There's an outside world?!

LegacyUser

Hi.. I read a post like this a few weeks ago but it's been on my mind to write my own for a bit so here goes.

Well I’m a 20 year old female and I feel like I’ve no life. I don’t go out or spend much time with friends. Mainly because I’ve only 3 close ones and they're always with they're boyfriends, to the point where I’m hardly in contact with them anymore, which in itself is quite sad because I really thought one of them was a true friend, did everything together but not now but anyway!

The last time I went out for a drink was Halloween, can't remember before that. I used to go out all the time with friends, mainly those 3 but not now! Also I’ve no one to go cinema with, shopping or any girly/fun things like that. I go shopping with my mam, she's my only company. Since i don't talk to my other friends now really, i confide in my mam about everything and feel as though she's my only friend. I know it must seem stupid, what I'm complaining about, but it’s just I'm really lonely.

I go to college, and have friends there, (i'm not loner or anything!) but they're just college friends and to be honest I don’t gel with them very well...not on the same wave length if you get me..so don't do anything with them other than college. and because I have all this spare time on my hands I got a job in a clothes shop two weeks ago, 8 hours a week as Christmas staff and I like it, it's trendy with all people my own age amd i get on well with everyone but I’m not there enough to bond with anyone because I do two 4 hour shifts, so usually working with diff people. It gets me out of the house though.
I enjoy being single..(been single bout 8 months now after a few long relationships) but it wouldn't be any harm meeting a few males, (wow maybe i'd even meet someone I like! could almost solve my problems!) but can't even do that because i'm never out to socialise. Viscious circle!

But I spend every Friday and Saturday night at home watching telly(which is totally unlike me, i'm outoging,bubbly and love going out) and at my age I feel like, well as that other post said a few weeks back, life is passing me by. And because if I’m not in work or college I’m just sitting at home I’ve gained lots of weight! Fantastic. I look like sh*t now too! God, talk about feeling sorry for myself. I suppose i just a bigger circle of friends. I guess i need suggestions..what would you do if you were me?

Teddi

Hi there OP...

Reading what you just wrote hit me like a brick to the head! I swear you are the female version of me its unbelieveably scary..I can totally relate to everything you wrote down in your post...down to the every word!

It is a vicious circle..isnt it? I mean its like a knock on effect, once one thing goes wrong..it effects another and then another then you realise you've dug yourself a hole that seems impossible to get out of.

Like you....I'm a bubbly outgoing person too but i feel totally out of place at the moment as I stay in all weekend....Ive put on weight and i feel disgusted with myself.Im not going to drill on what you have said yourself...but, something that I've realised lately is, which effect women more, is the weight issue. Now for a guy I'm very conscious of my body, nearly to the extent of "does my bum look big in this?" (I assure you, I am straight lol)

now as we are in the same situation its hard to rectify this in one action that will clear everything up,I have realised it will be a bit of a struggle to get back up on top but the one thing that I'm doing at the moment, which ive just started doing, Is getting fit again! When you think about it, when your more confident in your own skin, it will show on the outside, re-enforcing your confidence and self-esteem. This, I'm sure of!.

Why don't you, for the time being use the time that you spend at home exercising instead of watching TV? thats what im doing and it was the best move that i have made in the last year since ive felt like this. Once you start loosing the weight, your confidence will sore and your social situation will be alot easier to deal with college.

I hope you think thats a good Idea and if you want any other feedback, please don't hesitate to ask me..

keep positive....it won't happen overnight but you'll get there

Teddi

AARRRGH

I think there's a lot of people in your situation. Especially a lot of immigrants who don't know anyone here. I was reading an interview with Vinnie Jones today and he was saying when he first moved to LA the loneliness nearly killed him. I do think we're social animals and need to be around people.

I've been considering creating a website called pints.ie which would include a weekly meetup in Dublin city centre for people who are new to Ireland, or are lonely, or whatever. Would you be interested in something like that?

Toto Wolfcastle

Hi OP,

I know how you feel! I've never had many friends, over the years I've lost and gained them equally. I don't see my closest friend at all, although we text, and my other closest friend starting ignoring me in favour of her boyfriend. (Got a text last week from her for the first time in over a month after she stood me up for my birthday. The reason she texted? She broke up with her boyfriend!)

I'm not going to suggest that you join a club or a society in college, because some people just aren't into that, but maybe you could start talking to some new people in you class, especially if you have some smaller classes. Maybe go to some class parties, if they are arranged. I met my best friend in my second year of college and it wasn't until third year that we became really close, so it does take time.

