Advice for dealing with death

galwaybabe

I lost my Dad a month ago and my grandmother six months ago. My mother died 7 years ago. I am feeling like its all piling up on me and am dreading Christmas. I am still getting waves of grief and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I would be imposing on friends by crying on their shoulders and also it is very hard to verbalise how I am feeling. Advice please?

doubtfir3

Sorry for your losses.

The only thing which will help I feel is time, and spending plenty of it with your friends.

Your close friends will be there for you - its what they do best at times like this.. spend plenty of time in their company, and they will be a great medicine for you. They know you, your emotions, your moods and so should be able to talk with you about your losses and help you to come to terms with them.

tbh

Can I just say, if any of my friends came to me with a problem like that, I'd be absolutely honoured to try to help them. I'm so sorry for your losses, I think that this is probably something you can't deal with by yourself. If you can't talk to friends, you should have a look at grief councilling. They are specifically trained to talk to people who don't know how to talk about things. Please take the step.

I hope 2008 will be much better for you, sincerly.

Marksie

We all deal with loss and bereavement in different ways OP.

Clsoing and bottling such feelings in will ultimately prolong the grieving process. if you can exporess here that is fine, but i would not worry about "imposing" on your friends and realtives. They will understand what you are going through.

Grief does come in waves at most unexpected times. Allow yourself to just allow these feelings to go through you and accept them as part of the whole process.

If it seems that things are piling on top then take a step back and allow yourself to just let go.
if necessary and things are still increasing, try a bereavement counsellor.

LegacyUser

Hi Galway
I know eactly how you must be feeling, in the space of the last four years I have lost my Sister, my cousin and 2 very good friends all within 10 months of each other. It is the most horrible feeling to feel alone in life, I too try not to burden my friends as I think its not fair on them , everyone has their own problems. I try to deal with my loss and grief by myself which can be very hard and I do feel isolated from my other loved ones. I have gone to talk to a councillor once, a week before my sisters anniversary. I felt stupid going to talk to someone who did not know me or my sister and basically all i could do was cry. I think that maybe someday I will go back to talk about things again soon, apparently its all about trying to find the councillor that is right for you. Have you talked to anyone about berevement councilling? Also do you have any sibling which can share the load with you? Christmas is a very lonely time of year for everyone, for you it must be very hard. I just wish to sympathise with you, I have no real advise as such for which I am sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own.

SW81

Please go to your friends Galwaybabe, at a time like this if they're good friends they will want to be there for you. I'm so sorry you've had it so tough, this time of year must be awful for someone in your position. Please go to your friends, it's what they're there for. Take care of yourself x

TomMc

OP, I know what you are going through, been there myself. When a 2nd parent passes away it is that bit harder. When your mum died you had your father & granny there for support. You supported each other. You probably have more strength and depth of character, maturity than before, to deal with it now. You might surprise yourself. Other things hit you as well like the realisation that you will have to live the rest of your life without them. You can't bring them back to share in the future special occasions. The best thing to do is remember all the good times and happy memories. Be thankful for the time you spent with them and all they did for you growing up. Take their lead, we don't always get the opportunity to give back to our parents as much in return, so best to give back to the next generation using our parents as role models. It is what they would want and the best way to respect them even more.

William James once quoted ... that the greatest use of life was to spend it on something that would outlast it. And children and the younger generation are certainly those.

They have left their very own legacy on the world. Also we often need to be reminded of how much joy we brought to our parents and grandparents lives.

***

As for the more practical side of life (post bereavement), the first few weeks are tough. You find everything pretty much uninteresting. It is a real shock to the system. You do get back to the usual routine after a while. Best to spend it with remaining family and friends and hobbies/interests that occupy your time. This is straightforward enough most of the year, but Christmas is different. While some alone time is good, you do not want to be isolated too much in the early stages. Especially at Christmas time - when holidays from work results in alot of spare time with may be not a lot to do. Don't internalise or philosophise much but project your attention outwards, to people and things. The downside with having gregarious people around you for company, is that when you are alone again, it can make it that bit harder to get through. Like a palliative, not the cure. So keep good company - you know best. Time heals the loss.

All the best.

T.

galwaybabe

Thanks to everybody for your advice. much appreciated

Lollipops23

tbh wrote: »

Can I just say, if any of my friends came to me with a problem like that, I'd be absolutely honoured to try to help them.

galwaybabe,
so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. but TBH is absolutely right, the whole point of being a true friend is to be able to help them through the tough and terrible times.I'm sure they would love to be there for you, and who knows, perhaps they have already noticed that you're struggling and aren't sure how to approach you.Also, counselling might be a great idea. It's not for everyone,but many people get huge amount out of it.

I wish you all the very best for the new year.