I thought I was a cold person

LegacyUser

Hello,

I know this thread will come across as angsty but I really could use the help, getting it off my chest would help. I'll try and put as much info as possible both to try and make it coherent and to try and make sense of it to myself.

First of all, in my teens, I always thought I was an emotionally cold person. I never felt love or hate for anyone, other people would tell me about their woes and love lives and my own thoughts was jealousy that at least they could feel something. I always thought of it like not having a sense of touch. At first it sounds great as you don't feel pain but your missing out on something that makes you feel human. Even crushes etc were lowdown for me. I might consider someone attractive but that was about it, I never really felt anything for them. I had a few girlfriends but they always liked me a lot more than I liked them, and if I'm completely honest, I went into a relationship to try and be normal. I was hoping that by going out with someone I'd 'unlock' whatever other people seemed to have that made them feel attracted to other people. Very selfish of me I know.

Anyway, I went off to college and on the first day I saw a girl who was unlike any other girl I'd seen before. Most of girls around her were dressed in the way a lot of girls do "Look at me, desire me" but she wasn't. I was intrigued. Over the next couple of months I'd see her around, there was a place where I would arrange to meet a friend and I would usually see her smoking on her own and looking fairly pissed off, I had a couple of classes with her but no contact. I found myself being more and more drawn to her, she wasn't like any other girl I'd seen before. Anyway, last week I was sitting down and she was sitting about a metre further up from me, I struck up conversation and was surprised at how well we got on. I had always thought she would be a cold person but she was surprisingly warm. It was probably the first time I ever felt completely comfortable talking to another human being, although she came across as trying a little too hard- making constant references to smoking, drinking too much, not going home on college nights and never going to lectures, despite the fact she was nearly always present at every lecture I had with her.
Anyway, we were talking for nearly an hour, when she had to go to another lecture for a course I didn;t do, she asked me to go to it with her, I refused but went with her to the door. She then decided to skip it and stayed talking to me for another hour, when she went to her next lecture for another course I didn't do and she mentioned me going with her so I headed in with her. When we were leaving a friend of hers appeared with some coursebooks for her. I didn;t want to intrude so wandered off home, but when I was heading out the gate, I ran into her again. She had complained earlier about having to walk home alone so I offered to head part of the way with her as she lives near a bus stop. She accepted and we headed off. We stayed talking outside her house for another hour but then I had to head home. We both stay home during weekends when most students head back to whatever county their from and she mentioned being bored at weekends. I told her I'm the same so took her number in case she was ever at a loose end. She asked for mine although being new to Ireland, I don't have my number memorised and told her so, she suggested I ring her number so then she;d have mine which did me fine.
Anyway I was happy as we seemed to get on very well and I felt comfortable talking to her.


The following day I didnt see her, she;d asked me the day before if I ever saw a key-ring/bottle opener to pick her up one as she was unable to find any, so I saw a cheap one and got it for her, we were up until 2am texting each other, all well and good and the following day I asked her out. Bad idea I know, but I figured asking her out early was best, as we seemed to get on so well, I was worried if we became really good friends and then went out, and split up, I'd be losing someone who I'd known as an excellent friend as well as a girlfriend. Anyway, she messaged back to basically say (sorry for textspeak) "We've only known each other 4 2 days, cul if we cud be pals. Cul u asked though!"

Anyway this made me rather sad as this was the first time I ever think I've actually liked someone. The guys I know don't think she's very good looking but to be honest, I'd hardly call myself stunningly attractive either, and she has something about her that seems to light her up far more than anyone conventionally beautiful. I havn't spoken to her since as I havnt seen her around college and I'd feel awkward. We were texting each other a bit last night but I felt rather strained doing so.


I just feel downcast now. I'd always wanted to feel something about someone. Just to know I could but now I have it's a mixed blessing. Bittersweet, y'know? I have no idea what to do as this is the first time I've ever had anything like this happen to me. This is something I have zero experience in and isn;t something I'd be able to talk about with people I know.

It just feels like all these years of being 'cold' have come crashing down on me and a floodgate has been opened. Ugh, can anyone give me any advice at all on getting over it. Slightly depressed is what I;m feeling

neuro-praxis

You took a risk, well done! You know what, it doesn't matter that it didn't work out this time. You have taken a big step and it has been confirmed to you that you *do* have deep feelings.

Can I ask, have you ever suffered abuse - emotional, physical, sexual whatever? That numbness you feel is very common in people who have suffered abuse.

Even if you haven't, I would think about a course of psychotherapy with a compassionate counsellor. They can help you unlock the often very hurtful things that make you numb yourself from a very young age.

There are reasons you feel cold - finding out what they are might be very painful indeed but once out they can be dealt with.

I am speaking from experience.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I appreciate the support, I really do.

