Is'nt life confusing, and frustrating......

LegacyUser

So here goes, in a long and kind of complicated way.........

I met a girl in Dublin, very pretty, great fun, but not from here, which is always a messy situation. We met, kissed, and parted company all on the one night and she carried on with her travels for the next few weeks, but called me the next night to say hi and to ask for my email address,

So we sent a lot of emails, we chatted, had a great time and she came to visit me, for 8 weeks, we had a ball, with a few mishaps but thats par for the course in any relationship and particularly one that is being crammed into a few weeks because of time constraints,

The long and the short of this is that she slept with her roommate, a girl, she is openly bisexual, and in my eyes cheated on me.

This ate, and on occasion eats away at me, where it bohers me and I feel the need or desire to do something incredibly mean to her, to as I see it balance out everything, "you hurt me, I hurt you more, now everything is back on track....." Self esteem and insecurity playing a large role here I would reckon,

We have discussed this, the anger and annoyance, and she has said, but who knows what its worth, that she is petrified at the thought of going through the way I handled it when I found out it had happened, nothing extreme, no mental or physical abuse, just what anybody would do I feel,

I have been told, and would entirely agree that I am cold, and callous at times, I have a reputation of walking away from stuff, to never get too involved, and rarely enter into relationships for a number of reasons, being a coward is probably the biggest reason tbh. I can understand why someone would find me hard to relate to, and how somebody in another country would want to experiment and try stuff out, I can relate to all that, and I can understand the viewpoint she would of had,

What I would like to know is do people think that it is a forgivable incident, or should I just walk away, or in my mind, retaliate and hurt her the way she hurt me??

It has been said to me, that a beautiful, and she really is, girl does not have to fly across the world to meet men, she has plenty to pick from back home, and that the mix of my flippant and nonchalant attitude at times to the whole thing, along with the investment she had put in both emotionally and financially added a lot of pressure to the situation, and I should of seen it coming, and that her actions are not as unacceptable as if we were in a relationship both of us living here.......

This girl cares about me, I do know that, I know by the way she talks to me, and how upset and angry she gets at me when I say and do certain things

What I would really like to know is, if you think somebody is untrustworthy, does it go away??

Also, please no smart ass why did you not get involved etc, its always an option and as such its not as attractive, especailly with somebody you truly care about and dont want anybody else touching or kissing, even if it is another hot girl,

thanks for anybody that read this,

That_Guy

For me, if a girl cheated on me with another girl I'd be annoyed but not as annoyed if it was with another guy.
I think you should just walk away to be honest. Yeah ok her cheating on you was bad but two wrongs don't really make a right if you hurt her. I know it can be frustrating to have something like that done to you and then don't do anything in retaliation.

Not the best advice but I would just walk away.

K_P

I'm a bit confused. Are you still together or is she off travelling again? Did her cheating happen during the 8 weeks you were together?

Just trying to get the story straight in my head. However it doesn't really affect what I think is the pertinent issue. She cheated. Guy or girl, it doesn't matter. She slept with someone else. That's cheating in my opinion. As for what you should do? You're having trouble forgiving her (understandably) but if the best solution you can think of is to hurt her as much as she's hurt you, my advice would be to drop her. Forget about it. Move on.

Gyalist

I'd like to give you a more detailed answer but would like some more background info first.

Did you know that she was openly bisexual before you started your brief relationship with her?

You might also want to read the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog.

LegacyUser

brilliant advice so far, exactly what I am thinking, we had a ball and it was fun, I reckon its the best thing to do, we can keep in touch, have fun, and I know if I ever visit then I am almost guaranteed a threesome, with a stunner and one of her friends......

Wahooo,

The reason I posted is that I reckon my black and white view can be a little too extreme at times, and I was looking to see if my stance was unfair,

K_P
It happened while we were together, and she is gone back home, now, we keep in touch but I am distancing myself from it now,

Gyalist
Yeh I knew she was, but it always seemed as more of a "oooh look at how sexy and fun I am" rather than a genuine sexuality thing,

A big part of me reckons she is just greedy

axer

My first thoughts - were ye even going out in the first place? Sounds to me like more of a casual type of thing.

LegacyUser

Hey Axer,

We were going out it was a relationship and there was a huge amount of time spent emailing and chatting,

But I can see where people are coming from and I take all advice on the chin, I have done some silly stuff over the years and know the way this all works!!

gabgab

Say goodbye and then dont reply to her, or answer calls,

There is a part of you that cares for her, and there is little to be gained from ripping the chicks heart out,

star-pants

Hi OP, cheating with anyone is cheating.
IF you can keep it light as friends, then fine - but twasn't fair what she did.
As someone else said, two wrongs don't make a right.

b_beep

As you see it as cheating you should end it because it hurt you. If her cheating hurt you, how would you be able to cope emotionally with the threesome that you think might be on offer? Also, when you're so concerned with hurting her back so you are both even stevens she is well-off away from you. I think thats quite nasty and vindictive, but at least you are aware of that. It should come to end before anyone gets hurt further.

