Teenager wont study !! help

Rosielee

Hi All,

Im a newbie here so apologies if this is posted in the wrong section. I have a problem which I hope the Members can help me with please -

I have a 14 year old who was an A/B student last year in first year, with little effort. He loved the buzz of getting top marks in his class, and even got an academic award from the school for his efforts.

This year however, he seems to have turned into the student from hell ! - he wont study, is failing all his tests, and when I ask him what happened in each text he just shrugs and says that he didnt do enough work. I have tried various tactics, from sitting down and asking him if there are problems in school, to grounding him and forcing him to stay in his room to study. He says he is studying but after 10 mins he decides he needs half hour break !.I also spend a lot of time talking to him explaining the importance of his exams for his future- nothing is working and my heart is broke with him ! he just doesnt seem to care anymore and isnt the least upset if he fails. He seems to be very happy in his school and non school life.

Can anyone advise me what to do as it breaks my heart to see him throwing his potential away with such ease.??

Thanks a lot

Rose

blah

Not a parent (yet), but I remember being this teenager. Did well at first, then lost interest. Eventually I matured, well after my friends did, and I made the connection between what I might like to do with myself in the future (which was interesting, exciting, something to work toward) and school exams (boring, uninteresting, irrelevant). My point is that it's really hard to relate Maths, Geography and Irish to something like having fun in college, having loads of money, buying yourself nice gadgets, a nice car.

I just know I'm going to end up saddled with the same "Teenager won't study" issue 20 years from now.

silverharp

it might be worth having a word with some of his teachers to get their perspective. It's a tough one, thinking back to my teenage years utimately it comes down to self motivation, as a responsible parent you appear to have created an environment where he should just get on with it given that he seems to be bright in the first place. I guess one thing would be to cut down on distractions in the house, no tv in his room (if he has one) and limit TV elsewhere in the house, get rid of the internet/game consols if he spends alot of time on them.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

take away his tv and computer priveledges? and keep taking more and more of them away until he learns this won't fly.

it didn't technically work on me when my parents did it, but it did make me stop and think about *why* they were doing it.. which prompted me to at least make a minimum of an effort.

it's not much, but if nothing else works

nads

leave him off. don't pressurise, if you do he could:
- kinda straighten up and be unhappy generally for a lifetime
- bolt and go the other way, to spite you

let him make his/her own discisions... oh wait... he's 14 !!!!!!!


hahaahahahahaa

if he hits the books in the few months up to the leaving cert he'll be fine

Rosielee

Thanks for the responses folks. I have the parent teacher meeting next week and i'll have a chat with the year head. I remember myself what it was like, im in my early 30's now and didnt enjoy studying back then, but I did it and enjoyed the end results. Im dreading parent teacher meeting, and am worried for him in the xmas house exams. I'll just have to see how it goes.... thanks again. All opinions appreciated !!

Latchy

Hi OP , it might just be a teen phase he is going tru , Hormones all over the place and that but rest assured it is quite common ,you are not alone in that respect.

Rosielee

Latchyco, thanks have you gone through this as well ? lol glad to know im not alone

If its just a phase, should I just keep my mouth shut and not comment on the fails either way, or be hard on him ? its got to the stage now that i cant even mention the word homework or study and he goes off on a major one !

Thanks again

Spud83

Not a parent but I want to make one or two suggestions.

a) I don’t think you can force anybody to study. Yes you can force them into the room or in front of books for two hours, but that does not mean they will do any work. The will to study has to come from them

b) Secondly, don’t put too much pressure on him regarding results. As the pressure only gets worse as the years go on. These exams he is sitting at the moment are not that important, and its more important to figure what has changed between the years rather than fixing it right away.

c) Maybe the results and the award last year ended up giving him a label he wasn't comfortable with and he is trying to get rid of it now.

d) Just keep trying to motivate him rather than punish him. Explain how proud you were when the results came in last year, and that you just want to help him achieve whatever he wants.

e) Also try to find what he is passionate about now. You said he enjoyed the school work last year, what is he enjoying this year? Make sure you take an interest in these things too.

