Just a play thing

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Gonna go unregged for this, damn paranoia...

Ok, so I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 weeks now.. Before that, my last relationship lasted almost 4 years, so you could say I'm used to the long term commitment thing.. As far as we were concerned at the time we would be together for the foreseeable, things didn't work out, I'm happy they didn't because I've met this great new guy... He's good looking, funny, nice, kind and great in bed. 4 weeks ago, the second week of our relationship, the morning after the night before we were lying in bed and I told him I loved him. He didn't say it back, and immediately left my house. I didn't need to say it back, I could tell he felt the same, and figured he left because he was surprised I felt the same.
I decided I'd wait for him to say it before I said it again, but this is 4 weeks on and he still hasn't said it back. He just seems to tease me with it, if he asks me to do something and I say no he'll say something like 'Go on, I would love ya long time if you did' he knows how much I want him to say it, but he seems to be getting some kick out of toying with it.

What am I doing wrong?

Donegal Lass

Im guna have a mad guess at this...

Unregfb123 wrote: »

the second week of our relationship..........were lying in bed and I told him I loved him.

take your time!;)

Beruthiel

What age are you?
You're only going out for the guts of six weeks. It's certainly not possible to know you are in love with someone after two. You might be in 'like', in 'lust', but it takes time to really get to know someone and only then can you know you love them.

Take a chill pill. If this is the biggest problem in your relationship, you have nothing to worry about.

Dreamer 7

Ehh what your doing wrong is telling this guy you love him after 6 weeks when it doesn't seem like he feels the same....... not yet anyway. I love you is a huge thing to say and personally i would be a bit afraid of someone declaring love for me like that so soon :O
Don't force the issue or he will run!

AngryBadger

In fairness, you told a guy you had only been with for 2 weeks that you loved him. Exactly how needy are you?

It's commonly accepted that the vast majority of fellas are extremely slow to say those three words, while a lot of ye wimmins throw them around like confetti.

You obviously freaked him out. And 2 weeks in who can blame him?

*Lees*

6 weeks isn't very long, he might not feel ready to say it just yet!!!
When he says things like "I would love you long time if you did"... is it possible that you might be just being paranoid and he is making no reference whatsoever to the fact you told him that you love him??

Donegal Lass

Ah... guys she didnt even wait 6 weeks!!! she said it after 2!!!!!:eek:

MayMay

Jesus was 6 months before my then bf and I said it. What's the rush??? You'll scare the crap out of him! Relax! What age are you?

pookie82

You're mistaking the infatuation which comes with first meeting someone amazing for love. Stop bandying about a word that should only be said after you really know someone (including all of their flaws) and genuinely feel that you couldn't be without them/have met the most amazing person ever etc. I'm surprised he didn't run a mile the second you said it. I know people will come on and say "I was in love within a week and I said it and it was great" etc but I don't buy the fact that that really happens. Maybe infatuation or initial lust turns into love and that's great, but the word in itself is too strong to be used on someone after a few days essentially.

It's also really unhealthy and very sad that you're now waiting around for him to say it back and wondering what you've done wrong cos it's not forthcoming. It might take him six months or a year or he might never say it. Would you rather he said it to make you happy or waited until he was sincere?? If you reckon you know he feels the same anyway it shouldn't be a problem that he hasn't vocalized it yet, unless you're insecure and need verbal reassurance. But it's even too soon to need that surely??

What you're doing wrong is diving in too quickly and expecting him to do the same. Relax and forget about the L word, I've heard it plenty of times and believe me, it's not always sincere so I wouldn't place that much importance on it.

LegacyUser

I've been in love before, I know what it feels like and I know it usually takes longer but I did want to say it because I did feel it.

You're all asking what age I am, which I was hoping you wouldn't as it is a little embarrassing... I'm 32 in February... Yes, I know you were all expecting me to say I was 14! I haven't been in a lot of relationships because I focused on my career for a long time so I'm not overly experienced.

the dee

I've been a situation like that before. You can feel it and know he feels it but some people are just ready to say it before others. Just relax and he'll say it when he's ready. It sounds like he might be a little nervous about saying it, that could be why he's making those jokes.
Don't put pressure on him to say it before he's ready.