AngryBadger

I agree with That_Guy. It was cheating, but some guys may not see it that way. Simply put that's because most guys aren't threatened by women, they're only threatened by other guys. A woman being brought into the relationship is an opportunity form most guys perspectives.

Personally I'm not so sure about that. I've often commented that I don't know if I could share a partner I truly loved with other people.

OP it's your call at the end of the day. And it's a tough one, I walked away from one relationship years ago, (completely different situation) and I often wonder if it was the right thing to do since I still think about the woman involved everyday, and have no interest in any other women I've met.

I'd view this as cheating on her part. Her being bisexual doesn't change the fact that she shared herself with someone else in a way that as a couple involved in a monogamous relationship (presumably) there was a promise that you were the only person she would share herself with in this way.

If I were in your shoes I'd be of the opinion that she obviously wasn't happy with the relaitonship if she felt the need to sleep with someone else (be they man, woman, or dog). Then I'd ask myself if I was responsible for that dissatisfaction in some way? Did she try to talk to me but have her words fall on deaf ears? Was I inattentive or selfish in some way?

Even then I think she'd be shown the door. If she had a problem with the relationship then she should have approached you about it. Sleeping with someone else is a disastrously bad way to handle things.

Regarding your response. I'd let go of the need to hurt her the way she hurt you. We all feel, from time to time, that we want our pound of flesh for some transgression, but situations where this solves anything without making things even worse are rare in the extreme.

As a man I know that if a woman cheated on me I'd want to cheat on her because I would feel this in some way would re-dress the balance. As you said yourself "You hurt me, now I hurt you". All this really does is cheapen whatever you thought you had. You obviously felt something special with this girl, and she reciprocated. Then she cheated, which was a betrayal of your trust. If you "cheat" back all you'll do is destroy whatever substance is left in the relationship.

If you can't learn to trust her again, or at least give her a chance to earn that trust back then show her the door. Don't go looking for payback, just let her walk and deal with the hurt another way, a way that doesn't compromise the value you place in your relationships with people.

Lastly, it's not cowardive to walk away from things. In fact I think most people are too afraid to walk away. I have a rule about only fighting when I have to, or when it's worth something. You'd be amazed how few and far between such situations are.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Thanks to everyone that took the time to reply to this, I really do think that I will say hey, what we had was good, I do think your great but its not to be, your a wonderful girl and if I pop over I'l look you up and give you a call,

I disagree with the person that reckons my vindictive approach is unfair and that she would be better off without me,

I find in life that people that cheat, do so repeatedly, and if they were taught a swift and cruel lesson, it would shape the way they behave in the future, does anybody agree with this??

I am not saying that I am going to do this, I reckon I wont, because I will feel better about myself, and it wont as Angry Badger so correctly pointed out, have such a detrimental affect on my future relationships......

LegacyUser

Anybody else got an opinion on this?

Thanks,

py2006

Woweeeee wrote: »

I find in life that people that cheat, do so repeatedly, and if they were taught a swift and cruel lesson, it would shape the way they behave in the future, does anybody agree with this??

This is wrong!

By letting her know how hurt you are, ending things and cutting of all communication will have a far greater impact on her and would make her think twice about cheating again.

py2006

AngryBadger wrote: »

As a man I know that if a woman cheated on me I'd want to cheat on her because I would feel this in some way would re-dress the balance. As you said yourself "You hurt me, now I hurt you". All this really does is cheapen whatever you thought you had. You obviously felt something special with this girl, and she reciprocated. Then she cheated, which was a betrayal of your trust. If you "cheat" back all you'll do is destroy whatever substance is left in the relationship.

Lastly, it's not cowardive to walk away from things. In fact I think most people are too afraid to walk away. I have a rule about only fighting when I have to, or when it's worth something. You'd be amazed how few and far between such situations are.

This is good advice!

Jimmy Bottlehead

She cheated, therefore you > her.
She's not worth your time or effort, so find someone better. Probably best not to even give her the satisfaction of getting back at her or anything. Just act cold as ice toward her.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million to all the people that replied,

I have decided to do absolutely nothing at all,

I have ignored her attempts to chat to me on gmail, 2, and I am gonna leave it at that,

The part of me that wants to do something mean is getting smaller and smaller by the day, and I am delighted about that I really am. Feels like I have grown up a lot,

I am going to leave it off for a few weeks, then see what happens, if she makes attempts to contact me, apologies etc, then I will say look no big deal, your a great girl and we'l always be friends

OR

I am thinking I will just ignore her indefinitely,

I think I will decide that by the amount of effort she makes to contact me, or stay in touch etc, as to be fair I do think she is a good girl, and great fun, just not for me,

I feel a big part of me can be proud of how I have handled this, and I really really appreciate all the posters that encouraged me to hold onto my dignity, my self respect, and my pride by not doing something childish

If anyone has any further thoughts I would love to hear them,

Woweeeee

fuzzywiggle

For me once the trust has been broken then it's totally gone. You can try trust them again but there's always doubt looming over your head you know? That's my experience anyway.