Losing my girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I've posted about this a little bit before. Apologies for the length of this and it will probably make for a boring read for some people but i really need help.
Basically myself and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years. We're each others best friends and love each other very much. I really can't imagine myself with anyone else and I don't want to be with anyone else but her. We're both 23 and I know I'm young to feel like this about someone but I adore my girlfriend.

We both lived in Cork when we met, both living at home with parents etc. I worked in Boston for 6 months the summer before last and she came over after 4 months and stayed for the remainder of the time. It was really tough getting through the 4 months but we said that we wanted to get through it together. We used the webcam and phone and email etc and we got through it staying together and not being with anyone else and when she came over things were great.

I moved to Dublin from Cork for a job after I graduated about 3 months ago. She's still living in Cork with her parents but she's felt like she's in a real rut and hasn't really enjoyed the work she's doing and wants to move on and do something else. For a long time she talked about moving to Dublin because 3 of her sisters live here and a couple of her friends. We always said though that she couldn't move to Dublin for me alone cause we were too young to make that commitment. Although I always guess i thought she would move up eventually and I would have liked her too. I've been going up and down to Cork for the weekends or she's been coming up and things have been great when we're together, we have such good fun together at the weekends and there's always tears on Sunday night when we say goodbye again. We've been staying faithful the whole time and to be honest I haven't wanted another girl.

But about 2 weeks ago she dropped a bombshell that her sister (6 years older than her) is going to Australia for about 9 months and she is going to go too. I was completely stunned by the news because it really came out of the blue and the week before that she had been thinking about moving to Dublin again.

The night she told me we had a big conversation on the phone and I has totally heartbroken and asked her to move up to me and we could move in together. She said that she had to go do the Oz thing because she's the youngest of children and she's felt like a baby and dependent on others (particularly on me) for years. she said she wants to do it and try to mature and grow a bit in herself. These are all reasonable and good reasons for her to go.

But i'm just terrified about whats going to happen to us. We've talked about it and she said she doesn't want me to wait for her for 9 months and that we should see it as a break more than a break up and see other people maybe and try to grow a bit. She said she could see herself marrying me and it scares her cause we're so young. I'm absolutely sick to the stomach of her being with another guy it absolutely kills me.

We had further conversations and I asked her what was thinking would happen to us. I said that if she wanted to do the same thing as Boston where we try to make it work for the time and see how it goes and i could come out and visit etc. that i could do that, or did she want to break up and just leave us go.

She said can't we just enjoy our christmas and not plan it all out and just see how things go. I agreed to his but i'm in pieces for the past couple of weeks cause she seems to have distanced herself a bit. I literally had to take some time off work cause i was hyper ventilating and have dropped a load of weight cause of worrying about losing her.

During my time off we spent a good bit of time together and when we're together things seem to be fine. But when we're apart and texting as we always have done she just seems more distant. she doesn't tell me she loves me as much or that she misses me. I've been trying to hold off saying "I love you" when i'm around her over the past while to see if she says it and she did a couple of times over the weekend. But when we're apart she just seems to distance herself a bit. I've asked her about it and she said she hasn't meant to do it but that maybe she's doing it to herself to prepare for the leaving.

I've tried to be as positive as i can be about her going. I've only really gotten upset in front of her twice cause i don't want her to see me this bad. I've helped her get backpacks for going and given her advice etc. But what's just tearing me up is that I'm this bad about her going but it doesn't seem to be affecting her as much at all. she just seems to be taking it all in stride which is strange for her. I know it's easier for the person that's leaving but it's just very hard on me.

When i try to talk to her about it more she just gets upset and says that she hates seeing me this upset and it kills her to hurt me and all that. but i kinda want her to get upset because she's upset leaving me, not cause i'm upset you know?

I don't know what to do. At the moment it seems like we are breaking up when she goes away and just going to stay in contact and get on with our lives and if it's meant to be etc..

but i'm just crippled at the thought of losing her. There hasn't been one single day, not one, in 3 years where we haven't talked to eachother. even through arguements and distance we have always sent at least 1 text or a call. But i'm just falling to pieces cause of the thought of losing my best friend and the girl I love. I'm just sitting around imaging her with someone else and me just being another guy.

