Marriage problems - Mother in law problems

LegacyUser

My wife and i were married a few years ago, had our first baby in the last 6 months. We have been having on and off problems for the last few months. The problem is my mother in law. She tries to control my wife and she manages to do so. Before we moved to the states my wife was a fun loving person who took care of herself. We moved here because we wanted adventure and start a new chapter in our lives. Due to immigration reasons we had to live with them for 6 months when we first moved over as i wasnt allowed to work until i got my greencard. From the getgo her mom wanted us to move in with them permantly, get an inlaw appartment. We were firm and stuck to our guns. Then my wife started looking for work, again her mom interferes, my wife crumbles and gets a job closeby to them. She was earning 30k less than what she was earning back in dublin. My wife seemed to abandon everything that she worked so hard to get when she was in dublin. I took a job in the city as the money was better than what i earned in Ireland doing IT work. Next battle was where we moved to next. We looked at condo's near the city, when we told her parents, they threw a fit, totally ignored our opinions and even forcing my wife to tears. Instead of fighting my wife over the decision because by now her mom had her convinced that living closer was better for us all round i crumbled and we moved to a town closeby to them. So for the past year i have been commuting 1 hour and 20 mins to get to work(including subway) At this stage i have had enough, having the baby really got to me. I want us to be closer so i can be home earlier. My wife and i constantly argue about her mom. Her mom is so negative about everything and thinks the worst. She panics very easily and suffers from depression. Her mom must call her at least 4 times a day, wanted to know what her plan for the day is. Slowly my wife is becoming like that and i hate the thought of that.

One example of how her mom is, when the baby was due her mom wanted to be in the delivery room. I said that i would just like her sister as she is in the medical field and the last thing my wife needs is her mom making her feel more nervous as she did already. We told her over dinner and next thing i know my wife is telling me that her mom is thinking of not been at the hospital for the birth. I caved and allowed her in the delivery room.

I have so many other examples but it kills me writing this as i feel like i am betraying my wife. I just want my wife back. I love her very much. I think the best thing we can do is move back to Ireland and get away from her mom. Anytime i talk to my wife about it she changes the subject or becomes defensive. I dont know where to turn to now.

Finally if we moved back would i be a failure in leaving what we have over here. I know my family would love to see us move back especially with the new baby.

missmatty

I would say you definitely need to get away from the MIL. She is controlling and was probably always like that with your wife when she was younger. You say your wife was different in Ireland, that's probably cos she was more relaxed away from her mother's control and possessiveness. Does your wife like her mother at all, does she stick up for her? I think this woman has no right dictating where ye live etc, maybe your wife is too intimidated to stand up to her after all these years.

Distance would be a great thing in this situation.

Beruthiel

You poor thing.
That would do my head in and to be honest, I cannot understand why your wife is quite happy to see you miserable in order to do what her mother wants.
How much of a discussion have you really had with her about this, have you told her exactly how you feel? You say she is dismissive, but you will just have to insist that it's discussed in depth if she wants your relationship to continue being a happy one.
btw - your first big mistake was giving in to where ye would live. Never, ever give in on something you know won't work. Time to stick to your guns.

Me, I'm quite have to have a large distance between my mother and my partners mother.
That kind of interference would ruin any relationship and it's just not possible to have the life you want when someone is sticking their nose in like that all the time.

galwaydude

My wife gets on great with her mom, i think her mom just likes the fact that she is needed. Her other daughter just tells her to but out if she interferes. When we lived in Dublin my wife was independent,had a great job and life in general. Her parents would visit, things were good. We even had dreams of starting a business. We moved here because she missed her family after been away for a few years and i fancied a change. But with a new baby on board now i think life in Ireland would be better for us as a family and financially. The most common things that people take for granted back home, education and healthcare are so much more expensive than here. My wife and baby are my main concerns and if moving back helps then so be it. I have plenty of family back home who would love to see us move back.