Honest opinions needed from both men and women!!

marymc1976

I am wondering what I should do or is there anything I can do - have been going out with a guy now for nearly 5 years - we often bring up the topic of getting married, ie who would be at the top table, priests, reception, no of guests etc.....This has been going on for about two years now - The biggest trouble I have is talking about getting engaged - he says when we move into our beautiful house, we did that and nothing has happened. He says after the SSIA, that also came and went. I never bring this up as don't want to feel I am putting massive pressure on him to propose!

I am 33 and I would love to have kids - but for both of us as respect for our parents would not like this to happen until after getting married. But until he finally (will he ever) ask me to marry him we have not even thought about saving for such an event - so if were to happen we would need at least 1-2 years to save!! So i will be at least 35.

Am I over reacting and let it happen when it happens - Or do you think he is avoiding the situation!!! Confused a bit but prepared to wait for him for another while!!!!

Wibbs

Sounds like he's avoiding the situation. Many people and especially men in relationships are happy with the status quo and may need a push for both your sakes. Chances are he wants the same, but in some vague future. The age thing with men doesn't really hit the radar either. I'm in my late 30's and I'm in no rush to have kids. It bothers me not a jot and if it happened that I met someone tomorrow or in ten years time so be it. With women it's generally a bigger deal and he simply may not see that. I would say you should bring it up and talk about it directly. Both of your hopes for the future etc and make definite plans. Basically after 5 years it's píss or get off the pot time.

MagicMarker

marymc1976 wrote: »

I am wondering what I should do or is there anything I can do - have been going out with a guy now for nearly 5 years - we often bring up the topic of getting married, ie who would be at the top table, priests, reception, no of guests etc.....This has been going on for about two years now - The biggest trouble I have is talking about getting engaged - he says when we move into our beautiful house, we did that and nothing has happened. He says after the SSIA, that also came and went. I never bring this up as don't want to feel I am putting massive pressure on him to propose!

I am 33 and I would love to have kids - but for both of us as respect for our parents would not like this to happen until after getting married. But until he finally (will he ever) ask me to marry him we have not even thought about saving for such an event - so if were to happen we would need at least 1-2 years to save!! So i will be at least 35.

Am I over reacting and let it happen when it happens - Or do you think he is avoiding the situation!!! Confused a bit but prepared to wait for him for another while!!!!

Why does he have to ask you? Why don't you ask him and then you'll know for sure what the story is? Beating around the bush won't achieve anything.

marymc1976

I thought off that too - but thought that its really OTT!! Then again Feb 29th is coming next year! He says he has an idea of when/how he would like to propose - but again this is part of the same conversation for the past 2 years! Really dont think I could ask him!

Jack B. Badd

marymc1976 wrote: »

Really dont think I could ask him!

You won't ask him and from the sounds of it he isn't too pushed about asking you (Why is this "asking" malarky still going in this day and age? Are people afraid of sitting down and deciding jointly to get hitched?). This is effectively a stalemate.
OP, you need to poop or get off the potty. You can either bring it up in conversation and make a joint decision about it (rather than having airy-fairy chats about what colour the napkins will be, etc.) or ask him outright to marry you, or you can forget about the whole endeavor. Or you can sit back, say nothing concrete and wait for him to ask you - this appears to be your default option though you're under more of a time constraint than he is as your biological clock will tick its last tock well before his.
Either way, if you actually want to get married stop dithering and waiting for other people to do it for you.

kathandkim

I think it's fair that after 5 years you have come to the conclusion that you would like to get married to him and have children.

I know you have discussed milestones before (ie SSIA etc...) but have you ever told him that you feel time is running out for you? That's not to say that it is, of course! But if you feel like you're ready then that is very valid.

I think I know what you're feeling on the pressure issue. You probably would rather he asked you in the way you've dreamed of since you were a little girl watching prince charming get married to the princess!! I know I would feel a little let down if it was a case of there just being a joint decision made. But that's not the case for everyone.

I suppose the best thing for you to do is decide how much you love him, how long you'll wait for him to ask, and would it just save a lot of hassle if you were to just have the discussion with him or ask him yourself.

Best of luck!

K_P

I agree with everyone so far. I'd just like to add that if it's really important to you, you do not need to save for 1-2 years before you get married. What's more important, the marriage or the big white wedding?

l3LoWnA

OP - you don't have to ask him to marry you, but I'd advise you to certainly ask him what the story is? It's not fair leaving you wondering.

Maybe he'll ask you at Christmas though....:) ......maybe he has a big plan...and asking him could ruin it.....did his SSIAS come in already?

You could leave it until after NYE. On the othe rhand, then you'll be thinking "I'll leave it until after Valentines day" and each time, if he doesn't pop the question, you'll be left wondering.