PLEASE if someone else has gone through this kind of situation before could you give me some advice because I'm really feeling so so down.

Thanks for reading.

NeMiSiS

I have.. and I suggest.. you forget about her.

machiavellianme

Why not go to Australia too?
Actually no. Dont go. Just leave her be and see what happens when/if she comes back. You're young, dont worry about it or think about it too long.

karry1412

Em, somehow I think he's going to have a lot of trouble forgetting about her, hence the post?

OP, I'm only 24 myself & I've been with my other half for very nearly six years so I understand your feelings for the girl a little. I'd be so devasted if my other half announced something like that.

My only suggestion is to talk to her. You seriously need to let her know how you are feeling. Maybe she was in your shoes when you were leaving for Boston & you didn't seem to be as upset as she was and now the tables have turned? I don't know. But the only way you're going to find out anything is by talking to the girl.

I wish you the best of luck & hope that you'll let us know what happens...

Blackpitts

don't hold your feelings, if you love her, tell her how much immediately.
be the perfect boyfriend and she will understand that it won't be easy to find another guy like you.
I think she wants a break and the trip to Australia is just an excuse to avoid a confrontation and break your heart.
Maybe she thinks your relationship is getting nowhere and she wants to be free, there is nothing u can do, this is going to happen sooner or later even if she will stay here.
Let her go, it's likely she will change her mind while she is away and she will miss u very much. So don't screw it up now or u'll give her anothe reason to break up.

hshortt

That's a real shame, fair play to you for writing it all out, it seems your heart is in the right place anyway. Things like this are always tough, she is moving on without you and it's hurting you. A life experience like this changes a persons perspectives, she may go and decide she can't be without you, or she may enjoy the freedom and unattachment for the duration. If it were me, I'd probably feel exactly the same as you, but I would do my best to support the other person. If you love her, let her go... blah blah blah, never helps your feelings though does it? But do your best, support her as you have been. There are girls that would love a person as devoted as you.

Or you could fight for her, all the while remembering the cost of losing that fight would be higher.

Countless others have been in the same situation, you are not on your own. Plan some things for yourself while she is away to keep yourself busy. What's nine months out of the rest of your lives?

Cheerio
Howard

craichoe

Man ...... It sounds like you need to be single for a bit.

I'd say leave her go, forget about her and enjoy being single for a while! I know it hurts now but , hate to say this, you sound really needy.

Pretend your a someone else and read your post again

If you want you could go too.

Just my opinion anyway.

pookie82

I feel so sorry for you that I'm replying not cos I have anything to offer but because I don't think that telling you to "get over it" is the answer. The truth is, she's made her decision and you can't change that. Yes its extremely difficult picturing life without someone you're this close to, but the harsh reality is that life throws all kinds of crap at you from time to time, and you can't control what other people - even those you love - will want to do. The pain you can see ahead is unimaginable I know, but you're going to have to sit yourself down and come to terms with it slowly.

Nine months seems like an eternity now but why not view it as a short break from your regular life and a chance to live by yourself for a while and decide what's best for you. If you feel when she comes back that she's still the one for you, then work to get her back. You may find that after the initial jolt of missing her, you adjust quite well to being on your own. Rely on your friands and family for support and make sure there's someone you can talk to.

If the panic attacks and anxiety persist, your GP should be able to help. I know it seems like the world is ending, but she DOES want to keep in touch, and nine months is a blink in terms of the lifetime you may have together. Accept that you have no control over her decision, and hope that maybe she'll come back having realised she was lost without you. Honestly though, the best I can say is to accept her decision and concentrate now on getting yourself through the next few months.

Mr. Incognito

If you love someone..............set them free. If they come back they're yours to keep. If not, it was never meant to be.

paulusdu

Don;t stand in her way, she sounds as if this is something that she really wants to do. ANd it could be your own insecurities that make her seem distant. 9 months on the scale of things is no time at all. I had a friend in a similar situation and it worked for him, he kept in touch every day, mail, text, skype and they are closer than ever now.

