Need Men's Advice on Winning my Boyfriend Back

LegacyUser

Hi, I really need some advice from guys cos most of the people I've been speaking to are other women, and I think I need a male perspective to be sure I'm making the right move.

My boyfriend and I had been together for the last 2 and a half years, living together for 2, mostly outside of Ireland, and most recently in a rather ****ty corner of Europe, cos I got a new job. About a month ago, he left me and went home to Dublin, due to me having treated him very, very badly for a few months (won't go into full details, but I recognise now I was completely out of order and, even though we had our problems, I was responsible for many of them).

When he left me, in good old "don't know what you've got til it's gone", I realised how out of order I'd been, and how desperately I wanted him back and to make things work. For the first few weeks of being apart, he was angry (of course) and sad, but he was willing to talk to me, we exchanged emails, were very open and communicative about what had been happening in our relationship, etc. At the same time, he said he needed space. Then, about 10 days ago, he told me he couldn't do it, he couldn't see a future for us, even though he still loved me, and that it was over between us. I really believe he still loves me, we had such a wonderful loving relationship most of the time (until recently) and I still love him so much. I'm convinced we should get back together. But since he ended things finally, he hasn't replied to an email I've sent or a text.

I'm prepared to do anything to win him back. I believe he felt he had to end our relationship cos he could never see himself moving back to where we've been living the last few months - it's not a good place to live, and the whole time we were here we were unhappy. The only reason we were here was because of my job. Now, at the same time, the job has not been going particularly well for me.

I'm due to go home for xmas in 10 days time. I'm thinking if I am going to breakthrough to my boyfriend, to convince him that I've changed, that I regret all my behaviour and prepared to put our relationship as my top priority, I need to make a big bold statement to him. So I'm thinking I'll quit my job, and just turn up at home and tell him I've quit and am there to win him back.

I'd still be thinking about quitting the job anyway, even if it weren't for the relationship, but the truth is it's the driving force. I suppose my last concern is that doing this - giving my boyfriend a 'fait accompli' that I've quit the job for him, might somehow be the WRONG move, rather than (as I see it at the moment) the only possible way I can win him back. I know men can sometimes need more space than women, and I may have played my attempts to win him back wrong. I'm just worried that if I didn't make this move now, then giving him space (now that he's told me it's over) would only give him the space to get over me. I don't want him to stop loving me, I want him to give me one more chance to make our relationship work.

I know I'm probably not explaining this very well and am leaving a lot out, but I guess what I need to know from other guys is:

if this was you, if you'd been hurt by a girlfriend but still loved her, would her making a bold move like this be enough to convince you to give her another chance? Or would it anger you, or would you not care at this stage? Is my timing right?

Any advice would be great. I need to make my decision soon. I think I'm decided to quit, but just need some reassurance that this isn't going to be counter-productive.

ntlbell

leave him alone.

supertramp

It would be foolish to quit your job, for that purpose only.

How can you be sure, never mind him, that you have changed?

I agree with above, leave him be.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't be quitting the job ONLY because of trying to save the relationship, but I think putting my relationship ahead of my job is the right move - this is where I went wrong to begin with. I can't be sure I've changed, nobody can ever be sure of anything, but I've done a LOT of soul searching these last weeks.

Guys, when you say leave him alone, do you mean I should give up altogether, that I'm never going to win him back? I don't think I can do that... or do you mean if I leave him alone we've a better chance of finally getting back together?

God, so confused

Gyalist

Then, about 10 days ago, he told me he couldn't do it, he couldn't see a future for us, even though he still loved me, and that it was over between us. I really believe he still loves me, we had such a wonderful loving relationship most of the time (until recently) and I still love him so much. I'm convinced we should get back together. But since he ended things finally, he hasn't replied to an email I've sent or a text.

Sorry to say this, but it's over. He tried to let you down gently by telling you that he still loved you but it seems that he's begun to move on. He's sending you mixed messages but if you separate his words from his actions you'll get the real message. You need to accept that the relationship is over and start taking steps to move on too. Quitting your job and giving up everything, under these circumstances, seems desperate and needy. What if you did that and arrived back in Ireland only to find that he has a new girlfriend? Maybe just email him the dates that you're going to be in Ireland for and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to meet you when you're here. Though, if I were in you position, I'd just cut my losses.

The_Conductor

Sorry- but it really does sound like its over. It sounds like it was very unhealthy over the past few months- he has accepted that its over and moved on. Unfortunately you really have to respect his wishes.

rathmaniacal

A friend of mine was in a similar position and her method worked: Get him drunk, ride him, and pretend to be pregnant. Worked for her.

