letting her down gently..

LegacyUser

Hi all.

I was hoping to get opinions from a few people here please on a current dilemma.

I have been seeing someone for a few months and all has been going pretty well so far. She has two kids and I get on really well with her kids and also with her.

The problem is that I'm not sure I want to be with her. In the last prob two weeks I've been having doubts about the relationship and put it down to nerves that the whole thing is moving on a bit, and maybe a little 'fear' of what's to come - I'm not sure.

I happen to really like her and get on pretty well with her, but am coming to the realisation that its not going to last. I think we'd make great friends but am certain that won't happen now anyway.

Question is timing..

1. She has been in hospital recently for a procedure - getting checked for cancer.
2. Christmas is coming.
3. I really don't want to hurt her (or at least as little as possible)

On the other side...

1. I want to get it over rather than prolonging it. She is really mad about me and I don't want her to fall for me any harder.
2. I think that the sooner I tell her the sooner she can move on.
3. (perhaps most important) I just don't feel a 'spark' with her..

I am in a little bit of a dilemma though.. as I mentioned above hurting her is really the last thing that I want to do.. she is a great girl with some really cool qualities about her.

As the curve-ball, I have been aware of a tendancy of mine to bolt for the door once I start getting close to someone because of stuff that happened at home when I was young.. we don't do openess or hugs and intimacy and all that goes with a 'normal' relation ship in our family..

Also, I tend to nitpick when I meet someone and have in the past broken up with people for trivial things - I take something small and make it into something unsurmountable in my head.. and eventually break up.

She will be getting the results of her tests in a few weeks time sometime after Christmas I think.. she hasn't spoken much about it as she is worried and doesn't want to think about it.. preferring to keep it locked away in the back of her head no matter how much I try to get her to talk to me about it. (She worries that I'll worry about it).

Down to the crunch.. do you think that I'm being a complete sh1t in how I'm handling this? Is my urge to break up simply my fear of getting close to someone resurfacing?

If I do break up with her, should I wait until after Christmas/her test results? She will be alone with the kids over Christmas as her family will be away and she will be alone. I'd like to be there for her in the lead-up to her test results in case she needs me.

I know that many of you will think I'm horrible etc, but I really want to make some sense of this and handle it in the best way I can while supporting her when she needs me and at the same time making sure that she and her kids are hurt as little as possible.

(By the way, the kids are not an issue in all of this for me.. I love kids so this is not in any way affecting my decision).

Thanks..

girlwitcurls

oh my you poor crater. i dont think your a horrible person you actually sound really genuine and sound. i think your gonna have to sit this girl down and say everything thats on your mind now. the more it drags on the harder it will get.

Karen_*

I'd be inclined to say let her get Christmas out of the way if you possibly can. I've just been broken up with and my Christmas is ruiined. You have to do what you have to do but just pick your moment a bit better.

Wibbs

At any other time of the year I would say tel her straight and now, but not at christmas. No way. That may ruin it for her for years to come. wait until the new year.

I'd also wait until January. Been dumped at Christmas myself and it really isn't pleasant at all.

Perhaps your fear of getting close to someone is leading this. Would you consider counselling?
Have you regretted any of your previous break-ups?

Homer J Simpson

A long termgirlfriend dumped me just before christmas a number of years back.... ruined that christmas for me and my mood probably ruined it for my family and those around me. Seeing as she has kids it might not be the nicest for them to see their Mum upset at Christmas. That is just my opinion.

Maybe if you get through Christmas with her you might feel totally different.

Ishindar

hey man this is a tough one a really difficult situation. I really think it is impossible for the poor woman to be herself with the impending doom of cancer on her horision.
taking yourself out of the situation completely at this stage could be important but if u had something good together maybe there is a future. if she gets the all clear and gets this huge weight lifted u could have a great connection in the future. maybe help her in her fight and judge her later her spirit is distracted from u now.

Crash

I'd say go with it. among other things, if you are also worried about how you sometimes react in relationships, then wait til after christmas, but don't mark this time as "waiting til..." time. Mark it down as a bit of a fresh start in your own mind, and try and put your own issues about relationships aside.

1)you'll enjoy it that bit more as opposed to dealing with everything like its a pain in the arse and a burden.
2)You'll have a test on which to see if it is you or if its just that lack of spark.
and
3)You'll be doing a lot for someone you obviously care about, even if you think the spark is gone.

Do be fair on yourself though - i've been in a similar situation in the past, with someone i cared alot about but just didnt feel the spark anymore, and who was going through terrible times, and there does just hit a point where you have to think about yourself. leave it for christmas, but don't let yourself be dragged in purely on sympathy.

Caryatnid

Do you think the fact that she has a cancer-scare combined with the fact that the relationship is developing is perhaps pushing you away?
What I mean is, are you the type of person who runs away from a relationship when you get too close (in your opinion) and so are at greater firsk from being hurt?

Overheal

January imo is the least memorable month of the year

having said that i dunno i wont give you relationship advice on this one but I do have one query:

you say you come from a home that didn't show affection

..........and?

