Ba dum dum, dump!

sunzz

So you're down in your local restaurant, nightclub and or general boozer. You feel the urge to head to the restroom, you sit on the toilet and do your business, you turn to get some toilet paper and to your dismay, NOTHING!

Suggestions welcome.

cance

sunzz wrote: »

So you're down in your local restaurant, nightclub and or general boozer. You feel the urge to head to the restroom, you sit on the toilet and do your business, you turn to get some toilet paper and to your dismay, NOTHING!

Suggestions welcome.

try to find value in your life.

Quality

Take off your jocks clean your self up and go commando for the rest of the night!!

kev_s88

deffo tear up the boxers and use them

uglyjohn

i NEVER EVER go take a dump in a nightclub or boozer. never.

i will go in a restaurant if its urgent, but i wouldnt eat in the type of place that has no bog roll so the question doesnt apply to me.

jor el

sunzz wrote: »

Suggestions welcome.

Are you currently sitting on a toilet with no paper beside you, perhaps using an internet enabled phone to post this message? If not, I'd suggest checking there's paper there before taking a dump. Otherwise, use the phone, flush it afterwards, and claim on the insurance.

Also, make sure you have insurance.

Procasinator

It situations like these, I find thinking "What would MacGyver do?" helps.

Maybe make a periscope from materials found in your cubicle so you can determine if anyone else in the locality. If not, do a bit of a wobble to the next door cubicle to clean yourself. If you're seen, choke the guy with your shoelaces and jump out the back window.

Simple.

sunzz

jor el wrote: »

Are you currently sitting on a toilet with no paper beside you, perhaps using an internet enabled phone to post this message? If not, I'd suggest checking there's paper there before taking a dump. Otherwise, use the phone, flush it afterwards, and claim on the insurance.

Also, make sure you have insurance.

Think I just lol'd in the office out loud
Nah was taking the piss out of a mate who said he took off his sock and used it

WhiteWashMan

use a sock

jor el

sunzz wrote: »

Think I just lol'd in the office out loud

But I was trying to be offensive I'll have to work on my internet harshness.

Nah was taking the piss out of a mate who said he took off his sock and used it

A sock! Is that what MacGyver would do?

Dave!

I'd probably use my underpants and discard them. If it's still not clean, use a sock. If it's still not clean -- consider changing your diet, and then use the other sock. Still not clean? Pull up the pants and go find a McDonald's/something and use their jacks.

Dancor

I a past situation in school I just used my boxers then discarded them.

Quality

This should be in the humour section,

I am gonna fall off the chair laughing!!

I never take a dump in a pub/club/work place, but if I have no choice, I always check to see if they have any toilet paper first. If you really need to go and there is none, in a pub/club you could always just ask for a napkin/cloth, if in a workplace, I'm sure a sheet of A4 will do just fine.

star-pants

Should really always check there's toilet paper before you go. Do you not use it to wipe the seat before you sit?
Alternatively, if you hear someone else in the bathroom, ask them to pass some toilet paper under the door maybe.

Oswald Osbourne

I would probably fly backwards around the world a couple of times.

biko

Deleted User wrote: »

I never take a dump in a pub/club/work place, but if I have no choice, I always check to see if they have any toilet paper first.

Agreed. It just doesn't make sense not to. The roll is there *points*, 10 inches from the toilet. How can someone not see it's empty? Unless it's one of them big covered yokes but even they have an indicator no?

senordingdong

Why the hell don't you just check before you pull your trousers down.
Jesus...the stupidity of some people to actually get stuck in this situation.

Procasinator

star-pants wrote: »

Alternatively, if you hear someone else in the bathroom, ask them to pass some toilet paper under the door maybe.

If you can save face and your ass, you'll have more satisfaction.

Mossy Monk

Check there is toilet paper first. That is the golden rule.

andyl222

I have a mate who was in a similar situation, but in a girl's (who he didn't know very well) apartment. Same story, having dropped a serious bomb he was without toilet paper. Then he saw this girl's laundry basket and proceeded to wipe himself with her underwear and then put it back in her laundry hamper.... hahahah bit OT there but sure **** it.

FlutterinBantam

Agreed!!

The experienced crapper will neverbe caught in that traumatic situation.

However there are always exceptions and one can be fooled by an end of roll sheet peeking out.

In that situation your friend is a credit/ID/old Dart ticket etc.
Spread the cheeks well and work the card edgewise towards the brown eye.
Any excess residue can be 'flushed off ' and continuing round the full circumference,skim the loose 'mortar' off,and the result is a quite passable recovery from a bad situation.careful with the corner of the card near the eye and I would not not recommend 'head' until after a proper clean up.
Females should always work away from themselves.

Then its up jocks,over to the sink,nice hot water and clean hands and card(s)
and you are ready to rock....easy peasy.


Ps. If it was my local and the plumbing allowed,I would ensure a 'topdecking' within a few days.