Overprotective parent

LegacyUser

Bit of background info: I'm 19 years old, just started college and still live at home with my parents, only child.

Basically, what sparked of this post was the fact I was supposed to be going out tonight with some new friends from college. I'm not any sort of social butterfly so I've been thrilled I've managed to carve out a small niche for myself in college so quickly. Whenever I want to go out I'm usually carefull to forwarn my mother one or two days in advance, it kills and spontaneity but it causes a lot less hassle. Unfortunatly I've missed out on plenty of nights out because of this but If I turned around to her and said I was going out this second she's stop nothing short of locking me in my room. On this occasion, I told her on Tuesday I'd be going on on Thursday night, didn't see her on Wednesday so I had no chance to remind her and then told her roughly an hour ago I'd be heading out. To this she insists I never told her anything and she got even more angry when I told her the arrangements of me getting home (taxi on my own.)

I can understand her concern, my aim wasn't to make a post about how pissed I am I wasn't allowed out. If I had a daughter I'd probably be just as terrified of every Godforsaken risk regardless of how unlikely it is to happen. Her concern isn't really my problem. As humiliating as it is to make some half assed exuse to people or telling them I'm "not allowed" to do something when i'm legally an adult and behave like one to the best of my capacity. Especially when mostly everyone else I know lives away from home. I can deal with that. I've delt with it for years. What I can't deal with is the way she tells me I can't do something...

Rather than saying in plain English I can't go to x because of reason y, she'll shout and scream and roar at me. The woman is a bully, she'll ask me a plain question and then yell at me while a try to answer, she'll break things and slam doors when you try to talk to her. She treats my father exactly the same way. My father isn't a provocative person, he's quiet and calm, yet my mother will beat him down psychologically the same way she does to me, both of us are "lazy", "ungratefull" and "liars".

I suppose all of this would be easier to swallow and a little more understandable if she tried to control the larger things in my life; Where I go to college; what I study; where I work. Yet she couldn't tell you what I'm doing in college at the moment, or my middle name or my birthday, and I doubt very much if she didn't have to pop into my work from time to time she wouldn't know that either. In these cases where I might actually like a little guidance or input from her she has absolutely no interest.

I used to know people who were an awful lot more overprotected then I am, this used to make me a feel a little better about the whole thing, or it did untill they all hit eighteen and all of a sudden their planning interrailing trips around Europe will the full support of their parents. A lot of people I know in college are going away to work with an organisation abroad this summer. I told my mother i was going to a meeting about it, just a meeting, nothing else. Before I've even finished the sentence she's told me I wont be going.

Before anyone tells me that I'm ond enough to make decisions and do what I like without my mothers consent I want to make the point that I'd love to do this. I just don't have the confidence. It's ironic, because I could stand up right now in front of 2000 people and give a speech about nothing in paticular yet I could never go into my mother and tell her I wanted to talk about something, or even tell her how my day went. She's taken every once of confidence I have when it comes to speaking to my family. I've been given the advice time in time out to just go and talk to her about it. Unfortunately there is no talking to this woman. Everything becomes and argument. She's the only person I know who could move the conversation from me trying to tell my parents what I did in school that day, to telling my Dad what a woefull education he got and telling him how lazy he is, every night, for the next week straight.

Moving out isn't an option, I just don't have the money and I live too close to college to be considered for on campus accomodation. Besides, at the end of all this, I'm well aware many of these things I can do without my mother knowing, or helping in anyway, but the big things, moving out, travelling, I'd love to do with her support, not against her.

Ideally, I'd love councelling to try and help my confidence, but I don't even know where to begin. I know my college offer a councelling service but I wouldn't even know where to go to book an appointment, or if I'd have to pay.

Thanks to any who read this far.

DawnMc

Hi,
It must be really difficult for you. There's really nothing you can do to 'change' your mother short of telling her how you feel.
Counselling is an excellent idea, PM me what college you're in and I'll see if I can help.

K_P

How about telling her you're going out and regardless of how much she roars and shouts going out anyway? If you're in college, just ring her and say you're going out tonight, you'll be getting a taxi home or whatever and you'll see her tomorrow.

