So shes with someone else already

LegacyUser

Well I found out last night that my ex is now seeing someone else.
Not very shocking or surprising but it still sucks,
We broke up about 2 months ago and I had my suspicions she’d met someone else fairly soon after, didn’t quite know who at the time but it’s a guy she went to a night course class with. Which I’d organized for her.
I wouldn’t mind so much ‘cept after we broke up we were going to get back together when she suddenly decides that she might be gay, says she’s been fantasizing about girls for years an wants to explore that side of herself. Bit of a shock but I was like “go find out, have some fun”. Then there was the “I can’t even think about being with anyone else right now” bit and the “after one train wreck of a relationship after the next I think I’m gonna take some time to just be single”

All classic lines in their own right, I guess I just feel like she bull****ted me, I would chalk it up to her trying to spare my feelings but she’d really get into these excuses, especially the gay one.

Also recently (were still sharing a flat until Saturday) when ever I’d drop over (I moved out till she could find somewhere) we’d wind up cuddling on the couch like old times.
Twas a bit of a head **** as I didn’t instigate it.

Like I mean I wasn’t expecting her to be celibate but when she got with the guy from her class I’m now thinking this was probably going on while we were going out.

Heads wrecked.

TheDriver

Cut contact, don't even chat or talk. She treated you bad stringing youalong like that.
And defintiely don't live together.........

Forget her, youdeserve better.

star-pants

That's not nice OP - I feel for you.. you had hopes and she let you have them sorta (with the cuddling etc). As for all the reasons she gave (Being gay/not ready for anyone type thing)... I don't know pet. Some people just say things when they break up, that they don't necessarily mean.
I got broken up with out of the blue & the ex was dating someone bout a week later (they're together a year or so now I think)... and it's not nice to think they've moved on so quick, that you were that easy to get over. She may have been feeling less towards you for a while, but you were still mad about her. Therefore a shock to you system, but she was prepared already.
*hug* best to keep away, it'll only be heartbreaking to watch her with someone else

Wibbs

confused-7649 wrote: »

Well I found out last night that my ex is now seeing someone else.
Not very shocking or surprising but it still sucks,

Naturally, but look on it a different way, now you really know where you stand. This is the first step to getting on with getting on.

We broke up about 2 months ago and I had my suspicions she’d met someone else fairly soon after, didn’t quite know who at the time but it’s a guy she went to a night course class with. Which I’d organized for her.

Ouch. 9 times out of 10 when something starts this quickly it was going on before the split, even if it was on a purely emotional level.

I wouldn’t mind so much ‘cept after we broke up we were going to get back together when she suddenly decides that she might be gay, says she’s been fantasizing about girls for years an wants to explore that side of herself.

Ahh yes the classic, "I'm confused" bit. The addition of the gay part is just a different take.

Bit of a shock but I was like “go find out, have some fun”.

Bad move for future reference. If someone pulls the "I'm confused" bit with you again, then let them be confused on their own. Do not plug into that as in general, by you being supportive all you do is support their decision to leave. Good example the thread here where the guy found out his ex was cheating and dropped her on the spot. She'll be running after him for a while I can tell you.

Then there was the “I can’t even think about being with anyone else right now” bit and the “after one train wreck of a relationship after the next I think I’m gonna take some time to just be single”

Translation? I don't fancy you as much as I thought, I'm thinking of others, this relationship is just like all the others and I want out, but have no clue where I'm going. Oh look new guy(or gal) seems different I'll jump there". This mode of thinking will keep happening to her until she cops on, if ever, or ends up with the wrong partner. She hasn't given herself time to work out what went wrong on her part with your relationship. You need to get over one relationship before you can hope to make a good go of a new one. The new one has rebound written all over it. Rebounds can last years too. I don't doubt he'll get that speech in time, or worse she'll stay with him and neither will be really content.

All classic lines in their own right, I guess I just feel like she bull****ted me, I would chalk it up to her trying to spare my feelings but she’d really get into these excuses, especially the gay one

Basically because she doesn't know what she wants, just was fairly sue it wasn't you.

Also recently (were still sharing a flat until Saturday) when ever I’d drop over (I moved out till she could find somewhere) we’d wind up cuddling on the couch like old times.
Twas a bit of a head **** as I didn’t instigate it.

