i'm needy

LegacyUser

So i've come to the realisation that I come across as a very needy person. Boyfriends keep leaving me because they feel like a relationship with me is a big looming monster and it puts the fear of god in them. I lost a childhood friend a while ago and I had put it down to her being way too demanding of my time, but in retrospect.. I think we were both very needy people and there wasn't enough attention to go around between us. Ever since, I've been a little self-conscious and noticing that people try to vacate the area if I give anything more than monosyllabic answers.

So the thing is.. is it possible for me to stop? I am an independant person (verging on loner), but when somebody gets close I really open up a lot.. maybe too much. So I kind of vacillate between being an ice-queen and being an oversharer.

I've tried to find the middle ground several times, but it has yet to work out. It's like people can smell the neediness or something.

So the question is.. can people really change? Is this something I'm stuck with and eventually I'll meet people who'll like me for who I am.. or is this something I have to fix unless I wanna be alone forever.

ShawnRaven

needybaby wrote: »

So the question is.. can people really change? Is this something I'm stuck with and eventually I'll meet people who'll like me for who I am.. or is this something I have to fix unless I wanna be alone forever.

Yeah they can, but it takes work, it takes effort. If you put in both then you'll find yourself happier around yourself and other people.

If you don't, then you're gonna be stuck that way for a bit. Depends on how many people you end up either pushing away or walking away from. Especially if they're in the same circle of friends. Word will get around and you'll end up being a loner.

Ball is in your court really.
VR!

Loopy

I empathise with you and am similiar myself. Love being on my own and really enjoy my space. If the fone goes im like **** i better talk to them, and on the other hand when i open up its like Jesus somebody stop her.

Its who you are - and i think its hard to change who you really are. Ok you can have idle chit chat with people and walk away but a lot of people who you may try engage in a meaningful conversation ie. not the bloody weather think im not into this. They enjoy the **** talk about the weather/traffic etc.

Regarding meeting someone - as you said your either the ice queen or needy. I think when your single and really trying to meet someone thats what comes across. THAT YOU WANT TO MEET SOMEONE. We can become so focussed on just having someone that everything else gets in the way.

E.g - My cousin is a stunner (not much upstairs) but a good laugh and alls she wants is to have a fella.. I was out with her recently in a club and it was scary. The vibe she gave off was actually frightening me let alone the poor fellas within a 2 foot radius of her, The point is she can't meet anyone because its all she wants to do. I have told her to kick back and when shes out to try enjoy it and not focus on 'pulling', that you can actually have a good nite without scoring. Im with her and have absolutely no interest in any of them and there asking to buy me drinks etc and shes fuming (she considers herself far 'better looking than me') Hasn't said this but i know this is how she's feeling.

You can get men but its the neediness thats driving them away. I think when you can find an inner peace within yourself this comes across. Everyone suggest counselling and sorry but if you have someone you can offload to exclusively maybe thats what you need. Then when your out and about you can do the 'small talk' cos you have offloaded already.

You will meet a lovely bloke when you stop looking.

Good luck..

Tal Hawkins

I am exactly the same at the moment.

Have moved to a new city where i dont know anyoone. New housemates and work mates have been good, but how do you stop it all of a sudden? just stop being stone cold or opening up way too soon.

Marksie

Its entirely possible to change aspects you wish to change. It takes time and effort. Realising where it stems from and the root cause of it.

What you are feeling inside is projecting outside and that is why people are vacating the area. Or indeed you may be perceiving them to be vacating the area.

The idea is to determine what aspects you want to change, thats a first big step and that is something you have obviously looked at and thought about.

Take a look at what you want to be, which is still an aspect of your self but matured if you will.
recognise the symptoms of this neediness when it starts to manifest and see where its coming from. Take a mental lift by the bootsraps and stop it happening.
I am all for the idea of people accepting others for who they are and who they want to be and what they have done.

But that is predicated on one important point. That the person is happy with who they are themselves.
If you are not then you have two options proactivelychange things or accept that this is you and allow it to wash through you and not dominate your thinking.
Itss also about striking a balance, i personally am very open, but will be reserved to an extent until i get to know people, but that doesnt take too long

Ishindar

some little pointers.
this is usually an awarenss problem.
people get fed up with peope who "take" all the time.
when u are in a social situation try to think of what u can do for the people around u , rather that what they can do for u.
It can be very fulfilling "to give" , it can be even more fulfilling that recieving as it enriches the soul.
give yourself a pat on the back when u are good to others u deserve it, but do it privately.
lift the lid off your life and examine yourself during those monotoneous times like standing at a bus stop and try to undertand your needs and wants better in life.
we all have our needs and wants in life but we all go about obtaining them in different ways. have a look at how u approach others for your needs and wants, it might surprise u.
observe others on how they manage their needs and wants in social situations.
3 good deeds a day might be a nice little focus for u. one simple one could be to give someone here some nice advice or encouragement once a day.
ask yourself how aware u are of others and their needs and wants. self improvement is an important component of life as a human being if u want to live a fullfilling life rather than just exist. u have to drive it, make it something important to u and u wont look back.
gl on your journey.