I realise if confidence is an issue, that may not be possible. But if she shouts you down when you try to talk to her, maybe just bypass the talking altogether.

Coming from a family where for years I was ridiculously over protected, I can sympathise. I know how stifling and frustrating it can be. Considering that and considering how your confidence isn't the best, well done on handling the quite scary transition to college and making new friends so well.

Ishindar

write her a letter saying all that u said here so u dont have to face her while getting your point across. maybe a good approach is that u want to develop a respectfull relationship as an adult with her rather than the destructive way she is approaching her relationship with u.
u sound very well rounded and thoughtfull person, u should be proud of who u are.
let the letter sink in and see what her response is.

foxface

as much as i agree with what KP says, i completely understand why its hard to do.

my mam is the same.. only i got a couple of years of freedom between 16 and 18. (its a complicated situation... but only as complicated as most peoples are i guess)

OP, i dont mean to post unconstructively, but rather than a lack of confidence, does it just feel easier to falll in the line? and its just not worth the hassle?

ps im a daughter also

seamus

The problem with this kind of bully is that their behaviour won't change as long as they get their way.

As you say yourself - talking to her is a waste of time. So don't do it. You don't need her approval. Just go out. Ignore her if she starts on. If she starts her screaming and roaring routine, leave the house and go for a walk, ignore her. Don't let it get to you, because if you do, she wins.

If she sees that you're not taking her **** anymore, she'll tire herself out. Perhaps I don't understand the mental effects of this kind of thing. I was the youngest, so my parents were practically giving me a 20 and pushing me out the door to go have fun with my mates.

foxface

seamus wrote: »

The problem with this kind of bully is that their behaviour won't change as long as they get their way.

As you say yourself - talking to her is a waste of time. So don't do it. You don't need her approval. Just go out. Ignore her if she starts on. If she starts her screaming and roaring routine, leave the house and go for a walk, ignore her. Don't let it get to you, because if you do, she wins.

If she sees that you're not taking her **** anymore, she'll tire herself out. Perhaps I don't understand the mental effects of this kind of thing. I was the youngest, so my parents were practically giving me a 20 and pushing me out the door to go have fun with my mates.

the problem (as i see, i dont mean to speak for the OP) is that intrinsically, its very very hard to see your mam like that. its not like saying Eff off to other bullies, theres an awful lot more caught up in it. i think, in this situation, you have to stop seeing your mam as your mam. which is very hard to do

milli

Is there another family member (eg aunt/uncle) that you could speak to about this? Maybe someone who your mother would listen to?

Sangre

Why don't you just not tell her what you're doing and try and come and go as you please? Make no effort to communicate with her. You're just giving into her so of course she'll continue her bullying ways.

Gary ITR

Ishindar wrote: »

write her a letter saying all that u said here so u dont have to face her while getting your point across. maybe a good approach is that u want to develop a respectfull relationship as an adult with her rather than the destructive way she is approaching her relationship with u.
u sound very well rounded and thoughtfull person, u should be proud of who u are.
let the letter sink in and see what her response is.

I agree with this approach

Beruthiel

Overprotected wrote: »

Whenever I want to go out I'm usually carefull to forwarn my mother one or two days in advance, it kills and spontaneity but it causes a lot less hassle. Unfortunatly I've missed out on plenty of nights out because of this but If I turned around to her and said I was going out this second she's stop nothing short of locking me in my room. On this occasion, I told her on Tuesday I'd be going on on Thursday night, didn't see her on Wednesday so I had no chance to remind her and then told her roughly an hour ago I'd be heading out. To this she insists I never told her anything and she got even more angry when I told her the arrangements of me getting home (taxi on my own.)

Your mother doesn't seem to understand how lucky she is. You're doing everything right in a very mature way.
My daughter is the same age as yourself, she would do as above, let me know in advance, organise how to get home safely and call me if there were any changes.
When she turned 19 I let her do as she pleases. I left home at 19, as far as I'm concerned she's now a grown woman and if I could survive at that age she can.
You don't mention your Da. If there is another relative you can discuss this with that might be able to make her see sense, give it a go.
The letter explaining your feelings is also a good idea.