Common enough in needy people. It was all about how she felt and how it was nice and sweet for her. Self centered behaviour is the hallmark of the breed.

Like I mean I wasn’t expecting her to be celibate but when she got with the guy from her class I’m now thinking this was probably going on while we were going out.

Probably was.

As I say this would have happened sooner or later, with him or somebody else. Best to find out now and move on, even grieve for the reationship and learn from it. In a years time or less, you'll be glad you dodged that bullet.

Break ALL contact as soon as is possible. She left you so let her leave.

Gyalist

IME, women rarely break up with you unless they already had another prospect(s) lined up.

wildgazelle

Spot on Wibbs!!!Op been there!!!"all is fair in love and war"If you luv her let her go,i know its F**k really hard but it is the only way for you to move on,Dont try to hurt her,you will only regret it.Let her go and move on,U prob knew it was coming but luv clouds all that!!Best of look!!

froosh69

ask her if she'd be up for a threesome...

no strings attached.

Colonel_McCoy

She is on the rebound. She is weak and cannot be on her own. Forget her.

Wibbs

Gyalist wrote: »

IME, women rarely break up with you unless they already had another prospect(s) lined up.

Have to agree with you there. What follows are obvious generalisations and people, couples and situations naturally vary, but there are some vague patterns to this from what I've observed in many years of mine and others relationships..

While there are men who do this too(I know one), it's far more common with women. Pretty much all the women I know have done the rebound thing(though it's never that at the time as far as they're concerned). Women generally have more opportunities to find someone new. More women than men define who they are by the relationship they're in, especially among their peers. Society still tends to have some suspicion of a woman on her own. Bachelor is a term that has little negative connotations. Spinster on the other hand.... More women tend to find being alone more difficult than men.

Also I've observed, even if men rebound out of a bad relationship, they usually replace it with casual flings, or just go for one night stands, which has issues of course, but may be a better way of getting over a serious relationship. Women tend to replace one serious relationship with another, without figuring out, or acknowledging the reasons for the failure of the previous. Usually by explaining it as losing the spark or in love feeling for the previous. The next relationship is ofetn doomed to failure because of that.

Also when the relationship ends for them they won't leave because they're afraid of being alone, they're afraid of hurting the guy they used to love. They may not want to upset their mutual social circle with a split without having an escape route that makes things easier.

They can stick around sometimes for months in limbo, while subconciously keeping their eye open for another option. This usually comes as a shock to the ex partner as it seemingly comes out of th blue. Sometimes it does come out of the blue and it happens on a whim and beyond all logic(which I've seen), but mostly it was over before she actually left.

I would say that if I meet a woman I'm interested in and I subsequently discover that she's very recently out of a serious long termer, I would tread carefully, especially if she's coming out with the "I love you" stuff early on. 9 times out of ten a recipe for disaster.

Colonel_McCoy

Wibbs.............100% correct......thats pure gold!

LegacyUser

Hey guys yeah thanks so much thats all helped a fair bit actually.
just a few details I should probably mention
I was actually the one to call it and break up.
While she instigated the initial cuddling on the couch I wasn't exactly blameless in this.
there was no way we were getting back together, it was just nice to be close to each other again. I'm more so just pissed that shes there cuddling into me while her new boyfriends out there thinking hes hit jack pot.
and I've met people since we split but I refused to go near any of them in a serious way till she moved out, I'm still really pissed, if we'd just made it 3 more days I never would have seen her again and would have been oblivious of her new boyfriend until yonks from now, but no she had to bring him out to a party where she knew a tonne of my mates would be.

You guys are totally right about her tough she is all of the things said. in fact we got together when her last relationship fell apart and that wasn't a first time thing for her,shes not the type to let go of a branch without hanging onto another one.

I guess I knew most of this already but cheers for laying it out like that, its a lot easier to digest when its written out in plain English.
any more advice very much so appreciated

Marksie

Froosh69: Please Read the charter on off topic posting. Consider it a warning

SarahSassy

Gyalist wrote: »

IME, women rarely break up with you unless they already had another prospect(s) lined up.

Twaddle. Women break up with you cos they are not getting what they want in the relationship.

