Girlfriend cant come

LegacyUser

I'm going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months now and we have a good sex life but she cant come. She says she gets to the brink and something mental happens that she cant allow herself to come. I've tried lots of foreplay, massage, following her advice etc etc but to no avail. She says she has had the same problem with every man except one time she had an affair (previous to me) and he made her come. Any ideas?

Lola123

There are different positions that work.
It has alot to do with
a) how confortable/relaxed she feels. Although if she's come with someone else then it's likely to be....
b) the position and speed (this has a HUGE impact, you might gets some specific tips in the s&s forum?)
c) It could still be that you're not following her "instructions" but she doesn't wanna say it any more.

L'prof

Noobie wrote: »

She says she has had the same problem with every man except one time she had an affair (previous to me) and he made her come. Any ideas?

Well your in trouble so! She's had an affair before and probably will again if you can't make her "happy"!

LegacyUser

Can she make herself come? My girlfriend finishes herself off sometimes, its the sexiest thing ever!

How Strange

Well she certainly has you acting like a performing seal trying to please her and then there is the added pressure of knowing it only happened once when she had an affair.

IMO, she would want to relax abit and start to participate in the whole process rather than telling you what works and doesn't.

Not all girls come all the time and some don't come all that often at all. It's one of those great big lies that we have been sold in womens magazines, films etc. I think for most girls (unless you are one of the fortunate few that come just by looking at a man) it has a lot to do with how comfortable you are with your partner and how relaxed you are at that particular time.

It isn't a competition, its supposed to be an expression of your physical and emotional desire for the other person.

I'd say the problem is on her side so its about getting her to do something different to relax into the situation rather than giving you a set of rules of what she likes and doesn't like.

CrazyNoob

OP is there anyway you can get her to talk about fantasies etc prehaps find a common theme??
then maybe act it out

Maybe she gets of on the naughty or forbidden aspect? (pure speculation on my part)

I'd concentrate on her head/mind rather then the physical

kraggy

I think that if you concentrate on the emotions between ye when you are in bed together rather than concentrating on a particular goal (i.e. her orgasm), then you have a better chance.

what i mean is, just hold her tight and start kissing her and hugging her gently. caress her gently and gaze into her eyes. then, let the affection and strong feeling become slightly more intense with time. but hold off on going downstairs for a bit. let the warmth between you both intensify, then when she has reacted and you are both really into it, start paying attention to other areas, but all the time taking it slow. move your hands around her whole body and enjoy her body and let her enjoy yours. take time before paying all your attention to her more sesitive areas. go around them for a while before actually stimulating her and she you. work it up so much that it's a tease. then gradually let things take their course after that.

I believe the more you take your time, the more you'll enjoy it. both of you.

good luck.

Lux23

To be quite honest I think this isn't really your problem its your girlfriends, no matter what you do she can't let herself go. Maybe she needs the excitement of an affair to make her come, some people need special circumstances to get things going. Unless she is going to see a psychosexual thereapist or something with you I don't think there is anything you can do.

But its not your fault.

togster

Lux23 wrote: »

But its not your fault.

If he loves her then its as much his problem as hers. BTW its noones fault tbh. OP try asking your gf what was it about the sex with this other guy that might have made her come. Sounds like your doing everything right, but maybe she has something that really gets her going.

NabyLadistheman

go down on her for an hour...she'll definately come well before then!

Gibbins123

hmmm, maybe with the other guy it was something about the excitement of it. Try doing it in places other than the bedroom. Perhaps take her by surprise in middle of the day. Spontaneous can be exciting.

Apart from that, just keep trying out different things. toys even. just keep it exciting. And remember...its not an uncommon problem. so doubt a therapist is necessary as someone said above.

Marksie

Lux 23 is in my opinion on the money here.

Its important to realsie that both you and the guy who succeeded did nnot in fact "make" her do anything.
Both you and he are there to facilitate her orgasm, it is she herself that makes it happen.

I dont believe for the now that any amount of positions, toys will have an immediate lnglasting effect.
The fact she reaches a point then can proceed no furtyher indicates that it is a straining to hard to achieve, or a block of some sort.
It may be that she needs to take a step back and totally relax allowing the sensations to dominate and niot strain for orgasm or ecstatic states.

It maybe that she gets in her own head. I have seen this before and managed to draw them out of it by the expedient of saying stay with me and locking eyes.

The fact she orgasmed during the affair may mean she was more free to express for some reason and so got caught up in the excitment that her brain didnt get in the way of the physicalities.

You could try as she is approaching getting her to relax and vbreath deeply and clear her mind. Or use a gazing technique to hold her in the space with you.

It may be that a sereies of visits to a therapist is in order.
But it is up to your g/friend to really look at and assess what actually happens to stop herslef at a certain point

LegacyUser

Mine has the same problem and we are together over 2 years, and live together. I had no problem with my last gf, she would cum at the drop of a hat.

I thought it was my technique at first, and I read alot, and still no joy. I thought maybe she was uncomfortable letting herself go in front of me, so I bought her a rampant rabbit(See ann summers for details), and asked her to use it before we had sex. She used it in front of me, and even though it was very good, she didnt come. I went to the loo, and when I came back she said she managed to cum while I was in the loo.

So it turns out she can cum easily when I am not in the room. It is disappointing to me, as I would love to hear porn star style moans from her, but we have plenty of time to learn.

OP, I would not worry about it. I am sure she does not mind. And think about the rabbit for xmas, if nothing else its soooo hot to watch!

dubdcugirly

From a girls point of view...

