Relationship Breakup BECAUSE of Depression

LegacyUser

Guys,

I have been going out with the most wonderful lady for sometime now until three weeks ago when she broke up with me because she wanted to be alone. She is being treated for depression which was diagnosed during the summer. I feel the depression was brought on by her dad's death (who she idolised) and also issues from her past in which she suffered verbal (2)/phisically abusive(1) releationships. She has been seeing seeing a councillor for at least 18 months dealing with so many issues.


I had no problem when she told me she had depression and we got on with our relationship, always fun times and no arguements. Sure she had her good and bad days and I was always supportive (which she freely use to say). I have a good understanding of depression from my sisters boyfirend and my mum whom both had depression, so i was fairly aware of the signs and problems we might face as she went through councelling and treatmeant for depression. We talked often about some of the issues in councelling and i know i was a real help to her, particularly after the councelling classes when she was most vunerable.

In short our break up came as a bomb out of the blue and I have been left dumb founded. I called over to her knowing all was not well / right (from something she said) and I was shocked by how she looked - I can only describe it as looking scared, bewildered, exhausted wide eyed and drained.......... I really have to say I never was so frieghted. She also told me she contemplated sucide (via a car crash) and I talked through that as best i could.

Long and short of it is that she didnt want to go out with anyone and needed space to herself. (in context of space we saw each other 2/3 times a week) and we both live in our own spearate homes.

I gathered that our breakup was part of the element of depression when people can withdraw into themseleves and I know you need to keep pulling them out of that mental black whole of isolation. So I didnt make a scene or dance about the breakup and was calm and very nice about it...........though privaltely somewhat taken back when i realised all my stuff was packed in bags and waiting for me!!!


To the point, I just dont know what to do and i have found it very hard to get her to engage (via phone) with me since the three weeks we broke up.....After talking to her one week later she sent me a text saying" I no u prob mean well but i don't want to talk about how i am, I wld appreciate if u wld respect that. If I need to talk i have a doctor, counsellor & girlfriends" I was really taken it back by the message and saw it as a clear effort to sideline me.....I dont want to arrive at her door because that is not respecting her space. I know I havnt done anything wrong and we have had a great and meaningful time together, did lots of things and really we had a future (so often said by us both to each other).

The break up is begining to take its toll on me also and this week i have had a rough time with uncomfortable dreams and waking up in the night. I am also getting tighness in my chest..... I understand why I am going through these feelings but they are getting me down to the point where i am having to prop myself up mentaly.

Has anyone any idea how i should go about trying to re-engage with her and get her to see past the doom and gloom of depression? Guys any advice would be great because I am really unsure what to do after getting the txt messg above.

beans

You can't do anything. Let her work it out for herself, when / if she wants to reconnect she will.

That's all really. If she's doing ok with her friends and pro help, leave well enough alone. Actually, if you want to prevent any chance of a reconcilliation, keep plugging away trying to get her to be 'fixed' and make everything 'ok'. Her problems aren't about you, they're hers to deal with. Look after yourself, heal yourself as best you can.

Hope you're ok, probably not what you want to hear, and I can tell you mean well, but I may be right in what I think on this one.

LegacyUser

It sounds harsh but I'd say leave her alone.

She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she's said she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you - yet you seem to want to use her depression as a way of "excusing" those requests. Perhaps you should take them at face value & accept that even in the midst of depression, she still knows what is best for her?

I've suffered with depression at various times in my life, there is nothing worse than someone who thinks they can make it all better or think they know better than me. You either take her lead & back off - telling her you both understand her needs & support them - while meaning it, is your best bet to win your lady back.

Vorsprung

As above, you need to let her have her space. I've found myself in a situation similar to this. I know it's tough but you really got to let her sort her head out in her own time and on her own terms. You've let her know that you're there for her, and any more will just damage any chances you have in the future.

Einstein

this happened to me also about 5 years ago. We travelled together, but when we got home, she hit rock bottom, started seeing a counseller (<sp?), and was prescribed some fairly tough anti-depressant medication. Soon after she ended our relationship, and vowed that she didn't want to see me anymore cos she thought it was unfair.

After a few months of her on her own she got back in touch, and we met for lunch, and things were great again. it sounds awful, but you genuinely have to give her the space she needs, just know that her feelings weren't the reason for the break up.

SunSetting

Hey guys,

Thanks for your comments. I understand that she has to deal with this on her own and I have no prob with that. I never tried to offer a solution / fix to her depression, the reality is that I was just there for her when she needed me (or not) and so on.....

Guys I know its best to leave her to find her own way....I just can't reconcile in my head how you can be supportive and yet sit and wait for her to contact me (without seeming to have become uncaring and unconcerned for her wellbeing). The same would apply for a mate of mine if he was in trouble.......I just arn't the "fair wind friends" type. Her comments about suicide really raised alarm bells in my head and this really is the hardest part to ignore at the moment.

All I will do is leave it to her to decide in her own time and place where she wants to go in life.

