Broke up with boyfriend, very upset

Karen_*

My boyfriend broke up with me Monday. We haven't been getting on for a while and with each other nine months. I know this doesn't sound like a huge amount of time but I'm totally devastated.

There were problems because he was still seeing me two nights of the week and all day Sunday and I felt he should see me more. Also he never let me talk about anything to do with our relationship. He was so affectionate when he was with me and texted me all the time and so even when I didn't see him he was ever present.

I tried to talk to him Sunday night but he told me he didn't not want me in his life. I went home and became upset and was texting and again he was saying he wanted me around. He wasn't saying what I wanted to hear though and that was 'I want you in my life' not 'I don't not want you in my life'.

On Monday I was still upset so he ignored me for most of the day and then texted with I meant the world to him but he was sorry he wasn't the person he wanted me to be and he just didn't feel the same way about me as I do about him but I'm very special and important to him. I was in bits of course and then replied back hearing nothing. So I know I sound like a total psycho but I went ovr to his apartment when I knew he'd be coming back from playing squash. I was really upset but he did talk to me. I feel very cheated because if he'd talked to me ages ago I feel we could have worked things out. He wants to be friends, I'm very special and important to him and he wants to go out with me tonight. Nothing he'd like to do more apparently!!!

And here's the thing, he continued to text me during the week, my replies were very upset and sometimes angry. But then I thought I can't keep doing this to myself, I can't be friends as it hurts too much. So I sent a text saying that I needed to move on, it was either n or off and being friends is too hard for me but that I wished him well and would miss him. It took loads of guts for me to do that because I knew with him being stubborn and liking to blame me for things that it was final and I would never hear from him again. It was a total wrench and the hardest thing I've ever done. But he texted back! 'Don't be like this, I need you and want you in my life. I was really looking forward to Saturday ad to doing things over Christmas. You are a big part of my Christmas.' I agreed to going out Sat then like an idiot. More texts followed and I sent 'Look I really can't do this, I need to move one and have some self respect, you can't expect me to be happy and for us to get on better when I'm being offered less than before. You can't expect to hurt someone like that and then have them sit on the sidelines of your life, this is not good for me and I have to start looking after myself'. I thought well Ive done it twice now and given him a total way out so thats the last I'll hear from him. Again the please dont' be like this texts and the I need you, you're part of me and my closest friend.

So I'm seeing him tonight. And I know I shouldn't. My week has been hell, I haven't slept or eaten. At times I've felt like I'm going to pass out and its been a nightmare in work trying to hold it together. I just want to lie down and die. I feel like I'm a total and utter lunatic and horribly ugly and unloveable. And the whole thing is my fault. I was always being in bad moods and he's a fun loving guy but I could never ignore the limitations put on me as regards time. Why is he doign this? Why couldn't he just let me go? I know I'd feel just as bad now but I'm so confused and find it so hard to accept that its over.

rainbowtrout

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think you did the right thing telling him that you needed time away from him, I was in the same situation a good while back and he kept contact because it suited him to string me along.

If your boyfriend broke up with you and you are upset and have told him you need space he should respect that, regardless of why you broke up. He doesn't have the right to break up with you and then tell you that he has to keep seeing you and have you in his life, that's suiting him and it doesn't give you a chance to move on. You're not getting what you want from the relationship but it will always leave you wondering 'well maybe he'll come round and we'll get back together'.

He tells you that you're his closest friend, yet he refused to talk about your relationship and broke up with you. Surely if you meant that much to him, this wouldn't have happened?


Personally I think you should make a clean break, tell him you need time away from him, no meetings, no calls, no texts, because you won't be able to move on otherwise. And don't blame yourself, there are two people in every relationship

jellie

right now you have to be selfish & think about yourself and whats best for you, not about what he wants.

he has said he doesnt want to be with you, is being friends going to be enough for you? my guess is no. maybe someday you can be friends, but if he wont give you the relationship you want then youll never get over him by spending time with him as "friends". he is suiting himself & not thinking of your feelings or how this will affect you at all.