You need to find out, from him, if it's what he wants, and find out soon. If you ask him and he gets irritated or changes the subject, maybe he's got something up his sleave for Christmas

(You dont need to know when exactly he's going to ask you but if he confirmed he had a plan that would be good.....)

Tea drinker

I just think he needs to be cornered and questioned.
I would hate to think of you coming into the new year dissapointed he didn't pop the question. I mean you should find out whatever... so what if you spoil a surprise... you've been waiting years.
As regards kids, you are not getting any younger, the sooner you do it the better, you are at perfect age now.

Best of luck

seraphimvc

lets make things stated clearly:

1)you are 30+ already,getting old

2)both of you living together

3)you want child-getting marry-need money

OP,i am sure you know what you are looking for your stage of age.no matter how or what,time is priceless,you cant buy that back if you feel regret after 2 yrs with nothing happened.

tell him you love him so much but you dont wanna push him,just say your mum is pushing you (both of you),and most importantly you kinda feel the same way too.
discuss the issue with him,i think you two have the same understanding on stuffs at your age?sometimes men just need a little small pushed(but not in a hard/disgrace way,we are men!:D) to do something.

goodluck!!

p/s:ffs....just register already!!how much do you need for that?!!is another issue you may wanna discuss with him if both of you have difficulty on wedding spending.my uncle and aunt didnt have a proper wedding too...both in UK at the moment...:)

Beruthiel

marymc1976 wrote: »

so if were to happen we would need at least 1-2 years to save!!

Piffle.
If you want to marry him, plan a nice day out and ask him.

Seriously, you can organise a wedding in 3 months. Don't waste your money on an ott wedding.
I recently went to a wedding which was organised in 3 months, there were 11 of us, we took over a corner of a restaurant for the day and then hit a pub for the night.
Best wedding I was ever at, we all knew each other and it was a delightfully relaxed affair.
Or
Do like my sis and just take off to another country, get married there and have a holiday. Throw a big evening party when you come back and invite everyone.
Both those options don't require two years of stress and saving.

Mighty_Mouse

Just ask for honest answers to honest questions.
Does he plan on getting married etc.
ie. I'd have serious reservations about the institute of marriage but maybe if I was in the situation and she really wanted it.

Its a bit mad that ye don'd seem to know where either person stands on the topic.

How about an conversation about yer future?
A 5 year plan?

ie. normal conversations between most couples who are "together" around the marrying age.

Beetlebum

Beruthiel wrote: »

Piffle.
If you want to marry him, plan a nice day out and ask him.

Seriously, you can organise a wedding in 3 months. Don't waste your money on an ott wedding.
I recently went to a wedding which was organised in 3 months, there were 11 of us, we took over a corner of a restaurant for the day and then hit a pub for the night.
Best wedding I was ever at, we all knew each other and it was a delightfully relaxed affair.
Or
Do like my sis and just take off to another country, get married there and have a holiday. Throw a big evening party when you come back and invite everyone.
Both those options don't require two years of stress and saving.

Flying to another Country and having a big party is a great idea but the Restaurant idea sounds like any other Friday evening to me...a bunch of friends eating out and than hitting the pub, a wedding day is supposed to stand out as the most amazing day of your life. There's nothing special about going out drinking with your friends. I'm sure the OP wants a very special wedding that will be of significant size hence worrying about saving for 1-2 years.
It's a very individual thing.

K_P

Beetlebum wrote: »

a wedding day is supposed to stand out as the most amazing day of your life.

People seem to forget that it should be the most amazing day of your life because it's the day you declare in front of the your family and friends that you love your partner and want to spend the rest of your life with them.

That's what should make it special, that's what's important. Not fireworks, ice sculptures, chocolate fountains and obsessing over flower arrangements.

However I do agree it's a very individual thing. Maybe the OP wants the brouhaha. But if being married is what's more important to her, those 1-2 years saving can be skipped.

Oryx

I organised my wedding in 3 months. We married from home. It was a big do, but we had the space. Not expensive, as weddings go, and a fantastic day all the same. So if you really want to be married to him, it can be done without the 1-2 year wait. However you do really need to decide that its marraige you want and not a wedding. Two different things.

You sound like such a traditional girl. Not having kids before wedlock for the sake of your parents and waiting to be asked. You may have to change some of your more 'old-fashioned' views if youre going to get what you want. Your man, bless him, is stalling on you, and you need to sit down and tell him you know this. Tell him you want to marry him, on a fixed day, not someday. And see how he reacts.:)

deisemum

marymc1976 wrote: »

I thought off that too - but thought that its really OTT!! Then again Feb 29th is coming next year! He says he has an idea of when/how he would like to propose - but again this is part of the same conversation for the past 2 years! Really dont think I could ask him!