Wibbs

SarahSassy wrote: »

Twaddle. Women break up with you cos they are not getting what they want in the relationship.

Well of course, that's why anyone breaks up. In any case "not getting what they want" encompasses a lot. From a genuine need for more, or the grass is greener syndrome all the way to a transitory attack of confusion or selfishness and all points between. That goes for both men and women.

Still it doesn't negate Gyalist's point, that not leaving the relationship when they should and waiting around with an eye to escape is pretty common. Both men and women do it, but women are far more likely to do that in my experience and in the experience of and from both my male and female friends and acquaintances.

SarahSassy

And they are far less likely to do it than my male friends - in my experience...

LegacyUser

well truth be told I seen us heading towards a scenario where I though one of us might cheat or do something stupid so i pulled the plug. looking back at it now I don't think she actually was with him, at least not psychically, while we where together.
was talking to a friend about it and they figure shes just grasping at straws now out of panic (which would be like her) the relationship had gone arseways but we weren't killing each other or anything, it was just head towards a nasty place, hes the type of sensitive nice guy who thrives on girls who've just gotten out of relationships. Hes not her type at all.
anyways its academic now, shes moving out saturday and I'm out of town till sunday so I never hopefully have to see her again.
cheers for the advice guys!
really helped a lot.

Wibbs

Fair enough and it does boil down to the people we know too. Maybe my male friends are more noble(Not!):). I think it varies with age and length of relationship too. Teens early 20's are naturally more prone to chopping and changing anyway. Emotional maturity is the biggest part of it regardless of age. I have seen men go from one woman to another alright, but I have found that when it's after a serious long termer it's less likely and when they do they have flings and don't tend to replace one with another, at least not with the speed I've observed with my female friends. In the age bracket of 25 to 35 anyway. beyond that they often do. It's all conjecture anyway.

I do think that going from one serious thing to another with overlap is a very bad plan emotionally regardless of gender though. I would find it hard to trust someone on an emotional level who can say I love you one week to one person and I love you to another a month later(I've even heard of less time). People who fall in "love" so fast, tend to fall out of it with equal speed.

Wibbs

confused-7649 wrote: »

well truth be told I seen us heading towards a scenario where I though one of us might cheat or do something stupid so i pulled the plug.

Better bet that one of you did, by the sounds of it.

looking back at it now I don't think she actually was with him, at least not psychically, while we where together.

In some ways emtional cheating is harder to take.

hes the type of sensitive nice guy who thrives on girls who've just gotten out of relationships.

Hopefully he's just sensitive and not a doormat. A hard balancing act to be sure.

Hes not her type at all.
anyways its academic now

Clearly she thinks he is at least for the moment. Maybe he is her type, as her previous types brought her to here and maybe a change will mean they'll be OK. Same goes for you too.

shes moving out saturday and I'm out of town till sunday so I never hopefully have to see her again.

Not having contact with her will help both of you.

cheers for the advice guys!
really helped a lot.

I would only add that you should take a bit of time to work through the crap of the old relationship and see where you may have brought some issues to the party. Forget about her issues as you can do nothing about them. It may help to relly look hard at what ws it about her that didn't gel with you and vice versa. It'll help next time with your next relationship.

LegacyUser

I really don't know whats goin on with her OP but just to say, I started going out with my boyfriend 3-4 weeks after his gf dumped him. She and other people thought we had been together during their relationship, but we weren't at all, in fact nowhere remotely close. We knew each other from a class and there was a mutual attraction but he didn't come near me until he was single. I did of course question how he could have one girlfriend one month and another the next with no problems, it made me uncomfortable and wonder how sincere he was, but we are still together a year later. It's definitely not a 'rebound'. I don't know what to think.
But just because she has a new partner already doesn't mean she was cheating on you or even that she had him 'lined up'.

Placebo

Wibbs wrote: »

Have to agree with you there. What follows are obvious generalisations and people, couples and situations naturally vary, but there are some vague patterns to this from what I've observed in many years of mine and others relationships..
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That is so accurate !!!!! who are you !!!! who !!!

AnonoBoy

Take it from someone who's been there with bells on: IT GETS BETTER.

Honestly.