If he doesnt want you as a girlfriend my advice would be to cut all contact. this is not about what he needs, its about what YOU need and your sanity. i know i wouldnt be able to cope being friends & seeing so much of someone who had just broken up with me. think how this will affect you, not what HE needs (i know its hard to ignore what someone needs if you love them but you need to think of you right now, breakups are tough)

Be strong. I hope everything works out ok for you.

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's going through a rollercoaster of emotions too. He still has feelings but he knows he doesn't love you the way you love him. He's still going to miss you dearly. Explain you simply can't take a friendship now but that in the future it may be different. You shouldn't be angry at him, he's being honest with you & by finishing it now you can move on with your life. Explain that you're not but it's just far too difficult to handle right now.

I'd advise you avoid him right now, if you end up having sex or even drunkenly kissing it could get very confusing. Also imagine how you'd feel if he started talking about a new girlfriend.

his-lil-lady

wow....kinda like deja vu for me...

been in a very similiar situation with my ex....loved him more than anything, nd when he broke it off with me i was a nervous wreck...couldnt eat or sleep(lost a good half stone) or do anything without breakin into tears every few minutes....

then we kept texting, and meeting up just to hang out nd stuff and well ya can guess what happened next......when we kissed again i thought everything was back in place


teh more time we were spending together teh more i fell for him again and forgot how badly he was treating me...made him choose last week between all of me nd none of me and guess what his response was-"actually im meeting one of the girls that im living for the last two weeks...."
so thats the end of that...finally!still love him and want him and hate it, but i know hes a user, because i let him use me.

its gona be hard not to fall back onto being with him cos the both of ye are so used to it, but i would be very careful about meeting up with him and stuff. i would like to advise you to cut all contact, but thats what my friends told me and i didnt listen, but i learnt a very valuable lesson at the end of it....and things are good again, it takes a while but it <u>will</u> get easier.

you deserve better.


hope thats some help....x

LegacyUser

Well I went over to him last night, drank lots of wine and cried. I told him I wasn't doing friends and he practically begged and said he'd never have broke it off if it meant not seeing me again. I stayed over and did have sex with him. I know! Don't even say it! He said things could be the same just that we weren't going out. I said no way was I going to carry on sleeping with him without him even having the respect to go out with me. He was upset, said I was his best friend in the world and part of him and special. I said well nto special or important enough to work things out with. I said I needed to move on and could not do it as being friends, that my week had been hell and I wasn't having another week of it. I said in fact he did me a favour as I was going to make big changes in my life with the goal of me being happy and taking care of myself. He said well could I not just even see him occassionaly and I said no, I had too much self respect to settle for less than I had before and it would hinder my getting over this. I also said that I would be fine and obviously this week had been very upset but I was going to use it to learn. I was changing patterns and was not going to satisfy his need to be friends and make a fool of myself in the process. Tis morning more of the same, he didn't want me to leave and kept hugging me. I said 'Goodbye Michael' and walked. I don't know but somehow I feel just a little better. I'm going to go for a little sleep and when I wake up I'll probably die of shock all over again. I've made it clear e won't ever see me again and I won't be changing my mind about that.

Karen_*

Well I went over to him last night, drank lots of wine and cried. I told him I wasn't doing friends and he practically begged and said he'd never have broke it off if it meant not seeing me again. I stayed over and did have sex with him. I know! Don't even say it! He said things could be the same just that we weren't going out. I said no way was I going to carry on sleeping with him without him even having the respect to go out with me. He was upset, said I was his best friend in the world and part of him and special. I said well nto special or important enough to work things out with. I said I needed to move on and could not do it as being friends, that my week had been hell and I wasn't having another week of it. I said in fact he did me a favour as I was going to make big changes in my life with the goal of me being happy and taking care of myself. He said well could I not just even see him occassionaly and I said no, I had too much self respect to settle for less than I had before and it would hinder my getting over this. I also said that I would be fine and obviously this week had been very upset but I was going to use it to learn. I was changing patterns and was not going to satisfy his need to be friends and make a fool of myself in the process. Tis morning more of the same, he didn't want me to leave and kept hugging me. I said 'Goodbye Michael' and walked. I don't know but somehow I feel just a little better.
I've made it clear he won't see me again

But I feel awful, I hate myself I feel like I've nothing to do now and nothing to look forward to and I miss him.