I'm unsure if it can be called abuse but growing up I had a alcoholic parent, that definetely didn't do me any favors and it was around that time I went into my withdrawn phase after having a childhood of always being one of the popular kids. I can't honestly say it was the parent that caused it, but it was around that time

Monkey61

Do not be disheartened! This is all very exciting. Well done for asking her out, but all the same it was probably just too soon. Judging from her response she sounds like a genuinely lovely girl. And she didn't rule out anything in the future, she just rightly pointed out that she doesn't know you yet.
For many people, two days is waaaay too soon to know if they like somebody in that way or not. It may take months.
So what you have to do now is enjoy getting to know her. For all you know, in six months you might end up going out with her, if not, you might end up with a best friend.
Either way, this sounds like it is going to be a fairly life changing experience for you. So relax! Enjoy her company and enjoy all the brand new feelings!

neuro-praxis

Fatherjack wrote: »

Thanks, I appreciate the support, I really do.

I'm unsure if it can be called abuse but growing up I had a alcoholic parent, that definetely didn't do me any favors and it was around that time I went into my withdrawn phase after having a childhood of always being one of the popular kids. I can't honestly say it was the parent that caused it, but it was around that time

Well it might be a good idea to go and talk this stuff out with somebody. I am no psychologist but I would guess there is a connection between your sense of numbness and the alcoholism you had to cope with in your parent.

Try to adopt a positive outlook for now. You deserve a pat on the back for the risk you took. Anything decent in life is worth taking a risk for.

Jimmy Bottlehead

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Well it might be a good idea to go and talk this stuff out with somebody. I am no psychologist but I would guess there is a connection between your sense of numbness and the alcoholism you had to cope with in your parent.

Try to adopt a positive outlook for now. You deserve a pat on the back for the risk you took. Anything decent in life is worth taking a risk for.

Indeed, so many peoples problem is getting the guts to ask someone out, so fair play for taking the bull by the horns (so to speak!) and going for it. Give it more time, even if things don't work out with her you now know you can be really attracted to someone.

LegacyUser

Thank you to everyone here, the response and advice I got has been very positive.
Puts things into perspective anyway.

Only problem I have now is remaining friends with her,without appearing too clingy, she did seem to respond well when speaking to her in person at any rate

Vegeta

All I can say if fair play dude

I know you are hurting but put it this way, you saw girl, you liked girl, you talked to girl and then asked her out. That's a level of bravery that I'd say most people lack

Yeah it hurt this time but don't let it kill that nerve.

You did everything right.

Zippitydoo

By the sounds of things she REALLY likes you. I mean skipping classes to be with you instead after knowing you a few hours is a clear sign in my opinion.
However it sounds like you asked her out as in "will you be my girlfriend" after the 2 days? This is way too soon and no matter how much she likes you was probably a bit taken aback.
Why not ask her to the cinema or something, just as friends and see how that goes?
Also she sounds like the sort of girl who is easy to talk to, so don't do things as important as asking her out by text! It'll all be clearer in the long run if you ask her face to face.
It sounds like you're perfect for eachother so don't be put off like it sounds you are!

LegacyUser

Really the advice here is excellent, I should have thought of that first.

Getting unbiased feedback was excellent for me, it put a lot of stuff in perspective and looking back, things went pretty well except for asking her out and all,
Although seeing as I felt pretty down, I was looking at everything from a downside-she skipped just to be polite etc

I do realize asking someone out by text was a bad idea, however we'd been texting each other for ages the night before so I wanted to strike while the iron was hot so to speak.
Bad idea though.


Ease back and see what happens,

thanks,
everyone

bronte

hi op, you did a brave thing, she just was a bit surprised, that's all.
She knows you're interested, so get to know her and have fun.
She sounds like a cool girl and seems to like spending time with you, you're in a great position.
Good luck!

Overheal

Fatherjack wrote: »

Thank you to everyone here, the response and advice I got has been very positive.
Puts things into perspective anyway.

Only problem I have now is remaining friends with her,without appearing too clingy, she did seem to respond well when speaking to her in person at any rate

I know that feeling :rolleyes: it gets easier. In my case though we had already hooked up' for a very short amount of time....... and it will probably take you somewhat less time in comparison than it did me

Just do your best not to continually gravitate toward her - remember to do your own thing, try not be be all huggy feelly etc. and then its just a matter of continuing as normal. You'll find it will come naturally to you. If you think about it too much it will effect the way you act - so just go with the flow.

finkaboutit555

Its natural to jump the gun on an occassion like this..Just hold back,Don't flood her with texts.. Your a bit embarassed about what happened.. When you see her again Dont mention it unless it comes up...Move On from this and if its meant to be....... it's meant to be..

Reku

Aww... your post had me feeling all warm inside OP. (Christ I really am a soppy old romantic...:o)
Hopefully it will work out.

It sounds like she really does like you (asking you to come to her classes, lets face it you're not going to get to talk much in the classes, giving you her number after one day, etc...), but she doesn't want to rush things. You've let her know you really like her and she has asked to try be friends first, she hasn't said no, just that she's not ready to say yes/no yet and wants to know you better. As such your best course of action is to do as she says, try be friends, even if she ends up deciding that she doesn't want to try be more at least you have a new friend who it sounds like you really get on with and can hopefully become quite close to (as a friend). Just continue to be yourself with her but make sure she knows that you will respect her wishes if she decides to just be friends.

Wish you the best of luck.:)