Struggling with eating disorder...would really appreciate some help

LegacyUser

I haven't posted on here before but I've read other posts and am always struck by how compassionate and helpful replies can be (most of them anyway!)

So i thought I'd see if anyone could offer some advice or even a listening ear; I'd really appreciate it since I don't talk to anyone in my family or group or friends about it. I've been suffering from pretty bad bulimia for 5 years now, since I was 16. I've gone through phases of starving, over-exercising, etc but always resort to the bulimic behaviours. At my worst it was 3 or 4 times a day; at the moment it's not that much but still too much. I don't know what it's like to wake up in the morning and feel happy; with myself, my body, with life. I've done anything and everything you can imagine to hurt and punish myself for letting myself get into such a state, I even seriously considered suicide when I was 18 and at my lowest point.

My ED has cost me friends, my long-term boyfriend, jobs, and so many chances of happiness....but nobody really knows the full extent of my misery. On the outside, I'm an outgoing and confident 21 year old with a great group of girlfriends, doing really well in college (in my final year now) and with a family who obviously love and care about me. My bulimia is a major taboo in the family; they pay for weekly therapy sessions because I can't afford to myself (the cost of stuff like that is sky high) but that's the only contribution my parents make to my recovery; it's NEVER mentioned apart from that.

Is there anyone out there who is going through the same thing or who's been through it and come out the other side? At the moment I just feel like I'm takin one step forward and three steps back; I'm totally miserable and can't see any good in my life. I've thrown away the last 5 years of my life and can never get them back; I just want to be normal and happy and free of the hatred....

I'm sorry this sounds so self-obsessed and whiney but I'm hoping someone might be able to help!

Gordon

tiredandfedup wrote: »

I just want to be normal and happy and free of the hatred....

Hatred of what?

Santa Claus

What kind of weekly therapy are you getting, is it behavioural therapy or just counselling ?

Have you been in contact with Bodywhys (link) at all ? They have a help-line and also support groups (both on-line and face to face) where you could speak to people who know what you're going through !

Also, might be worth registering an account with the same name as your ID in the original post so that people can PM you if they want to share experiences etc

Pigeon Reaper

Get onto bodywhys as they'll be able to help. I know people who are able to deal with their eating disorders and it's no longer affecting their everyday lives. You need to keep it under control but it also sounds like you need to talk to your family.

How Strange

OP, I've experienced bulimia in our family and it is a very difficult situation. I know it has very little to do with your weight, although it is a factor, and has more to do with emotional and psychological issues.

It seems to be that you feel the therapy isn't working for you at all so investigate other alternatives. If you are attending counselling then find someone in your area who is qualified in behavourial therapy as it will probably benefit you more. Other posters said to contact bodywhys and I would agree. You need to be talking to people who are experienced in dealing specifically with eating disorders. Counsellors are human too, some are good and others are bad.

Also, I sense that you are 'angry' with your family and parents to some extent for not openingly discussing our ED. I will speak from their point of view and say that dealing with someone who has an ED is very difficult. What do you expect them to do? Sit and talk to you about how many times you have made yourself sick today? They probably feel that would be facilitating you and making this type of behaviour seem normal. You are their daughter/sister and they have to watch you suffer with this disorder and they are helpless to do anything. They have done all they can which is support you by paying for counselling. If there are deeper issues then you may have to consider group therapy to discuss them.

You are caught in this cycle and it is YOU who has to break it. Your family, friends, boyfriends all have to watch you suffer but no-one can help you because the problem is inside you.

I wish you luck, it's an awful thing to suffer from. Talk to bodywhys and find a counsellor who can help you overcome this.

estar

i dont normally talk about my issues on here but had to reply.
i was in a very similar situation to yourself about ten years ago.
what started as a diet when i was 16 became a way of solving
all emotional issues i had. it was very scary. and my family
just didnt know how to relate to it. they wanted me to get
better, but didnt have a clue what it was, or anything.
my dad still hasnt really ever referred to it. that made me
very angry and feel invisible. but now i realise that they were
afraid. they were afraid to say anything in case i got worse.
my mother blamed herself. anyway that mightnt be the case with
you.

i have had the odd relapse along the way - i stopped at 22, and
had interuptions to my education along the way because of it.
friends just didnt understand so didnt bother telling them,
i didnt want to be the weird one with the problems!!! (not that
you are, but thats how i felt they would think)

i just stopped because it was no longer a viable way of life
for me. it was hard, and i controlled what i ate for a long time
but that faded as well over the years. i am completely
cured now. i NEVER thought i would say that. i am happy,
i have all my teeth (that was one of my main issues with it)
and still have bad patches and have to watch myself always
but

its worth the struggle to give it up and keep living, and make
yourself feel positive about yourself. after a while, it becomes
normal to like yourself, to want to take care of yourself.
i know how hard it is to get to that point. it took all my will power!!!

i have been successful in life, it didnt impact me that much
as i stopped young. thats what my GP has told me.
its possible to get better. i just thought id post and tell you
my story and give you hope.

i didnt use bodywhys but have heard they are good. maybe you
should find another therapist. not all of them know what they
are at with eating disorders. therapy takes a while to work.
i didnt like the feeling of being out of control and someone
else thinking they had all the answers in therapy. im not an expert
either, but it took someone i got along with and could relate to
to really get me to talk.

but i wanted to tell you most of all you are not alone. and you have
the power to get better.

estar

I've thrown away the last 5 years of my life and can never get them back; I just want to be normal and happy and free of the hatred....

you are in your final year in college, and have good girl friends.
and you realise that your ED has changed your life.

1. that isnt 5 years thrown away
2. that sounds like a LOT of progress to me.

there is no such thing as normal. you are you. you have to accept you
and work on living with you. that is the basis of being happy and free
of hatred. the fact you can be so honest, means you are on the way
to recovery. i know girls who havent reached that stage after
ten years and who have ruined their health.

well done, you are doing well.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation. If you want someone to talk to you can email me jameschadwick@live.ie. I'm trying to work through an ED myself at the moment

(not my real name btw).

Victor

ED1055 wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation. If you want someone to talk to you can email me jameschadwick@live.ie. I'm trying to work through an ED myself at the moment

(not my real name btw).

OP, please take appropriate precautions if contacting a person with a fake e-mail address.

pretty-in-pink

Hey OP, I went down that road too, relapsed a few times. A few of my friends have too. Its hard to know what to say to someone- unless you have gone through it, or have some very frank friends- who is sick. That hatred and fear clears up over time. I found posting here helped me out, as did doing little things- like focusing on nice things about me, or on things I had done well whenever I felt the urge. It is difficult- but it's doable. Every person I know who was bulimic/anorexic have had their own twists on it, however the nature of the illness is not up for discussion here, I meerly mention that everyone is slightly different to show you that it's "normal" is a concept that doesn't play out to well in real life. The path to your recovery is what you make of it- don't be afraid to show people when you feel weak- maybe get a buddy system, so that when the feeling strikes you to purge, then you text or call your buddy and talk to them about it. Or give yourself a few tasks to do, and when you finish one task add another one. The urge will pass over. The more you ignore the urges, the less strong they become, and they become less frequent. I hope this helps you somewhat. if you want to talk, you can PM me