Been there, done that. Me father was lukewarm at the best of times :rolleyes: and i didn't live with my siblings and mother so yeha I dont get you. The first thing I enjoy about a relationship is the affection and I love giving it. You're saying you've found affection and all that stuff you never had and, well, are you afraid of it?

I suppose that would depend: I remember long ago when family life was 'normal' and then living through the "sh1te years" I never forgot about it. I suppose thats what did it for me: I just hung onto family for dear life.

I can understand the fear I suppose: that you may actually get into one of these 'family situations' and suddenly you may find yourself in a father role, completely unsure as to whether its possible you will screw it up as badly as you perceived your own experiences. But that mon amis, is something you will have to speak with Real World People about - as far as you're concerned I'm just a figment of your computer screen: go speak to your girlfriend, or a brother, or a friend, or something?!

Of course that all depends on if you feel its really about it being 'no spark' or your inhibitions; and you'd want to differentiate between the two in short order or you may end up doing something you regret later.

All the best,

Over.

Wibbs

çrash_000 wrote: »

I'd say go with it. among other things, if you are also worried about how you sometimes react in relationships, then wait til after christmas, but don't mark this time as "waiting til..." time. Mark it down as a bit of a fresh start in your own mind, and try and put your own issues about relationships aside.

1)you'll enjoy it that bit more as opposed to dealing with everything like its a pain in the arse and a burden.
2)You'll have a test on which to see if it is you or if its just that lack of spark.
and
3)You'll be doing a lot for someone you obviously care about, even if you think the spark is gone.

Do be fair on yourself though - i've been in a similar situation in the past, with someone i cared alot about but just didnt feel the spark anymore, and who was going through terrible times, and there does just hit a point where you have to think about yourself. leave it for christmas, but don't let yourself be dragged in purely on sympathy.

Good advice.

davyjose

Tell her your concerns about the speed and seriousness with which things are moving. Tell her that you are having doubts. Ask her would she be prepared to slow things down a bit. If she''s not prepared to accept this, then leaving her IS the right decision.
I know how it feels to go into a relationship where there are children involved (particularly when you have none). It's crazy overwhelming - I think this needs to be explained. And I know how it feels when that person has medical problems - It seems unreasonably scary and daunting. She owes you the opportunity to slow things down.
Plus she'll be warned if things don't work out in the end. So give it a little bit more time, but do it on your terms (or rather, compromised terms).

LegacyUser

Thank you all.. I don't know why but I was actually expecting to get somewhat flamed for the post.. I feel that I'm a bit of a sh1t in all this though now I see that thankfully that just appears to be in my own head.

Thank you crash for the advice - I really think that I do owe the relationship that much.. I want to give it a proper chance over Christmas and then see in January if I still feel the same way.

And I definitely won't be breaking up with her before/over Christmas - its not something I would like others to do to me so I wouldn't bring it on her either.

Caryatnid, I think I know her pretty well at this stage.. like me she's very straightforward and no BS about her.. to be perfectly honest the cancer thing isn't an issue at all for me. Of course she (and I) are worried but we decided from the start to stay positive about it - I knew within a few days that it was coming and I didn't really react at all to it because its not something I would freak out about.

I don't know.. I think the best thing for me to do is to shrug off the current thoughts and give it my all over Christmas and then decide in the New Year - at least that way I can approach it with a fresh mind and can get to enjoy Christmas with her.

Thanks for the replies and help.

Mighty_Mouse

Apart from xmas day,valentines, b'day .............all other days are good.

What are you doing getting to know her kids after only a few months?

IMO do it immediately cos there will always be some reason not to.

You can still check in on her around the time of her tests if you like

Finally, hopefully it doesnt happen but what you gonna do if the results come back positive?
Gonna be pretty tricky to pick yer moment then.

Kaldorn

I think you should do it now because of all the parties you will go to over christmas,dont tie yourself down when you could be out there getting your leg over..you dont love her so move on,you are only staying with her becuase of the results..you know in your heart that you should move on.
lots of drunken ladies around down this time of year one or several has your name on them....

moco

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

Apart from xmas day,valentines, b'day .............all other days are good.

What are you doing getting to know her kids after only a few months?

IMO do it immediately cos there will always be some reason not to.

You can still check in on her around the time of her tests if you like

Finally, hopefully it doesnt happen but what you gonna do if the results come back positive?
Gonna be pretty tricky to pick yer moment then.

Good point about the test results!

OP if I were you and you were sure you don't want to be with her I'd say finish it ASAP but you still seem to be unsure of what you want.

There's no good time to dump someone but I'd say do it as soon as possible for your own sanity if you really want to.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your replies.

I had a long chat with her last night.. it was great and really reminded me once again just what it is I like about her.

We spoke about the relationship and our thoughts and fears and she told me that she felt she was putting me under pressure and didn't want me to be hemmed in. She gave me an "out" but I didn't take the bait.. not for now anyway.

I've decided to give it my all over Christmas and then if I still feel this way after the New Year then we'll break up. We know that we get on great etc but have agreed that it takes more than that for all to succeed.

So, we'll give it a chance and see how it goes!

Thanks all for your advice and input.

Overheal

no problemo let us know how it goes... we're suckers for a good conclusion