LegacyUser

Hey guys!

im a long time reader and not a regular poster but i really need some help with this one.

Iv been going out with my gf for 6 months now, were both crazy about each other and would do anything for eachother, we do everything together and spend every minute together. A few weeks ago she left her e-mail account open on my computer and i was unable to resist but i had to have a peak at it. (yes i know i shouldnt have) there were e-mail message's there from her ex that she was saying that she wasnt to sure if she wanted to be with me etc....(btw these e-mail were sent about 2months into our relationship and i discovered them about the 4month) i confronted her about this and she agreeded that she shouldnt have been mailing him and i appologiesed for reading her e-mails but i said that there was no need for her to hide this sort of thing from me and why was she saying things about me behind me back, anyway we chatted about it for a few our and sorted it out and she promised that she wouldnt have any contact wit him again (i forgot to add that one of the e-mail that were excahnged between the 2 of them was in the 4month of our relationship and they had both agreed to meetup!) now in the past 24hrs i have discovered that they mailed eachother lastweek until yesterday, my gf is currently away and is back on thursday night (she's with her mother) - i confronted her about this e-mailing that happened in the past couple of days ( sorry i forgot to mention that i didnt go back into her e-mail to witness them but i DID stumble across the ex's page(bebo) and found him talking to another girl where he said "iv been mailing ****** the past couple of days" so i know its true because i got my GF to forward the e-mails onto me and to be honest there was nothing incriminating in them, just chit cat BUT im 110% certain after analysing the e-mail that she edit'd the e-mail before sending them to me. and now she is denying she edit'd them

What will i do?
Has anyone been in this situation?
im extremly angry and DONT want to break up with here

should i e-mail him and tell him to stay away from her?
should i e-mail him and tell him that if he keeps it up ill be getting involved?

what will i do folks?

thanks a mill in advance for your replies.

Cathmandooo

If you cant trust your girlfriend then you shouldnt be with her. You'll drive yourself mad if you cant trust her, it's not fair on either of you.

Personally I think you're over reacting and as they say an eavesdropper never hears anything good about themselves. You shouldnt have made her promise never to talk to her ex again, I dont think that's ever fair to do on anyone (unless they've had an affair or something).

If I were you I'd apologise to your girlfriend that you were checking up on her (which you were doing by reading what her ex said on his mates pages!!) and be glad you have her. Acting on this will only drive her away. I doubt that's what you want.

Learn to trust her.

tbh

I think that this is your problem. you have to trust your girlfriend, if you can't, there's no point being with her, as you'll never be able to relax unless you know exactly what she's doing and where she is.

TheDriver

I must say though that she is maintaining contact with the ex when it obviously should be finished, so sit her down and chat about it, tell her about your feelings towards this and how it upsets you. No one likes going out with someone who is communicating "oddly" with an ex.

Mr. Incognito

Just ignore it. My missus was in contact with her ex and let me know bout it, and I just ignored it though it did make me feel paranoid at times- but someone here actually gave me some great advice- if your girlfriend wants to cheat there's nothing you can do about it. You only going to come across as paranoid and psycho. Yes you have feelings for her and her for you but you don't OWN each other. Work on your relationship and it'll blow over. We're together three years and she stopped contacting him about a year into our relationship when he realised that she wasn't coming back to him. Patience is indeed a virtue.

Wibbs

TheDriver wrote: »

I must say though that she is maintaining contact with the ex when it obviously should be finished, so sit her down and chat about it, tell her about your feelings towards this and how it upsets you. No one likes going out with someone who is communicating "oddly" with an ex.

I have to say I agree with this. This communication is a bit odd and while trust is paramount to any relationship it has to be earned and not just always assumed, especially when dealing with this kind of thing. Blind faith and trust in the face of something dubious is not good.

Now communication between exes takes many forms and it's ok, even healthy if enough time has passed and they've both moved on. That's the good type and it's easy to spot as there'll be no secrecy involved, the bad type is when there's more personal contact and some of the stuff she wrote 2 months into your relationship is not good. Not good at all. She sounded a bit undecided. Now in the interim she's probably decided that you're the one for her and that's fine, but and it's a big but, the continued contact is not good. At all.

You do not want to be the boyfriend in this scenario or anything like it. http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055198930

As I wrote in that thread, I've been both in your situation and in the ex camp too. When I was in your shoes, it ended up with her going off with the ex down the line and when I was in the ex shoes, she came back to me. In both situations the exes were in contact without the boyfriend being aware to the extent of it.

Every situation and couple is different, but there are red flags and this could well be one of them. Now you do need to sit her down and ask her what's what and hopefully you'll get a straight answer. It's a hard one though.

Wibbs

SetantaL wrote: »

Just ignore it. My missus was in contact with her ex and let me know bout it, and I just ignored it though it did make me feel paranoid at times- but someone here actually gave me some great advice- if your girlfriend wants to cheat there's nothing you can do about it. You only going to come across as paranoid and psycho. Yes you have feelings for her and her for you but you don't OWN each other. Work on your relationship and it'll blow over. We're together three years and she stopped contacting him about a year into our relationship when he realised that she wasn't coming back to him. Patience is indeed a virtue.