Nevyn

Set up an award system exactly like he was a 4 year old

tbh

Looking back on it, I remember this well. I think it was I was pretty unmotivated. The exams seemed like one big blob on the horizon, so I didn't have the skills at that stage to break it down into more meaningful chunks. the advice I would give myself back then would be to be more short-term goal oriented. I found it hard to just open a book and start studying, and what would have helped would be if I'd had definate targets - I'm currently getting C's in English, want to bring that to a B, etc. Maybe a bit of cash as an incentive? Also, doing past papers is a great way to give focus to study sessions.

SubjectSean

Rosielee wrote: »

Can anyone advise me what to do as it breaks my heart to see him throwing his potential away with such ease.??

Stop getting hysterical over nothing. What is your mad rush? His potential will always be there. The more you push him the worse it will get.

Beruthiel

Mordeth wrote: »

take away his tv and computer priveledges? and keep taking more and more of them away until he learns this won't fly.

That could work.

Rosielee
You say he was always making an effort until this year. Now, it could well be just a new phase as he's turned 14. But I have to ask, has anything else changed with him?
Is he having a problem you don't know about?
Is he hanging out with different people?
Has something happened?
What have you done to find out how he's coping with being 14?
Hormones can be all over the camp. I explained that to my daughter and it helped her to understand what was going on and why.

I've always found that spending some time with you kid can really open things up.
I used to bring my daughter out every now and again during her teenage years, we would go to dinner in a restaurant, have a drink and discuss whatever was on her mind.
I found it very useful and was able to give advice in a relaxed atmosphere and she was able to say whatever was on her mind.
Kids hate to be told what they should and shouldn't do, it's the wrong aproach and they will immediately switch off.
Sitting down in a relaxed place with no pressure and just discussing what he wants from life and how he thinks he's getting there, will get you way further than you 'telling' him what he should be doing.

Latchy

Rosielee wrote: »

Latchyco, thanks have you gone through this as well ? lol glad to know im not alone

If its just a phase, should I just keep my mouth shut and not comment on the fails either way, or be hard on him ? its got to the stage now that i cant even mention the word homework or study and he goes off on a major one !

Thanks again

Yes , a little bit with my son but thankfully he has settled down and concentrating at college and he has a lil job as well to .I think we were lucky in that like most teens he is natuarly curious about things so we would always do our best to explain things from our perspective ,he is 18 now ,but know were your coming from Rose .He is obiously under pressure of some sorts, might be best to thread gently for a bit and see what happens .

Beruthiel

Beruthiel wrote: »

That could work.

Rosielee
You say he was always making an effort until this year. Now, it could well be just a new phase as he's turned 14. But I have to ask, has anything else changed with him?

Actually she said he did little but had good results.
I think alot of bright people learn to coast on putting the work in because they can get away it early on and the pattern is formed.
How about getting him some decent study skills lessons, to try and knock the lack of focus and procrastination on the head.
I think that sports partcipation is a great tool for teaching focus, goal setting, motivation and the benfits of putting in the hours for the payoff.

Rosielee

Beruthiel thanks I do ask lots of probing questions, to which i usually always get monosyllabic answers dunno, yeah and no. ! my questions are lighthearted as im genuinely interested in his day and how he got through it. id ask him whats new with you, or anything strange? and i'd be told ' nuttin' !

He knows what he wants to do when he leaves school and reckons he doesnt need an education to get there.

Thanks for your input subjectsean, im actually not hysterical, I just believe in trying to sort out a problem before it goes too far. Plus I want to let him know that I care about his future and feel it is my job as a parent to encourage him to do his best. Also because I have no other children I wanted to find out how other members would deal with this to see if I could come up with a better way of handling it.

Thanks all

Rosielee

moonbaby thanks i didnt consider that one, didnt really know it existed I'll ask in the school at the meeting to see if they can recommend study skills lessons. I did buy the revisewise & moresuccess study books for each subject to help him , and while he said they were great little books,he hasnt mentioned them since, but they're there anyway and im hoping he'll use them sometime.

