Your Honour!

dak

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"



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A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: 'PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS'

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: 'PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: 'BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: 'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: 'NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: 'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'. The Bishop was buried the next day.


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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


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A man boarded a plane. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

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Senna

Is cut and paste hard to do??

MooseJam

uh is the nuns one even a joke ?

whiskeyman

MooseJam wrote: »

uh is the nuns one even a joke ?

phew, so it's not just me!!
I hope it's a dodgy cut and paste job!

Star Lord

dak wrote: »

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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

***********************************************************************

Nun joke, fixed

dak

whiskeyman wrote: »

phew, so it's not just me!!
I hope it's a dodgy cut and paste job!

Sure was but now fixed! More haste less speed holding true!

Ro: maaan!

Plot hole there. Withuot blinds on the windows anyone could have seen them.

dak

Ro: maaan! wrote: »

Plot hole there. Withuot blinds on the windows anyone could have seen them.

If you want to rate my jokes posting errors please use the rating system. If you really want to know I had a 20 minute lunch in front of the computer because I was working on a €20 million pound budget and my head was wrecked ! Plot hole my A**e !!

Sorry for ranting !!!!

mickrourke

dak wrote: »

If you really want to know I had a 20 minute lunch in front of the computer because I was working on a €20 million pound budget and my head was wrecked

I'm so jealous.
We're not allowed play Monopoly at lunchtime.

Hagar

Would that be €20 million pound or £20 million Euro ?


Anyway despite the cut and paste mix-up, which could happen to anyone, there were some good ones in there.

As for holes in the plot, all jokes have a hole in the plot, Walt Disney described it as the "plausible impossibility".

dak

Hagar wrote: »

Would that be €20 million pound or £20 million Euro ?


Anyway despite the cut and paste mix-up, which could happen to anyone, there were some good ones in there.

As for holes in the plot, all jokes have a hole in the plot, Walt Disney described it as the "plausible impossibility".

It was 20 million euro .. so old I forgot ! Really bad day ! Needed a joke ! Mine obviously had a hole in the wallpaper !

BRIAN1956

I was shocked :eek: to read that the Pope wanted to use someone else's Rubber.




Still in Shock:eek:

Have some Stars

Hagar

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

dak

Hagar wrote: »

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Excellent !!! lol