Cathmandooo

Unregfb123 wrote: »

I've been in love before, I know what it feels like and I know it usually takes longer but I did want to say it because I did feel it.

You're all asking what age I am, which I was hoping you wouldn't as it is a little embarrassing... I'm 32 in February... Yes, I know you were all expecting me to say I was 14! I haven't been in a lot of relationships because I focused on my career for a long time so I'm not overly experienced.

It was your choice to say it, none of us know if you're in love only you know that.

You cant expect him to say it back so soon though, it could be months or years before he says it. If he waits until he is ready to say it then you should take that as a mark of respect for you and you'll know he means it. If you're hoping to spend your life with him don't pressure him into saying it before he's ready.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, you're all right... I WAS wrong to say it and I SHOULD just leave him and stop pestering him...

I really appreciate all the feedback

Gyalist

Unregfb123 wrote: »

I've been in love before, I know what it feels like and I know it usually takes longer but I did want to say it because I did feel it.

That was just the oxytocin talking.:D

You're all asking what age I am, which I was hoping you wouldn't as it is a little embarrassing... I'm 32 in February... Yes, I know you were all expecting me to say I was 14! I haven't been in a lot of relationships because I focused on my career for a long time so I'm not overly experienced.

Ah, that's so sweet. Even my cynical, jaded old heart suddenly felt warm.

Don't get fixated on him saying it. At this stage of your relationship, all that's important is that he treats you well. It's not so much what he says but what he does. His actions will reveal what he feels about you.

However, what you said and what he heard could be two different things. You could have said it with no ulterior motives but he could have heard wedding bells and the patter of tiny feet!! Just play it cool for now and enjoy each other and let time take care of everything else.

Wibbs

I have to be honest if a woman told me she loved me 2 weeks in I would run a mile. IMHO it means she doesn't know what it means and is mistaking infatuation for love. Big diff. She certainly wouldn't know me by that stage and is obviously projecting her expectations of what I am onto me. Basically an emotional fantasy. Not a good sign. Most normal emotionally mature people realise that it takes much longer than that to realise if you love someone or not. I would also be wary as people who jump in that quickly are also much more likely to jump out just as quickly. as other have said, take a chill pill.

Seraphina

Unregfb123 wrote: »

He didn't say it back, and immediately left my house. I didn't need to say it back, I could tell he felt the same, and figured he left because he was surprised I felt the same.

roffle

seriously has no one spotted this? it sounds like you scared the crap out of him with that. you can't tell he felt the same, wtf, are you a mind reader? cause if you are you're a genetic freak and you should be making millions.

sounds like you have decided on some fantasy guy/relationship and squished him into it.

the making jokes about it? he's toying with you, because you've told him you loved him and he has the upper hand. anyone who ACTUALLY loved you/felt the same, wouldn't make jokes about it.

no offence but it sounds like you're just hearing/seeing what you want to in this relationship. how needy and insecure are you? i'm sorry if i'm being a bit harsh, but c'mon. you tell him you love him after 2 weeks, then 4 weeks later you're getting worried cause he hasn't said it back. you may be 32 but you do sound like you have the emotional maturity of a teenager. you dont say it to hear it back, and you claim you didn't need to hear him say it, but you've certainly changed your tune now!

MagicMarker

OP: Leave the poor guy alone and be prepared to wait a while before you hear it back. I've been with my gf for almost 10 months, she told me she loved me in the first month. It came as a shock to say the least, i still haven't said it to her. These things take time and i don't want to say it until i truly want to. It's not an easy thing to say for us men.

Wibbs

The thing is anyone who says I love you in the first month is infatuated and projecting an image onto the other person. It's not love and they're kidding themselves, even if it's a nice illusion at the time.

Best case scenario that image is mostly fulfilled with time and then of course the person reckons "they just knew they were (drumroll)THE ONE from the very start". BS of course.

Worst case and the more usual is that either the image doesn't match the reality and they fall out of "love" just as quickly, or in the very worse case they cling to the image in spite of the reality and suffer for it down the line.