Cheers guys,

Reku

Few people who are serious about their intent to kill themselves will speak about it to people prior to trying as such you probably shouldn't worry so much about that, it was undoubtedly more of a cry for help. If death is the only way out you can see why risk someone trying to stop you finding peace. Then there's also the "why waste their time?" thoughts that can creep in depending on your degree of isolation and feelings of worthlessness.

She has asked you to stay away and give her space, all you can do if you really care is abide by this, if she changes her mind or feels she can talk to you but not to anyone else then she may contact you, otherwise you'll just seem like you're trying to force the issue against her will which will not win you any points with her. The fact that she rejected your attempt to re-establish contact one can only take it as a show of her certainty and resolve in this issue so it will only appear to be an attempt to undermine her in this respect if you ignore her wishes.
Think of it as being supportive by supporting her wishes and her desire to develop her independence (perhaps why she was previously in bad relationships and felt the need to distance herself from you).

LegacyUser

Exact same happened to me 2 months ago. I'm struggling big time. Miss her so much but know she needs to get herself right. She doesnt text or answer phone usually but she did ring last week and it was so good to hear her. I have no advice other than to say I know how you feel, it's awful. People say healing takes time, but time passes so slowly when the person you love is uncontactable.lets hope both our (former) other halves can get things sorted so we can all be happy again

LegacyUser

OK, I can't go on living like this. I know I should try and move on but I think about her all the time. can anyone offer advice on how to move on? The thing is I don't want to move on because we didnt break up for the normal reasons. we broke up so she could help herself get better.

I know shes getting treatment and on some medication now so part of me feels she's on the road to recovery and feeling better. that makes me think we might get back together again. But she really keeps contact to a minimum. If anyone has gone through treatment for depression, could they explain or clarify how they felt about things? I've told her how I feel and send a text every couple of days.

When we last spoke 2 weeks ago, I asked how single like was treating her, she explained she hadnt sampled it. I replied that I hadnt either because if I did I'd feel guilty, to which she replied "damn right you'd feel guilty", that makes me believe that she does see us together again in the future, but why the lack of contact?

Sorry for the babbling but just need to get this off my chest. I'd normally be the type to say, plenty more fish etc, but I don't want anyone else, she's the one for me.

thanks for any advice people can offer

SunSetting

Hi "Me-To"

I am in pretty much the same boat, like you we didnt break you because I was out of line and so on. This has left me in complete limbo and is doing my head in. So I would be interested also to hear what people that have been through a similar experience think............

Storm_rages

hi, ok my advice come with out being in you situation, so if its out of line please forgive me.
But if someone wants to break up with you, does it really matter way!
Do you not need to cope in the same way as any other break up, ie moop and feel like ****, try to get out a bit and start over again! i know its not fair and i know there is a chance the other person may want to get back with you but you have to be able to cope on your own without the person!
and then if they want to get back together you chose!
cause while you have done nothing wrong and indeed been a great help to your partner they are saying at the moment they don't want to be with you/ they can't be with you. You really have no choice!

LegacyUser

i had a very similar experience with a lovely girl i was engaged to a few years ago, u can do as much as you can really when your partner has depression but it can never seem enough, i am not bitter not at all but you find yourself feeling inadequate as a result, it drags you down u lose your own self-confidence because you believe you have failed when her depression gets worse, really to guys in this situation here you must move on now you need to cease communication for a while try and remain good friends thereafter, time is a good healer remember that..

JuliusCaesar

farohar wrote: »

Few people who are serious about their intent to kill themselves will speak about it to people prior to trying as such you probably shouldn't worry so much about that, it was undoubtedly more of a cry for help.

I'm a bit shocked by this farohar as this is NOT true. It's a myth. See http://www.ace-network.com/suicmyths.htm

People talk about it as a way of testing out the acceptability of doing it. And FFS why would anyone ignor a cry for help?

Reku

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

I'm a bit shocked by this farohar as this is NOT true. It's a myth. See http://www.ace-network.com/suicmyths.htm

People talk about it as a way of testing out the acceptability of doing it. And FFS why would anyone ignor a cry for help?

Fine then, I'll change it to few of those I know who will admit to having genuinely tried commit suicide (quite a few, birds of a feather I guess...) talked about it with others beforehand. Is it not possible that those who do are only doing so as cries for help and do not actually intend to die.

And hang on, I said FEW, as in some do, there is nothing on that website to dispute this as they only dispute that none do. Not only that they even point to talking about suicide not being a main indicator:

MYTH
Young people who talk bout suicide never attempt or complete suicide.

FACT
Talking about suicide can be a plea for help and can be a late sign in the progression toward a suicide attempt. Those who are most at risk will show other signs apart from talking about suicide.

Sorry to hear that you're finding letting go so hard OP, it's one of the hard things in life, knowing that you could just pick up the phone and talk to someone you miss so much but it could be a long time before she's willing to talk to you, if ever so clinging to the past will only hurt you more. Hopefully in time the feeling will pass and you can move on with your life.