SubjectSean

Rosielee wrote: »

He knows what he wants to do when he leaves school and reckons he doesnt need an education to get there.

Thanks for your input subjectsean, im actually not hysterical, I just believe in trying to sort out a problem before it goes too far. Plus I want to let him know that I care about his future and feel it is my job as a parent to encourage him to do his best. Also because I have no other children I wanted to find out how other members would deal with this to see if I could come up with a better way of handling it.

Thanks all

He's really really young and has his whole life. Let him make his own decisions, if you don't approve then say so, but you must let him make them. You can't teach him how to be no matter how much you love him. We all have to learn that for ourselves. I got delayed a whole lot by people who loved me and pushed me; and who I'd have seen were actually right a whole lot sooner if they hadn't pushed. It got on my nerves and I totally kicked the opposite way. Testosterone psychology Your boy is becoming a man, let him act like one and have the run of himself. Really we learn well through our mistakes and the sooner they are got out the way then the better. Your child has another decade or more in which he can choose to resume learning. From what you say he sounds like he has a good brain. In the future it will work him, right now he's full of new hormones and trying to forge an identity. Let him tear on because if he's wrong he will see that, change accordingly, and be better off for the experience.

luckat

Rosielee, I'm with Thaedidal here. She's quite right - an award system will work on a four-year-old or a 40-year-old!

But you have to be a little sneaky about it.

I suspect that your son has reached the age where being a swot is deeply untrendy, whereas being Colin Farrell is cool.

First, you need to make his study time pleasant. As soon as he goes up to study, make him his favourite snack, and bring it up to him within about 10 minutes.

When he takes that half-hour break, ask him about what he's studying, and listen with mouth-open, awed respect. "You're really good at this stuff!" and remarks like that will do well, as will "Wow, you really do well when you put the effort in!"

You might also see if there's a homework club in school - though if his friends regard study as nerdy, that might backfire.

Don't offer *long-term* rewards, but instantly reward any studying, and then gradually up the stakes to rewarding (also instantly) studying *well*.

SubjectSean's point that your son will always have potential is true; unfortunately, I know some super-talented underachievers. Potential is no good to man or beast without application!

SubjectSean

luckat wrote: »

Potential is no good to man or beast without application!

The decision for us to apply it only ever comes from within and by our own reasoning IMHO.

I don't think any amount of sneaky feminine social engineering can ever change that.

DublinWriter

Rosielee wrote: »

Can anyone advise me what to do as it breaks my heart to see him throwing his potential away with such ease.??

I'm surprised that no-one yet has mentioned that the ol' Testosterone might be kicking in.

I've seen a lot of my mates' sons of this age suddenly become sullen 'Kevins' around that age. Most of them cop on around 16 when LC-time hoves into view.

Is he mixing with a different peer group? That could be a cause.

I think the old carrot and stick approach might work, but I wouldn't come down too heavy on him. Kids can be under fierce pressure at school these days and you wouldn't help by adding to the mix.

muckety

Thaedydal wrote: »

Set up an award system exactly like he was a 4 year old

I'm in a similar position to the OP with a bright teen who always found school easy so won't do any more than the bare minimum ....

I was thinking of offering a monetary encouragement for his upcoming xmas exams - say 10 euro for every B or higher.... but am also concerned about putting him under unnecessary pressure! Opinions?

b3t4

He sounds like how I used to be in school. To me he sounds bored, disinterested and not challenged.

The award last year probably did him no favours. It got him to think that by putting very little effort in you can do well. Now, he's still in the same frame of mind but the work load has gotten tougher hence the fails.

What are his interests?
Is there anyone in his life that he would look upto that you could get to have to chat to him about this?
Have him talk to someone in the profession he hopes to do after leaving school? A chat with them might have them telling him how it's a good idea to do well in school.

Not sure if I've been much help her but thought i'd contribute.
A

b3t4

<snip>

Triple post, no idea how that happened

b3t4

<snip>

Triple post, no idea how that happened

shanethemofo

Ah come on now love, he's in 2nd year.
You'll be lucky to get him to study a few weeks before his junior cert .
As said above, hes probably bored and underchallenged, maybe he doesnt feel the need to study as u said yourself he is an A/B Student.