I've had all the 'it's not the same as with you' 'I don't know what I want' 'I think maybe I still love you and not him' lines from an ex who was seeing someone new. I was a sucker and fell for it when all she really wanted (even if she couldn't admit it to herself) was attention from 2 sides.

Cut contact with her. And if you do see her or talk to her, keep it civil and don't go into the nitty gritty of the whys and hows. Just let it be man - it's hard to do, believe me I know. But you're better off not raking it all up.

Wibbs

AnonoBoy wrote: »

I've had all the 'it's not the same as with you' 'I don't know what I want' 'I think maybe I still love you and not him' lines from an ex who was seeing someone new. I was a sucker and fell for it when all she really wanted (even if she couldn't admit it to herself) was attention from 2 sides.

Quite common that one. If this happens soon after the split and early in the new relationship then it's almost a certainty. Usually what happens is they end up with a completely new third party in the end, or go back to the ex. Quite simply this situation occurs because the new person isn't covering all the bases and neither were you when they left. They're making a composite partner. If the ex gets tired of the confusion and leaves, the new relationship goes on for a while, but usually peters out. The reason is down to the person projecting an ideal onto the new person, as if they don't they may have to face the idea that it was a bad move. That doesn't last. The rebound, if that's what it is, always gets the shítty end of the stick. Again because the person hasn't detached from the old relationship or forged a new one with themselves, by taking time out.

It can also be a further case of "confusion", where they jumped too quickly to someone new and then regret it, but not enough to leave the new person or go back to the old. They may also hang on to the old person out of guilt. Again they usually end up with a third party. Of course with this type of personality at no point does the other option of actually being single for a while occur to them.

Cut contact with her. And if you do see her or talk to her, keep it civil and don't go into the nitty gritty of the whys and hows. Just let it be man - it's hard to do, believe me I know. But you're better off not raking it all up.

Very good plan. Just be careful. People often want what they don't have and really really want what they thought they had but now don't. I would not be surprised if they come sniffing around down the line. Every single time I've been dumped and they went straight to another, this has happened when I followed this advice.

Ignore it though, as it's usually to see if the ex is still open to them. Ego boost type of thing usually explained away as "missing you" or "seeing how you are". Sometimes it's a genuine attempt at either friendship or reconciliation. In the former case, tread carefully as depending on the strength of feeling of the original relationship, friends is a downgrade. In most(not all), "friendships" with significant exes, one is still holding a torch and the other likes the ego boost, even if they don't admit it, even to themselves. In the latter case of trying again make them do all the running if they were the ones who left and you're still open to them.

TBH unless it was one of your genuine "great loves", I wouldn't bother. You'll know if that is the case with some distance from the person. I can think of two women in my life that put me through the mill and looking back I consider myself very lucky that with time and reflection I didn't take them back.

Facinatin' stuff altogether and interesting to watch happen to others. Not so pleasant if you're in the situation though.

AnonoBoy

Wibbs. Thou art a font of knowledge.

Seriously wise words man.

Wibbs

Font of somethin anyway...

LegacyUser

ok bit of an update,as previously stated I thought she was moving out saturday so I came back sunday to find her still in the process of moving, I was chatting to her friends while she cleaned out her stuff from our room and then she was acting strange, she went into the bedroom and was in there awhile, so i followed her in and she was just standing there and looking awkward. so i asked if she was ok and she said yeah she was grand, I kinda said "hey listen I had a really cool 2 years with you and I'm realy gonna miss you an I'm lookin forward to a few months or a year from now when we can hang out together" then i added "oh and I heard about you and (guy shes seeing) and I just wanna say like, congrats, I think you guys'll make a cool couple I'm sure he'll make you happy etc" she seems shocked I knew and then for reasons that escape me I added "yeah like its cool I'm kinda seeing someone else too" while not true its also not untrue I have been hanging out with a girl but nothings happened as I wanted to wait till I was a bit more over the ex and the new girl understands and is in a similar situation, its more of a cool to have someone to hang out with kind of buzz more then a boyfriend girlfriend thing.
I guess I told her to see her reaction, kinda wanted too see if there was anything there. she seemed okay-ish about it but very uncomfortable. So I said that nothing had happend as I was still very confused and asked how she felt about the whole break up thing and got the usual "no theres nothing there" (meaning feelings for me) response.
which was grand I spose, at least shes happy...kinda.
She sez that the thing with the new guy kinda just happened and it was kind of weird and out of the blue and while she seems into it I don't know.
Anyways the reason I'm reposting in this is I was kinda thinking of sending her a message to just say like hey listen I just wanted to say I'm not actually seeing anyone I kinda just said that to make you jealous and it was real immature and I'm sorry and good luck in the future.
think I should?