If you don't like the people you hang with in college, get rid of them! But try to find someone else first. You don't want to be alone. It's nice sometimes, but I'm sure you'd rather be with friends!

People say that college is great, that you make great friends, etc, but for some people it just does not happen like that. Your friends from outside college need to remember that their relationships might not last forever, but friendships can.

I'm pretty outgoing too, especially when I meet new people, and sometimes it might scare them off. As I said, it's hard, and it'll take time, but put yourself out there, talk to some people, even ask someone to explain something to you, even if you know it already.

Good luck with everything!

coolmoose

dublindude wrote: »

I've been considering creating a website called pints.ie which would include a weekly meetup in Dublin city centre for people who are new to Ireland, or are lonely, or whatever. Would you be interested in something like that?

excellent idea dublindude, but don't restrict it to dublin, i know quite a few people in cork who would use something like this, and i'm sure plenty of others around the country would too...

MayMay

dublindude wrote: »

I think there's a lot of people in your situation. Especially a lot of immigrants who don't know anyone here. I was reading an interview with Vinnie Jones today and he was saying when he first moved to LA the loneliness nearly killed him. I do think we're social animals and need to be around people.

I've been considering creating a website called pints.ie which would include a weekly meetup in Dublin city centre for people who are new to Ireland, or are lonely, or whatever. Would you be interested in something like that?

That sounds like a brilliant idea, I've always thought there should be something like that out there, great idea Dublin Dude, I think that could be really popular.

Kali

I'd echo what Teddi says, excerise is a great way to fill any spare time. That or take up an activity/hobby that appeals to you.
I moved over to the UK over 18 months ago.. only now meeting a few people to go out with, but I took up jogging which made me feel a lot better about myself, I try to get out kitesurfing on the nicer weekends, bought myself a camera as I've always been interested in photography... fills the gaps nicely between the odd times (monthly!) I do go out for a few drinks with the odd one or two people I know here.

dublindude.. thats a great idea. there's plenty of similar groups on facebook/bebo and the like, but sometimes people don't like these groups listed on their profile

MayMay

Kali wrote: »

dublindude.. thats a great idea. there's plenty of similar groups on facebook/bebo and the like, but sometimes people don't like these groups listed on their profile

Do you know any of those Dublin Bebo sites Kali? I'd be interested in looking at them, in a similar position myself.

SarahSassy

OP, the only one who can help you is yourself... I dont have an exciting answer for you.

If you are looking for a partner, then you can try internet dating... If you want to make friends then join a few clubs.... You say you have gained weight - so join a gym. Do a few classes there and get to know people... Its not rocket science. You sound like a smart girl. Its simple a case of getting up off your backside and making an effort...

If you live in Dublin then this might help you. I've just spotted it on the boards advert.

http://www.iliveindublin.com/?gclid=COTEtYqxipACFSUHEgod7iZ-tQ

ali.c

janeybabe26 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm not going to suggest that you join a club or a society in college, because some people just aren't into that

To be fair there is a whole variety of clubs and societies and usually one to suit everyones interests* so i think the OP should check it out.

I also didnt really gel with my class (they were mostly guys and the girls had such different priorities) and most of my socialising was done through various clubs. They are great for social nights and what not!

*and if there is not well you can always form one!

greenteaicedtea

I feel as though I'm going through somethign similar...

my best friend from college got married, so she's off the radar these days

I have no contact with my friends from childhood

My one work friend, that I really feel close to, I don't think she necessarily feels the same way - she's nice to me at work, but when I suggest social things outside of work, they never seem to happen.

I'm not dating anyone, so I feel out of the loop

I have a few friends who call me up, one calls like clockwork, but she drives me nuts with her problems. We're not on the same wavelength.

I can't really join any clubs or take classes because I work till 10pm a lot.

What I do is I go shopping, not necessarily to buy anything, but just to be around other people. I go see movies by myself, and one weekend I went to dinner by myself... it was an asian fusion place where you pay at the cash first, but it looks like a restaurant otherwise. Movies are great because I forget about my life for a few hours, going to dinner by myself is great because I feel like I'm treating myself.

I do have hobbies, but I need a break from them every so often, lol, they seem to ahve taken over my life.

I'm trying to fill in for where friends would be in my life, I'm not doing too bad.

daiixi

Why do you need someone to go to the cinema with? It's not like you're supposed to talk in there afterall...