Other than that, I would suggest you just go about your business, text her telling her where you're going and roughly what time you'll be back. That way you're still being responsible but on your terms.
Eventually, after x amount of time coming back alive, perhaps she may calm down....

Spud83

First how I see the situation. Your mother seems like a bit of a control freak regarding most things. I believe this over protectiveness is born out of a fear of losing you. It is a common fear that a lot parents get especially as there youngest or oldest is seen to been growing up. From your post I gather that you are an only child. You seemed to have accepted this for most of your life as you have seen other parents be just as bad or worse. Most parents feel a responsibility for there children’s education up until the LC that is why the keep much tighter control until then, and will start giving more and more freedom after this(Leaving Cert holiday anyone?).

Second how I think you should deal with it. The next time you are going to be going out inform your mother as you normally would. Then if she starts shouting and screaming, wait for her to take a breath and simple say “I do not want to talk about this while your going to be shouting and screaming, I am going out and we can discuss it tomorrow if you wish”. That’s it don’t say another word, just go get ready and go out repeating the same line if she follows you around the house. Then the next day ask her does she want to talk about why she got so angry last night, by then she should have calmed down and you might have a civil conversation.

But the number one rule is avoid shouting matches they achieve nothing, secondly you have to start taking a stand or this will never stop.

dudara

You just have to do what you want. You are 19 and a legal adult. She cannot in anyway stop you from doing anything. Remind her of this.

She is a bully and you will have to break this habit of hers.

seamus

OP, what may help is the thought of being in your twenties and lectured at by your mother because you want to stay in your boyfriend's house, or having her "forbidding" you from going on holidays with him. Or imagine being in your thirties with a husband and family and your mother having an argument with you because you don't have time to go down for dinner one Sunday.

As alan above says, this will not just go away. It's not likely that she'll just "get over it" or mellow out as she gets older. She may even get worse.

moco

My mother tried to stop me going out when I was a bit younger than you and what I did was tell her at the start of the week I'm going out, let her rant a bit if she wanted, then just not come home from work and ring her to remind her I said I'm going out.

Although this was in the days before moblie phones there wasn't much she could do about it.

LegacyUser

My mother was very similar to this when i was younger, in my 20s now and its waaaay better but still not great. i'm just counting the days until i can afford to move out. The way my mother saw it - her house, her rules and that included everything. I can totally understand where you are coming from being the only child and daughter myself. My advice would be to simply slowly but surely break her bull**** 'rules' consistantly over time, I know it sounds so childish and petty but thats what I was reduced to too. I know its your mum so its difficult to be cruel to her but you must remember that it is she who is being unreasonalbe, not you. Good luck with it.

Mr. Incognito

move out. You say it's not an option but you'll never have your own life till you do.

RxQueen

my mother was the excat same as yours, until maybe last year she stopped. Its not a nice suitation to be in and i have sympathy for you, everybody is saying to you to just tell her your going out and thats it, but you know as well as me that a lot easier said than done. In the end i just sat her down, told her to shut up and told her excatly how i felt, like someone said if you cant speak to her write her a letter-- she has to realise that she is pushing you away more by acting the way she is, rather than simply live your life.

k-a-t-e

Hi can you not move out into halls or residence or something? I know its not the best thing in the world esp if you get on with your parents in every other way - just a thought

Ktom108

Hi OP,

I understand exactly what you are going through. i am 20 years old. I'm a junior in college and i just moved back in with my parents because i transfered to a closer school & believe me... i really wish i didn't.

Before moving home i lived on campus at my other school when i was only 17, and i was able to come and go as i please, my mom only came to visit me 2x. This surprised me because up until then i wasn't even able to stay at friends houses or go to the movies with them without my mom and grand mom having 40 min conversations with their parents, and still calling to check up on me every hour on the hour.

Now that i'm back home its as if all the progress i made by being away from home, was for no reason. Because my mom has gone right back to her prying, scheming, and overbearing ways. She must know where i am, and who i'm with, and what i'm doing at all times. It's sick!!!