Wibbs

Absolutely not. Why should you? It'll just muddy the waters further to no good end. I mean what will it accomplish? Ease your guilt for exaggerating your situation? Get a positive reaction from her? Which I suspect is the real reason. Her making out there's no feelings left for you has rattled your cage a bit. So what, even if she's still confused she's not with you.

She's made the decision to be with someone else. If she still had feelings for you that she was willing to work on she would be still with you working on them. Let it and her go.

Do not suggest friendship for the moment, or even suggest it may happen in the future. Cut all contact basically. If you're meant to be friends then it'll happen naturally down the line.

togster

Wibbs wrote: »

Absolutely not. Why should you? It'll just muddy the waters further to no good end. I mean what will it accomplish? Ease your guilt for exaggerating your situation? Get a positive reaction from her? Which I suspect is the real reason. Her making out there's no feelings left for you has rattled your cage a bit. So what, even if she's still confused she's not with you.

She's made the decision to be with someone else. If she still had feelings for you that she was willing to work on she would be still with you working on them. Let it and her go.

Do not suggest friendship for the moment, or even suggest it may happen in the future. Cut all contact basically. If you're meant to be friends then it'll happen naturally down the line.

Great advice Wibbs. At OP you need to let it go... everything, including any thoughts of being friends or anything else for that matter. It will only make you life hell. I think the worst part is knowing that she does not love you anymore, or the person you cared about most doesn't feel the same.

LegacyUser

ah thanks wibbs, great advice, ameto a similar conclusion bout 6 this morning, its mostly an ego thing , just havin trouble understanding how someone can be SO in love with you one minute then claim to have absolutely no feelings for you then next.
anyways your right, gonna leave it and move on.
cheers!

Wibbs

confused-7649 wrote: »

ah thanks wibbs, great advice,

I have my moments, they don't last long mind.:)

just havin trouble understanding how someone can be SO in love with you one minute then claim to have absolutely no feelings for you then next.

Been there. I wrote about in another thread a while back. Long story short(ish). With Girlfriend of 2 years. Making love. She tells me she loves me and wants to spend her life with me. Going away on a holiday together a week later. Fast(and I mean fast) forward 12 hours. Girlfriend tells me she's met someone else and she's confused, but figures she has lost the in love feeling with me. She met this guy in the 12 hours apart while picking up something at a friends house. Knew him less than two hours. Me heartbroken. Her with new guy for 3 years. I move on after about 6 months. Ex rings me to hook up when she splits from new guy. I'm sure he didn't see it coming either.:) Go away or words to that effect came from me.

A mate of mine has an engagement party with his fiance of 5 years. She talks to barman at said party. A week later she breaks off the engagement and runs off with the barman. Dunno what happened to her. My mate definitely traded up though with his current girlfriend. More brains, emotionally mature and significantly better looking than the loopy ex. All good.

Woman I know with guy for 6 years. Buy house together. Engaged. Out of the blue, right after a dirty/romantic weekend away he dumps her for her younger sister!!!!! Both families go into orbit. Him and younger sister leave country. Because of his guilt she got the house signed over to her lock stock and barrel. Just before the massive housing boom. Sweet. Karma's a beaut.

There are more examples I can think of. You couldn't write some of this stuff.:)

anyways your right, gonna leave it and move on.

Best plan.

nicolo

There is a chance it could also be a case of her just turning her emotions off like just blanking and pushing them down and grabbing the nearest thing for some security. sounds to me like ashes half trying to piss you off and half wanting to just get away.
My ex did that too, but then i remembered how she was to her ex before me (real stern and cold) and then how she was whenever anything to with him came up like he picked up stuff or we seen him with someone else (she'd get real down and moody and hit the sack early etc)
happens like, women in my experience are way better at just claming up and moving on.
anyway yeah nothing you can do now so maybe just leave it, if it was meant to be twill be