Good point and the simple fact is that if your relationship is good she won't be pining for the ex anyway. It also is important as to who is contacting whom. If she's the one making the running, that's bad. If there's secrecy(as there wasn't in Setantal's case), that's bad too. The op has to figure out which applies to his situation.

Strings

This is not about trust here, was in a similar situation to you and posted about it here a few months ago. Did the exact same thing as yourself she never signed out of her a/c and I did what any normal person in the same situation would do checked her e-mail(lesser of two evils), anyone who says otherwise is lying through their teeth. Went on for a month and didn't say it to her, but was eating me up inside. Trust me get it out of your system say it to her, if she gets all defensive, then something is up your situation is a bit more extreme, would have probably call it a day at this stage, seems like she undecided between the two of you. Totaly unfair on you. Have some balls and say it to her its either you or him.
should i e-mail him and tell him to stay away from her?
should i e-mail him and tell him that if he keeps it up ill be getting involved?
Don’t do either of these!!!!

craichoe

just chit cat BUT im 110% certain after analysing the e-mail that she edit'd the e-mail before sending them to me. and now she is denying she edit'd them

This sounds really paranoid and mental.

I'd say dump her .. if shes lying to you then you have your answer

LegacyUser

thanks very much for the replies people! its great to get someone else's advice on the situation!

i just cant get my head around the fact that she deleted some of the mail because the conversation does not make sense between mails. (so there was obviously something to hide from me in the emails)

i will sit her down and talk to her about it but at the same time she did promise me that she wouldnt have any contact with him and she has gone back on her word and do so.

she didnt tell me that he mailed her even tho i DID ask her to tell me when he did and she also promised that she would tell me if he did.

i had to find out in order for her to tell me.

is there any point in me mailing him directly and asking him to stop mailing her as it IS annoying her(she has told me this) and its disturbing for me?

OR

do i sit back and believe her and let her promise me that it wont happen again and i find out about it another way next time?

Again thanks a million for you replies people!

Wibbs

whatwillido? wrote: »

should i e-mail him and tell him to stay away from her?
should i e-mail him and tell him that if he keeps it up ill be getting involved?

I agree with Strings on that, do NOT contact him. He's not the problem, though it seems like he is. She's the one that's in contact with him so she's the one you have to deal with. If he wasnt interested or she wasn't interested in keeping contact she wouldn't be in contact. Simple as that. NOw it could be just guilt on her part for dropping him or it could be that he helps her in ways you don't or it could be that she likes the attention or none of the above. Either way you have to get it straight from the horses mouth which is her.

drand

Cool your jets a little. If you appear suspicious and possessive then your girlfriend may not feel comfortable and open for discussing things with you.

kraggy

The lack of trust is eating you up. I can tell from your post.

I would say that this won't improve in the future either. I don't know either of you but the fact that she said she wouldn't mail him again and then she did has had a huge effect on you and thus has led you to trust her even more.

It's a hard decision to make but you have to ask yourself "will i get over this and be able to let it go and trust her whole-heartedly in the future with not even a sniff of this situation resurfacing again?".

If the answer is "yes", stick with it and work it out with her.

If the answer is "no", then I would say end it now because it's seems to be eatin you up and will have an effect on her also.

The relationship will never be the same again and will cause tremendous hurt to both of you.

Good luck.

Wibbs

whatwillido? wrote: »

is there any point in me mailing him directly and asking him to stop mailing her as it IS annoying her(she has told me this) and its disturbing for me?

Absolutely not. If it's annoying her the way she says it's annoying her, then she would tell him to stop. Very simple. She gets something out of his attention, that's clear, so I call bullshít on that excuse, I'm afraid. It's either that or she's too emotionally spineless to tell hi to take a hike. They're the two choices pretty much. All she has to do is not reply or tell him she doesn't want contact. Real simple kindergarten stuff.

Mighty_Mouse

im extremly angry and DONT want to break up with here

I'm not saying what you should or shouldnt do here but fact is if you're not prepared to dump her over anything then you're powerless.

muppetkiller

The problem here is yours OP sorry but the more you check up on your girlfriend and invade her privacy the more Paranoid you'll become.
But I would question why your girlfriend continues to contact this person when she states she doesn't want him to contact her. She could always just not respond to him.

estar

if you were going out with me i wouldnt want to see you any more
as you sound very controlling

she shouldnt have lied about talking to her ex but sometimes
things arent as clear cut as you seem to want them

perhaps they are friends - in the initial stages of a relationship its
natural to have doubts about it, as you are only getting to know
the person

grow up and stop obessively monitoring your girlfriend, her exes
bebo page, her style of reply in emails.

she must love you a lot to endure this invasion of her privacy
and handing over emails she wrote - seriously - who do you
think you are making such demands

i would tell you to go to hell for not trusting me.

LegacyUser

hey folks!

just to let you know that myself and my girlfriend have had a good aul chat about what happened and we have both cleared the air and all is good

i just want to say thank you very much to everyone who took time out of there day to help me and give me some advice on the situation that i was facing.

if i ever have a problem i know where i can go for people to listen to me.

thank you very much and god bless you all and a merry xmas and i hope you have a fantastic new year!

thank you!

kraggy

Good to hear it.

Thanks for the update.