More importantly, the s**t has really been hitting the fan because in June i got my very first boyfriend. I was still 19 and he is 25. Since he isn't from my neighborhood, my parents are very skeptical of him, and they (especially my mom) haven't made any attempts to get to know him. & it hurts because he is such a great person. i'm so lucky because he's one of those really supportive boyfriends, who wants the best for me. He's actually the only person in my life who doesn't put pressure on me, and that's why i'm happiest when i'm with him. We are both always really busy and we only see each other 2 or 3 times a week, and everytime we do, my mom feels like she should know everything we plan to do!!!!

Now I have younger family members who live up the street and they are 18 (she has a baby) and 15 (he comes and goes as he pleases) and they both have 10x the freedom i have, they do whatever they want. it's like my family is hoping that i'll be the one who does everything right, and it's seriously affecting my life!! I've always done as i was told and now that i'm old enough to do what i want it's backfiring on me!!!

Then I feel awful because it seems like my father is is the same situation as yours, he's the more relaxed parent, and she's a monster!!! She doesn't think his permission is good enough, even if she's at work, she wants me to call her job and ask permission.

The most recent incident is last night i was supposed to stay with my best friend and it snowed and got very icy so i wasn't able to get to her house, so i had to stay at my boyfriend's, and my mom snapped, she called me from work and she was furious!! then she made my dad gang up on me with her!!! and he knows they will only be partners until he does something she doesn't like, then she'll be screaming at him.

My advice to you is start living your life, because you only get one. your mom has been living hers so what gives her the right to think she can live yours too??? Most of my friends are away in college, working, married, or raising families, and she still has the nerve to tell me i'm not grown. If our parents really love us they would want us to be happy... u know?? My mom and dad had me when she was 17 and he was 19, so they have no right being so hypocritical... besides i have no intentions on having children until i'm in my 30's. i'm very safe and responsible. i'm helpful, and respectful to my mom & it's just not enough.. so i've decided to start taking my own advice... you should too.. live girl!!!!.. just live!!!

let me know how things are!!! & good luck!!!!:)

Gyalist

The only solution that I can see to your problem is for you to move out into your own place.

StormWarrior

I agree. Are you dependent on your parents for financial assistance? If not, tell your mother, "If you don't change your ways and begin to treat me like an adult, I'm outta here!" Maybe that will make her ease up on you. Also, is there a reason why she is so overprotective? Did something bad happen to her when she was younger?

his-lil-lady

hi, well im an only child too, same age as you but i was lucky enough to get to go to college well away from home. (they still ring me everyday doh, but i suppose that what you call a compromise)

all i can really do is try and advise you to do your best to get accomodation close or in your college. you said that you live too close to get it, but they often allow people on campus because of certain circumstances or if you do a lot for "college life" (like societies, sports, etc.) if you cant get it this year then try and go for it next year? i know it might seem ages away but it might be worth it

you say that you are not allowed out. do you go home after a night out or do you go to a friends house? if you go home, i think it might be giving your mum the impression that you are relying on her. try staying at friends places? and even about the whole going out buisness-have you ever just rang home to say, i wont be home tonight because im going out with friends? yes it probably will be difficult to say and you probably will get shouted at down the phone(ive been there) and the next day might be difficult when you do go home but at least you will have shown her that you dont need her approval for everything..

i know its not the same but i remember my mum being dead against me goin to teen discos and stuff (wasnt alowed until i was 16) but i remember my first disco, and the only reason i was alowed go was because i was in waterford and she couldnt stop me!

try your best to live your life without getting permission, you are an adult and she will have to come to terms with that soon enough. there will be cold silences and shouting, but when you come out of it with her realising that you are a capable adult, it will be worth it.

Tusky

wow. The worst thing you can do is give into her. I cant believe that she you on occasion have been 'not allowed' out at 19. My advice - Get a job so you can support yourself and do as you please. Whenever she challenges you on it remain calm and explain that you are an adult and she is being over protective. If she throws a hissy fit just stay calm and ignore it and continue to go out. I doubt shes going to kick you out of the house if you keep behaving in a mature and calm manor.

Eventually she will realize that you are old enough to be going out and will hopefully tone down the hissy fits.

Theatrebuff

Have you tried to involve your father in this situation?
Your mother is a bully.
Her behaviour is abusive, You need to move out, your Dad may be able to help.