I'm just a jealous guy!

LegacyUser

Ok so here is my issue.

I'm a male in my mid 20s with a girlfriend in my mid 20s and I find myself becoming more and more jealous with ever passing day and becoming even paranoid.

Myself and my girlfriend have been together for a year and a half.
I have just started a new job after leaving the job in which I met my girlfriend while working together. my new job entailed that I move away form where I was living before and so causing me to see alot less of my girlfriend. We would only really see each other at weekends now. during the week I find myself wondering is she cheating on me. I know that this shows a total lack of trust but I can't help it.

This problem (which I recognise to be a problem on my part) has been compounded by my girlfriend getting more friendly with a guy who to be blunt I feel threatened by. At the start of our relationship he had asked her out and at the time she chose me. However they still meet up regularly through a club and work. Lately they seem to be getting freindler (sic) as I can see messages from him on her facebook. The messages are nothing racy but have in jokes which make me uncomfortable.

What I am looking for are some tips on how to bring this up with my gf without upsetting her and so i can get all of this off my chest without losing her. I'd be especially interested in what the girls on the site think.

Before anybody says anything to the effect I would like to point out that I know it is mainly my problem in my head I must overcome and that I am sad for not trusting her.

complexdude

tread carefully buddy, she may get very annoyed at how u approach this... if he has asked her out previously he obviously still has designs on her so to a degree he remains a threat, however how you deal with this will determine whether ye have a future or if you push her towards him. take it easy on this one and remember she chose you, not him. show her how much she means to you.

l3LoWnA

Are you SURE this is completely your problem? I think trust IS important in a relationship but you've only been with this girl a year and you BOTH know this other guy had an interest is being with her only a year ago also? I think you have every right to let her know you're not happy about it, esp since he fancies her and you KNOW that....and if by telling her, you cause problems for your relationship or she flips well then is it REALLY worth clinging onto the relationship anyways? Plenty more fish etc...I know that sounds cold but really, don't be a doormat!!

If you reverse the roles and some other lady had an eye for you and your girlfriend knew about it and now you and her were working in the same place/area and getting on really well, your girlfriend wouldn't be long saying something about it....of this I'm sure.

You need to tread carefully, of course, but I'm not totally convinced this is 100% your fault or problem to be honest.

Was she friends with this guy for long before you and her got together or are they only friends since he showed interest in her? If they were friends anyways before you met her, I would put less emphasis on the facebook messages etc.

Your gf may have no idea this is p*ssing you off, so tell her.

gillyfromlyre

Early in my relationship with my hubby he was like lennon on high grade crack cocaine. He even threatened to drop my uncle one night for supposedly coming on to me at a xmas party (he didnt know he was my uncle at the time, despite him being about 40 years older than me, men eh, he he).
Anyway I was none to pleased with this behaviour and made it known, don't make the same mistake, talk with her before reacting

LegacyUser

You think thats jealousy!

long story short, I fancy my housemate, and she knows this, and we even hooked up once. But after explaining to me in great length and detail that she needed to be away from relationships for a while, I accepted that and now she has become my best friend.

Still, she hangs out with ex-BFs, and her friend and her often bunk together (he lives a couple hours away and they visit eachother alot) so last night theyre sleeping here in the next room and the bed creaked too much for my liking and the low-bass noises out of the room... I mean, they could have easilly just stayed up talking and thats all it was but...

Yeah. Thats jealousy.

Speaking to my next closest confidant about this (my older brother) I was well advised to mind my own business - its her life, and (wether i knew for sure/not) that no good would ever come out of asking her about it/accusing her/getting paranoid/eavesdropping/spying. Again, its her life and if thats what she wants she should be free to pursue it without my conjecture.

And beleive me, that has been hard for me to process. Trying to type this out several times Im not even sure if its safe to invest trust in her: she tells me she would never hurt me... but im scared to think maybe its not something she will have intended as well......... but the more I think about it the more her relationship with this friend of hers just seems... wrong, somehow.