This "I just knew/The One/Instant soulmate" stuff and saying the 3 little words very early is more common with women than men, though some men do it too, particularly younger men.

With emotional maturity and not a little wisdom, while these feelings are still there, the expression of them is more muted until you're both at a point where it has translated into true affection and love based on the reality, bad and good. That's healthier and much less disappointing. Even by that stage the course of true love may not run smoothly, but it has a far better chance of doing so all things being equal.

Wibbs

Seraphina wrote: »

roffle

seriously has no one spotted this? it sounds like you scared the crap out of him with that. you can't tell he felt the same, wtf, are you a mind reader? cause if you are you're a genetic freak and you should be making millions.

sounds like you have decided on some fantasy guy/relationship and squished him into it.

the making jokes about it? he's toying with you, because you've told him you loved him and he has the upper hand. anyone who ACTUALLY loved you/felt the same, wouldn't make jokes about it.

no offence but it sounds like you're just hearing/seeing what you want to in this relationship. how needy and insecure are you? i'm sorry if i'm being a bit harsh, but c'mon. you tell him you love him after 2 weeks, then 4 weeks later you're getting worried cause he hasn't said it back. you may be 32 but you do sound like you have the emotional maturity of a teenager. you dont say it to hear it back, and you claim you didn't need to hear him say it, but you've certainly changed your tune now!

I have to second this post. It's all about the projection. Love is a funny thing. You can sometimes see it dissected more clearly when it goes wrong. Classic one is where someone splits up with another. The one who has been dumped usually tells the dumper "how much they love them" in order to illicit a response. It doesn't, simply because the one doing the dumping doesn't care how the dumped feels but only how they feel about the dumped(with maybe some guilt thrown in). Love is both an unselfish and self centered emotion all at once and it can be hard to tell where one starts and the other ends particularly where there is an imbalance.

This kinda thing also puts the guy squarely in the driving seat. He knows he has you now and may use that even subconciously if he's the type to do so. The fact he walked out right after speaks volumes. He either feels the same, but it freaks him, or much more likely he doesn't yet and it really threw him. Since you're still with him, this is a bad start, unless he's pretty empathic and understanding. The next step is that the OP will probably redouble her efforts to show him she meant what she said and if she's not very careful she may end up in doormat territory quite quickly.

LegacyUser

Seraphina wrote: »

roffle

seriously has no one spotted this? it sounds like you scared the crap out of him with that. you can't tell he felt the same, wtf, are you a mind reader? cause if you are you're a genetic freak and you should be making millions.

sounds like you have decided on some fantasy guy/relationship and squished him into it.

the making jokes about it? he's toying with you, because you've told him you loved him and he has the upper hand. anyone who ACTUALLY loved you/felt the same, wouldn't make jokes about it.

no offence but it sounds like you're just hearing/seeing what you want to in this relationship. how needy and insecure are you? i'm sorry if i'm being a bit harsh, but c'mon. you tell him you love him after 2 weeks, then 4 weeks later you're getting worried cause he hasn't said it back. you may be 32 but you do sound like you have the emotional maturity of a teenager. you dont say it to hear it back, and you claim you didn't need to hear him say it, but you've certainly changed your tune now!

You're right I do find it harsh, and I will be disregarding it

Beruthiel

Unregfb123 wrote: »

You're right I do find it harsh, and I will be disregarding it

Don't be so hasty.
She's made some valid points.

K_P

Maybe some of Seraphina's comments are a bit blunt, but they're true.

How on earth could you know how he feels? You got caught up in the moment, told him you loved him (when in reality it's more that you're in lust) and two weeks into a relationship that can be scary for someone to hear. If he felt the same way, he'd have said so, not immediately left!!

You're lucky he's hung around at all and now you're paranoid about when he's going to say it back. It's been 6 weeks woman! What's your rush?!

the dee

I told my boyfriend that I loved him after a month or two. It took him another month or so to say it back, but everything's fine now. As I said before, just don't pester him, let him say it when he's ready. If you keep bugging him about it that's when things will go wrong.