If you try to stop her going, she will resent you, and you will really tick off her family and friends, everyone needs their own time.

trust me 9 months is nothing. and maybe take a trip out for a bit of sun for a few weeks to see her.

tbh

Setanta is right. you *say* you love your g/f, letting her go will prove it. 1 year is no time at all, I promise, and if she goes and comes back to you, you are set for life. If she goes and meets someone else (or you do), it was never meant to be, and it's better that it ends sooner than later. I personally think that you'll be grand, and it'll be the making of ye.

CrazyNoob

I read it, IMO its a nice way of breaking up with you.

Its not you its me I Need to go to australia.

Here is what will happen in a little while to you,

U Tell her how you feel ( will be good for closure for you in the long term)
she will say, she hates seeing you upset and how she loves you but its for the best (or something like that), and she wont change her plans

Wibbs

SetantaL wrote: »

If you love someone..............set them free. If they come back they're yours to keep. If not, it was never meant to be.

Bang on the money. Doing this will increase not decrease the chances of her coming back around too.

Lizard Queen

i don't think a waoman has replied so im representing. Im with my boyfriend 3 years and i could not go to Oz without him. I think she may be trying to let you down easy. If she loved you as much as you love her she would not leave. I suggested talk to her and let her know how you feel but i think you should expect the worst.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for the replies it really means a lot.

I'm trying very hard to be supportive and really be there for her as a friend first rather than a boyfriend. and i do disagree with the poster who said i am needy (even though from the post it might seem like i am.) i think whats making this so hard is usually she is the one that would be feeling like me and now she's the one leaving and i just got such a shock from it.

She knows how I feel about her and at times i'm certain she loves me.like the past weekend we spent loads of time together and it just felt great, i felt a lot of affection from her and like she had missed me. it's just when we're apart at the moment she doesn't seem to be the same.

I know i have to "set her free" so to speak and i really do think that she needs to do this trip. I've done a bit of travelling and she hasn't and it will be great for her.

I could do the year and talk on the phone and all that and go out to see her for a holiday and all no problem...it's just the thought of her meeting someone else in the meantime kills me.I know 2 people who did the same thing after being together for a year and they kissed a few people over the time apart but nothing serious.they stayed in touch over there and they're back together now and happy.

I would love to think of it happening that way.just the thought of her kissing someone is really hard to deal with, but even if it was just kisses on a night out with friends i could get over that (i think) but the thought of her meeting someone over there and being intimate with him like we were just really hurts.

diamondp

i really feel for you. it must be so hard being in limbo like that. i dont have any real advise for you only this : My sister was going out with her bf for 10 months and he went to Australia for a year. the trip was all planed b4 they meet and he still went. they kept in contact by phone and txt and when he came back the love was still as strong if not stronger. four yrs on and they are still happy as ever. maybe what she said is true and she is only going to mature a bit, but the only way to find that out is to let her go and see if she comes back to you. easier said than done i know but try. Good luck with it all because you do sound like a very nice fella and as another poster said there are girls out there who would a fella as devoted as you.

Chin up

CoffeeAndTV

Hmm - why don't you suggest going with her and see what her reaction to that is?

If she seems cagey and disinterested, then this could be a nice way for her to break up with you.

She may just feel like she needs space and this is the best way to do it. I'd suggest going on a "break" before she goes away to see how she reacts to that - there is no point in you pining for her for a year if she's just gonna be out and about kissing randomers and not thinking about you.

highlydebased

I've been in that situation....albeit slightly differently

If you love her enough, You'll wait for her to return. Same goes for her.

While she's away you're gonna miss her.....make sure you take your mind off it somehow. Its not good to dwell on such things for too long.

LegacyUser

I posted her a few months ago on a similar thread about a guy whos girlfriend was going to Oz.

I will give you the same advice.