Storm_rages

Hi Karen!
Wow thats is so hard to do! I am very impressed with you! and you are dam right he can't sleep with you and then say i don't want a relationship!! (what a dick!!) ok i know it is really hard but stick to your guns! i don't think you can be friends with him! Life is going to be hard but you will start to feel better soon!!
BIG HUG!!

his-lil-lady

well done!!!

u are such a strong person for doing that!



dont think theres much else to say really, you seem to know that you deserve better than to be treated like that, so dont forget it!
x

Karen_*

Oh thanks! I feel a lot better now. I thought I was totally pathetic for crying and talkign to him. I didn't ask him to get back with me at all. I said I respected his desicion and he had to respect mine and that I needed to move on a friendship really wouldn't work for me. First he said we could see each other as much as before and I said no. Then he said would I see how I feel in a couple of weeks and only see him occasionally if I liked. I said no again. I said alot of the problems were my fault because of self exteem issues and how would I be helping myself if I were to accept even less of a relationship than before. And how could I expect him to respect me if I were willing to do that? I'd want him back but how could I expect him to have enough respect and therefore attraction?

He started talking about concert tickets etc that we had and I was like 'well go on your own or bring someone else!' What am I do do? Make an eejit of myself because he'd bought a few tickets. He said I was part of him and he couldn't be without me, he needs me in his life. Well I need him but I need no one on their terms alone especially when the terms were going to hurt me more. He said how special I was to him and if I would just give him a chance I would not regret it and would see how well he can treat me. I said I am not hanging around like a begging puppy for the crumbs off your table and if you really care you'll want whats best for me and let me go. What is his problem? He either wants me or he doesnt!

rainbowtrout

Karen - that was great, really hard to do, but you really stood up for yourself. It was really selfish of him to expect you to continue to sleep with him but not willing to have you as his girlfriend. You have done the right thing. It will take time to get over him, but in the end you will feel better and you will know you have done right by yourself. And you are unlikely ever to end up in a situation like that again. You know now that if you were able to walk away from that situation that you will never accept anything less than what you deserve.

Give yourself some time to get over him and enjoy the Christmas season!

Karen_*

Yeah I just feel like I've walked out of there with my head held high and not the total loony mess I've been all week. I said to him that this was the easiest for me, I couldn't spend anymore time hoping for his texts and living to see him and that what I would do. And if one Sat he wanted to do something else I'd be totally crushed! What sort of life is that?

When I said about the no way was I going to have sex with someone who hadn't the respect to be going out with me he was like 'fine, no sex then just I need you in my life'.

He bloody well didn't expect this did he?:mad:

Storm_rages

fair play to you babe!

rainbowtrout

Karen33 wrote: »

Yeah I just feel like I've walked out of there with my head held high and not the total loony mess I've been all week. I said to him that this was the easiest for me, I couldn't spend anymore time hoping for his texts and living to see him and that what I would do. And if one Sat he wanted to do something else I'd be totally crushed! What sort of life is that?

When I said about the no way was I going to have sex with someone who hadn't the respect to be going out with me he was like 'fine, no sex then just I need you in my life'.

He bloody well didn't expect this did he?:mad:

He definitely wasn't expecting you to be so strong and to stick to your guns, he probably thought you would give in, in the end. Do stick it out, he will only want you when it suits him. And it would only be a matter of time before he was trying to get you back into bed. What happens when he meets another girl and dumps you again?