LegacyUser

rathmaniacal wrote: »

A friend of mine was in a similar position and her method worked: Get him drunk, ride him, and pretend to be pregnant. Worked for her.

Jesus Christ...what the ****?

The_Conductor

rathmaniacal wrote:

A friend of mine was in a similar position and her method worked: Get him drunk, ride him, and pretend to be pregnant. Worked for her.

Wonderful- so you recreate a relationship- only now its based on a lie and coercion.

LegacyUser

Am assuming rathmaniacal was only joking...?!?!

Guys, can it really be over so quickly? It's only 5 weeks since he left, and only 10 days since he told me it was over, can a 2 and a half year relationship really be gotten over in such a short space of time? I just can't accept that it can be completely over, with no hope or chance, so soon...

Gyalist

While you say that he only physically left you a month ago he could have mentally left the relationship a long time before making the break.

I'd be delighted for you if you got back together but, from all that you've written, that looks unlikely.

What are your reasons for being so desperate to get back with him?

LegacyUser

Gyalist - because before things started to go rocky (which in truth was about four months ago, but it only got really bad towards the end) we were really, really excellent together. Best friends, with shared visions for the future, shared passions and beliefs... we'd talked about marriage and kids. Really, this was a proper, serious relationship. I just can't give up on it so quickly

AdrianII

dont quit your job yet

when your home, arrange to meet with him face to face and discuss what went wrong and how things could be different.

Has he met someone else ???

Jack B. Badd

Chigre wrote: »

Guys, can it really be over so quickly? It's only 5 weeks since he left, and only 10 days since he told me it was over, can a 2 and a half year relationship really be gotten over in such a short space of time? I just can't accept that it can be completely over, with no hope or chance, so soon...

Time is not really the issue. Once a relationship is over, it's over. And from the sound of it yours is over. Tbh, OP, if it got to the point of me leaving and moving country for my SO to realise he was treating me badly then I'd consider it over too. Imo you should learn from this and move on (and let him do the same).

friday one

I think Gyalist's idea of emailing him the dates and leaving him decide is a good idea. Leave him know your prepaired to come back.

I hope it works out for you.

flogen

It's hard for anyone to give you advice without knowing why your relationship broke apart in the first place.

Assuming that's not something you're willing to go into you have to ask yourself what the real reason was - was it the way you treated him or the fact that your job came first and he didn't?

If it's the former, then quitting your job won't change how he feels... so don't quit it for that reason along.

If it's the latter then you have to ask if you'd regret quitting the job for him, which is something that would ruin your relationship in the future even if it saved it now.

I'd suggest trying to meet up with him face to face when you're back and if he agrees you can talk through everything. Why he left you, what you need to do and have done to remove the issues that led to this and why he feels that he cannot get back with you despite still loving you.

Rb

You treated him badly for "a few months", enough for him to physically leave a country and actually have to spell it out to you that it's over, yet you still think he loves you?

Leave him alone, don't contact him again and let him enjoy his Christmas. You seem to have done enough damage to him already.

Wibbs

About a month ago, he left me and went home to Dublin, due to me having treated him very, very badly for a few months (won't go into full details, but I recognise now I was completely out of order and, even though we had our problems, I was responsible for many of them).

Taking responsibility is a start. The thing is that for him it was too late for you to show that. Leaving the job now, may show that, but I doubt it and I wouldn't do it for that reason, anyway. Leave the job if your not happy in it. Simple as that. BTW treating him "very very badly" is obviously not so good. It may make a difference as to how you treating him. If it involved infidelity or just constant nagging, few will want a return match, male or female. You would have to show you've changed not just say it. Again probably too late.

he said he needed space.

You should have given it to him. You still should

Then, about 10 days ago, he told me he couldn't do it, he couldn't see a future for us, even though he still loved me, and that it was over between us.

Pretty clear.

I really believe he still loves me, we had such a wonderful loving relationship most of the time (until recently)

If you've been together for years and he moved country to be with you, I'm sure he loved you and still does. Love isn't an on off button. Of course he loves you, but not enough to be with you.

and I still love him so much.

At the moment the fact is he won't care that much about that and telling him that in the light of recent events may come across as being all about how you feel. What he cares about is how he feels about you and where he wants to take that.

But since he ended things finally, he hasn't replied to an email I've sent or a text.

He's told you he needs space and you didn't listen to him. Now he's ignoring you looking for that space. He's effectively telling you what he wants from you so give it to him.

I believe he felt he had to end our relationship cos he could never see himself moving back to where we've been living the last few months - it's not a good place to live, and the whole time we were here we were unhappy.

OK that will impact any relationship, but if you had been fine in other ways then that would have been a lot less of a stress to him.