Sometimes if you are not used to it, it is almost a scary prospect...
Personally I have only ever succeeded with my current boyfriend...The first time it takes alot...a good session and required me to be a VERY comfortable...

but its like prinigles once you pop you cant stop but seriously keep trying it just takes time...how long have you's been together?

LegacyUser

Hmmmm, are u flickin her bean while thrusting?......its the only way i can get my gf to come

l3LoWnA

manoftheworld wrote: »

I had no problem with my last gf, she would cum at the drop of a hat.

It is disappointing to me, as I would love to hear porn star style moans from her,

Are you sure your ex girlfriend wasn't faking it everytime "at the drop of a hat"? Especially if it was porn star moans you were getting? Just a thought....don't put your girlfriend under too much pressure to come, don't lay much emphasis or expectations on it as she'll the feel pressure and it'll never happen.

To the OP.....can your girlfriend make herself cum when she masturbates? If she denies it or says she can't ask her to practice when she's on her own and then she might let you watch some day as she brings herself to orgasm.

It's probably just a relaxation problem and as someone else said, when she was with the "affair" guy she probably felt she could let her hair down a bit more and go wild. (maybe....)

Anyways, try getting her to give you a helping hand and you keep a close eye on what she does to get herself off! That would be my advice anyways...don't have too much to drink before s*x either as it can be harder for a lady to orgasm after alcohol (so I've found..)

Marksie

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Especially if it was porn star moans you were getting? Just a thought....don't put your girlfriend under too much pressure to come, don't lay much emphasis or expectations on it as she'll the feel pressure and it'll never happen.

I actually missed the bit where the OP wanted porn star moans. l3LoWnA has higlighted a very interesting point... and a very valid point. Even if you dont verbally transmit this it may come across and put more pressure on her.
How she reacts and obtains pleasure is much more important than the sounds she makes, a woman may be in the depths of multiple ecstacy in my experience and make only small murmurs.

l3LoWnA

Marksie wrote: »

a woman may be in the depths of multiple ecstacy in my experience and make only small murmurs.

Never a truer word spoken - sometimes, it's only a few gasps and a bit of quiverring but you're having unbelieveable mind-blowing orgasm all the same!!

No need to expect porn-star moans though......

Overheal

What is it about men and women? How come us guys seem to actually have the complete opposite problem whereas women... I mean cmon. Its mysterious. Someone explain that to me... :rolleyes: Its rofl'ing to think we're focused on NOT releasing and women are focused on not focusing on releasing, to release. Or something.

*sigh.

Marksie

Overheal wrote: »

What is it about men and women? How come us guys seem to actually have the complete opposite problem whereas women... I mean cmon. Its mysterious. Someone explain that to me... :rolleyes: Its rofl'ing to think we're focused on NOT releasing and women are focused on not focusing on releasing, to release. Or something.

*sigh.

At the risk of going sightly off topic it is the same for both sexes.
There have been threads here in the past where guys couldnt ejaculate or suffred erection loss at points.
It is really no difference, the lack of being able to let go and truly enjoy the moment.
and i do recall one thread where a woman was worried because she orgasmed within 15 seconds with her b/friend

LegacyUser

I'm the same with my gf.

Penetration is impossible sometimes, even digitally. It sometimes takes so long that we give up and go back to cuddling. It's really getting to me. And I've never made her cum either.

Auldloon

To continue off topic i have an ex girlfriend who was brilliantly premature. Did turn me into a bit of a smug lazy alright but was great:D

Marksie

No more off topic please. lets deal with the OP and others issues

LegacyUser

I'm back! I have tried almost everything that was mentioned, bar the rabbit! She says that she wants to come to make me happy but puts pressure on herself to come and it goes around and around in her head until she loses the feeling.

I think that she didnt care about the guy she was having an affair with so felt ok to let go etc. I've been friends with her for years, maybe thats why she cant let go?

Also, to whoever said about controlled brething, she said she has to do that to relax and come... I think its more of a case of relaxation than anything else.Starting to really frustrate me though. Any other ideas?

Reaps

Women are complex machinery, i feel your pain man......

Try this!! just when you are about to come, stick your thumb up her bum!! any crazy thoughts in her head at the time will disappear.....

Only works with some women, others will just think your weird!!

But your runnin out of ideas man!!

LegacyUser

l3LoWnA wrote: »

Are you sure your ex girlfriend wasn't faking it everytime "at the drop of a hat"? Especially if it was porn star moans you were getting? Just a thought....don't put your girlfriend under too much pressure to come, don't lay much emphasis or expectations on it as she'll the feel pressure and it'll never happen.

I said I would like to hear porn star moans. I know they are usuall not real, and my ex did not do them either.

Yes I am sure she was not faking.

OP can she come from masturbation if you are not there? Also, rethink the rabbit. If nothing else, you will be the best bf ever! I was.

At the end of the day it does not matter whether she comes or not. Also most women dont make any sound when they do it. She keep doing it. Remember practise makes perfect.

Marksie

Reaps: read the charter on unhelpful posting.

OP: you dont need any other ideas you have just pointed to the issue yoursefl and your g/friend has already told you.

Use the relaxation and breathing to let her go with it.

l3LoWnA is correct you are putting her under too much pressure.

She is in her head desperately trying to come for you and is too tense.

In fact OP you are projecting performance issues i think. You are not making love for the joy of it. You are getting desperate to make her come. If you lighten up on her and then just enjoy the whole thing it will happen.

Do you feel you ahvent done a good job if she isn't screaming the place down?

Take a step back look at your own reasonings. She has actually told you what she needs to reach orgasm.

Can you see how you are blockng this?