Fair play to ya, your boyfriend (or I should probably say ex) will know not to mess with you again.

jellie

well done, youve been so strong. when i broke up with my ex there was a whole lot of headwrecking contact before id had enough & was able to do that. i understand how completely heartbreaking it is to tell the person you love to never contact you again, but by doing it now youre cutting out so much extra hurt that comes with staying in touch.

you should be proud of yourself. try remember this during the times youre feeling weak (they come, especially when youre drunk) & want to contact him. it only makes things so much worse.

dirtydress

Im so glad to read your later replies...you absolutely did the right thing. If he was really a good friend and a good person most of all then maybe later on a few months down the line you guys will make contact again and be friends but right now he needs to know he doesnt get it all his way. You did great and should be very proud of yourself

Karen_*

I am proud of myself but just was driving to the shops there and had to pull over and cry. Because I'm so confused as to why its so vital to him to have me in his life with his 'I need you and you're part of me texts'. He nearly died when I texted during the week that I wanted a clean break i.e no contact and he spent hours trying to persuade me to friendship last night and was gutted this morning when I was going. And I could have him in my life and I keep thinking could I go back and accept that but no, it would be torture. I know its torture now anyway but do I really need to be keeping the company of someone who's rejected me? He went into geniune panice every time this week I said I wanted severed contact.

I'm in so much pain. I feel like I've no life now and nothing to look forward to and I'll nevr meet anyone or want anyone again. I just keep thinking of all the bad things about me and there are loads. How will I cope with Christmas? How will I cope with New year? I don't want to go anywhere.

I was seeing a guy for two years before him who basically was going out with everyone else in Dublin at the same time and was using me. I an NOT being anyones convenience again. I know me and Mike would just end up hoppign into bed all the time and without the respect of having a relationship with me. Because I love him there's no way I can do it. No way. I feel gutted but I like to think I have walked away from this with some shred of self respect. I didn't once ask him to take me back either last night although I did a good bit of crying I was resolute in my decision. But it nearly killed me to walk out today. He just kept hugging me and trying to get me to sit back down but he wouldn't say anything. I just wrenched away and walked. How am I going to get through another day or even go to work tomorrow. I feel like I'm really ill or something.

dirtydress

I know how you feel, really I do. My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago and its been one confusing turn of events after another...I know you're afraid of him being upset by your actions but you have to keep remembering, this is HIS choice, HE ended it. You need to be a little selfish right now and think about yourself. I know you feel like you have nothing to look forward to, I do too a lot of the time but i threw my energy into looking for a new job and getting other little things in my life sorted and it really helped. Surround yourself with your mates and make sure you have stuff planned with them so you feel busy. It sounds cheesy but try to be as positive as possible...if you dwell on the bad things then you'll never get out of bed. Good luck xx

Karen_*

He said that we weren't getting on and he was worried we were going to have a huge row and never speak again so he ended it hoping to be friends. I've been promised the sun moon and stars for this friendship. When he was trying to get me to reconsider I said 'you did this not me, this is your choice to end it and so never see me again'. And he said 'well I wouldn't have done it if I had known that would be the outcome, I thought we are so close and such good friends that this would save us from losing each other altogether'. And I said well do you really think I'm going to be ok being friends with someone who'd do this to me by text befor Christmas. I know there's never a good time but its horribly insulting that he can talk about things now but one of the main problems in our rel was that he didn't like hassle and so refused to discuss anything. Rather than talk and try to work things out he dumps me and is genuinely amazed that that hasn't solved all the problems!! I just said well well done the one thing you wanted to avoid is the very thing thats happened. You want to break up? Well a break up is exactly what you're going to get and so it hasn't saved our friendship at all has it?

And what sickens me is that when I was trying to explain how it would be better for me to move on and didn't he want what's best for me I got, but I need you, you're a huge part of my life, trust me that this will work and you'll see how great I can be. See me loads or see me occasionally, take time if you need it. What am I going to do about the concert tickets. He went into panic mode.

Thanks for the support, I really really appreciate it.

Mulan

Hi there,
Please do not entertain this guy anymore. I have 2 daughters and it would kill me to think that a guy would threat either of them like that. I accept that its hard, but remember this, his antics will continue as long as you let them to. A good relationship is build on trust. The question is, do you trust him? Do you want to feel this insecure for the rest of your life.