Petey2006

Sometimes I feel the same way. I've 4 close friends, and I feel very lucky to have them. But 2 of them are married... to each other! One's got a long term girlfriend and the other has a boyfriend. I seem them all quite often, but sometimes i think I should have more friends. I was in a group until last year, but after an incident where 2 of them beat the crap out of me (while on holiday, none the less!), I left that group for good. Sometimes I wish it hadn't come to that, but I'm better off without them. In a way I'm glad to hear that there are other people out there who feel like I feel sometimes.

How Strange

OP, I think a lot of people can identify with what you are experiencing at the moment. It is like you are a square peg in a round hole and you just don't fit anywhere. I think sometimes our lives just go off kilter especially if we have undergone a big change in our lives - for you its breaking up with your ex. Now you don't have an established social life.

My advice to you is to get off your backside and get involved with something. I don't mean that to sound harsh but you have gotten into a negative rut and now you are wallowing in it. Other posters have mentioned getting some exercise and I completely agree with this. Exercise can counteract negative thinking and feelings of depression.

You really seem to have given up trying - you don't gel with your college friends, you think you don't work enough hours to click with your work mates. It's coming up to Christmas, the season of going out and drinking, so why don't you ask the girls in work if there is a party planned or make an effort to meet your college friends socially? If these are non runners then get involved with a social group.

But essentially you have to start making an effort. At the moment it's like you've thrown your hands in the air and decided that somehow the power to change your social life is beyond your control and is in the hands of the gods.

OP, you will encounter this problem at different stages through your life - friends move off or you lose touch or break up with boyfriends - and you find yourself at a complete loss. The only thing to do is bite the bullet and make a conscious effort to start again.

Reku

Well for what little comfort it might be at least know that you're FAR from alone OP, if you weren't you wouldn't have people making friends and getting married/engaged (I kid you not, have even known some of the parties to do so) to people they meet through on-line activities/gaming. It is one of the problems with modern society, everyone has so much of their time taken up with work that they don't have enough time for many out of work friendships so if something happens to one/some of those friendships it is a much greater loss than it would be if you'd many more friends.
As for advice... I'm afraid I can only suggest as others have; trying to meet people over the internet and joining clubs/societies.

craichoe

As myself and my Girlfriend have recently become expats, we realised we'd have to Join clubs etc to meet people.

I couldn't recommend gatherings like that enough !! We've met some great people this way.

The Internet dating thing is a bit of a minefield.. theres a good few weirdos out there and you can't really get a feel for a person via email or IM.

I'd say a club involving a physical activity would solve both your problems (meeting people and fitness)

Maybe Tae-Kwon-Do ? Will help you sleep too. Or Tai Chi, Kayaking, Hill walking, Cycling, Diving, Wind Surfing ... whatever .. theres LOADS of stuff

Give it a go

The Gym can be a bit boring, physical activity involving a bit of fun and interaction can be alot better

LegacyUser

SarahSassy wrote: »

If you live in Dublin then this might help you. I've just spotted it on the boards advert.

http://www.iliveindublin.com/?gclid=COTEtYqxipACFSUHEgod7iZ-tQ

Here;s a good one:
http://newintown.meetup.com/662/

moco

God it looks like loads of people are in the same situation, that pints.ie website sounds like a great idea.

LegacyUser

Surprisingly large amount of people in the same situation as yourself OP, including myself. I started walking for an hour each day in the spring and found that made myself feel better, still lonely and bored but for that hour I was at... peace I guess. I also lost lots of weight - too much apparently :O

I have no idea about clubs or societies, theres no-one my age at my job and I feel weird/self-conscious going into town on my own so for now I'll continue to be lonely and bored but its not the end of the world

I'd advise you to go just go for a leisurely stroll each evening, its something you can do on your own to make yourself feel and look better.

If you want to try internet dating - go for it, just do genuinely be very careful who you give your number to, if you have access to a private landline I'd suggest you ask a guy for his number if you want to chat - and ring from that.

MayMay

Sounds like there's a lot of people in the same situation. That pints site would be a brilliant idea. I'd definitely join up!

moco

MayMay wrote: »

Sounds like there's a lot of people in the same situation. That pints site would be a brilliant idea. I'd definitely join up!

Yep, me too.

coolmoose

btw dublindude, would be more than willing to get involved with helping you with this site if you decide to go ahead with it!

milli

moco wrote: »

Yep, me too.

Excellent idea, would definitely be interested in this as well.

OP, sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and you will surprise yourself. You could try to get more involved with your college friends, just as a place to start and something could come of it. And I would definitely recommend internet dating, just to keep you occupied at the very least!

MayMay

Are there any other sites like meetup.com do you know?