What's OTT about you asking him to marry you? I can't figure that out.

I proposed to my now husband nearly 20 years ago and that was a 5 months after meeting him.

I enjoyed our wedding day but I think brides and grooms can be too busy making sure everyone else is enjoying it that they might not enjoy it as much if you know what I mean.

The day I became a mum was the best day of my life, it surpassed our wedding day.

We renewed our vows a few years back and it meant more to us than the wedding day.

Gretna Green or a Las Vegas wedding would be my choice if I were doing it all again.

Nuttzz

marymc1976 wrote: »

I am 33 and I would love to have kids - but for both of us as respect for our parents would not like this to happen until after getting married.

seriously have kids when you are ready and want them and dont base it on what other people might feel or think, a happy loving stable environment is much more important in raising children than some ring and words said in front of a priest or registrar

Lux23

It would be really romantic if the two of ran off to Gretna Green and gor married. I would love that myself, I don't like the idea of big weddings so why don't you suggest it and see what he says. Maybe he is geniunely afraid of the expense.

shabaz

Reading your post is too too familar, i was in the same situation, im actually older than you by a few yrs, just broke with my guy 4months we were together 5yrs, for more or less the same reasons you are fearing. I was wanted to get engaged, married kids, well something at least to show we were moving on in our relationship, so started to ask from time to time same when are we getting engaged, like your guy it was the same answers when the ssia comes in, been and gone still no sign of engagement, so agian im worring about my age and babies and all that crap, and the funny thing is i actually dont want babies but it was just the whole where are going question that i had to ask him cos deep down i felt we were'nt going anywhere and he was just going to go along, another year or whatever, so it all came to a head a few silly things happened and i put 2 and 2 together and finally realised this guy actually dose'nt want the same as what i want and when we had the agrument, he said yeah i actually dont want them things that you want, so we broke up. Its been awful, i miss him, sometimes wish he would ring me or email and tell me he is sorry and he loves me and everything will be ok in the end, but the truth, when you look at your relationship, although you love eachother as we did, do, you will see that there were things that maybe i can see if im honest with myself that we were'nt right for eachother, it really hurts and it would be a whole lot easier to be still in love today with him...im only hoping God has a better plan for me. So what im saying is sometimes us women choose not to really hear what our guys are really saying...as my friends say to me, at least you didnt go on for another year and another year so i hope it works out for you. Really we shouldnt have to badger our men into marring us, like some do and then they end up splitting up cos really the guy didnt want it, but couldnt say no to his girl. Just be really truthful with yourself.

LegacyUser

"we often bring up the topic of getting married, ie who would be at the top table, priests, reception, no of guests etc..."

When you have these discussions, is he ever bringing the topic up? Is he coming up with the ideas for the wedding, and for the rest of your lives?

YES - then i'd say definitely ask him about it. If that's something that he's uncomfortable about, then he definitely won't bring it up. If he's bringing the topic to light, then he's thinking about it.

NO - then you might have something to worry about. Maybe you are blind to something. If he's not saying it, then he's uncomfortable talking about it(even if you can't tell that he is), otherwise, you've been together for 5 years, he wouldn't have a problem voicing how he feels about it.

greenteaicedtea

Maybe you do need to put pressure on him. Maybe he does want to get married but has no huge timeline about it, and he needs a bit of a wake-up call. I would say don't wait for a proposal, just try to get him to settle on a wedding date and maybe that's all you need to do.

Perhaps all the wedding planning bores him to death, or maybe the money situation is delaying the wedding into the unforseeable future. Threaten to get married in city hall or in Vegas by Elvis, and see if that perks him up. If I get married, I'm definitely just getting married in city hall, the thought of picking out china patterns and making up seating plans makes me want to scream. And I'm a girl.

If he is not actively discussing anything about the wedding, or talking about your future together, maybe he is happy with things the way they are, and if he truly doesn't want to get married, maybe you have to accept it, or leave him.

I suspect he thinks he has all the time in the world and maybe has a plan but is going to surprise you or whatever, but I would definitely talk about why you haven't set a date or anything yet.

rs

From my experience, Both me and my wife openly discussed marriage and kids once we had been together for a few years.

Most importantly, we talked about timelines for these things. We both came from reasonably large families where our parents were quite young and both wanted a similar family life for our own kids. (Married in mid-late 20's and 3ish kids by the time we were in our mid 30's). So far, all going to plan Married at 27, first kid at 28 and all going well another one at 30/31.

So next time you are talking about the wedding and kids, you need to talk timelines too. If you are both thinking about 2.5ish children then he need to understand that the chances of that actually happening easily if you don't get started in the next 2-3 years are not going to be fantastic.

When you do a pre-marriage course the whole kid situation will feature very highly in the list of things that you should have a very clear picture of.

Good luck