Talk to your parents, brothers, sisters, the people that show real love. The support will be there.

Walk away kid you owe it to yourself.

Mr.Nice Guy

karenm33 wrote: »

Well I went over to him last night, drank lots of wine and cried. I told him I wasn't doing friends and he practically begged and said he'd never have broke it off if it meant not seeing me again. I stayed over and did have sex with him. I know! Don't even say it! He said things could be the same just that we weren't going out.

Clearly he only wants you for sex. You are better off steering clear of him or you will be hurt further.

Wibbs

Mulan wrote: »

Hi there,
Please do not entertain this guy anymore. I have 2 daughters and it would kill me to think that a guy would threat either of them like that. I accept that its hard, but remember this, his antics will continue as long as you let them to. A good relationship is build on trust. The question is, do you trust him? Do you want to feel this insecure for the rest of your life.

Talk to your parents, brothers, sisters, the people that show real love. The support will be there.

Walk away kid you owe it to yourself.

I agree with this one. Forget about being friends too. Not gonna happen for a long time if ever. Big generalisation ahoy.:) When women want to stay friends with an ex it's usually to keep emotional support, when men do it's usually for sex. neither case is good. They both want different benefits of a relationship without the corresponding responsibilities.

You're doing the right thing by leaving him well alone. Do NOT sleep with him again as it's only a ride to him.

Karen_*

Yeah I know its only a ride to him. However when I said no way was I having sex with someone ongoing that hadn't the respect to be going out with me he was like 'fine, no sex then, I can live without that but why can't we be friends? Oh indeed he'll take sex if I offer it but I do know that its not a requisite of a the friendship and would not bother him if I didn't.

We were very close, I know I do mean alot to him. He seems very frightened of not having me in his life. Its not like Mike to be bargaining and reasoning. He genuinely did not expect me to have the strength to break all ties. It wasn't part of the plan.

And today I'm having second thoughts that he was right about the relationship, it wasn't going anywhere, we weren't getting and both of us found it hard to let go. I felt alot of the time as if I may as well have been on my own. I had him and it was great but in many ways I was on my own. He wasn't spending enough time with me. And its a dreadful shame we can't be friends because we were good friends.

I'm thinking now maybe I should be friends rather than lose him altogether but then I come back to the fact that my Christmas is ruined and I haven't slept or eaten all week. Thats a bit hard to forgive. And again whyshouldn't he have some hardship too? Why should I agree to his terms and then he's happy but I feel like a total fool. My self respect has to be more important than seeing anyone. I do feel that I changed a pattern of my behaviour by standing my ground and that that will be something to hang onto and be proud of. It wa so difficult to walk away and say no to having him in my life

muppetkiller

End all contact with this person period ! Do not try and remain friends as he is manipulating you into feeling bad about yourself when all the issues are his.


When you're not around you can be guaranteed he'll be off trying to pull other women and has you as his backup. I've had a similar experience myself in the past and you never really move on until they are out of your life..I wasted 8 years with my "friend" and when I did decide to move on she was saying the same bull$hit he's saying to you "I need you in my life blah blah blah"

Please for you're own sake get rid of him now ..in a few months you'll see the real him when you look back and thank you're lucky stars you made it out.
Best of Luck

rainbowtrout

Karen33 wrote: »

What am I going to do about the concert tickets. He went into panic mode.

Don't worry about the tickets, they are only a minor thing, he can get someone else to go with him or he can sell them, it's the least of your worries and just another way of him making you feel guilty

drand

being "friends", especially very shortly after a break up never, ever works. You need to cease contact for your own sanity.

Mulan

OK Karen33, its time to stop thinking about him.
In "being jack the lad" he's playing a blinder. I'm a bloke who has heard these stories from guys in pups, clubs and dressing rooms. Its great banter. Everyone busting there asss laughing at the antics of one of the lads. These are the facts.
Your setting yourself up for a big fall if you get back with this guy.
He's either very foolish or very nasty.

He's not for you.
Move on
take care