I guess all I can do is trust her. If I dont, then its going to lead to more jealousy and anger. All that can hope to accomplish is to drive her away. Then i'll have lost one of the best friends I've ever had, forever. Even if that trust proves to be misplaced later, Im glad im taking the chance now, rather than knowing later that I didnt have the willpower to do so. It would only turn me into a cynical, paranoid bastard. I dont want that.

OP, the whole point of trust is that you have really have no guarantee of anything. You have to trust that your girlfriend is remaining faithful to you. If you dont the relationship is already lost. The same goes for any genre of relationship - trust is a very essential keystone.

Lands Leaving

Just tell her you're a bit uncomfortable with this fella and want to be sure nothings going on. If she says theres nothing to worry about then just drop it. If she's going to cheat on you there's nothing you can do. Its hard in this situation, I've been there, but if you just remember that nothing you do or say is going to stop her, you have to just hope for the best and talk to her, she'll most likely reassure you. Jealousy kills relationships, so be calm and rational, stop worrying about what might happen and enjoy what you have. She could die in the morning, but you don't worry about that even though its far worse, don't worry about what may not happen. Be upset if it does by all means, but don't let it worry you now.

*Lees*

I wouldn't say you are being jealous! You have a right to be threatened because this guy has expressed interest in her in the past and is now spending all this time with her when your away!!!!! To be honest I think your girlfriend is in the wrong here, as l3LoWnA said if you reverse the roles and if you were the one getting close to someone who fancies you then your girlfriend would probably make it known!!!!
It's down to respect! I wouldn't become friends with a guy who fancied me or who asked me out because I think it would be disrespectful to my boyfriend and our relationship!! As you said he obviously still fancies her and the fact that she is entertaining is wrong imo!!

pookie82

I agree with all those who say you've got a right to feel at least a little jealousy. The time apart recently has probably made you feel more insecure and no one blames you for feeling uncomfortable about this other guy - if he showed blatant interest in her before your relationship and is now sniffing around once you've moved away from her work place there is cause to be concerned.

I shouldn't think that if you're going out for a year and a half she'l be horrified at you approaching the subject. We're all human and loving someone often comes hand in hand with the fear that they're going to leave you for someone else. It's normal to fear the most important thing in your life being taken away. i would sit her down and suss her out - mention you saw the guy on her facebook and ask if it seems like he's still interested. Come right out and say it if you feel uncomfortable and hopefully she'l be able to reassure you without losing her temper.

She may try to justify keeping in touch with him/continuing to meet him out etc and it is her choice at the end of the day who she sees, but I would urge you to consider the strength of a relationship where one half has expressed distress at an obviously interested third party and the other continues to see them knowing the grief it will cause. Maybe she'll at least tone down the contact. good luck.

flyingdagger

All i can advise you is to tread carefully on how you approach it if you decide to.To cut a long story short-
I'm seeing a guy for the past 11months,there is a girl that he had as a f*** buddy/mate for the past few years,they hadn't spoken in ages when he and i got together but they've been in touch in the past 3 months.I've been introduced to her,nice girl but i see her as a threat.He has made it clear that she wanted a monogamas relationship with him and he doesn't 'do' relationships.
I voiced that i was feeling insecure and jealous about the whole thing ,tried to be honest about the way i felt.This didn't go down too well with him-he said me telling him this has damaged his interaction with her as he's constantly aware of what i said to him.

So if you are going to talk to her,be careful how you word it.My two cent

LegacyUser

I feel that perhaps i should give more information than I already have. The guy in question is in a relationship himself. It was over a year ago that he asked her out and I was only told because I had made a mess up, went out with the lads and got hammered that she told me, in the context that her friends were telling her to dump me and go with him. There in a evening group together so I don't think I am in a position to ask her to stop going. I'm not really sure what to do. the group is nearing a close so I could ride it out but I'm really uncomfortable about this and would go apesh!t if a situation arose that meant that she would still be seeing him. Idumped hate feeling this way. I love her so much. I've considered pulling the plug just to stop feeling like this.
I think she would go mad if I brought this up with her but if she did would I be better off being dumped than in a relationship where I can't have a open honest dicussion about feeling, even uncomfortable ones.
TBH I've always learned to trust my instincts and this does not feel right