My Ex Gf and I were in a similar position to you and your GF she decided she was in a rut and went to Oz. Promised she still loved me etc and would be faithful and wanted to marry me etc

So heres what happened. She went to Oz slept with probably upwards of 20 people. Ended up having a 3 some with 2 guys that were in my course and who i still kept in email contact with. We met up for pints when they got back and they told me about this 3sum and said the girl was c*ck hungry and they themselves knew 6 people she had f**ked so they were talking about her and then one of them mentioned a tattoo so i got them to describe it, its very unique and lets just say i was pissed off, not with them obviously. I did some digging with one of her friends was there and came home because she was sick of going arounf with the new Oz bike. she told me one night that my Ex GF had gotten pregant by some dude and had an abortion over there.


At this point i was ready to go postal. But i just played it cool she had a few months left on her trip and was still txtin and calling saying she loved me and wanted to get back with me and get engaged. So i got on with my life met someone else but played my ex along. So when she came home i was not there to meet her she rang me and asked where i was "im at a wedding with my new GF" then proceeded to tell her all i knew. She pretty much had a mental breakdown and rang me non stop for about a month sent me flowers but i was not interested she eventually got into doing a good bit of drugs and ****ed her life up doing that. As far as i am concerned she deserved it.

Buddy tell her to go enjoy herself you do the same. If its meant to be its meant to be. But just ask her to be honest its the least you deserve

skywalker

One point I would consider if I was you seem to be making yourself available to her everytime she asks. You really dont have to do this if you dont feel you want to.

McSween

i feel for you aswell mate. but i reckon when you're my age (30) you may look back like i do, and think "that was way too long to go out with someone at that age", maybe you won't but a few of my mates went out with people for around 15 years of their lives and now one of the mates is seeing somebody new-he has hardly ever been single and i think he needs to be single before he commits to somebody forever!

i don't envy you cos you couldn't give a flying **** today what happens when you're a bit older but as somebody suggested above, you might be aswell to end it with her now, and let her know that you're doing it now to bring on the heartache now, instead of having to "look forward" to it.

syberspud

Sounds like a heavy scene relationship. Some good advice here but the main point is worth repeating - break up with her. It's obvious she wants to be single in Oz. If it's meant to be, it will be. Similar situation happened to my friend, his head was wrecked for weeks but...when, a year later his ex came back from Oz she was the one who wanted to try again. Pity for her my mate had already met the girl of his dreams...You're living in dublin now, I suggest you hit the town this w/e and have a good time - it'll get so much easier the more you taste the other fruits out there! Good luck.

vorbis

man I hate to say it but she sounds like she wants to break up with you but doesn't have the courage to do it properly.

Who in their right mind would tell a bf / gf of three years that they are going to a country 6000 miles (guess) away for 9 months and sure that they might get back together when they return? That is simply crazy. You would only say something like this if you were not concerned about the other person ending the relationship. Ergo, she's trying to break up with you. I have to say its a pretty ****ty way to do it.

LegacyUser

that's what I was afraid of. I did think that she was just trying to break up with me and just letting me down easy.

so a week or so ago when i first found out I asked her is that what she wanted to do cause i didn't want to just sit around and wait to be dumped.
So I said to her look we should just break up if thats whats gonna happen.

she got all upset and started crying and said why did it have to end like that.she said why can't we enjoy our christmas together and see how we feel closer to the time.

i said to her that i didn't want to be calling her in oz wondering if i was calling her as her boyfriend or as a friend. I didn't want to be calling wondering if i was "allowed" to say i miss you or i love you.

and recently again we talked about it and i said to her that i just didn't feel like she wanted to be with me anymore that she had just flicked a switch and turned off what she felt.
she got upset again and said that i was the same with boston and dublin i was excited to go and all and it was something i had to do for me and it was nothing to do with her.
she said that she's been trying hard to think of it as a positive thing and she said there had been loads of times over that weekend where she had looked at me and thought "how am I going to leave and go away from him"

thats whats upsetting me so much is that i just can't judge what she feels about me anymore whereas before i could.

at the moment i'm just trying to enjoy myself and not let her see me upset. I'm trying to be supportive for her and treat her as normal as possible.
i'm just hoping that when she goes she'll look at me and think he's been really supportive etc and that'll she'll miss me and be thinking about me.
she's a gorgeous girl and has always had guys admiring her but she's not the type of girl to go jumping into bed with other guys at all really so i would hope to god that the situation that the poster who mentioned about the 3some would not arise!