Shane

masseyno9

Didn't read all posts but saw someone mention he might have new mates.
This was the 1st thing i thought. Saw it happen in kids 12-13 around my area. When i was in 5th year we did this 'faith friend' thing with the local primary school. Basically we all went down to them for an hour or so a week and supposedly helped them prepare for their confirmation, each being assigned 2 or 3 kids. Anyway, when some of these kids (the brighter ones i must say) went into our secondary school, when i was in 6th year, i was their prefect (four 6th year students per 1st year class to look out for them.) Got to know them through this and saw them go through the whole peer pressure/have to be cool phase.
Still see them around the area now and again, and they have deffo done the whole 'acting hard' thing...everyone knows you're not hard unless you fail exams!!
In all seriousness though, try keep tabs on who he's hanging out with. Generally easy enough spot a trouble maker (seen by adolescent boys as sooo cool!). Is it out of line to ask teachers about his mates if you're worried they're a bad influence?
Sorry for long post, hope it was helpful. I seriously suspect the friends thing. Only out of school 3 years myself and saw it happen all the time with younger brothers/sisters of friends in my year.
Sorry i couldn't offer a solution, its hard to tell him who to/not to be friends with, but best of luck with it!

Piste

This is typical second year behaviour, I was like that and my 13 year old sister is the exact same. At this age13/14 year olds are more comfortable with their year as they've been classmates for a year and so naturally they want to focus more on social life than academics, understandably! IMHO the first few years of secondary school should be about maturing and personal development, academics aren;'t the be all and end all! If he just does his homework and maybe a little revision at the end of every week, with a bit more coming up to exams he'll be fine- don't push him but gently remind him that much of the foundation for the JC is based upon work done in 2nd year.

He'll probably buck up a bit next year when everyone's hitting the books for the LC, but as it is lay off a bit, he doesn't need to be cramming all night, let him enjoy second year, it was one of the best years of secondary school for me. (well I have one and a half left, but one of them has the LC in it so I can't see it being all that and a bag of chips!)

luckat

Tis true, tis true - I remember my son saying, as I nagged "Leave off, Ma, I'm a carefree second year!"

Incentives for exam success - no, no, no. If you want to use incentives, use small incentives *at the moment the desired behaviour occurs* - in other words, first when the kid is actually at the desk, then when he's actually studying, and finally, when he's studying effectively.

Some online help:

http://www.how-to-study.com/ (Dull-looking site, but it has a collection of articles on study skills)

http://www.howtostudy.org/ (More friendly-looking site with ditto)

Talk to him about what helps him to study - Music? Or is music too distracting? Or is there a specific kind of music that helps? Snacks? Breaks after a specific time? Studying with a friend? Or is that too distracting? and so on.

Rosielee

Thanks folks for your very informative posts. I'm going to try out a couple of the suggestions and see how it goes. I have laid off the 'nagging' big time in the last week, and today he txt me from school, following a test that he did study for, and he was delighted with how it went. He almost sounded like the kid from last year !!! so hopefully now this will give him the bit of ambition to knuckle down for the xmas tests next week.

I'm learning as I go along, and feel much better now thanks to all your suggestions. Its nice to know that this issue is common in teenagers and I feel better equipped to deal with him following realisation that i am not unique iin experiencing this !!

thanks again

luckat

That's great news, Rosielee.

Don't get discouraged, anyway. Two steps forward, one step back!

4Xcut

Not something you can do right away but it should be a long term fix. Get him the worst summer job he could imagine for about two months. Something that will break his spirit and crush his soul - like all student jobs;)

The point of this is not punishment but to show him what he'll end up doing if he doesn't work harder in school. It may not be that specific job but without a good education he'll have reduced choices and will end up in a job he dislikes.

Worst case scenario, he does the job well and has a few quid in his pocket.

Best case scenario, he has a motivation that is better than anything a career guidance councilor, teacher, friend or even parent could give him, he knows what will happen if he doesn't work