I need to make a big bold statement to him.

Then give him space.

So I'm thinking I'll quit my job, and just turn up at home and tell him I've quit and am there to win him back.

Great in theory and may work in sitcoms, but I would be shocked if it worked in this case or in real life in general. He knows you don't like the job, so it's no big deal for him and he will ask himself why you didn't do it before or more to the point why you didn't treat him with more kindness, regardless of the job. Giving him space is a better bet(you see a pattern here?)

I'm just worried that if I didn't make this move now, then giving him space (now that he's told me it's over) would only give him the space to get over me.

No it'll give him the chance to think and reflect and indeed to miss you, if that's going to happen. If you think not talking to you for a month is going to make him get over you, then there wasn't much to get over now, was there? He loved you enough to move to a shítty country, did he not?

I don't want him to stop loving me, I want him to give me one more chance to make our relationship work.

At the moment you're in full flight panic mode and it's all about what you want. Not necessarily what he wants, is good for him or you and what is good for any future relationship. You can't make him take you back, but you can make any chance you may have slip away.

Give him the space he asks for. Don't contact him, wait for him to contact you. Move on or at least try to do so. Make your own decision about the job. Reflect on what part you played in the breakup. Make the decision not to do that again with him or anyone else. The relationship you had with him is now over. You will have another relationship again and it may be with him, but that wont happen until you give him and more importantly yourself space. If there was some real love there, then distance won't diminish it.

Sleepy

You can't 'win' someone back.

craichoe

Sounds to me like your relationship is over ... Even if you did get back together it would be for a short stint as you would always remember him going home and leaving you, or be resentful for leaving your job .. theres too many issues there.

Move on

Wibbs

Sleepy wrote: »

You can't 'win' someone back.

True, but you can do things that make it less likely that they may reconsider things. In any event in some ways you "win" someone in the first place. It's not that much of a stretch to suggest that you can increase your chances of re attracting an ex, if of course that's healthy or what you want to or should do. Mostly it's not as it's based on a selfish need for the other person and that's not love by my definition anyway.

craichoe wrote:

Sounds to me like your relationship is over ... Even if you did get back together it would be for a short stint as you would always remember him going home and leaving you, or be resentful for leaving your job .. theres too many issues there.

Aye there's the rub. To rebuild a relationship from this point even if both parties are willing takes a lot of work and emotional effort on both sides. It takes enough effort to sustain even a healthy relationship so the odds are stacked against it when it gets to this point. It may explain why that in the relationships I know that have gotten back together and worked, they have worked so well, even better second time around, because the work and commitment were there. The basic love, respect and friendship was there too. Circumstances just got in the way. That's rare enough though.

Dragan

ntlbell wrote: »

leave him alone.

Bingo. You had your chance and you blew it. Leave the poor bugger alone.

starn

Walk away

qz

Give the guy some peace. Sorry if I come across as harsh but from what you've said of your bad treatment towards him for a few months, I really think he deserves to be left alone.
I also think you'd be lying to him if you returned and told him you'd quit your job for him, when you're after saying that you had intended to leave it anyway.
I really think it's too late and if I was your ex in this situation (I'm in a similar enough one) I'd want a fresh start. Leave him alone.

Mr. Incognito

So he leaves Ireland to be with you at your new job. You resent him in your new powerful life. Treat him like crap. He say's enough and goes home (Insert A) Now that your job isn't as great as you thought and you realise that it's no substitute for a real life you look around and say, hey wait a minute. Too late lady.

You relationship ended long ago (see A)

Too bad you weren't there to see that.

spinandscribble

quiting your job SCREAMS emotional blackmail, "oh look what i did for you.... you still dont want me back? you *astard!"

i think the way you treated him badly might be more spectacular then you're letting on. belittling it calling it "a few months" doesnt cut it. he cant trust you now.

craichoe

Im curious .. what did you do to him that qualifies as bad treatment ?

L'prof

craichoe wrote: »

Im curious .. what did you do to him that qualifies as bad treatment ?

She probably cheated on him but, won't say that because she knows the only response she will get then is that she has no right to try and get back with him and she deserves the situation that she's in...purely speculation btw but, OP am I wrong?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone, thank you for the advice, most of you. Good to get some strong opinions, I appreciate them, though damn some people can be harsh / judgmental. Though I suppose that's what you let yourself in for when you post to a public forum! For the record I did NOT cheat on him, but I was not a nice person, I was neglectful, mean. But I'm not gonna go more into it here (public forum, judgmental people, all that...). Anyways, just wanted to say thanks, this has been useful for me in trying to figure out my head, even if it's stung a little.